This list of the top 20 kink & D/s essays on Sugarbutch is listed according to the number of views, starting with the most viewed of all time.
How to Chomp: Erotic Biting for Pleasure & Pain
November 5, 2013 · Content: biting, impact play, consent, negotiation, marks, kink technique, sex ed, D/s, topping
“I’m surprised more people don’t talk about biting. It’s pretty practical — I think it should be a conscious part of a dom’s tool kit. When I first apply pressure, her whole body goes tight like a bowstring. It makes me feel like I control every inch of her in that moment.” A full practical guide to erotic biting: where to bite, how hard, how to negotiate marks, and why your mouth might be the most versatile tool you already own.
7 Tips For Flirting As A Submissive
September 11, 2015 · Content: submission, flirting, D/s, dominants, kink community, advice, negotiation, power exchange, s-type
The most common question submissives ask: how do I flirt with dominants without coming across as pushy, or invisible, or like I’m topping from the bottom? The confusion is that we associate flirtation with assertion — which gets read as dominant. This essay untangles that, with seven concrete tips for how a submissive can make their interest known while still respecting the dynamic they’re hoping to enter.
Creating a Submissive Training Plan for Yourself
December 31, 2018 · Content: submission, training, protocol, goals, service, D/s, s-type, self-development, solo practice
Submissives don’t have to wait for a dominant to give them structure, plans, and training. This essay walks through how to create your own training plan — identifying skills to develop, setting goals, breaking them into small tasks, and building in rewards — whether you’re currently in a D/s relationship or not. Because developing your submission is work you can do on your own, right now.
The Best Queer Sex Blogs
November 15, 2015 · Content: queer erotica, sex blogs, community, recommendations, butch/femme, resources, writing, online community
A friend asked for recommendations for queer erotica online and it turned into a full survey of the landscape: where are all the queer sex bloggers who are actually writing erotica, not commentary, not toy reviews, not porn — but words? A curated list of favorites, with excerpts from each, that doubles as a love letter to the writers keeping this tradition alive.
10 Tips for Tops
November 30, 2014 · Content: topping, dominance, D/s, feminism, consent, kink skills, confidence, receiving, aftercare, community
There are many styles of dominance — paternal to vicious — but regardless of where you are, you can be better. This essay takes on the specific challenges of topping in a context of social activism and intersectional awareness, with ten concrete tips: from building a palette of permission to learning how to receive as a dominant to finding community that will support your growth.
Quick Anal Interview with Dylan Ryan
April 20, 2010 · Content: anal sex, interview, porn, queer porn, technique, lube, positions, Dylan Ryan, sex ed
Porn performer and anal enthusiast Dylan Ryan on lube (Maximus, hands down), position (a modified doggy she and her partner call the Super Dog, which removes the “blowing up like a balloon” sensation), and the best tip she has: do anal after you’ve already come. Direct, practical, and unapologetic — this is the kind of sex education the archive was built on.
The Outermost Bracket™: A Theory on D/s and Non-Monogamy
January 28, 2019 · Content: D/s, non-monogamy, polyamory, power exchange, authority, theory, relationships, ownership, negotiation
Both D/s and non-monogamy revolve around agreements — and when they’re both happening in the same relationship, those agreements can conflict badly. This essay introduces the Outermost Bracket theory: the question of whether your D/s exists inside your non-monogamy agreements, or your non-monogamy exists inside your D/s. Getting that hierarchy right changes everything about how you negotiate.
Methods of Control in Your D/s Relationship: Defining Rules, Tasks, Protocol, and Ritual
July 24, 2019 · Content: D/s, protocol, rules, ritual, tasks, power exchange, control, definitions, relationships, structure
These words — rules, tasks, protocol, ritual — get used interchangeably in D/s communities, but they mean different things, and the distinctions matter. Rules are the moral compass of the relationship. Protocols are the recurring if/then instructions of daily life. Tasks are one-time assignments. Ritual is the sacred and repeated. This essay draws the map so you can actually use the territory.
The Case For Not Being A Good Submissive
August 11, 2016 · Content: submission, authenticity, D/s, s-type, identity, self-knowledge, kink, power exchange, advice
The pressure on submissives to be perfect — to be good, compliant, to never push back or have hard days or make mistakes — is both unrealistic and counterproductive. The most valuable thing a submissive can bring to a dynamic is not perfect execution, but deep self-knowledge: knowing your needs, your triggers, your edges, and your truth, even when that’s inconvenient.
Kinky Summer Camps You Should Definitely Attend
June 28, 2019 · Content: leather community, kink events, body positivity, community, Desire, Boundless, California, outdoor kink, leather culture
Two weekends in June at outdoor kink events — Desire: Leather Women in Palm Springs and Boundless near Ukiah — and the same thought keeps arriving: I hope all adults get to do this. Not just the kink part, but the body acceptance, the freedom of presentation, the particular intimacy of a community that has decided, together, to be honest about what it wants. A field report and an argument for why you should go.
The Four Stages of Topping
October 30, 2014 · Content: topping, dominance, D/s, skill building, service topping, authority, growth, kink identity, self-awareness
When topping started, there was swagger over nervousness and an inability to receive. This essay maps out four distinct stages — or more accurately, flavors — of topping: from service topping where the bottom’s palette dictates, to authority-based dominance where the top acts from their own desire. The goal is to make the unconscious conscious so you can actually choose how you want to top.
Kink 101: Books, Websites, and Other Resources for Someone New to Kink
May 31, 2021 · Content: kink 101, resources, books, beginners, BDSM, leather community, education, recommendations, consent, negotiation
Someone asked for a trustworthy reading list for a person new to kink — not the rabbit holes of specific techniques, but the foundational stuff: consent, community, concepts, and how to get started. This is that list, with context for each recommendation, including Playing Well With Others by Mollena Williams-Haas and Lee Harrington, Kink Academy, and more.
To All the Tops Who Are Afraid to Make a Move
February 25, 2014 · Content: topping, consent, confidence, feminist dominance, green light, negotiation, flirting, D/s, kink
The problem: a feminist top who believes deeply in consent ends up doing nothing, because no clear green light has arrived, while the other person thinks, I thought they were a top — aren’t they going to do something? This essay is about how to break that stalemate: how to communicate interest, invite consent, and make your move without abandoning your values.
Cartography of Control: A Map For Areas of Dominance & Submission
December 31, 2019 · Content: D/s, control, protocol, power exchange, dominance, submission, mapping, relationships, structure, negotiation
How do you give over even more to your dominant? How do you take more? How do you start making rules and protocols outside the bedroom? The Cartography of Control is a framework for mapping out the areas of a submissive’s life — grooming, money, sleep, speech, dress, politics, and more — and sorting them into what they want controlled, what’s negotiable, and what stays theirs. A practical tool for stepping up a D/s dynamic.
You can be your strongest self AND a power bottom
September 17, 2016 · Content: submission, power bottom, identity, misconceptions, D/s, personality, leather community, s-type, strength
Casey ran a nonprofit, managed a Facebook group for queer survivors with thousands of members, worked a room at a kinky happy hour, and was charming and confident and funny — and everyone assumed they were a top. “People don’t see that in me, because they expect submissives to be cowering in the corner.” This essay takes apart the conflation of submissive personality with submissive desire, and argues that your competence and power in the world has nothing to do with what you want in bed.
“I know I’m submissive. But where do I start?” aka “I just read Fifty Shades of Grey and I want THAT.”
June 26, 2014 · Content: submission, beginners, D/s, kink 101, reading list, community, s-type, desire, getting started
Step one: read a fucking book. Not just Fifty Shades — read Carrie’s Story, The Marketplace, Mr. Benson. Read non-fiction. Go to your local feminist sex toy shop. Go to a munch. Find your people. This essay is a practical guide for the newly submissive — or the long-submissive who has finally decided to actually do something about it — written with the directness and care this question deserves.
D/s Protocol Ideas For You To Try
August 31, 2021 · Content: protocol, D/s, ideas, structure, dominance, submission, practical tools, card decks, protocol game, rife
When starting out in D/s, the question that hits almost immediately is: okay, but what protocol do I actually do? This essay is the brainstorming list that didn’t exist back then — dozens of specific protocol ideas across different areas of life, plus a protocol mad-libs structure to generate your own, plus an announcement of the protocol card decks rife and Sinclair designed to make the whole thing a game.
Follow your own Kinky Desire Map
December 18, 2014 · Content: kink identity, desire, exploration, D/s, community, process, growth, s-type, visual map, rife
What is the process by which someone goes from kink-curious to having a deeply satisfying kinky erotic life? rife drew it — literally — and this essay walks through the map: the spark of interest, the experiments, the community, the identity formation, the prioritization of desire. A visual tool for understanding your own kink journey and figuring out where you are and where you want to go.
A Personal History of Best Lesbian Erotica
February 17, 2016 · Content: Best Lesbian Erotica, literary history, queer erotica, anthology, lineage, reading, Sacchi Green, Tristan Taormino, memoir
Starting in 2001, haunting the bottom shelf of the lesbian erotica section at Twice Sold Tales on Capitol Hill, buying every edition of Best Lesbian Erotica available and ordering the rest. This essay traces a personal history with the series — which volumes mattered most, why, and what it meant to eventually become one of its editors. A love letter to the anthology that shaped what queer erotica could be.
Ask Mr. Sexsmith: I’m a sub, but my partner is not a dom. What do I do?
June 6, 2014 · Content: submission, D/s, relationship advice, incompatibility, non-monogamy, desire, needs, communication, Ask Mr. Sexsmith
Marie loves her partner but her partner won’t dominate her, won’t allow her to seek a dom elsewhere, and says she can’t bear to hurt her even if she enjoys it. The response is direct: “There is no reason for her discomfort to be more important than yours.” A video response plus written follow-up that takes the question seriously — not as a kink problem, but as a fundamental incompatibility of needs that deserves an honest reckoning.
