The personal ad I’m not posting


Tree-climbing dirty jeans and sneakers femme. Frisbee in the park and a picnic femme. Jogging in the rain femme. Dancing sober all night femme. Occasional martinis at home because it’s Tuesday femme. The come-fuck-me-now-eyes femme. Take me down femme. Turn over now femme. High heel shopping on a Saturday with lattes femme. Custom made jewelry femme. Beliefs and convictions and spiritual femme. Deep values of care and kindness femme. Recognition of your own shit femme. Able to articulate where you’re coming from femme. High sex drive femme. Occasionally needs to get roughed up femme. Always has a safeword femme. Just as comfortable in Chucks as you are in Maddens femme. Garter belt femme. Toolbelt femme. Brings me to my knees femme.


Chivalrous feminist butch. Suit coats and ties and wingtips butch, khakis and polos at work butch. Boycut #4 butch. Takes you out, then takes you down butch. Up against the wall in dirty alleys butch. Under the table at a fancy restaurant butch. Knows how to wield a paddle butch. Knows how to drive a stick butch. Packs most weekends butch. Always has a pen and a rock on me butch. Carries your shopping bags, opens your doors, offers my jacket butch. Stays up late talking or fucking or both butch. Love notes at work butch. Butler and Halberstam and Rednour and Hollibaugh and Bergman and Califia and Queen butch. Rich and Clifton and Siken and Oliver and Hafiz and Ackerman and Doty butch. Dapper dandy faggy butch. Hardcore respectful high butch.


Slow and steady love. Intentional, honest, and kind love. Responsible, passionate love. Both grounded and floating love. For each other and for ourselves love. Able to walk away at any time and be okay love, but we don’t, we stay because we want to love.

(I haven’t yet given up that you are out there.)

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

16 thoughts on “The personal ad I’m not posting”

  1. Why not? says:

    Post it. She might be looking for you, too.

  2. Jan says:

    Okay, I’m a barely past innocent 55 year-old sortafemme/andro with only one five-year relationship under my *uhum* belt, Sinclair. Although your description of yourself as a butch is hot, hot, hot, I don’t think I’m ready for some of those activities. Nonetheless I want/need to meet a butch woman!!

  3. Boycut #4. out and then down. a pen and a rock. notes at work. Butler and Halberstam. respectful high butch.

    why not posting it? i especially like the “us” part – grounded and floating. it’s very alluring, but perhaps to the wrong crowd? you’re a treasure, sinclair, and very deserving of the femme in question. hoping that the universe will present her to you, a pearl nestled on an oyster’s tongue, gleaming and rare. my heart is beaming peace and steadiness for you.

  4. Clare says:

    Two things:

    1) "Tree-climbing dirty jeans and sneakers femme!" Woot! Obviously, not a complete encapsulation (see the rest of your "You" ad) but huh…it's nice to get another clue as to where I might fit in this gender identity universe. Of course, I identify with as many phrases from the "Me" section as the "You" section, but I'm not in any hurry to solve this particular puzzle.

    2) I'm struggling with the line in "Us" of "Able to walk away at any time and be okay love." Is it possible to have that kind of love that is ALSO the deep, enduring ("slow and steady") love? In my admittedly limited experience, the loves I've been able to walk away from okay were, ultimately, not what I'd've wanted to live in. I'm in that place right now, in fact, with my current girlfriend…in love, trying to be responsible, wildly passionate, and very, almost brutally honest. Yet I'm not sure I could walk away and be okay; I WANT to be able to walk away and be okay, and I see some point on the horizon where I may HAVE to, but I haven't figured out how yet.

    Thanks so much for Sugarbutch Chronicles.

    [Clare – thanks for the comments. I love hearing that you've "got another clue as to where I might fit in this gender identity universe," that's beautiful. I'm curious about the parts of the "me" part that you identify with – is it more about topping or packing? Obviously I would want the reader of this ad (if we continue with that as the target readership) to recognize parts of the "me" section in order to identify with it, too, not just the "you" part. So I find myself wondering if you're a chivalrous femme, or a top, or what parts go along with that for you. (No pressure to share, just makes me curious.)

    The second part: what I mean by "able to walk away and be okay" isn't that it wouldn't hurt, or be hard, or be painful – of course, the ending of a relationship is a loss, every time. And I don't mean "be okay" as in "be unaffected or unfeeling." What I mean is that we both know we'd be okay standing on our own two feet, and what keeps us together is because we *want* to be there, not because we feel obligated, codependent, guilty, or responsible. – ss]

  5. muse says:

    oh. my. god. Sinclair, you are the butch bomb!

    this is beautiful, swoonworthy, amazing, gender forward, and so hot. well done.

    I think you should post this, but change the "us" part to what you're actually up for now, right now. which is, I think, more along the lines of dating, romance, sex?

    you gotta start somewhere, and if you find the right girl then of course you'll move on to what you really want: the big, responsible, grown-up, holds-you-up instead of tears-you-apart love.

    but really, do it, willya? I bet the femmes of cyberspace would agree, you owe it to some lucky girl out there. you've got a lot to give, hon.

  6. Katerina says:

    Post it! Other femmes and butches need to see that ad and realize that there is someone else out there who's looking for what they're looking for.

    I'm curious, why do you always have a rock with you?

    [I usually have a rock from one of the beaches where I grew up in Alaska – like a worry stone, I guess. Something to touch that sometimes reminds me to stay grounded. My sister says I have no earth signs in my astrological chart, which is why, she thinks, I collect rocks – I don't know if that's it entirely, but that's probably part of it. I like the weight in my pocket. – ss]

  7. Dev says:

    That was so romantic and beautiful. You make me want to move and become a femme just so I can date you :)

  8. Jill says:

    This is adorable. I am going to have to agree that you should in fact post it.

  9. cody grrl says:

    I keep trying not to write "I want you.", but it's the only thing I can think of. We have some issues though, like I'm not really femme. I can wear a heel and look hot, but that lasts only 30 minutes or so. Thanks for keeping me smiling and hoping!! I always have a rock with me too, I just wear mine instead. A moonstone.

    She's out there, my friend, looking for you.

    On a separate note, Sugarbutch Chronicles is a banned site at the air force base in Phoenix. I was "captured and logged", but I can get on any other lesbian site, including porn. What'd you ever do to the air force?

  10. Samantha says:

    Prepare to be overwhelmed with responses if in fact you do post that ad. It would definitely catch my eye.

  11. apple says:

    i could fall…

  12. Katerina says:

    Sinclair, that is an endearing quality that you have and just made me realize that I need to get a rock back from one of my roommates that reminds me of a friend.

    From a fellow fire sign, Happy Birthday. (I am way too not-with-it to send you shoe pics, though the ones you've posted are wonderful.)

  13. Harri says:

    this is just… awesome. i've been wandering around your site a bit since someone i barely know/am just beginning to know hit the nail right on the head by suggesting i might find it interesting.

    lots of the other posts have had me nodding in agreement, but this one just blows me away; mostly because of how much i can identify with it, but also because (along-side your recent posts about misperceiving), it's so encouraging to see someone writing about Femme and Butch as meaning what i see them as meaning.

    and the 'us' section? are you a fan of Rilke's letters to a young poet?

    [Thank you! So glad you found me, and thanks for saying hi. I am a fan of Rilke in general – haven't read Letters in a long time, really, but I should get it out again, there's some great advice in there. – ss]

  14. Leah says:

    I found your blog a few days ago and have been reading backwards in my spare time. I just wanted to say that this is really beautiful. It's nice to know that femmes are desired – I find that to most of the queer women I know, I am not "gay enough", whatever that is supposed to mean.

    Thanks for giving me hope! I hope I can find a sexy butch like you!

  15. rife says:

    You know…. Maybe it’s my years of expertise reading erotica where the genders don’t align with mine or those I like to be sexy with. Maybe I’m genderblind in print. Hah. But, it kinda sounds like me, a little. ;)

    (at least, the dirty parts)

    Glad you like me anyway, Sir!

    -your not femme

  16. ammre says:

    It makes me happy to know that people are interested in the kind of femme I am. My leatherman goes with me in my coatch wristlet purse. I play disc golf, rappel out of arena ceilings, and wear makeup because I like to while I do it.

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