PSA on being GGG

Alright, folks, let’s have a little chat, shall we?

It has come to my attention through a series of conversations with friends and lovers recently that, very often, we are not getting what we want in bed – but not for lack of trying. Many people I’ve talked to lately are saying that they are explicitly asking for what it is they want in bed, sometimes in the heat of the moment, sometimes beforehand, and their lovers aren’t doing it.

And, I mean, their lovers aren’t doing it out of lack of interest, or lack of being GGG (as far as I know). They are simply being non-responsive.

I have a motto for those of you who are this type of lover. Memorize it. Repeat it to yourself. Live it: you don’t have to tell me twice.

Come on! If a lover is bold enough to ask for something, which is no small feat – it takes guts! courage! lots of practice! to be able to ask for something that you want in bed. If they are bold enough to ask for it, you better well do it (unless you have an actual objection to the act).

When the Southern Belle said “harder, fuck me harder,” do you think I paused, thought about it, considered it? Uh, no. When Callie said “pull my hair,” did I decide to do it another day, later? No. And I’m not trying to say this to further prove that I am good in bed, all I’m saying is, it is a good thing when a lover requests you to do something. It means they’re comfortable enough with you to empower you to do more of what they like, which will make them all the more grateful to your fabulous skills.

So, people, repeat after me: you don’t have to tell me twice.


This has been a public service announcement for better sex. You will now be returned to your regularly scheduled Sugarbutch Chronicles.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

8 thoughts on “PSA on being GGG”

  1. Dylan says:

    So true. I absolutely wish more people would ask for what they want in bed, beforehand, during, in the processing afterward. I mean, sure I can cook a great meal without knowing your preferences, but it'll taste all the better and hit the spot FOR YOU if you tell me just how you like it. I think it's a huge turn on personally.

  2. Terroni says:

    I agree…it's a huge turn on. Why you wouldn't at least try to honor that is beyond me.

  3. lady brett says:

    i'd love to give a big amen to this, but instead i've gotta be honest: it's not that easy.it's not that i don't agree with you – i do! it's just that i guess there's more to it. i'm not quite sure how to explain it, so i'll just go personal – because this post hit me very personally.i spent the better part of the late 3 1/2 year relationship with some level of lingering guilt over the fact that i just didn't do as much for her as she did for me. despite, in some cases, specific requests. most of the time i was very good/responsive. but there were things i just couldn't do, and i don't know why. it wasn't a matter of having an objection to it. it was just a matter of being uncomfortable to the extent that i couldn't do anything – but not knowing why. i'm not sure i can explain it accurately, but it's at least kind of like that.i dunno. honestly, i'm not sure if this is self-defence or self-deprication, but i just wanted to throw this in the mix.i may also note that when you are asked "fuck me harder" or "pull my hair," it is (i gather) something you really like to do anyway.

  4. sinclair says:

    lady brett: of course, there is often more to it. I don't mean to discount that. and yes, the things I mentioned were things that I generally enjoy – if it's a request of something one doesn't enjoy, that's kind of a different thing. that's not quite what I mean. it seems the folks I've been talking to have been asking for things that their lovers seem quite eager/willing to do, but just … not then. which I don't get. and, granted, I don't really know what's happening for these lovers specifically – it was just odd that I was hearing about the same thing from a few different people at the same time.

  5. Zoe says:

    Absolutely. Life's too short to have mediocre sex, especially when your partner's honest enough to share that level of intimate detail. I'd start to question the value of the connection if one person's explicit requests are being disregarded in that way.

  6. linaria says:

    it seems the folks I've been talking to have been asking for things that their lovers seem quite eager/willing to do, but just … not then. which I don't get.Hm. For me, there are times when I don't have the physical or emotional energy for certain activities, and that's all there is to it. A specific example: my partner likes breath play. She'll often put her hand over my mouth or on my throat, and I generally enjoy it. But it takes a certain amount of emotional energy on my part, and when I've had a long day at work it might not be something I'm up to. On that particular evening, I might refuse her request, even if on another day I'd accept it. But you're saying it would be justifiable for her to be upset in such a circumstance?

  7. sinclair says:

    linaria: no, I'm definitely not saying that. if there's something someone doesn't want to do, for just about any reason, really, I think it's always okay not to do it – even if that reason is just "I don't want to, I don't know why." but these situations … my impression (granted, once removed) is that these people were saying "oh yeah, that's hot, let's do that sometime" and just not getting that the person requesting it wanted to do it now. all I'm saying is, if it's something someone requests, AND you are into it, why wait? why hesitate? go for it!

  8. birdonthewirenyc says:

    ggg = fuck yeah.

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