Five Tips for Getting Laid

These tips come from my hanging-out-with-friends that turned into a date on Saturday night … and these are the Notes to Myself from that evening. Thought they might be useful to you, too.

  1. Make your bed, keep your sheets clean. Invest in linens. Not necessarily super-high thread count (though that’s lovely), but at least replace those sheets you’ve had since college, replace anything more than a few years old, invest in some sensuous throws that feel good against the skin. [To have a slightly feng shui moment: also, don’t keep your bed lengthwise against a wall (unless you absolutely have to – some Manhattan ‘bedrooms’ are really closets, I get it) – the bed should be set up with room for two, two nightstands, two reading lights, especially if you’re looking for that serious LTR. It’s a symbol that says you know how to make space for someone in your life.] Your bed is where the magic happens, baby. Gotta make it inviting.
  2. Pack. For me, it’s not only being ready, it’s the cock confidence for the evening – even if you go out on the town or out with friends without any expectation at all of getting laid, your cock may give you that extra push of confidence that will perhaps get you that phone number, make you ask her to dance, get a little more than a chaste “goodnight” at the end of the evening. If you didn’t pack, don’t be afraid to bust out the strapon early in the evening (see #3).
  3. Watch the signals, and trust your instincts. If you think she wants you to kiss her, she probably does. If you think she’s wondering when you’re going to take her home, she probably is. Just do it. Don’t dwell on it. Be bold. 
  4. When you’ve decided to take her home, don’t hesitate to splurge on a cab.
  5. Morning after: It is best to be able to offer something besides water. Keep coffee on hand, get a French Press (even if you don’t drink it).

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

17 thoughts on “Five Tips for Getting Laid”

  1. muse says:

    sumptuous bedding is such a turn-on, and I love your feng shui tips. you are a true renaissance butch.

  2. Wendy says:

    Along with coffee, *something* that works as breakfast is good to have too. A bit of OJ. Some milk. Cereal. Eggs. Maybe a frozen waffle or two.

    I always used to joke, about my over night guests 'They come for the hot sex, but they stay for the hot breakfast', because if there is time, and they are willing, I'll cook breakfast. Usually eggs and toast, maybe some sort of bacon. There is also an excellent diner right by the subway, so if I don't have something to their taste, we can get breakfast there.

    Also. Bedding. Yes. I make my bed every day, because you never know.

  3. Tess says:

    Damn! It seems like you’re my dream date. French press coffee and cabs…I’m sold.

  4. axe says:

    Number three is a hard one.

    I've been wrong about that one sooooo many times.

  5. Artsy Amy says:

    It is all about a decent looking bed. I went to someone's house one night after a great date thinking: "Its so on!" But, their bed look gross, and I made an excuse and left.

  6. Sinclair says:

    I don't like the sleeping-over part … but I like what you're saying, Wendy :) LOVE that 'come for the hot sex, but they stay for the hot breakfast' idea! hah!

  7. Essin' Em says:

    And how is one supposed to get laid if they have a queen sized pillow top with lovely black sheets, both a tea kettle and a coffee pot (even if they don't drink coffee), waffles, hell, a fondue pot, extra guest soaps/shampoos in the shower, is willing to go with the cab…

    …and doesn't pack?


  8. rascalgrrl says:

    And on the plus side for me, the dancing and bumping against a well-packed butch is just an amazing turn-on! Knowing the psychological cock has a prominent place in your psyche –and in your jeans–just makes me that much hotter. Oh, yessss.

  9. hussyred says:

    i love the part about "extra guest soaps/shampoos" that essin' em mentioned. i have those things too since the butches and bois i find landing up in my apartment rarely want to use all the flowery/fruity goodness of my shower contents. i figure after a night of hot fucking, the least i can do besides providing a bagel, coffee, and a kiss, is to make sure they don't have to shampoo their hair with something that smells like honeysuckle or lavender! plus, i think it's hella sexy for them to emerge from my bathroom smellin' all hot and masculine. swoon!

  10. glad to see showering in the comments! and also, the having basic, universal supplies (not "product") around. like some others, i prefer my hands/body/hair NOT smell like rosemary melon caper butter. i'd rather not eat that for breakfast either, come to think of it.

    other ideas about getting laid? pay attention, really listen. confidence is sexy as all hell.

  11. Dosia says:

    @axe: fwiw, i think the advice for a man would have to be a little different. we queer women have been being beaten down for our whole lives, told that our sexualities are shameful and wrong. thus, sometimes it takes some convincing to make us believe that someone could really want to kiss us, you know? being bold is a real issue for women; men are taught from infanthood that what they want it society's paramount concern, and that women are put on earth solely for their sexual gratification. women are taught to believe that they should accomodate a man's desire if at all possible (at least i was). so it's not quite the same situation, overall. the best universal advice? what tongue-tied blue said: 'pay attention, really listen'.

  12. I totally agree with Tongue-Tied, don't just wait to talk, actually listen to what she is saying. And yeah, I can't say it enough, confidence is everything. Who would want to fuck you if you don't even think you're worthy of being fucked? I can't imagine that someone w/o confidence would be that good in bed.

    Speaking of beds, mine is all about the sexy. Perfectly made at all times and is currently dressed with dark navy blue sheets and a brick-red duvet and shams. Delicious.

  13. To Dosia: I just now noticed that you commented a couple of times on my site a month ago and I never knew about it. I just wanted to say thank you for those beautiful words and I am sorry that it took me so long to notice. Know that honesty like that means a lot to me.

  14. Karl says:

    A bed! That's my problem! I need to get a bed. You'd think that'd be obvious, but this explains why I haven't been laid since Clinton was in office.

    OK, maybe I exaggerate. FEELS like it's been that long, though.

  15. saintchick says:

    I love all these comments ! I am all for the sleepover..and the next morning, that afternoon, etc.. hee hee

    But I am more likely to spend the night out.. rather than at my place.. it's a weird little thing with me.

  16. Yeah… what is the bottom, or non-packing type supposed to do in leu of strapping on? I’m thinking we should keep condoms/gloves on hand, even if you don’t expect to need them, or be otherwise prepared in appropriate under garments. Actually, that’s a good idea for everyone! Clean, newish underwear, is a biggie for me.

  17. Natascia says:

    Umm, so maybe someone has already asked you this, but how bout some tips on getting laid for us femmes? I mean, from your butch point of view. What does a girl have to do to absolutely make it completely unavoidable for you to want to get in her panties, hmm?

    [Very good question – I added it to my list of things to write about, I'll start thinking on it. – ss]

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