
Strappy sandal shoe photo from Mayzface
Blog
Leopard print birthday shoes

fabulous leopard-print heels from Dacia
Here we go … birthday shoes

Birthday shoe photo from Miss Avarice
Birthday Illustrocity
Illustrocity surprised me this morning with a beautiful birthday coloring page, complete with sexy sexy shoes.
Seriously. You can print that out, AND COLOR IT.
I also really love her coloring pages with a strapon & blow job, and with a strawberry martini & beautiful tattooed girl. Dayum. I think I’ll be printing a few of these out to take to my small gathering of dinner & drinks tonight! This is going to be FUN.
Thank you Rocket!
Virgin Night at In the Flesh: April 16th, NYC
I’m reading at In The Flesh on April 16th – if you’re in New York, come on out & say hello! Details below.
There will be giveaways of the game Sexy Slang (formerly PervArtistry) and cupcakes by Baked by Melissa.
IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
April 16th at 7:30 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com
In The Flesh is proud to present its second annual Virgin Night, featuring new authors and first-time readers. Texan Jenny Block reads from Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blogger and co-author of Beyond Heaving Bosoms Sarah Wendell shares the sexy side of romance, memoirist (I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed) and ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kyria Abrahams talks about losing her virginity, Jehovah’s Witness style, while Nerve.com Scanner blogger Emily Farris delivers a sex story and erotic romance novelist (Stranger, Dirty) Megan Hart reads her steamy prose, along with Gideon Levy of Kinky Jews and Sugarbutch Chronicles blogger Sinclair Sexsmith, and first-time reader Nicolette Dixon. Hosted and curated by Rachel Kramer Bussel (The Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb, Spanked). Free candy and cupcakes will be served. Continue reading →
Soon-to-be Tricenarian
Tomorrow, April 3rd, is my 30th birthday.
And I gotta say, I am WAY ready for it. Buh-bye to my ridiculously hard finding-myself 20s. My self is FOUND, okay? I know where I’m at, and I am really excited to be here.
So: gosh, what am I going to do for my this fabulous dirty thirty birthday?

Well, to start, I’m going to give away a few New York City Sexblogger 2009 Calendars. Even though Dacia’s got April (her birthday month too), I’m Mr. August (that would be the hottest month, y’all), and though calendars only have a short shelf-life in bookstores, it’ll be good for another 8 months. Tune in tomorrow for more details on how to win one.

Second …
Remember what I did last year? I requested photos of fabulous shoes (you know the kind: strappy sandals that lace up the ankle), as birthday cards. So: if you feel so inspired, sometime in the near future, send me a photo – or post it on your blog – of some fabulous shoes and a little birthday wish. Let me know about it (email me [aspiringstud at gmail.com] or comment) so I can take a look. I’ll feature my favorites here on this site.
I had dreams of throwing a big birthday bash, but I’m putting that off until later this year. I also had dreams of getting 30 blowjobs for my 30th birthday … I’m still thinking about that one.
Femmethology Giveaway …. Winner!
Aaaaand the envelope please:
The winner is …. Miss Ida! Comment #3.
Congrats! You’ll receive a signed copy of Visible: A Femmethology Volume Two, which includes my essay Love Letter to Femmes, as well as another book of your choice. What’ll it be, hmmm? Visible: A Femmethology Volume One? Best Lesbian Erotica 2009? Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage (The Fetish Chest)
?
Let us know!
My Slutty Little Girl
Or, how her dirty talk got me off. Twice.
In my bedroom. We both knew we only had a few hours until she would leave, back to her city, an hour and a half drive away.
I didn’t waste time. Pulled her by her hair toward me and thrust my tongue in her mouth. Moved her around, hands hard and thick on her torso. Pressed against me. She feels good in my arms.
I stripped her and left my office clothes on, for now. I was already hard packing (not with Silky but with Rick, I broke my Silky again), and hard, and wanted to fuck.
I pushed her back on the bed easily. Kneed her legs apart and pressed my cock up against her, bare, through my slacks. Kissed her, hard, felt her body under me.
I pulled back after a minute and lifted myself up. “Take my dick out,” I ordered softly.
She did. Unbuckled, unzipped, palmed it in her hand, let out a low satisfied hum of pleasure when she touched it. I tightened my harness, lowered myself back on top of her, kissed her neck. “I want to fuck your mouth.”
She arched in response, but whispered, “But I want you to fuck me.”
I almost laughed. Her desire handed to me on a silver platter, I took it gratefully. “No.”
“Please, baby, I need it, I want you to fuck my pussy.”
I do like the way she begs. I nearly acquiesced, but said “no” again, pulled back to shift to my knees on the bed. Took her hair in my fist as she bent in front of me. “Do it real pretty, and I’ll fuck you.”
She lowered her lips to my cock and kissed. Swallowed. Lapped with her tongue, ran it along her lips. I didn’t stop with the talking. “Baby, you suck it so good. That’s so pretty in your mouth, suck it deeper, yeah that’s it, good girl.”
I pulled her up to kiss me a few times, mostly so I could feel how her lips and tongue get swollen and wet when she sucks me off, and so I can have that moment of thrusting her head back down to my cock, pushing on the back of her skull.
She started taking it deeper, deep as she could, nearly the whole thing, kept it there while her throat contracted around it and she fought her gag reflex, then pulled up and kneeled.
“Do it again,” I said, and she looked up at me, mouth open tongue thick, and lowered her mouth back down, sucking me all the way again. “Deeper. Good girl. Take that cock in your throat. Swallow it. Good, that’s so good.”
And again she came up for air.
“Do that one more time,” I said, caressing the back of her head, “and I’ll fuck you.”
She quivered a little, I could see it ripple through her back, and then she did: brought her mouth down on my cock once more, took it deeper this time, pretty, so pretty, so far back in her throat.
When she started to resist I pulled her up by her hair, shifted next to her, put my hands on her hips and turned her over to her back, slid between her legs again.
She was so wet I barely needed lube. “Oh, you liked that, huh.”
“Yes.”
“You like my cock in your mouth.” My hand on it, putting it in place.
“Yes.”
“You like to suck it. You like when I fuck your pretty mouth.” I guided it in, hard, and started fucking her sweet but steady, deep. She moaned. Tried to say “yes” but it came out in a slur.
“I like it too. I like my cock in your mouth, I like how you suck it. You get me so hard, I just have to fuck you.” I continued, cock thrusting in and out as I took her wrists in one hand, held her down, kissed her jaw and neck. “I like it in your pussy too.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, put it in my pussy. Fuck my pussy hard.” She shifted her hips up and back and I thrust an inch deeper, reached around her thigh to get a nice grip on her ass.
Somehow, she was set off and kept a steady stream of words at my ear, every time I thrust harder into her I’d get a nice reward of her lovely voice saying dirty things: oh yeah baby just like that, fuck me hard, you know how I like it, you know how I love your big dick in my pussy, put it in me, harder baby, fuck me, fuck me hard, and when she gets closer it becomes ooh baby you fuck me so good, you fuck me so good, baby that feels so good, so good, you fuck me so good, baby, baby –
And somewhere in there I lost it. Blurted “I’m gonna come” as it started happening. Groaning, harness against clit, thrusting my cock deep in her; I don’t even know what I do exactly when I come like that because I’m so unpracticed at it that my body goes and releases and moves and I’m not sure what I’m doing.
She wrapped her arms and legs around me, held me close as my breathing evened and my pulse calmed. Continue reading →
A Love Letter to Femmes
Maria See put the original call out for the Femmethology literally years ago, and ever since I first saw it I knew I wanted to contribute something to this unique anthology on femme identity. But what? I didn’t feel like I could necessarily speak from a place of authority on What Femme Is, there are hundreds – thousands! – of versions of femme, and no matter what I know about femme or how many femmes I’ve interacted with, I am an observer, a witness of femme, I don’t feel like I create it myself.
So what would I write?
I wrote a few pieces, brainstormed, but nothing I really loved. Nothing really got to the heart of what I was trying to say, which was … what? I wasn’t sure.
But it hit me on the very last day the editors were accepting submissions, and I sat down and wrote this Love Letter in one long sentence, and spent the rest of the day editing and polishing. I’m not going to reproduce the text here (you’ll have to buy the book for that) but I will present you, here, with a recording of me reading the love letter that appears in Visible: A Femmethology Volume Two.
Hope you enjoy it.
Download the mp3 here if you’d like to keep it.
Thanks very much to Audacia Ray for recording and producing this mp3!
In case you missed it, see more information about the Femmethology here.
Kicking off the Femmethology blog tour!
I’m honored to kick off the April Femmethology blog tour! There are four important things in this post, it’s kind of a long one – here’s the breakdown so you don’t miss anything.
- Information about Visible: A Femmethology, a two-volume set of books which is out now!
- A giveaway! Comment to win a copy of the Femmethology!
- Information about the Femmethology release party in New York City, Wednesday April 29th
- Continue on the April Femmethology blog tour by visiting these other great sites. Visit Ellie Lumpesse tomorrow!
And coming up shortly, I’ll be posting an mp3 of me reading my essay, Love Letter, which is included in the Femmethology Volume Two.
Visible: A Femmethology (March 2009)
www.femmethology.com
Order Volume 1 and order Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.
Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom.
Femmethology giveaway!
Comment on this post with one fabulous thing that you love about femmes and I’ll pick one random winner.
What’ll you win? A copy of Visible: A Femmethology Volume Two, which includes my piece, Love Letter. AND in addition, EITHER a copy of Volume 1 OR any other erotica book my writing is in – such as: Best Lesbian Erotica 2006, 2007, or 2009. Look about halfway down on my “Shop” page or in the sidebar (—->) for the complete list.
The books will be sent to me and I’ll autograph them for you, then send them on.
Winner will be chosen at random tomorrow morning, so you have today to enter by leaving a comment.
Come join us at the book release party in NYC!
Visible: A Femmethology
New York City Release!
April 29th, 7pm
Bluestockings, 172 Allen St. in the Lower East Side
Featuring contributors: Ryn Hodes, Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, Cameron Whitley, Leslie Freeman, J.C. Yu, Hadassah Hill, & Miel Rose
Visible: A Femmethology is a two-volume anthology edited by Jennifer Clare Burke and published by Homofactus Press of personal essays from over fifty contributors who explore what it means to be a queer femme. Award winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity, and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom.
Not in New York City? Check the Femmethology events page to see if there’s a release party in your area. They’ll be in Vermont, Vancouver BC, Atlanta, & more!
Follow the rest of the Femmethology April blog tour with these great sites:
4/1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
4/2. Ellie Lumpesse
4/3. Queer-o-mat
4/4. CyDy Blog
4/6. Catalina Loves
4/7. cross-post: The Femme’s Guide and Femme Fagette
4/8. Daphne Gottlieb
4/9. Bilerico Project
4/10. Screaming Lemur: Femme-inism and Other Things
4/13. The Femme Hinterland
4/14. Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing and The Vagina Adventures
4/15. Dorothy Surrenders
4/16. Miss Avarice Speaks Her Mind
4/17. The Femme Show
4/19. Sexuality Happens
4/20. Queer Fat Femme
4/21. Sublimefemme Unbound
4/22. Tina-cious.com and Jess I Am (butch-femme couple day!)
4/23. FemmeIsMyGender
4/24. The Lesbian Lifestyle
4/25. Femme Fluff
4/26. Weldable Cookies
4/27. The Verbosery
4/28. A Consuming Desire and Creative Xicana
4/29. Queercents
4/30. en|Gender
And last but not least, visit www.femmethology.com for all sorts of information about the books. Order Volume 1 and order Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.
Her Dirty Talk Got Me Off. Twice.
“So,” Kristen said, arms around my neck, looking up from under me, my legs between hers but bent and wrapped around each other, both of us naked, skin to skin, sheened with sweat and still a little bit out of breath. “I guess we figured out what gets you off.”
Not that I – and she – and, let’s be honest, the entire fucking internet – didn’t already know what I like: blow jobs, strapping on, fingering a girl until I make her squirt. But this was different: I came twice in the few recent hours we’d been fucking. Probably mostly thanks to what Kristen was saying.
We’d talked about it the day before. “I want to be used,” she’d said. “Just … fucked with no regard for my pleasure.”
And so I did. And we liked it, a lot, both of us.
“Fuck my hole,” she whispered, “take me, fuck me hard, pound your big cock in me deep. I’m your slutty little girl.”
Just typing that makes my knees go a little weak. Why does that turn me on so goddamn much? Makes my head spin. I feel guilty for it, really, somewhere, just a little, a small piece of me that fears that treating a beautiful, smart, strong woman like that – objectifying, humiliating – is bad and wrong. I know fantasies and role play are so much more complicated than that, that the problematic power play and gender play that we oversexualize for pleasure is just that – oversexualized – in a very specific context, and it doesn’t mean I would ever do those things outside of that context. In fact, the context is what makes them hot at all – the consent – the way she asked for it, explicitly and specifically.
I’ve known this is what deeply gets me off. This isn’t new. I discovered that I could come while strapped on and fucking with Callie, and this is precisely what we used to play with, precisely the language we used, precisely the kind of thing she wanted. I had trouble with it, sometimes, partially because I wasn’t sure I could trust her (go figure) and because of how she demanded it, and that if I didn’t deliver correctly there were consequences.
So this kind of play does open me up in sensitive places, triggers me a little bit, pulls on old wounds of trauma.
I’ve known how much these concepts, this play, turns me on, but I haven’t really brought it up with Kristen before. Well – no, that’s not entirely true. We’ve been building to this, been learning each other and building trust and playing with consent and dirty talk and power play. We’ve been building to this, and it’s of course I wouldn’t have come to her on the first date – or in the first month! The first three months! – and say, I want to take you down like this. I want to fuck you until I get off and disregard what you feel, whether you like it or not. I wouldn’t say that! Even now, I have trouble writing it out – it’s more complicated than that being what I want, what I crave, because while it is, I just can’t get there to do that until I know for certain that my respect and honor for her are in place – and that I know she knows that, too. That I know some of her history and why she craves to be degraded in these ways. I need the trust to be there, and a deeply feminist understanding of sex and power play such that the issues of consent and degradation are clear, understood between us, and ultimately irrelevant to the way we play.
So I didn’t say it first. Honestly, it never occurred to me to this extent – if it had, I might’ve brought it up. We have played with elements of this, but nothing quite so specific or elaborate as we did yesterday. But I so needed that extra little piece of consent, that explicit permission which came from her – so I know I didn’t coerce her into it – that says take me. Overpower me. Use me.
We talked about this a bit recently – I wrote about it – about how hard it was for me to get off and how much she wants – we both want – me to get off more, and one of my major conclusions in exploring that has been that I pay so much attention to her, how she feels, what I can read from her tones and moans and body language, that I forget to pay attention to myself. It’s a strength of mine, to be observant, thoughtful, to pay attention to the person I’m with, I think it makes me a good lover and friend, but it doesn’t always serve me well: I loose myself sometimes, in ways even that I don’t always recognize at the time.
(I wonder how this relates to my history with Callie too, the ways I lost myself so totally and terribly with her. Maybe my getting off (easily) with her wasn’t actually deep connection with myself – or perhaps that’s unfair, since honestly that’s precisely the benefit that I took from that relationship: knowing that I needed to learn to deeply trust myself. But maybe the ways I came with her were about something else. Regardless, whatever connection to myself I began culminating with her was so challenging to keep while dealing with her neuroses and insecurities.)
And that’s precisely what Kristen brought up when we talked about it later: it makes sense that it is a big relief, and release, for me, when I stop doing that. When I no longer put someone else’s needs above my own, and in fact allow myself to override theirs with mine. I never do that, sometimes to my own determent. So being able – and being asked explicitly – to do that sexually is a huge, huge turn-on.
What I’m trying to say is, Kristen & I opened up something deep and wounded and complicated and beautiful and fucking powerful yesterday evening. It brings up guilt, it triggers some old wounds, brings some of my issues of overattentiveness to the surface, and makes me feel so strong and powerful, like the king of the world.
I know you want to know more about what it was we actually were saying, those dirty, filthy things that got me to come inside her twice while strapped on, during a blow job, during a punishment spanking for her being such a dirty girl, during some intense fucking with her ass in my hands and her legs in the air. It’s taken me all day to get through this, unfortunately, so I’ll have to write up the dialogue tonight and get it to you tomorrow.
Did I mention how much I am just totally loving my life? I can’t believe what an amazingly dirty filthy sexy hot freak I’ve found. And? She likes me as much as I like her. Grateful, grateful, grateful.
On Butch Eyebrows: waxed or natural?
That’s the question I posed to the hive mind an hour ago. And like all terribly important dilemma questions, I got a slew of responses:

I especially like what Janie said – that eyebrows “should be sculpted minimally to best feature one’s eyes.” Uh, so, how does one do that?
And you’re going to have to educate me I’m afraid: wtf is this “threading” business? I thought it was similar to waxing. Why recommend it in particular for butches? What’s the difference? I’m confused.
PS: I promise I won’t turn this blog into a mirror of what I’m doing on twitter. There are much smut and omphaloskepsis and media reviews and gender explorational writings in progress.
Cock Confidence: The Outlaw by Vixen Creations (Review)

Following the Johnny review breakdown precedence, here’s how the Outlaw cock by Vixen Creations from one of my very favorite sex toy stores stacks up.
(Then I’ll tell you a little embarrassing story concerning the Outlaw and a hotel room with Kristen.)
Girth: Hot damn, it’s a big one. 2″ around. Some would say, and have said, that that is the perfect girth. Enough to feel it, not enough to hurt (at least, not much).
Length: Um. Holy shit. This guy is 8 1/2″. It is huge. It does have balls, which you would think might slightly impact the insertable length, but they sit behind the O-ring of a harness and are quite flat, so they don’t actually take away from the otherwise massive length. I expected I’d have trouble driving this thing – but to the contrary, it was easy to fuck with strapped on, maybe partly because I didn’t have to be concerned about it slipping out.
Shape: Balls. A little vein-y but not too much. Realistic. Because it’s Vixskin it is a little more pliable than average, so it doesn’t have any particular permanent curve.
Materials: This is why you’d by this cock over any other 8.5″x2″ monster: made of Vixskin, a special silicone that feels more like cyberskin (realistic, pliable, feels more like flesh) but it is sterilizable. This is great. I nearly only fuck with cocks made from this material, it is hands-down the best.
And now for your bedtime story.
Kristen & I stayed at a lovely hotel overlooking downtown Boston when I was up there to do a performance a few weekends ago. We spent the evening – what else? – fucking, lounging around in the king-sized bed. I’d brought the Outlaw and also Rodeo Rick (as Babeland calls it – aka Maverick), my desert island dick (the one I’d bring with me above all others). We hadn’t used the Outlaw yet, but got it out and were discussing it at various points in the evening, playing with it and marveling at its size, mostly, and in one hilarious moment Kristen picked it up and set it on its base next to the TV, right in the open.
Later, much later, we ordered room service.
(You can already tell where this story is going, huh.)
I remembered to put boxers on, and an a-shirt, after we ordered but before the room service showed up, and Kristen was in bed, though nude, covers pulled up, on her laptop. Harness and cock we were just using were on the bedside table, next to a huge bottle of lube we’d had to buy earlier that day because I’d forgotten mine. Clothes were strewn around the desk where we’d been playing that afternoon. Bondage belt on the bedspread.
The room was a sex den, is what I’m saying.
The room service delivery guy knocked and before I knew it, he was bringing the tray into the room. “Uh – you decent?” I tried to warn Kristen. (I should’ve just taken the tray. Why didn’t I just take the tray?! Butch fail.)
He set it down on the dresser, right next to the TV.
Right next to the most giant fucking Outlaw cock.
I saw a tiny flicker of a smile on his mouth, but all in all he remained very straight-faced and professional. I was impressed. And so embarrassed! (I know, it’s not that big of a deal, but I couldn’t shake the facepalm feeling.)
“We haven’t even used it yet!” I exclaimed, getting back into bed with Kristen and the coffee profiteroles.
“Well,” she looked at me with that twinkle in her eye. “I guess we should.”
Sorry, delivery guy. But at least you’ve got a good story to tell at dinner parties! “Once, I delivered dessert at midnight to these two … lesbians …”

Sugasm #161: better late than never!
This Week’s Picks
- The Balance of Power: “A wave of lust coursed through her body at his words”
- Betrayal : “What’s this? Evidence of pleasure?”
- Secret signals: “I will adore him for it”
- Sugasm Editor: Not An Overnight
- Editor’s Choice: The Ghost of Abuse
More Sugasm | Join the Sugasm | See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
Some of my favorites from the week:
- Question #5 at Leather Yenta
- My Heart is my Strongest Muscle at Essin’ Em
- 20 Questions with Jiz Lee at Hot Movies for Her
- Oxygen at Dangerous Lilly
My story about what Kristen & I did on Valentine’s Day was included this week.
A butch bijou cocktail
Because I’m working so hard on the story Sugarbutch Star: Matt part two, I haven’t been writing much else (and it’s still not done – hopefully later or tomorrow!).
So, here: hopefully Mr. Maddow can entertain you for a little while. Interesting gender dynamics between these two, hmmm?
See also: bloopers from the same take. And I can’t not mention the Maddow Widowers Club, because if it was ever an option, Kristen would leave me in a heartbeat. I did see some chunky Maddow glasses on St. Mark’s the other day and thought, hmmmm. Maddow role-play? You be Susan, I’ll be your yardboy …
New music from the lesbian staple
The Indigo Girls have a new album out on March 24th, Poseidon and the Bitter Bug. (What’s up with that title? I don’t get it.) It’s a two-disc set, one electric version and one accoustic version of all the songs. Still a fairly regularly-priced CD, and it’s an interesting idea. I’m a big fan of their accoustic stuff, but I know others who like the rockin songs more, so maybe it’ll be lovely to have the different sounds.
I’m sorry but, helloooooo Amy Ray. That is a fabulous photo – of them both! – and really the only reason I’m writing this review is so I can point out how freakin butch Amy Ray is. In fact, I saw her live with her band – her ALL-BUTCH BAND – back in October, and was completely blown away. Amy was playing with Kaia Wilson, Julie Wolf, and Melissa York (see a whole bunch more photos from their west coast tour from indigospike on flickr), and they sounded so amazing together. Amy’s newest album Didn’t It Feel Kinder is one of the very few CDs I’ve actually spent money on in the last few years, so I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Except, just one thing about the photo: the tie tip should touch the middle of the belt buckle. Not sure why Amy’s tie is so short, maybe that’s some styly thing I don’t know about?, but it looks a bit awkward to me. (What’s the tie-length rule when one’s shirt is untucked? Or perhaps that rule presumes an always-tucked shirt.)
Kristen and I listened to it on the way back from a small trip to Boston last week, and she said something I thought was interesting – something like, what’s the point of a new Indigo Girls CD, the entire point is that you know all the words and sing along.
I forget that they’re seen as such a sing-along band. I’m not one to sing-along at concerts – I’m more of the guy glaring at the singers usually, though not at Indigo Girls concerts: it’s true, there are just too many songs that everyone knows, and that is a part of it. Going to Indigo Girls concerts every summer was a big part of my identity development – it’s like an Ani Difranco concert, which I’ve come to call “the family reunion” because of all the dykes, as in “are you going to the family reunion this summer?” “Oh yes, of course, I never miss ’em.” – seeing all those gay women in one place was like going to Pride or the Dyke March, made me feel more at home in my own skin.
I still remember the first time I watched the video for Closer to Fine, my mind blew a bit. I couldn’t stop watching Amy’s delicious swagger and it definitely took me a while to figure out that I wanted to be her, not do her.
Take a listen to many of the songs on Poseidon and the Bitter Bug over at Indigo Girls.com so you can start memorizing the lyrics. Read Tina’s review here and leave a comment (on her blog! not mine!) to win a copy of it, if you like.
Review: Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco
I’m not sure how it happened actually, but somewhere in the last few months I started updating my Twitter account with thoughts when I was watching porn to review. That’s aka “live-tweeting porn.”
A month or so ago, I finally got the Video On Demand on Good Vibes to work, and sat down to check out Madison Young’s Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco, and tweeted throughout. Many other folks on twitter chimed in with their thoughts on the film, and on some lesbian sex tips in general (like, what’s with that twisty hand thing? How come there’s no fisting on DVDs?), and what kind of toys they’re using in this episode.
Lots of the San Francisco queer porn stars are on Twitter, too, so a few times Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye) and Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich) jumped in to add some thoughts about their scene (“@SydBlakovich ps. it is really hard to fuck on a massage table.”)
Here’s a transcript of the Twitter stream as I was watching the film. If you aren’t familiar with Twitter: the first @____ is the person who is writing this, the second @___ (if there is one) is the person to whom they are directing that writing. Photos were borrowed from Alpine SubDreams’s Lesbian Life review, thanks!
Foreplay ….
- @mrsexsmith porn of the night: Lesbian Life, Real Sex San Francisco by Madison Young. live tweeting for the next hour
- @EssinEm @mrsexsmith Mmm. That’s one of my top three movies!
- @ButchtasticKyle @mrsexsmith oooh dayam..
- @GoodVibesSF @mrsexsmith is live tweeting about a best selling VOD Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco. http://tinyurl.com/lesbianlife
SCENE ONE: Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye) & Lorelei Lee
- @mrsexsmith jiz lee is impressive on the [playground] rings.
- @EssinEm @mrsexsmith I totally went to that park/playground when I was there!!
- @mrsexsmith @EssinEm it’s a loooooong park scene. still going on. I’m not that into it. oh wait … lorelei lee just bent over … getting better now ..
- @hotmovies4her @mrsexsmith Are you watching Lesbian Life – Real Sex SF? haha, I JUST reviewed Scene 3 for tomorrow. it is so so so hot!
- @mrsexsmith @hotmovies4her yes! I’m still in scene 1 … i’ll look forward to 3 then.
SCENE TWO: Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich) & Lorelei Lee
- @mrsexsmith oh I dig this scene in the bike shop. way hot. STILL no cocks though!
- @jezinyoureye @mrsexsmith LesbianLife:Real Sex SF cocks in scene 3 (johnny used by @SydBlakovich on Carson) & scene 4 (buck used by me on Dylan Ryan)
- @mrsexsmith reason #1 why the bike shop is more hot than the park scene: lorelei can make more noise. love the way she whimpers.
- @mrsexsmith @jezinyoureye YES! good cocks too. yummm.
- @mrsexsmith holy hell! – four fingers in and HARD too. fuck fuck this is great!
- @mrsexsmith lorelei has left her red high heels on. mmmm that is my kinda girl.
- @SydBlakovich @hotmoviesforher & @mrsexsmith glad u like it! Took me a sec to get the grease and cum off of me.
- @jezinyoureye @hotmoviesforher @mrsexsmith those were my coveralls; @SydBlakovich returned them to me with grease & cum all over them.
- @mrsexsmith @jezinyoureye :O how rude! hope you took it out on @sydblackovich ‘s ass
- @EssinEm @jezinyoureye Oh, how awful
- @SydBlakovich @jezinyoureye whatever u have her cum all over ur face anyways, I was just helping u match.
- @mrsexsmith @SydBlakovich ohh and here you are doing a bit of primping, getting the grease & cum off. fucking HOT.
- @jezinyoureye @mrsexsmith Too bad we’re cant show fisting in porn DVDs. We can online though — all the folks in LesbianLife are on CPS, and we fist. :D
- @EssinEm @jezinyoureye New goal (in addition to everything else on my list): come back to CPS and get fisted.
- @mrsexsmith @jezinyoureye !! I didn’t know that! though I have suspected. I do know your CPS work well :)
- @jezinyoureye @mrsexsmith If I had a nickel for every time a queer person was surprised to hear that fisting is not allowed
- @jezinyoureye @mrsexsmith … I’d buy out the industry and allow fisting for all.
- @mrsexsmith @jezinyoureye oh I like that plan! i’ll gladly throw in a nickel. who makes these rules?
- @pazenlavida @mrsexsmith this episode of frontline explains why you can’t fist on dvd’s. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/
- @SydBlakovich Check out episode 89. Lorelei and I do an interview. http://www.blowfish.com/radio/
SCENE THREE: Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich) & Carson
- @SydBlakovich ps. it is really hard to fuck on a massage table.
- @mrsexsmith @SydBlakovich I bet, but you pull it off like it’s nuthin. what harness is that??
- @SydBlakovich @mrsexsmith I think it was the cloth version of the terra firma but u can take any jock style cloth harness and remove the backing piece.
- @mrsexsmith great music in this tattoo parlor scene. great music in every scene so far, actually.
- @mrsexsmith um. omg. blow job. with the johnny. fuck that’s impressive.
- @mrsexsmith did I mention that I’m watching Lesbian Life in San Francisco via @GoodVibesSF VOD? they’ve got some great flicks available to download.
- @mrsexsmith dykes often do that twisty thing with their fingers/hands when finger fucking in porn. for me & lovers that has been uncomfortable. thoughts?
- @EssinEm @mrsexsmith What twisty thing?
- @mrsexsmith @EssinEm twisting your hand over, basically. ouch.
- @bailar_vivir @mrsexsmith The twisty maneuver is painful when performed on me. Yoikes!
- @dolphyngyrl @mrsexsmith I’d have to see what you’re talking about, exactly, but the twist thing can help open things up.
- @dolphyngyrl @mrsexsmith con’t: The point is getting more in as you twist.
- @evilgrrlevilgrrl @mrsexsmith – Do the twisty thing SLOWLY and gently at first with LOTS of lube.
- @EssinEm @mrsexsmith Oh. I like that usually, with enough lube.
- @aisforalisha @mrsexsmith I was thinking about that the other day.. I’ve never done it, but was curious..
- @mrsexsmith @aisforalisha well @essinem says it’s good with enough lube – which is a good point. enough lube and any friction is good friction.
- @Weebeasty @mrsexsmith That always leaves me really sore but not in a good way.
- @EssinEm @mrsexsmith But I think I’d prefer to just be fucked very very hard.
- @bailar_vivir @EssinEm I wish being fucked very very hard didnt hurt in a bad way… sounds awesome! :(
- @mrsexsmith re: the twisty thing: @dolphyngyrl “it can open things up” and @evilgrrl “slowly/gently with lots of lube.” Hmmmmmm
SCENE FOUR: Dylan Rion & Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye)
- @mrsexsmith oh, dylan rion and your signature blow job earrings.
@mrsexsmith aww @jezinyoureye brought a rose! aren’t you sweet. - @mrsexsmith ooh @jezinyoureye is wearing my favorite cock (and the white jaguar harness?) and mmmmm dylan’s mouth is on it. that is delicious.
- @mrsexsmith four fingers and dylan rion is making beautiful noises. ohmygodYES.
- @mrsexsmith blow job on glass? (or maybe it’s acrylic?) makes me a bit too conscious of teeth.
- @jezinyoureye Not so much a BJ — we were just licking off the cum.
- @mrsexsmith and that was the last scene of Lesbian Life in San Francisco, brought to me by @GoodVibesSF … uh, anything else I should watch from there?
Pleasurists #20
Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #19? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #21? Submit it here before Sunday March 15th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
- Pure Romance Contest Deadline: March 18th, 11:59pm.
- I’ve got the golden ticket….. Deadline: March 20th 11:59pm EST.
- $20 Gift Card to Babeland! Deadline: March 22nd at 11:59pm.
- Lucky You!: Love Letter Contest Deadline: March 23rd noon EST.
- Win a $20 Gift Card to Babeland! Deadline: March 28th 2009.
- $20 Babeland GC or Quickie Kit! Deadline: Tuesday, March 31st
- Pleasurists Contest: LELO Toy Giveaway! Deadline: Friday April 10th at 11:59pm PST.
Madame Editrix
On to the reviews… Continue reading →
Announcements: Three New Projects
I’ve got three new projects brewing, and they’re finally all just about ready for public launch.
One: The ToySwap Network
The idea started when I asked if anyone on Twitter had unused massage candles or massage oil just sitting around, and Dangerous Lilly offered up a nice little Babeland massage candle, and we started talking about how great it would be to have a place to swap the things we don’t use. Lots of sexbloggers are overrun with toys to review, and we end up with lots of things we don’t use or don’t want. So, we started doing some research about how to develop a little network for toy swapping, and after a bit of drama, we settled on Ning.com.
Unfortunately we might still have a bit of a problem here, since Ning.com updated their terms of service to not allow any “adult-themed” groups, but we’re trying to work that out with the administrators. Which is why I haven’t mentioned it yet.
But! Things are looking good! And the group is going strong! And today marks the beginning of our first Swap Week, where we hope folks will flock to do more trades than usual, to keep our lists updated and offer up the best of what we got.
If you want to join, you need an invitation to join our specific group but you can sign up at Ning.com and let me know you want to be a part of it with a comment here and I’ll send you a personal invitation.
Two: The Sugarbutch Recommended Amazon store
Hand-picked books, DVDs, & other products from Amazon.com and recommended just for you.
It’s a little peek into my bookshelves, really, because these are some of the best of the best books about gender, sex, sexuality, and theory that I’ve read, many of which I own. Hope you find some good recommendations and interesting things inside the store.
Three: Mr. Sexsmith Recommends … Hot queer porn movies on demand, through Hot Movies For Her

Sign up at Hot Movies for Her and receive 20 free minutes (usually you just get 10), then come back to VOD.sugarbutch.net to check out some of my hand-picked favorites. Quite possibly my favorite scene of all time – Episode 1 from the Crash Pad Series – is now included on HMFH. I also recommend Real Life in San Francisco and Good Dyke Porn and Post Apocalyptic Cowgirls and oh, right, I recommend everything in there, I picked it all out!
Last but not least:
Allyson is featured on Queer Eye Candy today. We’ve known each other for years – she’s one of the few folks still in my life who knew me before I came out. She’s started a new project at The Femme Domestic and it’s quite lovely so far.
The Community page has been slightly updated – I’m not great at keeping up with it, the RSS reader is a better way to see which blogs I’m reading. If you’d like to be added to the Community page, leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll get you updated soon.
Clit Pumping: How to Grow
I wrote about clit pumping in February 2008, and since then, I’ve researched pumping a bit more.
Pumping is most well-known, probably, for endless spam emails: Make her feel your Wang! Make Your Meat-Stick Massive! Give Her Real Lovefest! Turns out, the more you engorge your cis-cock with blood, the bigger it becomes. Similar to working a muscle, I suppose – this is the way you work that particular muscle.
And about two years ago now I heard from a friend that clit pumping was all the rage at a particular trans conference they had attended. Reeeeeally, I asked. How does that work?
Apparently, quite well. Some guys grow inches on their clits from pumping. I did a bit of research (i.e.: googled it, and tried to avoid the nasty sites), which is how I stumbled across a clit pump that I reviewed a year ago, and then a great sex toy store asked me to review multiple pumping products and compare them together.
I feel a bit like Goldilocks and the Three Pumps, trying these out – which one will be just right?
This is the same clit pump I reviewed before – I didn’t realize until it arrived that they were the same. It comes highly recommended, though, now, from multiple sources, so if you’re looking for a clit pump, this is probably a good one.
It was interesting enough that I sought out more information on pumping, but ultimately I wanted more suction and pressure than this little thing could offer.
I’m still not really sure what the appeal of a clit pump is for gals who aren’t looking to enlarge their clits – or, why you would want to enlarge it, I guess. Is it simply an extension of the penis pump? Someone just assumed a woman might want a bigger clit? Bigger = better, etc?
Generally, this pump is weak in pressure, and not deep enough in the cup. The plusi s that it is actually made for my anatomy and thus fits easily over a clit, unlike the penis pumps, whose openings are 2″ wide. On to those next.
More pressure, more depth in the shaft of the device – depth indeed! Like 12″ of depth! Maybe a bit overkill, I certainly don’t need more than two inches max. The opening is big, too – 2″ around, with a plastic sheath inside – and kind of a challenge to find the seal on the suction. In fact, I often felt like I was pumping my labia as well as my clit, because it’s hard to get a seal just around my clit without getting the labia in there too.
It’s a bit unweildly, feels awkward to have this huuuuge long thing protruding from my clit, so it was kind of uncomfortable. After I got the hang of the suction, it got easier to actually pump: I squeeze the little bulby thing to the point of pressure (not pain) and hold for a few minutes (five, not twenty). The squeeze-pump style is alright, but sometimes felt like it was letting out air rather than making the seal tighter.
So, this one is better with suction … but uselessly too long for a clit, and awkward.
Aha! Maybe this will solve it – still has the pressure of a “real” penis pump, but it’s smaller, not quite as GIANT and awkward. Let’s see.
Suction: still difficult. This one has a bit of plastic built around the edge of the opening to make sure the seal happens, but that’s, again, only useful if you’ve actually got something to stick inside of the pump itself, which I don’t. Once I get the hang of it, once I get the placement right one time, I can usually get it again and it gets easier. But I’m still pumping my labia (not what I want – at times, that’s painful for my labia piercing) in order to get a seal, and I’m not crazy about that.
Pumping action: This has a squeeze-trigger type of pumping action instead of a squeeze-bulb, which I like better. Easier to add precisely the amount of pressure that I’m aiming for, the bulb feels like it lets some of it out sometimes.
Size: Fine … better than the huge one, easier to wield, but still feels like it wasn’t made for my anatomy. Because, uh, it wasn’t.
In conclusion … Oh yeah – there’s an important question I missed here: does this work? YES. My clit is definitely bigger than it used to be, not so much when unaroused, but it definitely gets larger than it used to when aroused. And this is, well, fun.
The Penis Head Pump is the one that I would keep using, were I to keep using a pump. But, I might not continue pumping very often. After a few months of trying out all three of these in various capacities, I’ve noticed that my clit, though noticably bigger, is also, I think, decreased in sensitivity. I’m having a harder time coming now than I ever remember coming in my life. I’m not sure why, but it could be related. So I’m going to back off for a while (of pumping and of my hitachi, sigh) and see if that helps me get off easier.
Have you tried pumping? What was it like for you? Are you interested in doing so? Leave your two cents in the comments.
Cock Confidence and the KinkForAll Conference
I had a wonderful time at the KinkForAll conference at the LGBT Community Center yesterday. Major thank-yous to Maymay and Eileen (remember her story? mhm I do too) and all the unorganizers and folks who brought food (oh my lord what were those sticky chocolate wafer things?!) and attended and presented – I left with a lot of things on my mind and a lot of ideas to take home.
Some of my favorites? Calico‘s presentation on “Dirty Sexy Money” – I thought we’d talk about sex work, but in fact we were talking about money play and the ways that money can enhance power differentials in role play scenarios. That definitely got my mind going. And also, in Jason’s “What Can’t You Do with Vet Tape?” presentation, I learned that you can’t really use vet tape to beat someone up, but oh boy can you ever use it to tie someone down. I liked the blindfold/gag demo and I am very inspired to pick up some of that. A #kfanyc investigation on twitter reveals that jeffersequine.com is the place to pick it up online. And Barbara Carrellas lead a quick sex magic/tantra presentation that had the whole room breathing, visualizing what we wanted. I will definitely be looking up her workshops and trying to catch one full-length, I’ve heard wonderful things about her and her work for years but have yet to attend.
I did my own presentation as well, and at the last minute called it COCK CONFIDENCE in a butch/femme context. I had some notes, but was also not feeling very well, and twenty minutes goes by so fast!, so I had a lot more to say about the subject that I didn’t get to. Here goes.
1. What is cock confidence?
Particularly, what is it in a genderqueer context, with a strap-on as opposed to a cis-cock?
Most of us who strap on have had those moments of awkwardness when we go from the hot-and-heavy making out to “oh my god, this is really gonna happen,” then the sudden realization: “oh shit, when (and how) do I whip it out?”
Cock confidence is knowing when and how, and doing it smoothly so it doesn’t ruin the mood. This does not necessarily mean taking yourself (or your cock) incredibly seriously, sometimes a little bit of camp and sillyness can be totally appropriate and keep you laughing and connected to the hot lil piece of ass that you’re about to fuck.
(I happen to be a particularly serious lover, so it didn’t even occur to me that taking it seriously was separate from having confidence, though I think those are two different things.)
2. How do I get (more) cock confidence?
Two particular things come to mind here: you can develop confidence solo, with yourself, and you can develop it with a lover.
Lots of us have lovers, but they don’t necessarily validate our cock confidence, or perhaps our cock confidence is so low that we want to gain some of our own before we bring it into play with a partner. Do this on your own! Get to know your cock, get it out, wear it, put it on, clean the house, watch your weekly tv show while you’re wearing it. Get off with it on and see how that feels. Incorporate it into your own self-luuuuv rituals.
The more comfortable you are putting it on and taking it off, the more practice you have at it, the easier it will be to do with a lover present too. You’ll struggle less with the buckles and snaps if you have done it a dozen or fifty or a hundred times already. You’ll get the feel of how long it takes when it goes smoothly, so it won’t feel as long and endless of a process when you’re doing it in front of someone else.
Secondly: practice cock confidence by getting with someone who respects the way you want to wear and wield your cock. This, in my experience, is best done by talking to the person you’re fucking, either the one who you are already sleeping with (an ongoing partner, perhaps) or the one you are trying to get in bed, preferably before you’re in bed together.
And this is where gender discussions as foreplay come in.
I’ve written about gender as foreplay before, but let’s see if I can’t go into a bit more depth here. I find it rather easy to bring up gender during a date, it’s often one of my early talking points when I meet someone new (“What do you do?” “I’m a writer, mostly of smut and gender theory.”), but I’m not sure exactly how it comes up or what I use in order to discuss it.
If I’m on a date, I start a conversation about chivalry and the ways that I use it as courtship and interest, as a way to enhance the gender differences between us, and as respect. Chivalry is so connected to gendered interactions, it leads automatically into a discussion of gender. I like to ask about someone’s gender, about how they came to the gender they’ve got, to tell their gender story.
The gender story is a big one – how I came to be the way I am – it tells so much about where a person is at, their past loves, past heartbreaks, what they’ve learned from relationships and what they know now to be true about themselves.
Someone asked me how to make this gendered conversation sexy, or sexual – foreplay rather than analytical conversation. The short answer is, I’m not sure I know, since the analytical conversations about gender really do turn me on.
The longer answer is … what about gender turns you on? Talk about that stuff. Does it turn you on to talk about cocks and cufflinks and gender as a form of power play and femme markers like stockings, earrings, makeup? Talk about that. Is it suits and dresses? High heels and combat boots? Or is it some other version of femme and butch, of not conforming to gender, of wearing boxer briefs under a mini-skirt, of genderqueer or head-shaving and how liberating it is to not have any hair, plus it feels good, run your hands over it. It’s more than just physical markers, too, of course. So talk about that – what does your “inner gender” mean, say, feel like? What makes you feel the most like you, the most sexy, the most wanted, the most desire?
All these discussions of sex and gender are absolutely to determine what kind of chemistry and compatibility you might have with this person once you get in bed, to determine whether or not it’d be a good match. You might be very physically attracted to them, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a good match in bed – I’m sure this is not news to most folks, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate.
I mean, I don’t really fuck without a cock. I joked about this at KinkForAll – “I mean, what would I DO?!” Of course, I don’t really mean that (and I hate to perpetuate the idea that lesbians don’t have anything to do together in bed, since there’s no cock involved). I have plenty of ideas about what to do with my hands, mouth, fists, without involving a cock.
But that’s not the kind of sex I prefer.
(Obviously, you already know that, if you read this site.) I prefer strapping on. I prefer a submissive femme girl on her knees gulping my cock down her throat, I prefer throwing her onto the bed before shoving my hand between her legs. And conversations about gender, and how I use gender as part of the sex play, are key to knowing whether or not a girl would be into that before we really start to get it on.
I watch what happens when I mention my cock. I watch her reaction, I watch her eyelids flutter as she checks to see if maybe, just maybe I’m wearing one right now (I am). I watch her skin flush on her neck as heat comes to her body.
And that’s how I get my cock confidence.
Any questions? Class adjourned.
PS: Lolita got a shot of me during the Cock Confidence workshop, thanks Lo!
A Resplendent Image
Some days just the memory of her is enough to drive me wild.
I’ve been holding on to the image of her in my bed last Sunday all week, rolling it over in my mind like I roll my ring on my finger.
We’d already been fucking, all day really. Woke and I couldn’t keep my hands off her, stayed in bed until hunger forced us up after one. Back home and I wanted more. Cradled her, fucked a while, until I wanted to watch.
I’m perhaps more of a voyeur than even I know. And she is such an expert at her own body, I love watching her as her skin flushes, fingers move, hands hover above her own pussy as she shakes, then opens her eyes to look at me: “want me to do it again?”
This time, she was on her back, on my bed. I wished aloud for a spreader bar and then made one, makeshift, from a white-tipped straight black cane and black rope, her ankles as far apart as they could go, she couldn’t close her knees.
Then: clamps on her nipples. Tighter than I expected, but I know she likes the pressure, likes it when I bite hard.
Then: I got a cock out, a big one, the widest I have, I can’t even get my thumb and forefinger all the way around the narrowest part. It is short, so, hard to strap-on. I keep it in my hand as I watch her writhe for one, two orgasms on her own, as she can’t take something that big until she’s warmed up.
I tug at the chain of the nipple clamps, twist them around for more of a pinch. She moans. She likes it.
I watch her come and lube up the cock, slide it in without much resistance, watch her face change, her hips open, as she starts working her clit again right away.
And these are the images that flash in my mind: that thick red cock shoved all the way in; her hands, both, between her legs, upper arms pushing her breasts together as the clamps and chain accent her nipples and swollen aureole; knees up and rocking back and forth, straining against the bar holding her ankles apart.
I’m kneeling at the foot of the bed, knees apart, stroking my cock, still strapped on, watching from slightly above as she writhes and moans.
Then: next to her, my hand working the cock in and out, my mouth at her neck, shoulder.
“Kiss me,” she whispers, as I refuse to close the distance and keep her straining to reach my mouth.
I grin, and slap her instead, three four five six times in rapid succession. She moans, I hit her again. “Or slap me, that’s good too,” she breathes, nearly under her breath, as I continue to make her cheek pinker, and I do, again, and she starts coming, harder, so I slap her a few more times before leaning in to kiss her, until she starts jerking as she comes and nearly knocks me in the nose with her forehead.
“Fuck me, please,” she is unhinged like this and asking for just what she wants, and I love that.
I shift between her legs, the bar holding her ankles apart now behind my knees and I keep some pressure on it so she can strain against it, and slide inside easily, wrap my arms around her, kiss her hard, and we lose ourselves in it, rocking against each other, going deep.
Butch/femme in various cities
I got an email recently from a femme looking to relocate, but not sure where yet she’s going to go. Here’s her note:
I’m a young femme looking to relocate to a new city, and I want to go somewhere with a large diverse lesbian community that is very friendly to the butch-femme dynamic.
I’ve spent much of my life in LA, a city with nary a handsome butch to be found! And when I lived briefly in San Francisco, there were many cute butches but few other femmes, and I was always “read” as straight. It would be ideal to live somewhere where I could find both femme friends and a butch partner.
Some cities I am looking into: Seattle, Portland, Brooklyn, and Boston.
I can speak to Seattle and Brooklyn, but none of the others really. So I figured I’d ask you all: where do you live? What’s the butch/femme culture like in those cities?
Chime in regardless of where you live – I’d love to hear about the cultures outside of the US, too.
Some questions to consider:
– Are there lesbian-specific bars, or nights at the gay bars? More than one? Are some of them more known for being butch/femme than others?
– Are there butch/femme social groups?
– Is it gender-forward and inclusive of many expressions?
Pleasurists #18
I don’t usually submit to Pleasurists – I don’t really consider myself a toy reviewer in the way that others do. I just like to try things out & talk about them. This week, though, I liked how many comments I got about the Jaguar Harness – it’s a widely-used harness, so it was great to hear everybody’s two cents on what they thought of it and whether or not they use it. I think that discussion is really useful! Thanks for weighing in.
Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #17? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #19? Submit it here before Sunday March 8th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
- Kink Anyone? Deadline: Friday March 6th, 2009.
- Pure Romance Contest Deadline: March 9th, midnight.
- Win a Babeland Gift Card Deadline: Saturday, March 14th.
On to the reviews…
Editor’s Pick
- Bill and Desiree: Love Is Timeless by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Everything they do, they do with exhilaration and wild abandon. They explore their sexual love like children who are delighted and amazed by everything they see and touch. I had a perma-smile welded on my face as I watched them make love with such tenderness: their smiles, laughter and joy radiating out of the screen to affect me as well. It was so powerful and beautifully poignant to watch their sweet ecstatic moans and tearful orgasms as they convulsed with ecstasy.
Madame Editrix: Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Editor’s Pick of Sugasm #160
This Week’s Picks
- He beats me “I bite my lip in anticipation as I follow his direction.”
- Jerking Off: You’re doing it wrong! “However, I’m in it now. And I need it.”
- Love Languages “How do I best show my love?”
- Sugasm Editor Faking A Four Way
- Editor’s Choice Sugarbutch Star: Matt (part 1)
More Sugasm | Join the Sugasm | See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
My favorites were showcased in the top three this week! But here’s a couple more shout-outs to some awesome women working in queer porn:
On Butches: Coming Inside
The truth is, it feels embarrassing, really, to come while strapped on and fucking. The amount I have to let go and risk is sometimes too much for my heart to open up.
It isn’t fair to say that she doesn’t have to do the same amount of risk and letting go when I throw her down onto the bed, shove my hand between her legs, push my fingers inside until she’s screaming and thrashing under my forearm holding her down.
But it’s different, isn’t it?
Let’s not say one is harder than the other, it isn’t about hierarchy: only that one is not the same as the other. But, why? Maybe because that’s the way her body is “supposed” to work, biologically it is built to take inside, to be invaded, to tilt the bowl of her pelvis up and open the hinge of her hips back.
I don’t like making generalized statements like that: “women are made to x because biologically, bodies are built like y,” there is so much unfinished in that statement, and there is some sort of deeper, inner sense of gender and self that is discounted because of our binary system of classification under biology.
But there is something, something about the ways that entering inside, being permitted to come inside, being permitted to invade, to be permitted to take and thrust and enter, is not what my body is made to do, so I am on shaky ground, out of synch with what my cells know. There is something so vulnerable about having sex organs (like a silicone cock) outside the body, something so exposing about the ways I get … hungry, desperate for a safe haven, so dependent upon another for fulfillment and satisfaction.
And there is the moment of orgasm: shuddering and losing control momentarily and I don’t even know if my eyes are rolling back and my mouth is lolling open, such a moment of unconsciousness when I usually have such precise purpose when I am on top, fucking her, sliding in and out, rocking against her. I know exactly how this feels and exactly where to put my hands and such confidence in the ways that I am moving. But in that moment I lose that and all I can think of are those guys, those stupid guys in every bad movie where they are completely lost in their own world and the girl is looking up at them with a face like, really? Really. You’re just going to keep going and you can’t even tell that I’m totally disconnected, and that might be my worst fear, that I am alone in those moments of pleasure, so wrapped up in how my dick feels in her pussy that I don’t even know the ways she is not enjoying this.
And then I am spent and small and soft and dribbling and drained.
I know there’s more to it than that. I know.
But there’s a tiny aspect of it that infiltrates my mind when I find myself close, when I feel my cock tighten and balls lift, muscles pinching. I can’t do that, I can’t let go.
Maybe that’s why it has been nearly impossible to come while strapped on with anyone since Callie. It happens, sure, but it is inconsistent and unpredictable, which makes it all the more embarrassing and exposing. Maybe I haven’t trusted enough. Maybe it’s all mental. Maybe I am still terrified to expose myself, now that I see how easily I have lost myself in the recent past. On the inside of every cell wall in me has YOU CAN’T HAVE ME written a hundred times in tiny print. But maybe I need to go in there with a delicate eraser and figure out what pen it was I used, and write something else. Or maybe I need to leave the walls blank and clear so I can see right through them.
Because when I come inside her, and then come back to myself, and to her, like I did on Sunday morning, nearly falling off of the bed, sheets and blankets completely askew, light coming in the slatted blinds behind us, and she looks at me with those blue blue eyes with so much clarity and witness, so much reverence and strength, though there is a part of me that panics, there is also a part of me that has come home.
Feminists & Porn
Are you bored at work? Do you love taking surveys? Do you think research about feminism & porn is important?
Cool, glad we cleared that up.
So: go take this survey about feminists’ use of porn:
Hi, My name is Hayley, and I’m a 44 year old MA Women’s Studies student [at Ruskin College Oxford]. I am currently involved in my dissertation year and am doing research into feminists who use pornography. I have an interest in women’s sexuality and sexual expression. I also have had an interest for some time around the notions of sexuality and women’s bodies as sites of oppression and/or liberation.
I am looking for feminist respondents to complete this questionnaire as part of my MA dissertation. This dissertation will be viewed by my MA markers at Ruskin, and may in part or in full at some time be published. In order to preserve people’s identities, I request that you use a pseudonym.
After the survey, there will be a Facebook group you can join to talk to other people who have completed the questionnaire and offer any feedback about it.
If there are questions you would prefer not to answer that’s fine. If you want to explain why you object to them, that’s fine too.
Thanks in advance for your help.
(Thanks to Jess at The F-Word for the survey call.)
Come to KinkForAll on Sunday!
KinkForAll, a new unconference, is coming up this Sunday, March 8th, at the LGBT Community Center in NYC. I’ve been really looking forward to this and I think it’s going to be incredible.
Here’s the first description from the KinkForAll webpage:
KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. It is inspired by and based upon the BarCamp community.
I don’t know if or what I’ll be presenting on exactly. When I signed up I wrote that I might give a presentation about “gender theory, identity development, butch/femme identity, presentation, and dynamics, strapping on & sucking butch cock, how to fall in love without losing yourself … and probably a bunch of other things …” but it’s also really possible that I’ll just be there as a participant. I mean, look at all the other amazing people who have great ideas about what they can present on?
Vitals
======
What: A no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference.
Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.
When: March 8, 2009, Sunday, 10AM to 5:30PM
Where: LGBT Community Center, Room 310 at 208 West 13th Street, New York City
Who: Everyone
How much: Free (as in beer as well as freedom)
Details
=======
KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)
ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.
A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.
Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.
Learn more about what to expect at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/WhatToExpect
Learn more about the event guidelines at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/TheRulesOfKinkForAll
Get Involved
============
We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating. Here’s how:
1. Get excited by reading the ideas on http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/KinkForAllNewYorkCity
2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants
3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing kinkforall@googlegroups.com
Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/FrequentlyAskedQuestions
or email kinkforall@googlegroups.com for more details.
Perhaps I’ll see you there!
Save About Face Theatre
One of About Face Theatre’s many supporters emailed me recently with this call for help to keep the theatre’s doors open, staff paid, and the youth theatre program intact. If you can help, please do.
She writes:
As a young femme fresh out of college, I interned at About Face and learned a lot about making queer art that’s accountable to the community. AFT was a great place to work, and I got to see first-hand the high quality of the shows they produced and the impact they’ve had on LGBT youth through their youth program. This is the theatre group that made I Am My Own Wife into the incredible show that it was by the time it hit New York.
Here’s the call for donations and support:
SAVE ABOUT FACE THEATRE!
“This is a space where youth can come and have so much love and support. This is a place for us to be heard” – AFT youth artist
About Face Theatre, one of Chicago’s leading LGBTQ institutions and the original home of Pulitzer-prizewinning I AM MY OWN WIFE, is in danger of closing.
To confront this immediate crisis, About Face has launched a national “FACE THE FUTURE” campaign to save the organization and ensure its future. The About Face Board of Directors is asking for immediate financial contributions in order to keep its doors open, staff paid, and the youth theatre program intact.
About Face Theatre creates exceptional, innovative and adventurous plays to advance the national dialogue on gender and sexual identity If About Face does not survive, the country will lose one of the few high-profile theaters making new work by and about the LGBTQ experience. The award-winning About Face Youth Theater serves queer youth by providing artistic experiences and leadership training.
In response to the economic downturn and significant debt, About Face has reduced its budget by over 30% by implementing staff and production cuts while also postponing our third show. This is the responsible action to take, but it is not enough. If you help us raise $300,000, we will solve our immediate crisis and build a foundation for ongoing financial health. Here’s what you can do:
— DONATE NOW www.aboutfacetheatre.com
— PERSONALIZE THIS EMAIL AND FORWARD IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES
Donations can be made at www.aboutfacetheatre.com, by calling (773)784-8565, or by mailing a check to the theatre at 1222 W. Wilson, 2nd Floor West, Chicago, IL 60640.
POST A VIDEO Artistic contributions are encouraged as well, as About Face organizes a web-based video forum for testimony on the importance of About Face Theatre, of mentoring queer youth, and the vital need for innovative artmaking in today’s society. To participate, please email bonnie@aboutfacetheatre.com or call the AFT office.
What happened in February
February 2009! It was a quick month, but there was still some great stuff going on. And I won this little award you might have heard of …
Sex:
- Sugarbutch Star: Matt (part one) – This was a story submission that challenged me to include specific images for all five senses, and I’ve been struggling with it for a while. I love the challenge, but woah it’s hard. Part two is still forthcoming.
Gender:
Miscellany:
- The Lezzys are here! Nominations for the Lezzy Awards, the Lezzy Award Finalists, and then … ta da! Two Lezzys? Really?! Thanks, everybody who voted. Check out the other winners & nominees, too, there are some really excellent blogs in those lists.
- The Best Sex Toy Reviewers of 2008 list via the Pleasurists came out in February, and I ranted a little bit about how sex toy reviews are permiating sex blogs these days. Just to be clear, this was not intended to be a cricism of the list itself – I think it’s quite useful! And I found some great new sites to read by going through it. It was only a reflection on the increased amount of toys that have been going around our sites, and what I’ve been thinking about that. I don’t think we should stop reviewing and I don’t dislike reviewing (I love it!), I just know for myself I want to be more discerning about the companies I work with and the toys (and other books, DVDs, etc) that I accept to review.
- Semantics: The Do-Be-Do-Be-Do Complex, brought to you by my friend Mr. K. Great comments about this concept, worth reading.
- Important Calls for Support: Home Alive & Scarleteen If you’ve got an activist bone in ya, these two organizations are looking for support. They’re very important and I highly recommend getting involved, if you feel inspired.
Reviews:
- Bow Restraints
- Jaguar Harness has some great comments from people whose opinions of this harness are different than mine, really useful I think if you’re in the market for a harness.
- Johnny … mmm, a big cock.
What we did on Valentine’s Day
We spent the morning fucking, so we didn’t get on the road until after 1pm, nearly 2. “America’s Oldest Winery” was only about a two-hour drive from New York City, and they had a Valentine Special – a chocolate truffle pairing with their 6-wine tasting menu.
It was a surprise, for Kristen.
I prepped for the mini-road-trip as if I was on the West Coast, old habits I suppose. Most drives over there were six or eight hours, or at least four or five, so I am used to gathering games, books to read aloud, mixed roadtrip CDs, snacks not bought at a gas station. (What I’m saying is, I overplanned.)
I’d asked her to wear a short skirt, and lipstick. She added a garter, over-the-knee thin socks, heels. Her lipstick is sticky and bright. I want it to last, and avoid kissing her for the longest short drive I’ve been on in ages (which takes a lot of willpower, let me tell you).
Arriving too late for the tour, we settle easily into the tasting, even befriend the unimpressed gay boy couple next to us. Sparkling whites, whites, reds, then dessert wines – blanc du blanc, a dry and a sweet riesling, pinot noir, cabernet sauvignon, the winery’s signature mariage (my favorite and of course the most expensive), port, sherry. They even let us try a bit of mead. It was a wonderful time.
Kristen is tipsy. I am less so, as I am driving (and many pounds heavier). After buying a half-case and carting it to the car, we strategize: I’d planned to bring us to a local cafe for something to eat.
“You know when I drink there’s only one thing on my mind,” Kristen says, sliding her arms under my leather jacket as we stood next to her car.
“Can I mess up your lipstick yet?” I ask, mouth close to hers.
She gives me that shy, sly look. “I’m not sure I want it all over your mouth.”
I clear my throat. “So. Want to go get lost and … park … somewhere?”
“Yes.” She answers before I even finish my sentence.
I open her door, then go around to the driver’s side and start the car.
I don’t want us to be so lost that we (and by we, I mean I) can’t navigate back, but I want off the main roads. I take a few turns, a few long stretches of houses getting farther and farther apart, until there is a small pull-off and I take it, put the car in park, cut the engine, push my seat back, get my cock out.
(There might’ve been some conversation in there too. I’m cutting to the good parts.)
She leans in to kiss me. lets her heels slide off her stockinged feet, and peels her panties down her legs, leaving them on the floor.
“I want to feel that pretty mouth of yours,” I whisper. I grab the back of her head and our lips nearly touch, but not yet, I can feel the lipstick, slick, just barely.
“Not on your mouth,” she says again, shifting a little in her seat to be further on her knees.
Oh my god. Can I even explain how hot she is in moments like this? Eyes all alive and dancing, mouth thick and lips parted just a tad, I want to feel her everywhere. Suddenly this car seems like a bad idea, why didn’t I get a hotel? Or race back to the city to be in my bed with her?
She lowers her mouth onto my cock slow, torturously slow, just her tongue on the tip of it, running along the underside. Kristen is the best I’ve ever seen, paying soft attention to all the sensitive places, taking her time, swallowing it all only after she gets me good and hard, then getting it so slick with spit and sucking in and out with vigor. I’m groaning unselfconsciously, alone and on our own and not afraid to be loud.
I pull her off me when her lipstick is all gone and bring my mouth to hers. Her lips are thick and soft.
“Oh, goddamn,” I gasp, a little breathless. “You are so good at that. So good at sucking my cock, oh my god.”
She kisses me, hard, and pulls back. “I’m not done yet,” she says in that playful whispery girl tone.
I groan. God. Language barely working in my mind. I kiss her again and take the back of her head into my palm, shove her down. “Do it then.”
She moans a little, surprised, gasping, and picks up right where she left off, cock on the back of her tongue, far. I can feel every sweet slick place in her. I work my fingers under the straps of my harness; my clit is as hard as my cock and I roll it gently, savoring, mimicking the way her mouth goes up and down. She makes it all wet and runs her tongue on the shaft, kisses it.
I try not to thrash around in the driver’s seat, but I let myself be loud. No one around except the occasional approach and disappearance of headlights, but surely they can’t see inside, it’s getting darker and the windows are nearly fogged.
I pull her up by her hair and the back of her head again and kiss her, hard. She’s gasping a little, swallowing the saliva in her mouth. “I want you on top of me,” I say, reaching for her.
“Yes yes yes,” she whispers, like a moan. She shifts in her seat and steps across the gear shift to straddle me, short short skirt revealing the curves of her ass, tall socks still held up with the garters.
I hold my cock still as she guides it in, takes the pace and starts rocking her hips nearly right away. Moaning. Hands on the seat next to my shoulders as mine are on her thighs, around her waist, reaching for her ass, spreading her open wider.
She feels so good like this, wrapped around me.
Something she does when she’s on top of me makes me yell with the intensity: a way she moves her hips which feels so deep, so far inside her. I don’t even know how to explain it in writing, it’s so physical, visceral, sometimes blooming and growing in my core and connecting to hers.
I let the waves of it swell and crest and break, rising back in me strong. Hard to move my hips when I’m under her, but it’s easier if I get a grip on her waist, I can get leverage to thrust against. Pressing up into her I lengthen my legs, squeeze my thighs together, feet reaching all the way behind the car’s pedals to the floor, which feels great, adds an extra surface to push against. She curls around me, spine moving in an S shape, mouth open, her hands on my shoulders, then arms around my neck. Gasping and moaning, oh yeah fuck me deep baby, that’s how I like it, you know how to give it to me, god that feels so good …
(Sounds cliche to write it all in a row like that, but oh she says it so sexy.)
I reach for her and kiss her, hard. We’re both breathing hard and the kiss gives us momentary pause to catch our breaths and calm ourselves. I am nearly laughing with the hum of sensation and connection, and she sighs, breathes, gives a low satisfied mmmm, and leans back, awkwardly at first but then she hits the steering wheel and gets some distance between our bodies, still rubbing against my cock, and puts her fingers on her clit.
She’s close, she’s been close for minutes, maybe she’d even already come once or twice, she’s almost always close in that multiply-orgasmic way (if only one could learn how to do that) and as soon as she starts flicking her clit gently I can feel her body shudder, hips twitch and pussy clench down so tight she nearly pushes me out of her.
I loose track easily of how many times she comes. Sometimes I can tell and it’s big and obvious, sometimes it’s small and I don’t even stop, just keep going, and she comes over and over, no way for me to discern a number.
She leans back onto me and works her hips up and down again, for longer this time, and I thrust up into her and push so hard I nearly scream with the pressure and intensity. I want to feel what it’s like to come inside her. I want to feel her tightening around me, really feel it.
After ten, twenty, thirty? minutes like this, after I grip her hips and pump her up and down on my cock, after she comes again, and again, I wrap my arms around her and we quiet. She nestles into my shoulder and neck and hums that low, satisfied hum as she catches her breath. I trail my fingers along her neck and shoulders and back, hold her close.
“We steamed up the windows completely,” Kristen says. “Hey, I bet there are stars out there! We’re in the country!”
“Want to go look?”
“Yeah!” We get out of the car and I cross over to the passenger side. She’s shivering as soon as she exits the warm interior, it’s chilly out here and pitch black, plus her legs are practically bare, just the socks and garters and still no panties. Her skirt has hiked up a little from all of our fucking and my hands go to her ass, peeking out from under the hem, so cute. It’s too cloudy to see stars. I kiss her instead.
“I want to bend you over something and smack your ass a while when we get home,” I say. “Feel your ass as it gets all warm, then hot, and pink …”
“Yes,” she says, curling into me, kissing me again, “can we do that? Please?”
“You’d like that, huh.”
“Yes, yes.”
Somehow, we went from talking about it, to doing it, and she is bent over the hood of the car. “It’s cold,” she complained.
Yeah, shut up and get hit, I mutter. (She didn’t hear me.)
Cars zip by us. It’s dark but we are right in their headlights. I don’t know what they can see, but I stop smacking and just hold her or palm her ass as they go by, then quickly swat her again when they pass. She’s relaxed, she can take a lot; I let my hand come down again and again until her cheeks get warm under my hand and her knees start to shake. The backs of her thighs are cold to the touch, but I don’t want to let up. I dip my hand between her legs to find her wet, open, and slide my fingers in, fuck her right there, in the open, next to her car just off the road as she’s bent over it.
When she comes, again, god does she ever get worn out?, her knees start to buckle and she starts sinking to the ground against the car. I keep my knee up under her thighs and one arm around her stomach as my hand works inside and against her clit, harder, shoving hard into her, against her, until she’s spent and moaning, breathing hard.
It’s cold, we’re both cold by this point, but blissed out, wrapping ourselves into each other and laughing, smiling, playing. We get back into the car, I get out the hummus, wasabi rice crackers, rosemary crackers, delicious buttery brie, and gruyere that I’d brought and we snack, decide to head back into the city and get dinner when we get there. Someone mentioned Thai food earlier at the wine tasting and so I crave going to Song in Brooklyn.
We’re famished, and eat until satisfied, still buzzing from the good wine and seeing stars from the sex. I slide the driver’s seat forward again, put the car in drive, and make my way back to the highway, returning to New York City.
What happened in January
I’m so behind on the roundups. I’ve been less focused on Sugarbutch in January and February because I’ve had some personal things going on, not the least of which is the new relationship with Kristen. Here’s what I wrote about on Sugarbutch in January 2009.
Sex:
- I woke her in the middle of the night
- A Quick Fuck in a Shadowed Corner, fiction, from Kristen’s fantasy
- Rocking Chair Blow Job
- Wait for me on your knees, recount of one of my favorite weekends with Kristen so far
Gender:
- Sexual autonomy & freedom, written for the Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom & Autonomy #15, which I hosted
More stuff:
- The month started out with the poem Gloaming … I haven’t posted poetry here in a while, it felt nice to be writing things like this again.
- Blog for Lesbian Health Day and information about the upcoming Lesbian Health Summit
- Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom & Autonomy #15 was hosted at Sugarbutch in January. Here’s the call for contributions with my original questions about what sexual freedom & autonomy mean.
Reviews:
- The Pleasure’s All Mine, a book by Joan Kelly. (And the author responded to my review!)
- Leather paddle from Spartacus
- Simply Sexy Leather Harness from Spartacus
- Gee Whiz, the Hitachi upgrade
- Pink & White’s Champion DVD
- Butch Jamie DVD
Cock Confidence: Johnny by Vixen Creations (Review)
As of 2/8/16 This product is no longer available at Babeland
In my opinion, the four major things to consider about a cock are: length, girth, shape, and material. Here’s how the Johnny from Babeland measures up.
Length:
Near perfect. Not too long, but long enough.
Girth:
Also near perfect. Thick enough that it makes you stretch a bit, but still narrow enough to get my hand around. Would be a little too wide for blow jobs probably, but I’d like to see her try.
Shape:
Superior. Realistic in it’s slight upcurve and balls, great for g-spot stimulation, nice head.
Material:
Aaaaaand here’s where the trouble comes into paradise. The material is high-quality silicone, sterilizable, which is generally great – the only trouble is that I know something better (Vixskin Vixskin Vixskin) is out there, and I know how much better it feels. This silicone is so hard and solid and doesn’t give at all – it feels so much less lifelike and real, and that matters to me in sex play these days.
So: it’s a great cock, if you like the typical traditional silicone. If you like realistic cocks, skip it and go for Vixskin.
Do you have this cock? What do you think of it?
Review: Jaguar Harness
Everyone rants and raves about the Jaguar harness by Aslan Leather – and I get it, I do: the leather is beautiful, it’s incredibly well-made, it feels like a buttery second skin. It’s snug, it adjusts well and easily, stays in place, it feels pretty good to wear – I could keep going with the general praise. You might just love this harness, many people do.
Personally, though, I just prefer one-strap harnesses, so I’m not crazy about this one.
Here’s the thing: I don’t really like my harness to feel like I’m wearing underwear. Maybe it’s because I came across the Barely There harness when I started packing and it feels practically like wearing nothing (except a cock), but I just don’t like the feel of that much material between me and my cock (and a girl). I start feeling frustrated that I can’t get closer.
Here’s the other thing: I can (sometimes – rarely, it seems, these days) get off myself while strapped on and fucking. But the key to this – for me – is pressure against my clit, and a one-strap harness that runs right between my legs is the way to get it. Even if I don’t come (which seems these days I don’t, but that’s another post) I still love the sensation, the pressure and stimulation right at the right spot. Two-strap harnesses don’t do this for me, so I feel all the more disconnected from the fuck.
I adore Aslan Leather in general and I recommend this harness often to folks who ask for help picking one out. It is gorgeous, so well-crafted. If only Aslan made a one-strap version (with thinner straps!) I’d snatch it up quicker than you could say “Jameson rocks.”
Do you have this harness? What do you think?
Two Lezzys!? Really!?
It was all the promised photos of my ass that did it, wasn’t it? I knew it! You all are perverts.
Seriously though, tons of thanks to Kelly at The Lesbian Lifestyle for organizing the Lezzy Awards, to all the finalists, with special shout-outs to Jess I Am and I Am Not Afraid of Winter in the Best Gender Bender Blog category and Geek Porn Girl and Tongue-tied blue for Best Sex/Short Story/Erotica Blog. Tongue-tied Blue and Jess I’ve known for a while, but Geek Porn Girl and Carrot Quinn are new to me, I’ve already got ’em on my reader and I look forward to watching their stories unfold. I’m also a big fan of Weese in the Over-50 category, so, shout-out to her, too.
And congrats to Grace the Spot for taking Dorothy Surrenders in the Humor category – squeaking ahead with 48 votes! (Dorothy got two other awards and was clearly a shoe-in for Entertainment/Culture, I wanted to see Grace with ONE at least!)
Winners were:
Best Lesbian Entertainment/Culture Blog
Dorothy Surrenders
Best Lesbian Humor Blog
Grace the Spot
Best Lesbian Parenting/Wedding Blog
Lesbian Dad
Best Lesbian Personal Blog
This Girl Called Automatic Win
Best Lesbian 50 and Over Blog
just eat your cupcake
Best Lesbian Gender Bender Blog
Sugarbutch Chronicles
Best Lesbian Sex/Short Story/Erotica Blog
Sugarbutch Chronicles
Lesbian Overall Blog of the Year
Dorothy Surrenders
It is now your duty to add us ALL to your blogrolls and/or your readers, because these are some of the best dykey-homo-lezbiotic writings on all of the internet.
Important Calls for Support: Home Alive & Scarleteen
Two great organizations are in need of support.
I know there are dozens – hundreds – more organizations that also need support, but these two in particular are very dear and important to my heart, they’re community organizations that have provided so much help and support and information to underserved, underrepresented groups.
SAVE HOME ALIVE is a grassroots effort to save a grassroots organization, Home Alive, out of Seattle. They offer self-defense classes to anyone, regardless of their ability to pay, in response to issues of violence and safety in communities. They are particularly aware of those marginalized groups who tend to be more often the victims of street violence, and actively work to call attention to homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism, racism, sexism, ableism, and classism. I’d love to see Home Alive classes in cities all over the country. Home Alive needs $25,000 to keep its doors open.
Scarleteen, which I’ve linked to here often and hopefully you already know about, is a sex education and resource center aimed at teens (though I go there – and refer friends there – all the time there to find information on STIs and sexual health). They have some exciting news – they’re now part of the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco! And rom February 14th through March 15th, one of their regular donors has agreed match the donations they receive up to $350 per donor, and/or up to $3,000 total. Just ten bucks helps, people! Do what you can, please.
If you don’t have money, you can help in other ways: steal these banners and reprint them on your own websites. Write a post about it. Send an email to all your friends (especially those with money). I’m taking out a blogads ad, and if you’ve got blogads on your site and want to donate to the cause by sending me your free ad code, I’d love to put the banner on your site.
More information on both of these amazing organizations follows.
Home Alive’s Mission:
Home Alive considers all forms of oppression as acts of violence against individuals.Through our self-defense classes, we call attention to homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism, racism, sexism, ableism, and classism. We challenge participants to defend themselves and our communities from these forms of institutional oppression.
By standing up against these types of violence-both individually and collectively we an create social change. Home Alive believes that safety is a basic human right. Every member of our community has the right to a life free from violence and hate. We know that, working together, we can create safe families, safe relationships and safe communities.
About Save Home Alive:
Hi there. My name is Jen and I’ve lived in Seattle since 2000. A few weeks ago I found my way to a class at Home Alive and honestly, it changed my life. Read my story here. When I heard this organization was closing their doors I decided to do whatever I could to help. This is my grassroots effort to help save an amazing grassroots org.
“You are worth defending. I am worth defending. In my heels and in my running shoes, in my skirt and cleavage and in my drag king drag. We are all always worth defending.” (Home Alive)
Home alive is worth defending! This is a call for help.
Home Alive, the self-defense organization started by friends outraged at the rape and murder of Mia Zapata, has been deeply rooted in the Seattle community for the last 16 years. They offer sliding scale self defense and boundary setting classes to anyone that wants to learn, regardless of whether or not they can pay. Because of this the organization is dependent on community donations. Read more about the organization here.
Right now, Home Alive is 25k in debt and being forced to close their doors. Realistically they need more than that to recover and rebuild but this website’s goal is to get them back to zero, at least.
Sooooooooo, I’m calling on 25 thousand people to give $1 dollar or for 5,000 folks to give $5 or for 2,083.333 folks to give $12 or for 862 people to give $29… or any creative combination of this really.
C’mon people. Don’t you want to help Save Home Alive?
Double Dollar Valentines for Scarleteen!
From February 14th through March 15th, one of our regular donors has agreed match the donations we receive up to $350 per donor, and/or up to $3,000 total.
This is a great opportunity to amplify your support! You can play a part in sustaining Scarleteen and all of the young adults who need and are helped with our unique brand of inclusive, progressive, holistic and accurate sexuality education. As we finish one decade of delivering the goods we so strongly feel have nurtured and continue to nurture the development of a healthy, happy sexuality for young people, I’m asking for your help as we enter another.
Scarleteen is now affiliated with the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco. The CSC was founded and is directed by Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Robert Lawrence. Their mission is to provide judgment-free education, cultural events, a library/media archive, and other resources to audiences across the sexual and gender spectrum; and to research and disseminate factual information, framing and informing issues of public policy and public health. We’re thrilled to be the first young adult sex education project they have worked with and are very glad for this partnership. Robert and Carol, as well as other members of the CSC, have been incredibly supportive of Scarleteen and sex education as a whole over the years.
If you haven’t kept up, here are a few pieces we added to the site in 2008 and 2009 to give you an idea of what we’ve been up to:
– Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer
– How You Guys — that’s right, you GUYS — Can Prevent Rape
– Birth Control Bingo
– Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown
– Give’em Some Lip: Labia That Clearly Ain’t Minor
– Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
– I, Being Born Woman and Suppressed
– Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
– Let’s Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry
We have also had a handful of great first-person pieces added from users or volunteers in our In Your Own Words section. Our voting guide last year helped many users of voting age to find clear, balanced information about the Presidential candidates to best inform (and motivate!) their vote. Our archive of direct, in-depth advice to users who write in with questions is extensive. Lastly, our message boards, which we rolled out in the year 2000, continue to be busy, actively moderated and a place of bustling, supportive conversation (as well as a way to help users manage crises quickly) at a level many teens do not have other opportunities to engage in when it comes to such loaded subjects.
– We rank in the upper 25,000 of all sites online internationally
– We consistently rank in the top 11,000 – 12,000 of all sites in the United States
– 65 million page loads have occurred at the site from users since 2006
– We now have over 40,000 active message board users
Support Scarleteen now! Visit www.scarleteen.com or take a look at more information (and the rest of this letter that I’ve reprinted excerpts from here) at Double Dollar Valentines for Scarleteen.
Review: Bow Restraints
As of 2/8/16 This product is no longer available at Babeland
“I feel like a present,” Kristen said, and whispered, “I kind of like being objectified.”
I like the bow restraints. They came to me from one of my very favorite fabulous sex toy stores. The bow itself, and that it is locked with a key – very hot. Unfortunately, they’re not so easy to get on and off, and they were a bit uncomfortable to wear, too.
First: the bow. When I saw these I thought, okay, that’s either going to be a HOT femmey accessory, or it’s going to look stupid. And we all know I’ve got a bit of a fetish for ribbons and ties, right? I don’t know what it is exactly, but something about bondage and femininity together. And the bow works. I like the look of it.
It’s more like an accessory. I kind of want to throw a bondage party and ask her to wear it all night, not sure she would, but it would be hot to watch her struggle to eat, drink, host.
The lock: also cute. Heart shaped and little, comes with two keys. Clicks open easily.
The trouble comes into paradise here when putting all these things together – the loop that holds her hands, the bow part (which is purely decoration), with the lock holding them both together. That’s three layers of material, and the lock, though very small, doesn’t slip in very easily. This isn’t much of a problem at first – “okay, I’ll just be patient, work it in,” I am thinking. [Do I have to say it? ‘A boy’s gotta know how to be patient and work it in.’ Yeah, I know, I couldn’t restrain myself.] That worked fine, but later, in any moment of panic, they couldn’t be removed very quickly, which could make things much worse and could even be a bit dangerous.
Maybe I just need to break ’em in a bit more. Maybe there are ways to pull them less tight, so the lock is easier to manouver. I don’t want to give up on these bow restraints just yet – but I know I probably wouldn’t just impromptu grab them from the toybox without preparing to use them, making sure I had the keys handy. Especially when I could use my bondage belt in two seconds, and I know exactly how easy and uncomplicated it is to put on and take off.

All Five Senses (Part 1)
Did you forget about the Sugarbutch Star Contest? I didn’t – not that you could tell, since the last story was in October. I’ve been working on this one since I finished Maze. Here’s part one – part two will come later this week.
Sugarbutch Star: Matt
ALL FIVE SENSES
It started in the Brooklyn library, the back row, the classics section; the air so thick with ink and brittle paper and crumbling paste. I pick up a worn leather copy of Antigone, its cover so oiled down with decades of fingers and hands opening, turning its pages, breaking its spine. So soft it feels like suede.
I sit on the industrial carpet and flip it open, easily absorbed: Nothing painful is there, nothing fraught with ruin, no shame, no dishonor, that I have not seen in thy woes and mine.
When I look up, a few minutes later, there she is: sitting on the floor in a row I can hardly see, at first she is only visible by her bare legs on the dirty carpet, seated like I am on the floor, knees all bent, one tucked under her gray skirt which is a small mess of cover for her thighs. I slowly shift my body further into the aisle. Her back is to me, and she holds up a mirror in front of her – I catch glimpses of her face reflected. The dark nerdy frames of her glasses, the line of her jaw, her chin, then her mouth.
She takes out a tube of lipstick, twirls it erect, and paints the perfect outline of her lips. Slow, real slow. She presses them together and presses them forward in a kiss, makes an O with her mouth and touches just the tip of her finger to the edge.
I hold my breath.
I find my hand brought up to my face without really noticing. Pads of my fingers against the butch stubble on my chin, I didn’t shave this morning, I didn’t think I’d need to, and now the tiny hairs are strong as teeth and my fingertips are burned with the day-old five o’clock shadow. I watch the soft smooth pillow of her lips over her shoulder in the mirror. I imagine smearing that lipstick across her cheek with my thumb, hard enough that the trail of red would feel like it was made without paint.
Carpeting scratching at the palms of my hand, I’m leaning so far forward that if I was in a movie, this is the moment I would knock over a pile of books and she’d look up at the crash. Instead, I feel a tickle in my nose and the ink and paper and dust smell is suddenly amplified. I scurry back to my small stack of collected books and satchel, but I don’t get to my handkerchief in time, and I let out a strong sudden sneeze.
“Bless you,” I hear, softly, from across the aisle. I can hear each letter in her words. I imagine the way her red mouth looks forming the shapes of the sounds.
I swallow, blow my nose gently, mumble, “Thanks.” I don’t look back over to her, but go back to the library stacks, sifting through the Dewey decimal numbers on the spines, fingering the worn covers, the different textures, letting my fingers stroke the books as I take a few steps and follow the books around the corner.
Soon I’m in the next aisle from her. I can see right through it and I try to justify that I’m here looking for books, classics, something to support a recent article’s thesis that there were some butch/femme roles for women in ancient Greece and Rome. The library is so quiet, I can hear when she shifts on the floor, still reading, now with her back to the stacks of books and both feet on the floor, knees bent and separated, short skirt sliding up her thighs.
I’m going to get caught, I know it.
But it is as if hands are pressing on my shoulders and I sink lower, eyes wide, praying my knees won’t creak or pop as I crouch, strain my eyes to get a look at her thighs. I quickly grab a big picture book out of the stack to flip through, to cover up my voyeurism.
She’s pinching her dark brown hair that is falling over her shoulder between thumb and forefinger, swirling her fingers around it, twisting. I see her eyes darting across the page of the book she’s holding in her other hand, the cover against her thighs. I can’t tell what the book is, but it looks modern, it does not live in the dust of the classics section, it is paperback and skinny.
She glances to where I just was and sees my small stack of books, but she lost track of me. Her eyebrows curl for just a moment, and she glances around the other direction but there’s no one there either. We’re alone – she thinks she’s alone. I hold my breath and try not to move. I know it’s voyeristic of me, but she is in public. She must know someone could possibly see her. That must be part of the thrill.
She shifts, knees together, pulls her feet closer to her body, and I catch the sight of her simple white cotton panties between her legs, thin, so thin I can nearly see through them. She pushes her skirt up her thighs just a bit farther and slides her hand into them. The fabric strains.
Her fingers move slowly and she keeps her eyes on the pages of the book. Clearly a good one, I wonder what she’s reading, if its contents are queer or kinky, if she’s thinking about the taste of sweat and salty skin, the sounds of moans that emerge out of places where bodies collide, the sight of a fist disappearing at the wrist, the sting of an open-palm smack on the ass or cheek or cunt, the scent of desire, like musk, like the ocean, like a fertile ground.
Her fingers move faster. Hair falls into her eyes and her jaw drops open just a little. (Really, this is really happening?) Her lips pinken, eyelids flutter as her eyes dart across the page. Her strong thighs are quivering a little and I can see if I fucked her she’d want them pressed together, bent deep at the hips. It’s the way her knees want to close but her hand is in the way.
My hand goes to my zipper. (Should I?) Hard packing today, as I often do on weekends, just for me, to feel the weight and bulk between my legs, the strain of the seam of my jeans. No one has to know, no one usually does; just a private, personal experience between me and my cock. I run my finger down the shaft of it, through my jeans, remember its girth as I watch her bite her lip, hand still moving slow and vigorous between her legs. I thumb the head, the little ridge, catch it in the instep of my hand between thumb and forefinger. I get enough of a grip to press it back into my clit and start pulsing against it.
I feel a stab of guilt and fight the impulse to unbuckle, unzip. Nearly unbearable. I can barely breathe.
She’s getting lost in the sensations, spreading from her pelvis to her thighs and belly and down and up. Her breathing is getting faster, hand is faster between her legs, fingers working her clit, I can see through the thin white cotton through the stacks of books. She leans her head back and closes her eyes entirely, lets the book start to slip from her lap as her thighs squeeze and close and she presses her hips forward. I have a perfect visualization of how her back would arch if she was on her stomach on my bed, ass in the air, thighs and knees strong together, my own hand buried in her cunt.
I stroke my own cock harder and feel my breath quicken to match hers. She’s gasping as she breathes in, I can hear her. I watch her hips buck, face flushing, as she comes in a quiet flourish, calm and sudden, eyes closed, head bent back. She brings her fingers to her lips and sucks, then opens her eyes, looking straight forward for the first time, right at me.
Panic. Does she see me? She glances right back down to her book as her eyelids flutter and adjusts her skirt and glasses, gives herself a minute to catch her breath, picks up her book and purse, and, slightly wobbly on her feet, leaves the classics section.
I let out a breath, lean back against the stacks, take my hand out of my pants, zip up, and head toward the checkout.
It’s nearly dark outside by the time I gather all my things and make it through the line. I finger the spines of the books and flip my wallet in the palm of my hand, remembering my cock just minutes before, thinking of this girl and her strong legs, swift fingers.
That should’ve been the end of that.
But ten minutes later, picking up take-out extra-hot red curry at my favorite thai place, I hear behind me: “Well, well.”
… continue reading Part Two of All Five Senses.
Gendered Sources of Physical Power: Beauty vs Strength
I don’t know exactly where I first heard it, but somewhere I read once: men want to feel powerful, and women want to feel beautiful.
Now: calm your “oh my god social construction of genderrrrr!” self and let’s start with some further clarification. Women feeling beautiful, in this expression, is also actually a source of power; and men feeling powerful, here, actually means “feeling physically strong.” At least mostly. Agreed?
So really, it’s saying that men want to feel strong, and women want to feel beautiful. These are two – of many – major sources of power based in the physical body.
I know this is a cliche. I probably read it in the context of gender deconstruction and the socialization process of gender. I know this goes along with conventional, normative, often damaging gender role assumptions that value men for their physical strength and women for their physical beauty.
And as much as I am aware that those concepts are socially constructed, I also have seen the ways that they are played out and real for many, many people. So maybe we’ve internalized the values of the culture. This is one of the problems with social constructionism in general – if something is created socially, then in theory it can be uncreated socially, right? But just because something is done socially – rather than biologically, say – doesn’t make it any less real or “authentic” or deeply ingrained in many of us.
And this gendered source of physical power is amplified, I think, in butch/femme culture, where we go inside these roles with purpose to explode them, exploring the socialization and de-essentializing traits said to be inherent in biology. Is it as easy as explaining that we are continuing to internalize the compulsory mutually exclusive gender paradigm? I don’t know, maybe. Certainly that probably accounts for (to pick a completely arbitrary number) 45% of it. But there is something else in there, something deep-seated underneath in me that swoons and grows and stretches its wings and feels so greatly alive when she whispers, “you are so strong, so strong” like she did last night.
And I remembered all the times I gazed in awe at her beauty (every time I see her) and remember the ways she swoons to be seen, femme and whole and holy, and I wondered if I should be saying more about strength and less about her physical attractiveness. Am I just buying into what the culture tells us we should be or say or value?
[ Yet – oh I do tell her I value her other qualities (don’t I? Yes). The depth of her calm understanding and respect feels like such a gift each time I encounter it. I fear it could so easily go the other way, yet she has the connection to the world at her core which means she values others’ experiences. And she’s strong enough in herself to know that my feelings are not about her, and to accept that with grace and clarity. And then there’s her wonderful good moods, her energy, her interest in keeping the spark lit behind her eyes. Her deep ability to feel, to observe, to respond. Her analytic skills, and how she can dissect things into pieces (while still respecting the whole!) and look at how it all fits together. There is much more to her than her beauty, heaven knows I know this. ]And yet: in the deeply intimate moments, this is what comes out of my mouth: pretty girl, pretty girl. you are so gorgeous. I love the curves of you – here, and here. your skin glows so beautiful in the morning light.
And in that moment last night, when she commented on my strength, my heart swelled and burst like a wave cresting, and the inner cavern of my chest was smooth as a sandy beach, just for a minute, perfectly even, soft, made up of a thousand tiny grains, the breakdown of everywhere I’ve ever been.
I don’t know why it matters so much that I am seen as strong. But it does, it does.
Where to Find Me
I’ve got a lot of performances coming up in the next few months in New York City. If you’d like to say hi, please do! I’ll have my spoken word CD and copies of the Sugarbutch Star Chapbook, if you’ve wanted to get your hands on those.
Tomorrow! Thursday, February 12th, 9:30pm
AuralFixia: An erotic blend of spoken word, porn, and burlesque
Performances by: N * JZ Bich * Bunny Nose Best * Ami Uzi * Sinclair Sexsmith * Tess, Urban Gypsy * Audacia Ray
WOW Cafe, 59-61 e. 4th street, 4th floor*
Tuesday February 24th 7PM – 9PM
$5 suggested donation
Open mike – sign-up at 7 pm – 8 minute limit
Hosted by Vittoria repetto
Bluestockings Bookstore
172 Allen St. (between Staton & Rivington) NYC
212-777-6028 info@bluestockings.com
www.bluestockings.com*
UPDATE: Unfortunately, I won’t be at Gayety this weekend – it’ll still be a great show, I’m sure!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Gayety! A Queer Comedy Cabaret!
gayety.wordpress.com
9:30 PM
Re/Dress: 109 Boerum Place, Brooklyn, NY
with Femmecee Bevin Branlandingham, Kelli Dunham & Sinclair Sexsmith, and other Gayety Guests
February’s theme: Halfway to Michfest! Love it or hate it, Fest is part of dyke culture and we’ve all got something to say about it!
Gayety Queer Comedy Cabaret has its triumphant return the last Saturday of each month. Accessible, interesting, and compelling comedy is just what the doctor ordered!*
Saturday, March 28th
Gayety! A Queer Comedy Cabaret!
gayety.wordpress.com
9:30 PM
Re/Dress: 109 Boerum Place
Theme: Sailor’s Delight*
Thursday, April 16th
In the Flesh Erotica Reading Series
Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome Street, New York,NY
8:00 PM
Virgin (new) authors and first-time readers grace the In The Flesh stage. With Jenny Block (Open), Sarah Wendell (Beyond Heaving Bosoms, Smart Bitches Trashy Books blog), Sinclair Sexmith (Sugarbutch), Gideon Levy (Kinky Jews). Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Free candy and cupcakes will be served
inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com*
Saturday, April 25th
Gayety! A Queer Comedy Cabaret!
gayety.wordpress.com
9:30 PM
Re/Dress: 109 Boerum Place, Brooklyn, NY
Theme: Formal Gayety!*
Wednesday, April 29th
Visible: A Femmethology book release party
www.femmethology.com
7pm
Bluestockings Bookstore 172 Allen St.(between Staton & Rivington) NYC
212-777-6028 info@bluestockings.com
www.bluestockings.com
Lezzy Award Finalists!
Sugarbutch Chronicles is a finalist in the 2009 Lezzy Awards, for the categories of Best Gender Bender blog and Best Sex/Short Story/Erotica blog!
Voting: begins TODAY, Wednesday February 11th 9:00 am EDT through February 18th at 11:00 pm EDT
Winners Announced: On Monday February the 23rd at 9:00 am
The Top 3 Nominees, with my picks in bold:
Best Lesbian Culture/Entertainment Blog:
1. Queerky
2. Dorothy Surrenders
3. Grace the SpotBest Lesbian Humor Blog
1. Dorothy Surrenders
2. Grace the Spot
3. Your Daily Lesbian Moment
Best Lesbian Parenting/Wedding Blog
1. Up Popped a Fox
2. Lesbian Dad
3. Irreverent Mother
Best Lesbian Feminism/Political Blog
1. Be Yr Own Queero
2. Pam’s House Blend
3. AngryBlackBitch
Best Lesbian Personal Blog
1. Peaches & Coconuts
2. A Brown Girl Gone Gay
3. This Girl Called Automatic Win
Best Lesbian 50 and over Blog
1. CO-GrumpyGranny
2. Weese
3. Just Eat Your Cupcake
Best Gender Bender Blog
1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
2. Jess I Am
3. I Am Not Afraid of Winter
Best Lesbian Sex/Short Story/Erotica Blog
1. Geek Porn Girl
2. Tongue-tied blue
3. Sugarbutch Chronicles
Best Overall Lesbian Blog of the Year
1. Dorothy Surrenders
2. Grace the Spot
3. Up Popped a Fox
Hmmmm, what can I promise you to entice me to voting for me? Photos of my ass?
Nominations for the Lezzy Awards
The Lesbian Lifestyle, a collaborative blog that I (let’s be honest, rarely) contribute to, holds a yearly contest awarding lesbian blogs. The past few years, they’ve had one singular award, the Lesbian Blog of the Year, but this year it is expanded to The Lezzys and includes multiple categories.
Nominations for the Lezzys ends tonight, Monday February 9th, and 11pm EDT. Top three in each category will then go on to be finalists, and voting for that begins on Wednesday, February 11th.
Did you catch that today is your last day to vote? Here’s some of my favorites in each of the categories.
Best Lesbian Culture/Entertainment Blog
Blogs that focus on lesbian culture and the entertainment world
Dorothy Surrenders – I mean, is there any other choice, really?
After Ellen & Our Chart – both kind of large pop-culture blogs, but I don’t know about a lot of little ones.
Best Lesbian Humor Blog
Blogs that take a humorous spin on lesbian life
Best Lesbian Parenting/Wedding Blog
Blogs about lesbian parenting or lesbian weddings or engagements
Lesbian Dad is actually the only one I read. Any other suggestions for me?
Best Lesbian Feminism/Political Blog
Blogs that tackle feminist and political topics
Oh man. I’m completely drawing a blank here. I’m looking over my blogroll and RSS feeds and everything I’m coming up with are political gender blogs, and I know that’s not quite what they mean with this category.
Best Lesbian Personal Blog
Blogs written like a journal about an individuals life experiences
Oh, this is a hard one to narrow down. I listed many of my personal favorites when I asked for that call for contributions to the Feminist Carnival recently, so there’s a good list. Also check out Community for a big ol’ list of many things I read.
Some of my favorites, that I would make sure to seek out:
Just Like Jesse James
Green-Eyed Girl
Don’t Let’s Talk
Jess I Am
Tina-cious
Femme FATale
Best Lesbian 50 and over Blog
Blogs written by lesbian women over 50 in all categories
Kate Bornstein’s blog for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws – is actually the only one I read regularly
Got any other recommendations?
Best Gender Bender Blog
Blogs that discuss gender topics and challenge gender as a whole
Let’s not forget that gender challenges & topics are also femme, right, and not just butch, mmkay?
There are many, many, many blogs I love and read daily that fit into this category.
Freedomgirl
Leo McCool
Packing Vocals
Femme is my Gender
Essin’ Em
The Femme Show
Best Lesbian Sex/Short Story/Erotica Blog
Lesbian blogs that talk about sex or publish any form of erotica
Tongue-Tied Blue and her fabulous enjambment
Packing Vocals & her other project, Butch/femme BDSM (which isn’t updated very often)
I really liked the smut of Fatgirl Femme, but she’s not really writing or updating much anymore.
Best Overall Lesbian Blog of the Year
The best of the best in lesbian blogging spanning all genres
I’m going to keep my answer to this one quiet. Plus, I think I’ve voted for a different one each time I voted this past week. There are some great active lesbian blogs out there!
Who’d I miss? Who are you voting for?
Halfway through the nomination process, the top three were announced in each category and, as I’m sure you can guess, Sugarbutch Chronicles is listed in both Best Gender Bender Blog and Best Lesbian Sex/Erotica Blog. If you’d be so kind, please do nominate me in one or either or both of those categories. Thank you!
Define: The Do-Be-Do-Be-Do Complex
I’m going to go ahead & swipe this phrase from a friend of mine, who I’ve heard use it a few times (though whom I haven’t heard if it’s okay to make reference to, so I’ll just thank him anonymously for now).
The Do-Be-Do-Be-Do Complex referrs to getting involved in relationships where (especially in retrospect) you were drawn to the person because you wanted to be like them, not necessarily do them.
For example, as a baby butch, I dated a butch for a while, and I think it was more about my own fascination with butchness than it was my own orientation toward wanting to partner with and/or date and/or sleep with butches.
The Do-Be-Do-Be-Do Complex is, I think, especially applicable to butches and femmes, though I’m sure it extends to other identities.
Is this a useful phrase? Have you gone through phases of dating the folks you wanted to be instead of who you were, perhaps, ultimately attracted to?
Courage Campaign’s “Don’t Divorce!”
“Fidelity”: Don’t Divorce… from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.
Have you heard that Ken Starr — and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund — filed legal briefs defending the constitutionality of Prop 8 and attempting to forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year? The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case on March 5, 2009, with a decision expected within the next 90 days.
The Courage Campaign has created a video called “Fidelity,” with the permission of musician Regina Spektor, that puts a face to those 18,000 couples and all loving, committed couples seeking full equality under the law.
After you watch the video, please consider joining me in signing the letter to the state Supreme Court and passing this video on to your friends. The more people who see this video, the more people will understand the pain caused by Prop 8 and Ken Starr’s shameful legal proceeding.
Sugasm #158: drinking in the sensation
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants.
This Week’s Picks
- Sealing the Deal: “A hand reached down and grabbed my chin firmly, pulling it up to get a look at my face.”
- Wait for me on your knees. “She’s not scared or wincing but open and accepting, drinking in the sensation.”
- What DO Women Want? “This cultural context also means that what research describes might not be how things actually are, but how the current culture is shaping them to be.”
- Sugasm Editor Sex Work And Honesty: Political Opinions
- Editor’s Choice Like Rube Goldberg
More Sugasm | Join the Sugasm | See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
More of my favorites:
Best Sex Toy Reviewers of 2008
The Best Sex Toy Reviewers list was published today, and on it, at #7, with a bullet, is yours truly. Thanks y’all! I’m glad the reviews that I do are useful for you.
So … now that I’m writing about sex toy reviews, I have a few things to say before getting on to the list. Our sexblog communities are currently flooded with sex toys. Go figure, sex toy shops have figured out that it is quite profitable for them to give us not-so-expensive products, which in turn gives them sales. Sex bloggers are happy – free sex toys! – and sex toy stores are happy – more sales!
Okay, but what about the readers?
I’m sure some reviews and recommendations are very helpful – especially when you’re not so used to shopping for sex toys, have no idea what’s out there or where to start. Great! Happy to help, happy to provide some information and ideas about certain products and how they worked for me.
I have a couple complaints about this, though:
- Some blogs seem to be taken over by reviews, and the reflective, personal writings are becoming background content.
- Some bloggers never write bad reviews. This kind of makes sense, since for the most part, the toy comes by request of the blogger, and we’re not really about to request things that we dislike. But how can I trust the good reviews, if there aren’t any bad ones?
- Some sex toy sites are sketchy, and bad business. I cringe at their awful objectification of women and hetero-centric gaze. I wouldn’t want to support them with my money, and I do sometimes feel judgmental about supporting them with links and promotions.
I did a lot of reviews in 2008 – thanks to my lovely assistant Alisha, I’m working on a round-up of reviews from the last year, especially focusing on which toys I still use (and which are just sitting in a box). I admit, I was wowed by the options of getting sex toys in the mail (yay!) in exchange for my opinions on them. I reviewed for Eden, Babeland, Spartacus Leathers, and even got a harness from Good Vibes. And I was asked by at least a dozen other companies to review things for them, but I usually felt too strange and uncomfortable about their politics for me to follow through.
For me, it comes down to this: our sexblogs are profitable promotional tools for sex toy sites & companies. I want to be intentional and consciencious about the politics and policies I’m supporting. Toys with phthalates cause cancer and are a problem. Lack of gender and queer diversity and knowledge is a problem. A non-feminist approach to sex, sexuality, and sexual health is a problem.
I have been limiting myself to one review a week (max!), and I’m going to continue to say no to a lot of the review requests that come through. I will absolutely accept review requests for gender-bending products, for cocks and harnesses, for BDSM toys, and for occasional other fun stuff that I’ve been curious to try out, but I’m saying no a lot more than I was last year. I don’t want toy reviews to overwhelm the content of this site.
If you’ve got opinions on the ways that I review things, now’s a great time to speak up!
- Any toys you would love to see me review?
- Any specific questions about toys that I’ve reviewed, sex toys in general, how to use a harness, which cocks to start with, etc etc? Ask away, I’ll see what I can do to answer!
- Any ideas about how I can make reviews more useful?
And now, without further ado: the Best Sex Toy Reviewers of 2008.
Congrats, Essin’ Em, for the #1 slot! You definitely deserve it.
Best Sex Toy Reviewers is a new annual list compiled by Domina Doll and Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek. Only reviewers who reviewed during the year of 2008 were considered, there will be a list for 2009 next year.
- Essin’ Em
- Domina Doll
- Beautiful Dreamer
- Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
- Epiphora
- Gabe and Elizabeth
- Sinclair Sexsmith
- Catalina Loves
- Agent Ansley
- Betty Rocket
- Carnivalesq
- J.D. Bauchery
- Toygirl
- Thursday’s Child
- Dame Demi
- Shay
- Shasta Gibson
- AlwaysArousedGirl
- Freddy and Eddy
- Dangerous Lilly
- Jack
- Erin Leone
- Sleeping Dreamer
- Ellie Lumpesse
- Wendy Blackheart
- Ducky Doolittle
- Curvaceous Dee
- The Porn Librarian
- Lux Alptraum
- Kyle
- Naughty Secretary
- Monkey
- Nadia West
- Alpine Subdreams
- Bulma
- Radical Vixen
- The Beautiful Kind
- Toys for Tarts
- Sienna
- Audacia Ray
- Mariella
- Ang
- Lucy Vonne
- Holden
- Coy Pink
- Backseat Boohoo
- Bad Bad Girl
- Jimbo Jones
- Tess
- BOX: Les Petites Morts
- Zephyrine
- N
- Phaedra Fallen
- Jiz Lee
- Alisa
- Syntax
- Panthera Pardus
- Red
- Sommer Marsden
- Mollena
- The Countess
- Adriana
- Madeline Glass
- Hussy Red
- Trouble
- Roxy
- Sexorcism
- Roxanne Rhoads
- Amber
- Roxi
- Kinkerbelle
- Sylvanus and Mina
- Dark Lady
- Sex Is Fun
- Adrie Santos
The Lezzys are here!
Nomination for the Lezzy Awards are now open!
During the month of February The Lesbian Lifestyle is happy to host The Lezzys, the webs only all lesbian blog awards! We would like to take this time to welcome new readers to The Lesbian Lifestyle and thank those that have been with us since 2004. TLL is a blog comprised of over 250 lesbian authors that post their stories and tackle monthly topics. The Lezzys are a great way to highlight the best of the best in lesbian authored blogging. For more details on the awards please click here.
2009 Lezzys Time Line
Nominations: Monday February 2nd from 9:00 am EDT through 11:00 pm EDT on the 9th
Voting: Wednesday February 11th 9:00 am EDT through 11:00 pm EDT through the 18th
Winners Announced: Monday February the 23rd at 9:00 amThe categories
Best Lesbian Culture/Entertainment Blog
Best Lesbian Humor Blog
Best Lesbian Parenting/Wedding Blog
Best Lesbian Feminism/Political Blog
Best Lesbian Personal Blog
Best Lesbian 50 and over Blog
Best Gender Bender Blog
Best Lesbian Sex/Short Story/Erotica Blog
Best Overall Lesbian Blog of the YearNominations are now open! Click here.
A confirmation email will be sent to the email address you provided within the nominations and voting form. Please make sure to click the link in the confirmation email to make sure your nominations and votes count. If you do not receive a confirmation email please check your email filters and spam folder. The email will be sent from awards @ thelesbianlifestyle.com














