dirty stories, real life

Her dirty talk got me off. Twice.

“So,” Kristen said, arms around my neck, looking up from under me, my legs between hers but bent and wrapped around each other, both of us naked, skin to skin, sheened with sweat and still a little bit out of breath. “I guess we figured out what gets you off.”

Not that I – and she – and, let’s be honest, the entire fucking internet – didn’t already know what I like: blow jobs, strapping on, fingering a girl until I make her squirt. But this was different: I came twice in the few recent hours we’d been fucking. Probably mostly thanks to what Kristen was saying.

We’d talked about it the day before. “I want to be used,” she’d said. “Just … fucked with no regard for my pleasure.”

And so I did. And we liked it, a lot, both of us.

“Fuck my hole,” she whispered, “take me, fuck me hard, pound your big cock in me deep. I’m your slutty little girl.”

Just typing that makes my knees go a little weak. Why does that turn me on so goddamn much? Makes my head spin. I feel guilty for it, really, somewhere, just a little, a small piece of me that fears that treating a beautiful, smart, strong woman like that – objectifying, humiliating – is bad and wrong. I know fantasies and role play are so much more complicated than that, that the problematic power play and gender play that we oversexualize for pleasure is just that – oversexualized – in a very specific context, and it doesn’t mean I would ever do those things outside of that context. In fact, the context is what makes them hot at all – the consent – the way she asked for it, explicitly and specifically.

I’ve known this is what deeply gets me off. This isn’t new. I discovered that I could come while strapped on and fucking with Callie, and this is precisely what we used to play with, precisely the language we used, precisely the kind of thing she wanted. I had trouble with it, sometimes, partially because I wasn’t sure I could trust her (go figure) and because of how she demanded it, and that if I didn’t deliver correctly there were consequences.

So this kind of play does open me up in sensitive places, triggers me a little bit, pulls on old wounds of trauma.

I’ve known how much these concepts, this play, turns me on, but I haven’t really brought it up with Kristen before. Well – no, that’s not entirely true. We’ve been building to this, been learning each other and building trust and playing with consent and dirty talk and power play. We’ve been building to this, and it’s of course I wouldn’t have come to her on the first date – or in the first month! The first three months! – and say, I want to take you down like this. I want to fuck you until I get off and disregard what you feel, whether you like it or not. I wouldn’t say that! Even now, I have trouble writing it out – it’s more complicated than that being what I want, what I crave, because while it is, I just can’t get there to do that until I know for certain that my respect and honor for her are in place – and that I know she knows that, too. That I know some of her history and why she craves to be degraded in these ways. I need the trust to be there, and a deeply feminist understanding of sex and power play such that the issues of consent and degradation are clear, understood between us, and ultimately irrelevant to the way we play.

So I didn’t say it first. Honestly, it never occurred to me to this extent – if it had, I might’ve brought it up. We have played with elements of this, but nothing quite so specific or elaborate as we did yesterday. But I so needed that extra little piece of consent, that explicit permission which came from her – so I know I didn’t coerce her into it – that says take me. Overpower me. Use me.

We talked about this a bit recently – I wrote about it – about how hard it was for me to get off and how much she wants – we both want – me to get off more, and one of my major conclusions in exploring that has been that I pay so much attention to her, how she feels, what I can read from her tones and moans and body language, that I forget to pay attention to myself. It’s a strength of mine, to be observant, thoughtful, to pay attention to the person I’m with, I think it makes me a good lover and friend, but it doesn’t always serve me well: I loose myself sometimes, in ways even that I don’t always recognize at the time.

(I wonder how this relates to my history with Callie too, the ways I lost myself so totally and terribly with her. Maybe my getting off (easily) with her wasn’t actually deep connection with myself – or perhaps that’s unfair, since honestly that’s precisely the benefit that I took from that relationship: knowing that I needed to learn to deeply trust myself. But maybe the ways I came with her were about something else. Regardless, whatever connection to myself I began culminating with her was so challenging to keep while dealing with her neuroses and insecurities.)

And that’s precisely what Kristen brought up when we talked about it later: it makes sense that it is a big relief, and release, for me, when I stop doing that. When I no longer put someone else’s needs above my own, and in fact allow myself to override theirs with mine. I never do that, sometimes to my own determent. So being able – and being asked explicitly – to do that sexually is a huge, huge turn-on.

What I’m trying to say is, Kristen & I opened up something deep and wounded and complicated and beautiful and fucking powerful yesterday evening. It brings up guilt, it triggers some old wounds, brings some of my issues of overattentiveness to the surface, and makes me feel so strong and powerful, like the king of the world.

I know you want to know more about what it was we actually were saying, those dirty, filthy things that got me to come inside her twice while strapped on, during a blow job, during a punishment spanking for her being such a dirty girl, during some intense fucking with her ass in my hands and her legs in the air. It’s taken me all day to get through this, unfortunately, so I’ll have to write up the dialogue tonight and get it to you tomorrow.

Did I mention how much I am just totally loving my life? I can’t believe what an amazingly dirty filthy sexy hot freak I’ve found. And? She likes me as much as I like her. Grateful, grateful, grateful.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

28 thoughts on “Her dirty talk got me off. Twice.”

  1. stephanie says:

    *whew* I think I need dry panties now.

    Dialogue, yes! Pretty, pretty, pretty please?

    Thank you again, sir, for sharing. You are so generous. ;)

  2. Lilly says:

    R is like that with me. It's his biggest kink, above the power of domination….the filthy dirty talk. The fantasy that I'm nothing but his fuck-hole. Outside of the fantasy he respects the hell out of me, adores me and cares about me. If it were simply casual sex thing it wouldn't be nearly so powerful, to either of us. Or so easily reconcilable. But it is, and we wouldn't ever care to do it with just some random stranger.

  3. edith piaf says:

    this one. this.

  4. wow,that is so powerful. I am so happy that you have found someone to explore this with. I look forward to tomorrow.

  5. Miss Ida says:

    I know exactly what you mean…

    As a femme on the other side of this I sometimes feel torn and sometimes feel bad when I tell my Daddy to punish me for being a dirty lil’ slut or begg him to ‘make me take it…make me take all of it’.

    Just typing it out makes me ache in a way nothing else does…

    I’ve asked myself ‘Why does this do this to me?… Is it ok?… Is this the most unfeminist thing I could ever do?..Am I playing into rape culture?’ And I’ve come to the decision that I am here of my own free will and my own choice. I choose this. I allow it. It’s about trust and respect above all. I’ve always believed that. In sex, kink, BDSM, D/lg etc.. I have always believed that the bottom/femme/little girl/catcher etc is truely the one in power because we are allowing you to have it. We are giving our power over to you. It is a very precious gift.

    Enjoy it.

  6. kyle says:

    This resonates with me. First because that kind of dirty talk turns me on like nothing else. I love hearing it, it fires something up in me that is barely controllable. I also love talking that way myself, when it's my turn to give, to be the dirty slutty boy/woman/whore that I can certainly be on occasion. It works when I'm with someone I love and respect, because we know it's a role play, it's kink, it's not how we treat each other all the time.

    The other thing that I relate to in this point is the idea of being a giver. Being the pleasure giver in sexual interactions. It's something I'm going to post about, because it's been coming up a lot in my conversations with roxy lately. What do you do when your lover is also a giver?

  7. Elizabeth says:

    Oh man. This is one of my struggles. Cuz my gf loves that kind of dirty talk and i have so much trouble delivering it. Two things:

    One, the feminist in me rebels at saying those words. (I could go on and on about that but i won't.)

    And two, i simply don't have that dialog in my head. I can't even make that stuff up when i want to indulge her that way.

    I'll read tomorrow's post for some verbiage, but i'm not sure i can deliver.

    Thanks for sharing!

  8. Wow. How brutally honest this is Sir.

    It resonates with me so well. I get off on her getting off and being selfish is hard for me. I'm learning to take responsibility for my own orgasm in a new way (after watching a GREAT sex documentary.) I never considered that my orgasm was ultimately my responsibility. But it is.

    My deviance is another thing I have trouble with at times…mid scene thinking I'm horrible for asking her to beat me until I cry then make me cum afterward. But I love it. So I move through the guilt.

    Thank you for your words Sinclair.


  9. Pingback: Sugasm #163

Leave a Reply