journal entries

I want more.

I want more.

Crave it. Seek it. For every inch you give, I want two. For every mile you run, I want five.

It’s not that I’m never satisfied. I am. Maybe the satisfaction comes in the wanting, the striving. The way I give you a new edge and you nod and work and sweat and labor and your best comes from you, just a little more than you expected. That’s when I relax, and ask for it again. Again. Until your best striving is normal and I ask you for more. Always more.

That’s the point, more than the individual acts. I don’t really care if my house is kept precisely or if my water glass has ice and lime. I care if you’re trying. I care if you’re working for it, paying attention.

It’s not that I’m proud of this, exactly. I don’t say this to brag. This tendency often makes things quite complicated, adding unnecessary layers of needs and request—unnecessary to our day-to-day immediacy, but more necessary to my long term satisfaction. It’s why I moved to New York City, remember—I wanted things to be less easy.

It’s not that the work is the point, either, but that striving is the best way for me to stay on the edge. The brink of something new. The cusp of growth. And that is the broader purpose. When I keep you carefully balanced there, I keep myself balanced there too, in that place of holding your safety ropes, not certain exactly how far to push, exactly when to force just a little more, try just a little harder, you can do it, you can take it for me, just a little more, just for me, just for me. And when you do, when I push through that last resistance to open you just a little further, it opens up something in me to meet you, and we swirl, double-helix vortex, touching the infinite, touching god.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

10 thoughts on “I want more.”

  1. RL Renn says:

    Very fine. Thank you. Also, thank you for everything you have written. Sometimes , it is just nice to know that someone else feels what you do, thinks about the things that you do. This life we have chosen is not easy, and not easy for others to understand.

  2. rife says:

    “Maybe the satisfaction comes in the wanting. ” ….Uh. Yes. That.

    Thank you, Sir. You can always have it. I crave it. When you ask me to take a little more than I think I can, just for you, just for Daddy… It moves something so deep in me that I open up and I *can* Just like that.

    You expand me, Sir. Make me bigger and stronger and filled up and I love you. Thank you.

    1. Jacks says:

      This is beautiful. I love your love.

      1. rife says:

        For what it’s worth, I love my love, too.
        One of the best things about me, for sure. :)

        1. JacksofHearts says:

          The more I read the more certain I become that it is one of many best things about you! :)

  3. Claire says:

    The tension and energy you are writing about sound amazing. Living with that kind of force must be so intoxicating.

    1. rife says:

      Tension. Force. Energy. Yes. You summed it up well. Very intoxicating….

  4. Josie says:

    This is such a beautiful and compelling entry. Thank you.

  5. Jane says:

    Love this post.

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