How To Unlearn Patterns

I am a series of
stories and stories and stories
I tell myself and others
secret truths and whole-hearted lies
until they are more me
than the skin I wear. Some
stories are collectively lost, looking
for a home. Some stories leap
with fists locked tight enough
to fuck, some stories weep
and unravel the fabric of my
baby blankets. I am desperate
for meaning. Something bigger
than my wild and precious, stupid
little life. Some context for my
bleeding throbbing heart and cunt
and dick. Some balm for
this ache of mortality, of perfect
imperfection. Take me on as your
protege, graveyard; take me on as your
benefactor, temple. I seek to build
monuments to and out of love. I seek
to make meaning. I seek to make
movements. I seek to sit still, to smile,
to blink, to put pen to paper, to tell all.
Shh, listen. My story has gone out
to play.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

6 thoughts on “How To Unlearn Patterns”

  1. Ash says:

    this is beautiful.
    “i seek to make meaning. i seek to make movements. i seek to sit still, to smile, to blink, to put pen to paper, to tell all.” this last part resonates so strongly with me.
    as always, thank you for sharing.

  2. Laurel says:

    I’ve been writing and reading poetry since I was 10 years old and this is just amazing. Felt very moved by this…especially the “I seek…gone out to play” section. Have always felt like it flows through me when I write and not just out of me. Seems like it is the same for all writers. ;)

  3. Erin says:

    I really, really love this.

  4. Christine says:

    I like the way it works spoken; lots of beautiful s’s there in the beginning. Sibilance for the win.

  5. gradland says:

    “My story has gone out to play”…so beautiful.

  6. e says:

    This is good stuff, Sinclair. Seriously good. Thanks for sharing it.

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