dirty stories, real life

“Can I come? Please?”

Kristen gets off easily. When we were discussing it last night, she said there’s a point after we’ve been fucking for a bit where she can simply tighten and it happens, so after a while she can basically come on demand. I start murmuring, “do it again, come for me, do it now,” and she does, almost every time.

It’s a bit of a miracle to me, as someone who takes a while to gear up and get off, and as someone who dated someone pre-orgasmic for four years (four years! We weren’t even open, I didn’t make any single person (except me) come in four years, it was torture). I have written about how it’s hard for me to get off around here somewhere.

I love that she comes like that. It is one of the things I crave most about sex: being able to give someone else that feeling of orgasm, of momentary loss of control, of la petite mort. I love the power of that exchange, the way she wants it from me, the way I keep her poised on my fingers or tongue or cock. I have tried to keep track, but I always get distracted, or loose count, or can’t tell when one ends and the next begins, sometimes she just goes and goes. I have asked her to count, telling her I’ll let her out of the ropes after she gets to ten.

Lately, we have been playing more with the torture of waiting, with making her beg for it, with keeping her writhing but not touched until she can’t stand it. She has noticed has orgasms are stronger and bigger the longer she waits, so that made us implement something else new: to make her ask permission before she can come.

This is mostly because I can’t always tell when she gets close, can’t even always tell when she starts coming, sometimes it’s a cry of ecstasy not unlike being bitten hard or fucked well and I can’t tell if she’s close or expressive. So she has to ask.

She waits until she’s so, so close, as if she’s forgotten she has to ask, then forces out the word: “Please?”

“Please what?”

“Please can I?” Gasping.

“Please can you what?” I don’t let up with my fingers thrumming her clit, my cock shoving inside her. I know she’s on the verge.

“Please, can I come!”

“… No.”

Seems I need to remind her that she has to ask if I want it to be ongoing, though, which I think I do. It is easy for both of us to skip over the asking and go right to the coming. And sometimes having one or two orgasms seems to open her up, make her able to take more, deeper, harder. So sometimes perhaps it’s best to let her come a few times before starting to deny her more, to build up to a larger release.

We’ve added this element of asking permission into sex on various occasions in the last few months, but I think it’s worth continuing to explore. I don’t really know how it’ll work yet, but I love the power dynamic of it, love the extra element of control over her body and her orgasm that I get to play with having. Love how she gives that over to me. Love how I can feel like I can sculpt her rise and fall of energy and release – no, not yet, not yet, keep it building, just a little longer, you can hold it in, hold it back, wait, wait … now: let go. This is what I love about being a top, too, at its very best – being able to sculpt someone else’s experience of their body, sensation, release.

Last night, I wanted her to wait until I was coming, until I came, to let herself come, but I couldn’t quite say that, I wasn’t quite confident of my own ability to get off. I wish it was more consistent for me. I can never quite tell when or if it’s going to happen, I can’t seem to make it happen. The factors all seem variable: sometimes I feel disconnected from her and I come anyway, sometimes I feel totally connected and can’t. Sometimes I don’t expect it and it happens, sometimes I do expect it and it happens. Sometimes I don’t try and it surprises me. I came twice on Saturday, that’s rare, but somehow I had the angle, or the harness placement, or the mental turn-on, and it worked.

Someday, that’s what I want. To use her like that, to be oblivious to her pleasure until I get mine. To take what I need.

That feels extremely vulnerable, because it goes against what I’ve been taught – to be respectful and conscious and interactive in our sex lives. But consent in this kind of play can sometimes trump what is “supposed” to happen, and perhaps will move me into new realms, to explore new interactions, to move into new personal realms, weave knowledge into our bones. And oh my god the very idea makes me so incredibly hot.

There is so much to explore here, with her, I still feel we’ve barely scratched the surface. And I just want more, and more, and more.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, when we have sex,” she said last night. “I don’t know if it’ll be sweet and lovely, or some crazy tantric energy release shit, or if I’ll be your little girl, or if it’ll be dirty and kinky.”

We seem to be moving from one into another more and more fluidly these days, able to turn on a dime and make something that was full of dirty talk and name-calling and control and, occasionally, pain, into something sweet and sensual, or into some deep-breathing chakra release. We seem to have a little bit of all of it, all the time, and that is near perfection.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

5 thoughts on ““Can I come? Please?””

  1. leo says:

    damn this blog is hot these days.

    when the mood is right and you tell her not to come until you've gotten off… i predict it will be something to remember. the few times i've done that, the look of mingled desire, surprise, and submission on her face has been just about enough to get me there all on its own.

    enjoy your vacation!

  2. Joy says:

    Wow. The progression you're describing here parallels the experiences I've been having in one of my current relationships. It's really neat – and a bit comforting – to know I'm not the only one for whom waiting makes them stronger, and for whom asking is SO hot. So hot.

    I will say, though, that I don't like asking to be an assumed thing – I like being able to come freely for awhile, then hear him say, when he can tell I'm starting to get close again, "Not yet. Wait."

    On the other hand, I've noticed that the increased self-control that learning to wait has given me has also allowed me to slip into a deeper state of relaxation and luxurious enjoyment during sex – continually contracting in orgasm is great, but it can be tiring. Sometimes, I have found, I'm very glad to be able to relish the intimacy, the sensuality without being…distracted by orgasm.

    All the best to you and Kristen as you continue this journey!

  3. riotfemme says:

    Playing with power, control and permission like that is an incredible rush. My lover and I have been exploring this a lot lately too and it really is the most outrageously intense exchange. She makes me ask permission, to beg, but not just to come; I must ask before I touch her or touch myself, always calling her Sir. It takes incredible self control and sends me into a very powerfully submissive place. She loves it :)

    I hope you and Kristen enjoy exploring this as much as we have and continue to.

  4. kyle says:

    Roxy is the first lover I've had who's played the power game of controlling my orgasms. I come easily and often, like Kristen. It's amazing and frustrating and makes me insane, but the strength of my orgasms is definitely increased.. and then there's the turn on of letting someone else control me.

  5. Shirley says:

    I am submissive and have always loved being made to hold and having to beg to cum. The orgasm when permission is granted is absolutely intense and powerful that I almost pass out and my girlfriend has to tell me to breathe. I am so lucky that my gf is a true top and knows just how to control me. I would recommend evryone to at least try holding for as long as possible, the rewards are out of this world.

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