Clit Pumping: How to Grow
March 11, 2009 · Content: clit pumping, sex ed, technique, testosterone, gender, body modification, clit, trans, genderqueer, DIY
Some guys grow inches on their clits from pumping — that’s how I first heard about it, at a trans conference, from a friend who said it was all the rage. The principle is the same as enlarging a cis-cock: engorge with blood repeatedly, work the tissue like a muscle. A practical guide to clit pumping with product comparisons, technique notes, and the particular pleasure of taking your body’s possibilities seriously.
Dear (Cis) People Who Put Your Pronouns On Your “Hello My Name Is” Name Tag
April 20, 2019 · Content: pronouns, nonbinary, genderqueer, they/them, trans allyship, visibility, community, coming out, name tags
“When you do that, I feel more comfortable putting my pronouns — they/them. I feel more comfortable being visibly out as nonbinary.” A thank-you letter to cis people who put their pronouns on name tags, followed by a practical guide to where else to do it — email signatures, social media bios, Zoom names — and why it matters more than it might seem.
How to take butch cock seriously
April 8, 2008 · Content: strap-on, butch cock, cock confidence, blow job, gender, embodiment, identity, sex ed, butch/femme
Call it a cock, dick, prick, johnson — but don’t call it “fake.” It isn’t. Touch it, caress it, taste it, suck it, treat it like it’s part of the body it’s attached to, because it is. A foundational essay on the practical and philosophical dimensions of taking butch cock seriously — written from the perspective of someone who has a lot of nerves in their cunt and can feel when you press it against them.
How I Became A Daddy
July 23, 2016 · Content: Daddy/girl, identity, gender, kink, leather, masculinity, reluctance, D/s, personal history, evolution
I came to be a Daddy somewhat reluctantly. For years I felt a certain charge about Daddy/girl dynamics — mostly negative. How was it not about incest? A gay male friend put me on the path to understanding: it’s about having an older male figure, a positive role model, something so many of us lacked and still crave. It took eight more years of devouring lesbian erotica before I admitted to myself what it was that I kept coming back to.
Nonbinary Honorific Terms for a Dominant
September 30, 2021 · Content: nonbinary, honorifics, D/s, titles, dominance, language, gender neutral, they/them, kink, community
The usual titles are all so gendered: Sir, Ma’am, Mistress. In the nonbinary D/s groups I was holding, this question came up constantly — what do we actually call a nonbinary dominant? A thorough survey of options, from Captain to Your Liege to Magister, with thoughts on what resonates and why finding a title that fits matters more than it might seem.
On Butches: Coming Inside
March 5, 2009 · Content: butch identity, vulnerability, strap-on, orgasm, gender, embodiment, coming, risk, masculinity
“The truth is, it feels embarrassing, really, to come while strapped on and fucking. The amount I have to let go and risk is sometimes too much for my heart to open up.” An essay about the particular vulnerability of orgasm as a butch top — and the specific gender of being outside the body, penetrating, exposed — that sits with the tension without resolving it.
Reconciling the Identities of Feminist & Butch Top
December 18, 2009 · Content: feminism, BDSM, butch top, sadism, identity, politics, face slapping, consent, reconciliation, gender
A girl asked to be slapped. Something big swelled and I wanted to — and then spent years wrestling with what that meant for a feminist who believes in equality and consent and anti-violence politics. This essay, written for a feminist sex reading series, is the account of how those identities got reconciled: not by resolving the tension, but by sitting inside it long enough to understand it.
On Femme Invisibility
November 23, 2009 · Content: femme invisibility, butch/femme, gender presentation, queer community, femininity, identity, discrimination, visibility
Femme invisibility is real. Queer women who are feminine get read as straight — by straight people, other queer people, sometimes by themselves — because the culture assumes that rejecting heterosexuality means rejecting femininity. “Femme invisibility is bullshit,” Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha said at the Femme Conference. “You just don’t know how to look.” Written from the position of someone who is not femme but has spent years witnessing it, loving it, and wanting to see it named correctly.
Let’s Talk About Bleeding While Butch
August 31, 2014 · Content: menstruation, butch identity, body, gender, dysphoria, hormones, menstrual cycle, feminist body politics, chronic pain
I have always had very heavy periods — lots of blood, serious cramps, the kind that keep you flat on your back. And I’ve always had very specific feelings about menstruating as a butch person. This essay is about both: the physical reality of bleeding and the gender complexity of it, in a body that is butch, in a culture that feminizes menstruation by default, in communities that don’t always talk about this enough.
Coming Out Genderqueer: An Open Letter to My Family & Friends
November 26, 2013 · Content: genderqueer, coming out, nonbinary, butch, trans, identity, pronouns, family, open letter, gender theory
“I’m genderqueer. That means I live my day-to-day life somewhere between ‘man’ and ‘woman,’ often facing daily interactions where the general public doesn’t ‘get’ my gender.” Originally published on Facebook to tag at least twenty people who needed to see it. A distilled, accessible explanation of genderqueer identity, what butch means, what trans-asterisk means, and why the boxes of man and woman feel too constricting — written for people outside these worlds.
Microagressions & Misgendering: “Right this way, ladies.”
December 21, 2015 · Content: misgendering, microaggressions, genderqueer, nonbinary, service industry, gender policing, language, trans, visibility, daily life
Interacting with service industry people can be daunting and exhausting for genderqueer folks. Being called “ladies” — constantly, daily — is not just deflating. It’s a very real microaggression. It’s the larger culture, made up of thousands of individuals, gender policing us into binary categories and reminding anyone outside those categories that we are wrong, unseen, and unimportant. This essay names the thing clearly and talks through what to do about it.
Femme Invisibility & Beyond
January 15, 2012 · Content: femme invisibility, butch/femme, gender presentation, queer community, identity, advice, femininity, discrimination
A reader asked: why do butches ignore femmes even when they nod or say “nice tie”? A follow-up to the 2009 femme invisibility essay, this one goes further: femme invisibility is a form of gender discrimination, because refusing to recognize a femme as queer means asserting that their presentation trumps their own self-identification. And that’s not just wrong — it’s a very specific kind of erasure.
A Love Letter to Femmes
April 1, 2009 · Content: femme, love letter, Femmethology, anthology, femininity, butch/femme, witnessing, queer community, audio
Written for the Femmethology anthology on femme identity. The essay arrived on the very last day of submission, written in one long sentence, spent the rest of the day being polished. This post includes an audio recording of the reading rather than the full text — you’ll need the book for that. A love letter written from the position of someone who witnesses femme, loves it, and can’t quite speak from inside it, but wanted to anyway.
My Evolving Masculinity, Part Three: “Daddy”
October 20, 2009 · Content: Daddy/girl, masculinity, identity, Kristen, dirty talk, kink, personal essay, patreon-protected
Kristen had been calling me “Daddy” in bed since earlier that summer, and it felt so damn personal to write about. Part Three of the Evolving Masculinity series — the moment when a kink that had seemed unthinkable started to feel not just possible but true. Available to Patreon members.
What do you call your butch?
April 20, 2009 · Content: butch, pet names, honorifics, language, gender, masculinity, D/s, dirty talk, community question
Specifically, when they’re a top, what do you call them in bed — Sir? Daddy? Handsome? When the usual pet names (“honey,” “sweetie,” “baby”) read too feminine for the gender dynamic you’re playing with, language starts to matter differently. An open question to readers that generated a rich comment thread about all the ways people address and celebrate their butches.
Is genderqueer (or butch) a stepping stone to transitioning?
February 3, 2014 · Content: genderqueer, transitioning, butch identity, trans, nonbinary, gender theory, identity, community, personal essay
A trans guy who used to identify as genderqueer asked: for him it was a stepping stone because he was afraid to come out all the way. Is that what’s happening with you? The answer: I don’t have investment in being seen as male, but I do have investment in not being seen exclusively as female. That’s a subtle difference — and maybe the whole difference. A nuanced response to a question that deserves more than a yes or no.
On Butches: Hair
August 26, 2008 · Content: butch identity, facial hair, body hair, gender, shaving, masculinity, coming out, body politics, early archive
I am a butch who shaves — not my legs, but my face: chin, mustache, sideburns, every day. It took years to celebrate this. An ex-boyfriend used it against me in a fight: “You have more hair on your chin than me!” I went upstairs and shaved for the first time. That was 1999. Now I buy men’s razors and walk to the register with my head high. A meditation on facial hair, body politics, and the small acts of gender celebration that add up.
In Praise of Femmes: Hair & Shaving
August 28, 2008 · Content: femme, body hair, shaving, femininity, beauty culture, body politics, gender, butch/femme, choice
Written as the companion piece to “On Butches: Hair” — the femme side of the same conversation. A distinction between options and personal preference: what the body does is natural, real, acceptable, sexy. Body hair, stretch marks, the thickness of muscle or thigh or waist — these are beautiful. And the question of whether a femme shaves her legs is hers alone to answer, with feminist body culture as the larger frame.
On Butch Breasts, Binders, & Bras
June 24, 2008 · Content: butch breasts, binder, bra, gender, body, masculinity, chest, dysphoria, feminism, body politics
I went one day without my binder, and all day long I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. The binder doesn’t make my chest disappear — it makes it look like a chest rather than a uniboob. I think breasts are butch. I think the menstrual cycle is butch. Everything the female body does can be butch, because butch has to do with masculinity on a female body — and I’ve been holding back my desire to go further into my own masculinity out of fear. This essay is me naming that fear out loud.
Unsolicited Advice to a New Butch (aka The Butch Poem)
June 14, 2011 · Content: butch identity, advice, poem, prose poem, community, masculinity, gender, growth, lineage
“There is more to you than this identity. It makes everything make more sense, and without it you might be lost, but with it you are only ever on one path. You contain more multitudes than that.” A prose poem written for the new butch — or the old butch who needed reminding. Dance. Cook. Read. Make peace with your body. Invest in a suit. Remember that your lover craves your skin and friction and kisses not despite but because of your masculinity.
