dirty stories, real life

Balanced On the Tip of My Tongue

Here’s a secret: I’m quite insecure about my ability to go down on a girl.

There are a few clear reasons for this.

The Ex, from the infamous LBD relationship, didn’t get off. I used to go down on her for hours, and … nothing.

Since she & I split nearly two years ago, I’ve been fucking around, and in my efforts to practice safer sex, I’ve only gone down either when we were fluid-bonded (rare), or with protection (also rare, actually).

And I hate to be “That Guy,” but going down on someone with protection just isn’t as fun. It’s hard to be detailed, hard to feel the right pressure or wetness or subtle, small ridges in the delicate tissue, which makes it all the more frustrating.

Going down on a girl, I think, is actually one of the most intimate sex acts. I will do all sorts of things before I’d go down, partially because of the fluid/safer sex issue, and partly because it takes a lot of vulnerability – for both giver and receiver – to have someone so completely focused with her face between your legs, your face between hers.

I also have a tongue piercing, and while I would like to think that it makes me more skilled at things like kissing and going down, but I don’t really have proof of that.  sometimes I am paranoid that I don’t really know how to use it, or that really it’s just getting in the way. I’d like to think it enhances what I do with my tongue, but I’m not really sure.

So because of these things, because it’s an intimate act for me, because I’ve been fucking around, because my ex couldn’t get off that way at all, I actually don’t have a lot of practice at it. No one’s ever told me I’m actually bad at it, don’t get me wrong – and once I know how to get a girl off, I can usually reproduce it in various ways: fingers, cock. It should extend to tongue, too, right?

But I’m insecure about it.

(I actually picked up Tristan Taormino’s DVD Guide to Cunnilingus at her launch party for her book Opening Up, but haven’t watched it yet. I should do that.)

So, on Sunday – after a lovely date with Penny on Saturday night where we watched the Sex and the City film, had dinner, drinks, dessert after, went to my place and kept each other up until 3am – we were lounging, satiated from a morning of breakfast and sex, talking about her plans to move to San Francisco.

Penny was lying tucked under my arm on the couch, and asked, “What’s on your mind?”

“Going down on you,” I said. I felt her body pulse in response.

We talked. Safer sex, my history, hers, why I don’t go down, that I wanted to with her. This conversation, inevitably, led to kissing, my mouth on her neck, clavicle, nipples, which was suddenly such a heightened sensation because we were both so aware of the idea of her clit in my mouth.

Pushing her into the bedroom, I stripped her bare swiftly, laid her out on the bed. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me to her in the sweetest gesture of vulnerability and desire; it was one of the strongest moments of the weekend.

“I want to taste you,” I murmured into the skin of her neck and cheek. “I want your clit in my mouth. I want to get you all wet, then fuck you, get my cock out and slide it in deep …”

(This was actually my backup plan in case I couldn’t get her off with my mouth. I had no idea if it would be easy or hard, if I was any good at it, if I could get her off this way at all. But at least I’m pretty good at getting her off with my fingers on her clit while fucking her, now, so that was the backup.)

Her back arched in response, pressing against me. Mouth opened, breath thick.

“You’re going to have to wait.” I said, pulling myself up and hovering over her. “Just for a minute, so I can get up and put my cock on.” She nodded, a tiny gesture, eyes wide and liquid and full, a look I see rarely on her. So sexy.

I rinsed my cock, fast, still sticky from fucking her that morning, and strapped on. She pulled me to her again, eager, kissing me open-mouthed and supple in a way that made me melt.

Softly, I slid my fingers inside her. Maneuvered down her body to touch my tongue to her clit. Light and soft with a wide tongue. I hadn’t had that close of a view of her cunt before, and she was beautiful.

She moaned. Whispered, “oh baby,” and I kept going. Looped my arm under her thigh and brought my hand to her pubic bone, pulled her cunt open with my fingers from above, leaving two fingers of my right hand inside, gently curled, light pressure and thrusting but not heavy. Just a little, just so she could feel it, just so she could feel stretched and full.

Her clit strained in my mouth, so clearly, so subtly but I could feel it, and I hardened my tongue and began moving it back and forth quicker. Pursed my lips around it to push the flesh away and let my tongue touch that one spot, that tiny spot, pulling back the hood and balancing her every nerve on the tip of my tongue.

Nude and strapped on, legs half-on and half-off the bed, I attempted not to let my hips shake and thrust involuntarily, but once she started pressing against my hand and mouth in rhythm I just couldn’t help it, my body responded accordingly. I wanted inside her, I wanted to fuck her, hard.

Of course, I didn’t move. Kept my mouth just where it was.

She tightened on my fingers and I pushed my fingers faster, a little fuller. Steady and thick with pressure against her gspot, pubic bone, the underside of her clit, I could feel it between my fingers – inside – and tongue.

And she came. Shuddering, gasping. Quickly, in fact. Sooner than I’d expected, thighs shaking, then her fingers around my wrist of the hand that was inside her and I pulled out slow. She pulled me up to her breast, pulled me to her.

I didn’t want to stop, not yet. I wanted her over and again, and again.

She laughed that little laugh that sounds like joy, the one that echoes in my mind after she’s gone. “I didn’t like that.” All sarcasm.

I laughed too. “I didn’t think so. Well good, because I didn’t like doing it.”

“I’m like a teenage boy,” she said, eyes open, skin bare, feeling exposed, referring to how fast she came. I pulled a soft throw blanket over us.

I kissed her again, soft, deep, she was so supple in that way that only a long day of sex makes you, and I could’ve done anything, for hours, could’ve done whatever she wanted, felt a superhero strength, an inexhaustive dominance that could’ve gone on and on.

Then there was my mouth back on her skin and neck and soon my hand back between her legs, the eager way she parts. Between her legs I gathered lube for my cock, but she was sore, a little hesitant when I slid inside her.

So I brought my mouth to her again instead. Slight tongueful of lube in the beginning, but I didn’t care. I caught her clit between my tongue piercing and the tip of my tongue and flicked it, kept it taut.

After a minute, I nearly panicked. What if I couldn’t get her off again? What if that first time was just a fluke, what if she was already bored? What if I actually wasn’t any good at this? What if I was being cocky thinking I would do it again, just like that?

And then I heard her moan again, baby, ohhh baby, which she rarely says, rarely calls me, and I worked my fingers inside her again, not too much but a little pressure, gently, sweet, tongue hard against the soft folds of her, eager, lapping, the ball of my tongue piercing tracing her hood, sucking her into my mouth.

So sweet.

And she came again. Pelvis and spine rolling on the bed, thrusting against me, thighs clenching around me and shaking, stomach contracting. I wished I could see her from far away, all of her, observe, watch the way her body builds and releases.

I wrapped myself around her again, kissing her, fingertips feather-light along her body, bare skin flushed and heated.

“I’m going to have to practice that some more, I think,” I said. She laughed and sighed, rolled to her side as I pressed against her back, cradling, and she pulled my arm around her, held it against her chest.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queer women" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert.

51 thoughts on “Balanced On the Tip of My Tongue”

  1. Jan says:

    You write so intimately, Sinclair. I feel like a voyeur. Delicious!

    And, I understand the insecurity about going down on Penny. I've only had one lesbian lover (who had no interest) and when I was in the receiving position, it didn't get me off.

    I'm at the very beginning of a new sexual relationship with a woman I've been talking by phone with for more than a year. Cunnilingus seems to be her favorite. Can I pleasure her? I'm nervous.

    Thank you for sharing your truth.

  2. funny, i almost included this in the post i just wrote: i am terribly – really, badly – nervous about using my hands, but i love going down on a girl. love. i've been known to get off on just doing that.

    i'm pretty certain i started off inclined that way, but i realized recently that my relationship with jake had a huge impact on it, because going down on her was the only way i could get her off. since then, it seems that maybe it was some kind of incompatibility, not just me being bad at using my hands, but it got to be such a huge issue to me that it is really hard to shake off. (but, to be fair, the same thing is largely why i am confident about going down)

  3. The first time I went down on a girl I was 18. I remember gagging and freaking out and my girlfriend, at the time, was a really big girl and could barely feel my tongue on her. She didn't get off easily either and besides, I was just a baby lover– I didn't know how to please. For a long time after we broke up my confidence in the bedroom was very shaky and I wasn't sure if I was good in bed because my first was so difficult to get off. I don't know when I became so tongue savvy but by the time I had my third girlfriend, I finally felt like I'd achieved a pretty decent bedroom status.

    There's something about going down on a woman that I can't get enough of. It's being so close to such a vulnerable part of her and.. almost worshipping it, I suppose. I love to run my tongue along every curve, test her waters, if you will. I love finding out what parts make her moan and which parts make her sigh. I love circles and I love ups and downs.. I love the rush of fluid against my mouth and chin and nose.. I love gripping legs and thighs against my face and running my hands along her stomach, back, and breasts as I press my mouth gentle or rough, depending on the mood.

    Confidence in cunnilingus is a learned art. It's about devotion and honor of the vulva. It's about savoring a delicate flower, tasting a delicious fruit. I'm always quite pleased when my current lover is a fan of oral because let me tell you, when they aren't– my tongue feels deprived.

  4. ahhhh Memories…….thanks for bringing up memories of past lovers..thanks!

  5. My life would never be the same without cunnilingus! Seriously! That is the best way to help me come, but you have to be open to direction. Dana (above) is a champ, and it's because she truly loves to do it. I'm sure miss penny is a lucky one, and I'm beaming with pride that you've been able to oncorporate that essential, stupendously soft and sensitive act of reverence into your life again.

  6. Essin' Em says:

    What a wonderful and inspiring post.

    I'm so glad it turned out so well for you. It's interesting how much experiences with one person can affect us immensely in all other similar situations.

    I think you'd be wonderful at oral sex…because you seem so conscientious and caring, and in this case, genuinely attracted to your partner, and I think those things are so much more important than general "skillz." You also have a fairly (amazingly?) good concept of how the female body works overall, and how it can differ person to person. So yeah, I could see you being quite good at it.

    I'm glad you and Penny are having such a wonderful time!

  7. Leah says:

    A very tantalizing story.

    I absolutely love giving oral – but I am so nervous about receiving, haha.

  8. leo says:

    "… I could’ve done anything, for hours, could’ve done whatever she wanted, felt a superhero strength, an inexhaustive dominance that could’ve gone on and on."

    i know, i agree. there is nothing like the hit from undoing her with pleasure. especially when it means you didn't need that back-up plan.

    the joy in this post was palpable & lovely to read.

  9. it's funny how our confidence about things can be so shaken by someone. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability with us, and THANKS for the detailed story…

  10. Zoe says:

    this is such a sweet vulnerable story. i'm much like lady brett – confident with my mouth and shyer about my hands, while my lover is the reverse. i love your description of feeling like you could go on and on…going down gives me that hit, that warm powerful feeling of having been welcomed into someone else's private space.

    tongue rings do not automatically give you skill, but they can be used for some fun tricks. (fun games with ice as the barbell will stay cold longer than the tongue. long teasing licks where the end of the ring will catch harder against the clit than the rest of the tongue. clit sucked in mouth, pulled rapidly across the barbell already aroused.)

    [Yes of course – they don't automatically give you skill, I should rephrase what I wrote: "I'd like to think that it enhances what I do rather than inhibits," or something like that. I'd like to think that I use it well. Thanks for your tips! – ss]

  11. Lina says:

    So beautifully written. felt like I was there. then made me feel voyeuristic.

    cunnilingus is one of those funny things. I have had one lover who has been particularly good at it. and I think that is because of the intense and obvious pleasure she got from going down. Makes all the difference.

  12. Colleen says:

    I'm often sort of "eh" about receiving oral sex, but I LOVE giving it. And I agree with Essin' Em, in that you are the kind of conscientious person that would be very good at pretty much anything in the bedroom, Sin. You're giving, you're caring and you really LISTEN to your partners, both verbally and non-verbally. That's clear to me from years of knowing you. So this whole insecurity bit? Get over it. You're better than that; don't let that crap hold you back. :)

  13. You're good at eating pussy, huh? Why am I not surprised, Mr. Hot?

  14. KM says:

    I absolutely love the raw honesty, the vulnerability, the bravery. Very sexy. Thanks for sharing.

  15. Desde says:

    Sweet jesus, I need to towel off my seat.

  16. cassandra says:

    So intimate & very, very hot. Thanks

  17. karen says:

    um. my comment is going to be offtangent, and probably weird, but i got teary-eyed after reading this.

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  20. cole says:

    Very nice store. On the opposite end, I remember how nervous I was at the thought of someone going down on me (before the fact.) I still felt a little unclean and.. uncomfortable about all my parts.

  21. Aerope says:

    When a woman goes down on me, for want of a better word, it feels holy. It is incredibly intimate, I feel worshipped and honored. It feels like a sacred act. To look down and see her glorious head between my thighs, to feel the warmth of her tongue, to feel consumed in an act of reverence. I love the way it feels, I love the way I come. I love the way she slides back up to me, smile on her face, proud of herself, her lips wet with me, and she kisses me… when she fucks me with her cock which I adore, I can come quite hard, and I love the face to face when I sit in her lap and straddle her cock. She can see my face and my eyes while she fucks me, she can watch me when I come for her, tangible evidence of my craving for her, my desire, my trust in her power to give me what I need. But cock feels like incredibly intense hot sex, cunniligus feels holy. Cunnilingus feels like a worshipful act, a sacred gift. Not sure how else to say it.

    On the flip side, I used to be pretty confident about going down until my current gf who has difficulty coming without a vibrator. It's hard to compete with an electrical device, sigh.

  22. nanc says:

    i have to say i loved reading this story. the first time i went down on a girl i was 17. i'd like to say i was great but i like i was actually kindof so-so then. over the years i have become quite confident when it comes to going down on a woman. i think the main reason is because i enjoy it so much, to feel her every move and fold, god it makes me want to go down on my lady right now! thanks for sharing, i love the vulnerability you shared with me. to me, i love it so much i absolutly cannot be with a woman who doesn't like being on the recieving end, it's too important to me, it's so personal and loving that i can't do without it.

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