On Butches: Coming Inside

The truth is, it feels embarrassing, really, to come while strapped on and fucking. The amount I have to let go and risk is sometimes too much for my heart to open up.

It isn’t fair to say that she doesn’t have to do the same amount of risk and letting go when I throw her down onto the bed, shove my hand between her legs, push my fingers inside until she’s screaming and thrashing under my forearm holding her down.

But it’s different, isn’t it?

Let’s not say one is harder than the other, it isn’t about hierarchy: only that one is not the same as the other. But, why? Maybe because that’s the way her body is “supposed” to work, biologically it is built to take inside, to be invaded, to tilt the bowl of her pelvis up and open the hinge of her hips back.

I don’t like making generalized statements like that: “women are made to x because biologically, bodies are built like y,” there is so much unfinished in that statement, and there is some sort of deeper, inner sense of gender and self that is discounted because of our binary system of classification under biology.

But there is something, something about the ways that entering inside, being permitted to come inside, being permitted to invade, to be permitted to take and thrust and enter, is not what my body is made to do, so I am on shaky ground, out of synch with what my cells know. There is something so vulnerable about having sex organs (like a silicone cock) outside the body, something so exposing about the ways I get … hungry, desperate for a safe haven, so dependent upon another for fulfillment and satisfaction.

And there is the moment of orgasm: shuddering and losing control momentarily and I don’t even know if my eyes are rolling back and my mouth is lolling open, such a moment of unconsciousness when I usually have such precise purpose when I am on top, fucking her, sliding in and out, rocking against her. I know exactly how this feels and exactly where to put my hands and such confidence in the ways that I am moving. But in that moment I lose that and all I can think of are those guys, those stupid guys in every bad movie where they are completely lost in their own world and the girl is looking up at them with a face like, really? Really. You’re just going to keep going and you can’t even tell that I’m totally disconnected, and that might be my worst fear, that I am alone in those moments of pleasure, so wrapped up in how my dick feels in her pussy that I don’t even know the ways she is not enjoying this.

And then I am spent and small and soft and dribbling and drained.

I know there’s more to it than that. I know.

But there’s a tiny aspect of it that infiltrates my mind when I find myself close, when I feel my cock tighten and balls lift, muscles pinching. I can’t do that, I can’t let go.

Maybe that’s why it has been nearly impossible to come while strapped on with anyone since Callie. It happens, sure, but it is inconsistent and unpredictable, which makes it all the more embarrassing and exposing. Maybe I haven’t trusted enough. Maybe it’s all mental. Maybe I am still terrified to expose myself, now that I see how easily I have lost myself in the recent past. On the inside of every cell wall in me has YOU CAN’T HAVE ME written a hundred times in tiny print. But maybe I need to go in there with a delicate eraser and figure out what pen it was I used, and write something else. Or maybe I need to leave the walls blank and clear so I can see right through them.

Because when I come inside her, and then come back to myself, and to her, like I did on Sunday morning, nearly falling off of the bed, sheets and blankets completely askew, light coming in the slatted blinds behind us, and she looks at me with those blue blue eyes with so much clarity and witness, so much reverence and strength, though there is a part of me that panics, there is also a part of me that has come home.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

23 thoughts on “On Butches: Coming Inside”

  1. Femme and a bottom over here. Never be embarrassed and think were not connected in that moment easier said then done i'm sure, but trust me we see it as the highest compliment.

  2. Oh I wish I could describe what that trust feels like to this femme bottom, It's a gift. Do not be afraid fimg x

  3. Cheree says:

    My very first female lover could orgasm just from rythmic pressure on her pubic mound. When she would strap on and fuck me, she would orgasm four, five, six times, until she was shaking too much to go on. Meanwhile, it's very hard for me to orgasm just from being fucked (which does not alter the fact that it's just about my favorite thing ever).

    With all due respect, I believe there's a degree to which you are still hung up in the quagmire of what a woman "should" or "shouldn't".

    The problem is that this whole perception we have of how women should enjoy sex is based on generations of cultural mores that have nothing to do with actual nature or biology.

    And now for the "easy for you to say" part: Let it go. Focus on what works for YOU and don't worry about what you "should". Focus on what works for YOU the same way you would focus on what works for HER.

    And maybe try opening up the trust gates a little more.

    Possession IS 9/10th's of the law, you know. You possess her, she possesses you. It's only fair.

    Wow, I’ve known girls who can come that easily – never been me, though. Funny how different some women are in the ways that we come.

    No offense taken, but I don’t think you’re right about me being hung up on what women supposed to do or be. My mentioning biology wasn’t meant to mean, “I’m not supposed to do this” so much as “coming like this feels more vulnerable, somehow, and I’m not sure how.” I know it’s what feels right, to me, regardless of what I’m “supposed” to do. But even having someone else strapped on and fucking me, or someone’s fingers in me, doesn’t feel as vulnerable as coming while strapped on. My gender is exposed in a way that feels so shaky. And I don’t think that’s about where I think I’m supposed to be so much as even the opposite – it’s more real for me, and feels more myself, but it also means greater risk, especially when the people I’m sleeping with don’t understand or hold me in ways that honor that. Which, at times, they haven’t.

    Thanks for the thoughts, gave me something else to chew on. – ss

  4. Lilly says:

    The trust and openness that it takes for you to be able to come while strapped on…THAT means more than the fact that you had an orgasm. To the femme bottom, that is. Unless the sex is bad (and christ I'm sorry I fail to believe it is with you, lol) the moment of your partners release is vying in top position for the moment of your own release. Both feel good, amazing, "Yes! I did it! I made him/her come!" and just both-sides-of-the-coin pleasurable. I personally feel let down if my partner does not orgasm. Like I wasn't "enough".

    It is something to strive for, and then embrace, the orgasm and moment of the melding of two genders in one person.

  5. Mab says:

    We are connected alright :) The craving, to have someone let go while inside you like that…It's a beautiful thing, and I know because I am denied it right now, I miss it more than ever. For me, in the way that I bottom, feeling someone lose themselves in desire like that is something I want more than my own orgasm, if possible.

  6. Alex says:

    thanks so much for the post, sinclair. i'm glad that some femmes chimed in about the joy and connection they experience when a butch cums inside them. i know for myself, as a butch top, that my gf *begs me to cum inside her. aside from her own orgasm, she'd say it's the best part of my cock inside her. at some point, ya just gotta let. go. but you're right, that does take an incredible amount of trust and openness.

  7. manuel says:

    "But even having someone else strapped on and fucking me, or someone’s fingers in me, doesn’t feel as vulnerable as coming while strapped on. My gender is exposed in a way that feels so shaky."

    It's interesting to hear you say that, Sin, because I have had the exact opposite experience. Coming while strapped on feels so gender affirming, whereas being penetrated (even with fingers sometimes) feels so vulnerable, and shaky and sometimes just plain wrong.

    Thank you so much for sharing these things. It's amazing to see my experiences reflected and be able to compare, stew over your ideas and dialogue about it.

  8. Kyle says:

    I'm glad so many femmes commented, because what they say backs up what I've heard and felt from my partners. And Manuel, I agree with you, I feel affirmed by being able to strap on and come inside my partner.. to her evident pleasure And I think part of her pleasure is because that particular sex organ is on the outside, isn't really of my body organically, and she can still work with me to bring me to orgasm (of course, now I want to talk to her about it :)

    good topic, well written and it's obviously given us a lot to think and talk about.

  9. *another femme chimes in*

    When my partner cums in me it's the ultimate sexual gift, but there are often moments of uncertainty and discomfort after.

    You've lent clear language to help me understand. Thank you.

  10. thanks for writing and sharing this. between you and sublime femme, i think i'm going to have to write my own post about this topic!

  11. leo says:

    excellent post, and thanks for taking the time to write about it in more detail. i think there are a number of mental hurdles involved & also some very real physical ones, too… i haven't seen too many harnesses that seem to be designed with the wearer's orgasms in mind, for instance. i laughed out loud at your description of your train of thought–am i that guy in the bad movie? and she's lying there completely uninterested? because i have had that exact thought so many times myself. i think you are right that it has a lot to do with exposure and trust and safety, maybe the most difficult parts of any relationship, in my opinion and experience.

  12. excellent post, indeed. i think it is amazing when this happens (from the 'outside' perspective). perhaps it is the loss of control in someone who is usually so controlled. and the obvious difference between coming that way and other ways. mostly, though, it's the look in her eyes – especially the surprise and…was it jubilation?…the first time. of course, you know that i totally get off on gender, so i suppose it's no surprise that i find it so hot.

  13. !spark! says:

    Well this is where I teared up [quote]...desperate for a safe haven, so dependent upon another for fulfillment and satisfaction[/quote]

    Vulnerability is the key piece here. And while it's not specific to the sex act, it does become most visible/palpable during sex (plus there is undoubtably a strap-on factor that's additive for you). I'd say that your core self feels that control and seperateness is the only way to survive (and btw my core self agrees with that assessment). And so ultimately we're stuck with this instinct and desire for connection, that is simultaneously muted by fear. It's a bitch.

    Personally I'm beginning to think that I may want more than to simply survive/exist, I may want to flourish, but that's gonna take opening myself up to to new territory and feeling exposed for a while.

  14. Lana says:

    I'm going to add another voice saying how much it means to read this – from two perspectives, for me.

    I am a femme who craves gender play, I dream about meeting a butch who can channel her desire through her cock the way you describe, but I am shy about asking for it. I fear wanting too much, that it will be too much to ask for the kind of vulnerability involved in going outside of the body, imbibing a new appendage with as much of one's life force as it takes to feel with it, to come through it.

    And I know what that feels like, because my most recent relationship was with another femme who asked it of me, and to whom I gave it gladly. I had never worn a harness before I met her, but I learned quite by accident to come inside of her, and I was both so fiercely proud and delighted – and terrified, as you say in this brave and lovely post, of hurting her, breaking the connection between us, feeling too intensely with a borrowed body. Of being laughable in that abandon, especially since I'm not butch, except in those moments. It was a beautiful thing, though, and I hope to find it again someday.

  15. G says:

    I've waited a while before responding to this because I really wanted to think about it, let it steep for a bit.

    I've had some of that same fear before, the mid-sex "Am I really that asshole?" You know, the insensitive guy we all mock because he was GOOD, and he's sure he just gave his partner earth-shaking pleasure. Thankfully, I've had supportive partners who assure me otherwise.

    I have a hard time letting go because I feel like biologically, I *was* made to do this. As much as I feel that my femme partners are made to take me in, I feel like I'm made to penetrate, to give (and take). My obstacle is the fact that I can't do that on my own anatomically, and I can't feel what I want to feel. I have the best imagination in the world and can still get off on knowing that I'm there at her very core, but god – what I wouldn't give to have it be me physically.

  16. Casey says:

    I am not femme, but I am often receptive, and one of my greatest sexual joys is to receive my butch partner's orgasm. Inside. In my cunt, in my ass, in my mouth… Those few moments of his vulnerability are a gift that I cherish. At those times, it's never about getting me off–my pleasure, my extreme pleasure, is in his pleasure. That the cock I am loving on isn't made of flesh… feels right to me, and feels no less a part of my lover for the fact that it's attached by straps rather than skin.

    When the fucking is about me and my orgasm, I feel my own vulnerability. It's really easy to get caught up in my head: Am I taking too long? Am I too much work? Is his arm getting tired? What are those noises he's making? Is he turned on or is he getting a cramp? Am I making weird faces? Jesus, I'm really taking a long time…

    I think the moment of orgasm is a wholly selfish one for most people (everyone?), no matter how one is getting off. Those last few thrusts, squeezes, breaths leading up to climax are not about anything but by-god getting there. Isn't it impossible to think about anything else just then?

    I know that nothing I say is going to magically change how you feel, but I will tell you that when my partner comes inside me, it is such an incredible, intense turn-on for me that there is no way I'm ever going to be lying there annoyed and disconnected. I have just worked really hard to get him to this point, and his orgasm is my reward.

  17. queerboi says:

    i'm not a femme either but i am a tried and true bottom and i want to echo the sentiment that i absolutely love it when my butch partner comes inside me. i find it very rewarding…not to mention that it turns me on so much that warning of its imminent arrival is enough to make me come, and whats cuter than a simultaneous O? hehe.

  18. queerboi says:

    oh, and thank you for this sentence, Casey: "That the cock I am loving on isn’t made of flesh… feels right to me, and feels no less a part of my lover for the fact that it’s attached by straps rather than skin."

    i feel absolutely the same way =)

  19. keep it comin sincliar. highest compliment for a femme. truly. and totally hot.

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