standing up

I went to see therapist for the second week in a row last night. I relayed the story of this weekend, which I’m not going to get in to here because … it’s long, and personal, and seems like it would require a lot of backstory which I don’t have the time or energy to go through.

She said, and I quote: you need to stand up for yourself.

And, see, this is what I’m not comprehending about myself right now. This relationship has brought me a very different view of my own self than I’ve ever had before. For example, I would have said that I was articulate, good at communicating, appreciated conflict and dealt with it well. That I was extremely loving and doting and caring. I’ve never had anyone tell me otherwise.

I hate to shift the blame to her – it takes two people to have a relationship, all that, I know. But she has something happening deeply in her that I can’t reach, can’t heal.

And it isn’t my responsibility to do so anyway. Is this really what I want in a relationship?

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith is a genderqueer kinky butch writer who teaches and performs, specializing in sexualities, genders, and relationships. They've written at since 2006, recognized numerous places as one of the Top Sex Blogs. Sinclair's gender theory and queer erotica is widely published in anthologies like Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and online at Feministing, Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more; they are the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both published by Cleis Press. Sweet & Rough: Sixteen Stories of Queer Smut, Sinclair's first book of short erotic stories, was published in 2014. They use the pronouns they, them, theirs, themself, and live in Oakland, CA with their boy.

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