Spanking 101

Someone emailed me recently with a question about starting to play with spanking, and after looking around online for a bit, I didn’t find much, so I jotted down my basic thoughts on the subject.

Here’s the question:

I was wondering if you know of any good resources for spanking. I have a friend who wants to get spanked and I said that if he wanted to, I would do it. Any tips? Handouts? Diagrams?

Babeland has a decent How To Spank article, so that’s worth a read. And there’s Rachel Kramer Bussel’s collection of erotica stories called Spanked and the corresponding Spanked blog.

This is what else comes to my mind:

  • Where to spank: Spank the fleshy parts of the ass & thighs, make sure to avoid the parts that are bonier like the little triangle coccyx bone right above the butt crack, the spine, or the kidneys. Basically, steer clear of the low back. Some people like to have sensation on the upper back and shoulder blades (though that perhaps is for later)
  • Start light: Start light with pats rather that swats or hits, jiggle the flesh even, warm it up, gradually increase pressure. Generally when I start I go light and fast, then work up to the big hits later, with full big arm strength, taking pauses and breaks between to press my body close, run my palms along the flesh to sooth it, and whisper sweet things
  • Hand vs Ass: So much of the pain is psychological, not about actual damage. It can hurt, but there are hundreds of teeny bones in the hand, and compared the big pelvis and femurs down there by the ass & thighs, the hand will get harmed way before it could do any real damage to those bones. Which is not to say you can’t bruise—you can—but that’s not the kind of damage I mean. Be sure to be reassuring vocally (or with pleasurable touches) as you’re getting heavier, and warm up slowly
  • Spanking to Sex: I tend to start spanking closer & closer to the genitals toward the end, working in some fingering in between spanks. That can be a nice way to segue from the spanking back to the sex play, and also when someone is turned on they can take a whole lot more sensation, so I tend to be able to hit harder then
  • Positions: Try a couple different positions: leaning over a bed with feet on the floor, on all fours, across your lap on the couch, hands high leaning against a wall. People have different preferences when both giving & receiving, so try out a few different things
  • Toys: My hand usually gives out before her ass does. Consider a little paddle maybe like this one, you can go for longer. ones that are flat and wide tend to be “thuddy” and ones that are thin tend to be “stingy”—usually people prefer thuddy ones, especially if they aren’t so experienced. Same rules apply for paddles

Readers, help me out here. Anything else? Any tips and tricks for taking or giving a spanking? Do you know of any online beginning spanking resources that I’m missing? How did you get into spanking? What’s your favorite way to get spanked? What are your favorite toys to get spanked with? Leave it in the comments!

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

6 thoughts on “Spanking 101”

  1. Holden says:

    Good advice. When I first started I spent some time hitting my own thighs so I could guage how hard I was hitting. I've also tested paddles etc that way as well. I think it helped me a lot but obviously everyone's pain threshold is different so it's just a guide.

  2. Communication, communication, communication.

    You have to know what your spankee's limits are. My girlfriend, for instance, likes to 'brat' and likes to struggle when being spanked. But I didnt come by that too easily, it took a while of me warming her up until squirming and then moving on to lovemaking, followed by her asking me why I stopped spanking so soon afterwards.

    It's all, at the end of the day, a game. I like using more esoteric instruments when I spank–I've used a clothesline with a knot in the end, a homemade flogger made of large-gauge rubber strips, a wooden spoon, even an incense burner in a moment of particular ingenuity.

    Paddling/flogging/spanking closer to the genitals when it's closer to lovemaking time is an excellent thing, by the way. I also like to make sure I get the place where the ass meets the thigh–she swears that the burning she gets while sitting is the sort of 'dessert' to the play session.

  3. I found it important to also take into consideration the strength differences between partners. I'm a lot stronger than my partner was and had to try and tailor my strength to her pain threshold. I liked to work from the ass to the backs of the thighs to the inner thighs and depending on how turned my partner got light slaps to the breasts were also appealing and may be something to try. I know you mentioned to leave the upper back for later, but personally I enjoy being slapped on the upper back much more than my ass or thighs. As a resource I've found certain links and articles on to be quite interesting (apologizes as I do not have anything in particular bookmarked).

  4. ~K says:

    My first spanking related toy purchase was a riding crop. I still use it to this day with new partners that don't have a lot of experience with being spanked because it's a nice way to introduce you to the sensation; not too rough but you can definitely still feel it ;) Plus, it's really cute and not intimidating to use.

  5. Sarah says:

    Give me a moment to collect myself after reading this ;)

    I do like it when my Butch spanks just above my ass. Makes my back twitch and sends a different tingle. But everyone is different.

    I have to say the best utensil we've ever tried was the leather belt! We have a flogger, and cattails…but that leather belt gives me a good *smack* from one hip to the next!

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