Resiliance and Rebuilding: 2013 in Books, Music, and Writings

Top Writings on Sugarbutch from 2013

In order, from most read to least, these are the writings on Sugarbutch from 2013. Which were your favorites?

The quiz is here! What kind of s-type are you?
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“In preparation for a big project that Rife & I are creating, we looked around to find a really good online quiz that talked about the different kinds of submissive identity and what they meant, but the only ones we found were … well, not so great. So we decided to make our own!”

essay | Read the whole thing

Making Peace: in which I (attempt to) explain what happened over these last eighteen months
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“I want to make peace with you, my readers—and with my friends, many of whom experienced me being flaky, not following through with my agreements, and not showing up in the past eighteen months. I want the ease of interaction back. I want to tell you where I’ve been, to make sense of the significant changes I’ve been through. If I don’t tell you what happened, how can you understand where I am now? How can I understand where I am now? … So: what happened between me and Kristen? What is the matter of fact explanation?”

This post attempts to explain. journal entry | Read the whole thing

“Pick a hole. You know what happens next.”
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““Uhh no please Daddy.” My dick completely fills him. I feel him dripping already. The resistance is palpable as I push deeper, filling him up. His tight little young body tries to push me out, but it just gives you more to push against. I’ll force it in all morning if I have to. He’ll get used to it.

I fist his hair and hold his hole open. “You know I like it when you struggle. I can shove harder that way.” He’ll learn to open up for me, to give that hole, to open up and take it, in time. Right now I don’t mind shoving it in. I work it in and out. So tight.”

Trigger warning: Daddy/boy play, rough sex. dirty story | Read the whole thing →

How to Chomp: Erotic Biting for Pleasure & Pain
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“So, let’s say you have a green light of consent, that this person you’re messing around with in whatever way loves being bit. How do you do that? What are the safety risks? How do you cause maximum pleasure (or pain)?”

That image up at the top of this 2013 roundup post is the illustration Rife made just for this essay. advice / essay | Read the whole thing →

Queer Porn TV Free #PornParty January 31st
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“What is a #pornparty, you ask? Well, it’s a worldwide gathering on Twitter of folks who like queer porn. Simply tune in, press play, and then follow the hashtag #pornparty while you watch for commentary and discussion. … We’ll be watching something through QueerPorn.TV, and viewing this film will be completely free.”

No wonder it’s a popular post, huh? Lots of good free porn. There may be more #pornparty -ing in 2014, we’ll see … review | Read the whole thing →

Under the Desk
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“”Uh huh. I know you like it. You beg for it an thank me after, little one. But this isn’t for you. Just for me. Daddy needs this. Do it right. That’s good. Fuck. Good boy.” You start swelling up and moaning with each cool sucking breath. I know you want it. I know this is what you’re for, and so do you. I shove it in, feeling myself tighten, that delicious pressure building from deep.”

dirty story | Read the whole thing →

Coming Out Genderqueer: An Open Letter to My Family & Friends
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“Dear family & friends,

Especially friends from my childhood and high school years who have found me for whatever reasons on Facebook, and family with whom I’m not particularly close, and coworkers from previous jobs who I have perhaps never had this chat with: I have something to tell you: I’m genderqueer.”

The whole letter was posted on my personal Facebook account, where I tagged most of my childhood friends, work colleagues, and relatives. It was kind of nerve-wracking. And, it’s been amazing what conversations have opened up from it. essay | Read the whole thing →

Open Relationship Mini Interview with Charlie Glickman: “Being poly doesn’t make you more evolved.”
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“[Poly] requires the ability to talk about and process feelings quickly and efficiently. Of course, that skill will benefit any relationship, but when there are multiple people, each with their own needs and desires, as well as their feelings about each other, there are a lot of moving parts. If I could, I’d tell my younger self that the best way to learn how to process well would be to build social networks full of people who are dedicated to open-hearted, honest communication. Yes, therapy helped. Yes, workshops and books helped. But getting to see how other people do it and getting to practice it with lots of friends made it much easier to develop those skills in sexual/romantic relationships.”

Remember the open relationship mini-interviews? They wrapped up very early 2013, it was more of a end-of-2012 project. I still want to make them into an ebook. This interview with Charlie was picked up by The Stranger’s online newspaper, and got a bit of attention. essay | Read the whole thing →

To the femmes on whom I’ve crushed this past year
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“If you think I’m not kicking myself for not making a move when I had the chance, you’re wrong. I wish I made a move. Although really, I wish I had had the capacity to make a move. Explain it through the spoon theory, call it the grieving process, call it heartbreak, call it post-poly trauma and fear—whatever it was, I was not in the place to play, fuck, open myself up, make an offer, make a move, or hell, sometimes even flirt. I wish I had been.”

journal entry | Read the whole thing →

Five Blow Jobs
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““Good boy,” I breathe as I watch your mouth, tongue, lips, my cock down your throat. I let you guide it. I let you slide it however deep you want. I push a little, because that’s what I do, but mostly I just concentrate on the feeling and the sight. I almost come but it’s too much, I get overstimulated and don’t have the right angle so I get up and take my jeans off, my socks and shoes and briefs, and spread my legs wider, get a better grip under the harness. You start in again and I imagine what your mouth would feel like. I know every inch of it, know every ridge of the roof and every tastebud on your tongue and every valley of your teeth with my fingers and my tongue, but fuck how I wish I could feel those with my cock.”

dirty story | Read the whole thing →

Back on the Path
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“These days, I rarely write here about my personal life. I know that’s been an appeal of Sugarbutch for a long time, but the last six months have proven to be the most difficult winter I’ve ever gone through, and I don’t even know how to write about it. Maybe I will, someday. Maybe things will start to make more sense soon. I’ve written about the precursor some, so perhaps some of you can guess the inevitable outcome. But I’m not ready to write about it all yet.

It’s strange to not write it. This place has been my first go-to for relationship changes and processing for years, and it has always been a comfort to reveal and work through things in this way. The biggest problem is that as my audience has grown, the things I am exploring have changed, and many of my own edges are controversial.”

journal entry | Read the whole thing →

This is how we wake up.
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“He drops and shudders again, slow and steady on his hands and knees, disappearing around the corner. I hear him shuffle on the wood floor. I have my cock on and hard when he gets back. He spreads the blanket out and I knock him forward onto the bed, on his stomach, bent over the side. Press my body up against his and he moans, calls out, his neck long, mouth open. Cock pressed between his legs. Feel it? Got me so hard, little faggot. Are you going to be a good boy and take it for Daddy? Huh?

Trigger warning: Daddy/boy play, rough sex. journal entry / dirty story | Read the whole thing →

Favorite reads from 2013

It was kind of a bad reading year for me. I remember early on in the year, wondering why I couldn’t seem to concentrate on whatever book I was reading, and my therapist commenting on how much hardship I’d been going through, and how it makes sense that my brain couldn’t concentrate on other people’s stories. I think it was too busy rearranging to my new reality. Still, I missed reading, so I tried to dial down my books, reading things that were just easy rather than complicated or full of big thoughts. I read a lot of dirty novels, and poems, and tried to get through gender theory (and sometimes did).

These were the very favorites of my year. Things I couldn’t put down, things that changed my world view, things that were notable and I would highly recommend.


How Poetry Saved My Life, Amber Dawn; Excluded, Julia Serano; Dark Secret Love, Alison Tyler; Ask the Man Who Owns Him, David Schachter & david stein; Rise of the Trust Fall, Mindy Nettifee; Slow Surrender by Cecilica Tan


Real Happiness, Sharon Salzberg; Chronology of Water, Lidia Yuknovich; Ocean at the End of the Lane, Neil Gaiman; The Killer Wore Leather, Laura Antoniou; A Tale for the Time Being, Ruth Ozeki; The Big Book of Orgasms, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

I keep track of books over on GoodReads, and so this list is based on my top rated books from 2013. I’ve put forward goals for the last four years on GoodReads, but I didn’t make it last year. I lowered my number again for this year, and am hoping to read more, now that I have more of my concentration back.

Most listened to music from 2013

Some are from 2011 or 2012, but I’m still playing them, or they’re new to me this past year.

I’m not going to put albums by Morphine, KD Lang, and Tori Amos on this list, but they were actually my very most listened to artists in 2013. They’re my top favorites I guess, I go back to their libraries all the time.

aims Bat_for_Lashes_-_The_Haunted_Man_cover Clairy_Browne First-Aid-Kit-The-Lions-Roar Holly-Williams-The-Highway brettdennen

Aims by Vienna Teng (2013); The Haunted Man by Bat for Lashes (2012); Baby Caught the Bus by Clairy Browne & the Banging Rackettes (2011); The Lion’s Roar by First Aid Kit (2012); The Highway by Holly Williams (2013); Smoke & Mirrors by Brett Dennen (2013)

Matt-Nathanson Me'Shell+Ndegeocello-Weather mojojuju PattyGriffin-AmericanKid The-xx-Coexist waxwings

Last of the Great Pretenders by Matt Nathanson (2013); Weather by MeShell Ndegeocello (2011); Mojo Juju’s self-titled first album (2012); American Kid by Patty Griffin (2013); Coexist by The XX (2013); Wax Wings by Joshua Radin (2013)

I’ve been more into music in the past than I think I am now—I keep up with new releases less, and even listen to less music, moreso just going back to the artists I love and listening to my favorites. I still make a lot of mixes, though. This list is largely based on my account and my itunes and my brain.

Top posts of 2013 that were published in other years

Just in case you want more reads, and these weren’t enough to keep you clicking around the internet for a few hours, here’s some of the top posts on Sugarbutch in 2013 according to the number of times they were read, but they weren’t published in 2013. I’m glad that y’all still go back into the archives sometimes!

Y’all really like the dirty stuff, don’t you. Uh huh. Duly noted as I go forward in 2014.

I do actually have some resolutions this year … particularly, I have some resolutions for “blogging,” for writing here. I think I’ll go share them with the newsletter.

Comment Zen … Requests & Ideas

Oh hey! So you want to comment on this? I’d love that. Here’s some ideas for what you might want to say:

  • What was your favorite writing on Sugarbutch this year? What posts do you frequently go back to, from this year or from other years?
  • What were your favorite books from 2013?
  • What was your favorite new music album of 2013?
  • For that matter, I would love your favorite books or music recommendations of all time, especially books that are beautifully easy to fall into and stay up late reading, which for me is mostly really good fiction. But whatever you found yourself lost in recently, I’d love to know.
  • What do you hope to see more of in 2014?
  • Did you make any New Year’s resolutions?

That should be enough inspirational questions, right? Thanks for reading this far. I hope you found some good reads or some good musical inspirations.

Leave a comment

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

10 thoughts on “Resiliance and Rebuilding: 2013 in Books, Music, and Writings”

  1. Claire E says:

    Hey there, I’m been a reader for a long time but this is my first comment :)

    Sinclair. I love your work! I’m a 1st year university student so 2013 was my kind of “break free” year in that I moved away from home but sites like your fantastic writing helped me flesh out more of my own identity and feel less, I don’t know, constrained even before I arrived at university. In the last year, I really felt for you when times were rough. I wanted to give you a hug (kind of a big deal – we British are notoriously stiff upper lip types, and I’m not much of a touchy-feely person…)

    There’s so much pressure to act a certain way even within LGBTQ communities (that I never expected when I entered them) and I love the way you challenge that – butch/femme relationships can be treated like some relic from past times when queers tried to imitate the majority to be accepted, so I felt guilty in craving that power balance but here has always been a safe, interesting space to explore the very complex and beautiful nature of these relationships.

    Anyway, phew, I study Chemistry so that’s as close to expressing something profound about existence that I’ve gone into without an equation of some sort for a while. I need a lie down now.

    Reading material? Out of interest, you seem very connected to nature and your mind is undeniably sharp – does scientific literature interest you at all?

    1. Sinclair says:

      Hey Claire! Thanks for the comment. To answer your question … I read some nature writing, yeah, but mostly reference type things, less scientific literature. Like I’ve been working through a natural history of the Sierra Nevadas since moving to Northern California. But I have really loved things like Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier, and Angier’s other works, and Diane Ackerman’s work. I think I’d just need something really well written and approachable to keep my interest these days, since my concentration for books isn’t as good as it has been in the past. (I blame grief, but it’s also internet fatigue.)

      It’s a good idea, though. I’ll look into that genre and see if any catch my eye. Got any recommendations?

      1. Claire E says:

        Internet fatigue, that’s a great phrase for a very real phenomena!

        Personally, although the theory is said to be discredited, I recommend books on the Gaia theory written by James Lovelock – it’s such a beautiful theory and well supported, a real remedy for when it feels that science doesn’t have a soul sometimes.

        Other than that there’s the classic Silent Spring by Rachel Carson. Written in the 1960s but still relevant today, some people say it’s a scary read but it’s just so extremely well written I have to love it.

        Hmm that’s all I can think of for now…

        1. Sinclair says:

          I’ve definitely read Silent Spring, I remember having my mind blown as a high schooler though I haven’t read it since then (probably … gulp … 18 years ago?). I’ll check out the Gaia theory books, that sounds really interesting. And if you haven’t read Natalie Angier, I highly recommend her work!

  2. kat says:

    Vienna Teng! you know how sometimes someone gives you an album, and you love it but don’t ever get around to looking up anything else by that artist? right. there’s a couple of those on here — thanks!

    i am a really huge fan of novels for brain candy. there’s nothing in the world amiss with checking out into some fast-paced fiction to get some relief from everything else and change your head. books that i’ve *really* enjoyed this year, (i read a lot of SF/F, so this list tilts that direction):

    Guy Gavriel Kay, River of Stars
    Nicola Griffith, Hild (and because that was new, i re-read her Aud Torvingen trilogy, The Blue Place, Stay & Always. all three are brilliant. heartbreaking, and heartwarming, and amazing.)
    Walter Jon Williams, Metropolitan & City on Fire
    Martha Wells’ Raksura series, The Cloud Roads, The Serpent Sea, & The Siren Depths
    all of Seanan McGuire’s October Daye novels (i think there are 6; fun gritty urban fantasy)
    and Lois McMaster Bujold came out with a new Vorkosigan novel, so i celebrated by re(re)reading most of the 17-novel series.

    a couple all-time favorites — Marge Piercy’s Small Changes. omg beautiful. also her City of Darkness, City of Light. Laurie Marks’ Children of the Triad trilogy, Delan the Mislaid, the Moonbane Mage, & Ara’s Field. Barbara Kingsolver’s Prodigal Summer. Terry Windling’s The Wood Wife (one of the best magical explorations of the desert in contemporary fantasy).

    1. Sinclair says:

      I really love the Aud Torvingen trilogy! I haven’t picked up Hild, but I will. It’s been on my list.

      And thank you for all the other recommendations! I zoomed through Divergent #1, which was good but not so well writte. Just picked up Daughter of Smoke & Bone and it is SO much better written that Divergent feels even more flimsy. I’ll probably go back to Divergent #2 eventually, but I have this great list of all these other titles, I want to check those out too. I’m keeping track of things on my GoodReads account— (hope that link works?)

      Thanks Kat :)

      1. kat says:

        good writing matters! the link works. Daughter of Smoke & Bone looks great — added to my list. thanks! (and it’s in the same general family as the October Daye books, fwiw.)

  3. Aura says:

    Can we have the recipe for the blackberry bourbon slump, please? Blackberries and booze are two of my Daddy’s favorites, and baking for him is one of my favorite forms of service! Thank you!

  4. Claire says:

    Don’t know how much of a history buff you may or may not be but “In the Garden of Beasts” by Erik Larson (WWII), “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” by: Rebecca Skloot (Biology/Race), and “The Blue Tattoo: The Life of Olive Oatman” by: Margot Mifflin (Native American) are all awesome reads. For historical fiction the new Stephen King book “11/22/63” and “One Thousand White Women” by: Jim Fergus are awesome and worth a gander.

    I also read “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson which is good, but has the side effect of long periods of deep contemplation about universal physics…which is not something I was at all prepared for.

    Spamming your blog with comments today because I haven’t had internet in a while, hope you don’t mind! (Trying to keep to my resolution to give more positive feedback and acknowledgement to people who are helping me grow :)

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