journal entries

I like submitting, but that’s a secret

Don’t tell that seriously hot piece of ass, DateDyke, but just between us, my confidence is slipping. She’s got double the votes so far, but aside from that … when I get around another top – a particularly skilled top, if discussion so far is any indication – it makes me all the more bottomy, all the more submissive. I become eager to observe her skills, and eager not to fuck up.

This is probably more about my psychology than my sex play.

Don’t mistake me; I do enjoy pain, I do enjoy submitting, I always have. I’ve never wanted to be the one who tops all the time. And in a one-time (or two-time, or maybe five-time) scenario, I would gladly negotiate bottoming. In the longer-term, though, I want to top most of the time.

It’s like that theory about relationships – if you talk 30% of the time, and listen 70% of the time, you just gotta find someone who talks 70% of the time, and listens 30% of the time.

Same thing applies to sex play, I think. I don’t really know what my topping/bottom ratio is, but probably something like 80/20 or maybe even 90/10. One in ten times, I’ll get under the flogger for you. One out of ten times, I’ll give you my ass. Sounds about right.

Here’s the interesting thing about what DD is doing, though – she knows how to treat me like a boy and a bottom at the same time, and the ways she treats me like a boy are expanding me, and so sexy, and I feel so matched and validated and complimented, that I’m all the more willing and eager to be and do as she wishes. Submitting is not in conflict with my identities when I’m treated boyishly. It totally makes sense – I just never quite realized that most of my submitting and bottoming experience was with the boy I dated for all those high school years. When I started dating women, I got more and more toppy.

I’ve never bottomed with a cock on, for example. I’ve never played with gender and submission quite in that way, and I want to.

She’s not gonna get away with not bottoming to me, sometime. I am salivating at the idea of that slow, hard fuck she’s gonna get. Hopefully it’ll be the return flight, though I’m not sure that’s guaranteed yet.

The other secret, if I may entrust you with it, is that I’d much rather bottom on the way up, because that means I have a higher chance of topping for the second playdate … though perhaps I shouldn’t admit that, quite this early on in negotiations. Never show weakness, right?

Yeah, that’s not quite my style. My heart may be newly behind barbed wire, but it’s still on my sleeve, regardless.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

7 thoughts on “I like submitting, but that’s a secret”

  1. I think I do something similar – when I'm around a toppy person I melt into submission, and when I'm around someone who's more of a bottom than me, I have seen myself get a little dominating. Although examples of the latter are sparse…

  2. dylan says:

    This entry couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I identify as a top but that doesn't mean I am a top 100% of the time, and I've really been struggling with that lately and what that means to me. I should write an entry of my own about this because I have so much to say. But I'm glad that we aren't letting labels confine us and hold us back from pleasure. I like the 90/10 ratio; that makes a lot of sense, as does the ability to bottom and enjoy it much more when the person who is topping you can still fully acknowledge your butchness. Mmmm. Sexy.

  3. hmm…i've always liked your comparison between dancing and sex, and it just popped into my head again reading this.

    once you get to a certain comfort with your dance ability it can really boost you to learn the other role. that is, if you are a follow you can become a better follow by learning to lead because you will have both perspectives on following. and, of course, vice versa. i wonder if it applies ;)

  4. Sinclair says:

    Very good point, Lady Brett. Thanks for that.

  5. was talking about this very thing this morning! for me, submission is so tied into straight sex. it was something i would do to objectify myself. it seems straight sex makes my attention go haywire in a million directions at once. i suppose that has loads to do with feeling safe, trusting. objectifying is one sure way to avoid being vulnerable, even when in tremendously vulnerable positions. a challenging bound position, a sound spanking forced my attention to get more with the program, to tune out those noisy doubts. with women, i find myself dominant and really not needing any distraction at all. the creation of sex just flows naturally, joyfully up and out. my mind is quiet, sure. it requires no supervision. both make me wetter than a rain storm, but can you guess which fills my heart near bursting?

  6. Memphis says:

    Perfect. I love the way you write. It's as if it's coming from the inside of my OWN head.

    A very dom person will get me craving, practically begging to be topped. Owned. Claimed, if you will.

    But other than that, I'm mostly top. I love being able to make others feel good.

  7. Lamb says:

    It can be frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who you are very compatible with in most ways, but incompatible across a dom-sub dimension. I believe in dom and sub almost more than masculine and feminine, and I think it's a part of everyone whether they notice it or not. Being able to "switch" with your partner is a wonderful experience, and it can teach you alot about how individual the ways that we embody roles are. Someone else's submissiveness can be a totally different flavour and make you think about your own.

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