Kristen & Sinclair Answer Your Questions, Episode 3: “How Can I Be More Open About Kink?”

Kristen & I answered Laura’s question on video this morning from Seattle … hopefully our colds don’t make us sound too weird.

Laura asks: “I am a kinky queer femme bottom/sub and have read your blog for a long time. The thing that strikes me most is how open you, and also Kristen, are about your explorations and your celebration of your gender and sexuality. I am only 23 but have known I was queer and a submissive since pre-adolescent years, and it feels like I will never be comfortable fully expressing myself or finding my voice except with my partners, because I still get ashamed/embarrassed about all of it sometimes, especially when I think about my family or straight and/or vanilla friends finding out. How did you overcome those feelings to be more open, if you ever had them?”

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith is a genderqueer kinky butch writer who teaches and performs, specializing in sexualities, genders, and relationships. They've written at sugarbutch.net since 2006, recognized numerous places as one of the Top Sex Blogs. Sinclair's gender theory and queer erotica is widely published in anthologies like Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and online at Feministing, Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more; they are the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both published by Cleis Press. Sweet & Rough: Sixteen Stories of Queer Smut, Sinclair's first book of short erotic stories, was published in 2014. They use the pronouns they, them, theirs, themself, and live in Oakland, CA with their boy.

5 thoughts on “Kristen & Sinclair Answer Your Questions, Episode 3: “How Can I Be More Open About Kink?””

  1. E.E. says:

    amazing as always. I really enjoy these videos a lot. You both look super tired in this one though. I hope you get more rest.

    1. Sinclair says:

      Yeah we really are tired aren’t we :( I think it’s because we’re both battling a cold. Kristen has some actual antibiotics now, but I’m still pounding vitamins and I think I’m improving. Thanks E.E.!

  2. Laura says:

    Thanks for answering my question, guys!! This was great advice. I especially appreciate your mentioning how important it is to see my own identity reflected back to me, especially because of femme invisibility issues (NO ONE EVER BELIEVES I AM GAY. NO ONE). I partner only with (usually stone) butch tops, and naturally I want to talk to the people who actually understand who I am and my full identity, and then I sometimes feel like we are both unnecessarily burdened, them with having to serve as a sounding board for all my thoughts on kink/power/queer issues, and me because their experience of gender identity, orientation, and power exchange is so opposite from mine that it is, while always an interesting dialogue, not always especially helpful in figuring out my own “stuff.”

    And I will definitely be at Femme Conference so I’ll be sure to say hi! :)

  3. p says:

    honestly, i just think you’re both really awesome. bit of a vacuous comment… but a real, honest feeling.

  4. Dani says:

    Laura!
    If you’d like someone to connect with, I’m an invisible femme sub too! :) I’m always looking for people to talk to, bounce ideas off of, and reflect with.

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