Happy 5th Anniversary, Sugarbutch! And: Ask Me Anything

Charles Demuth, The Figure 5 in Gold
Today is Sugarbutch’s 5th anniversary—I started this little personal online writing project five years ago, on April 29, 2006.

Oh so much has changed since then!

Though while I’m going back to see what I wrote last year, for the 4th anniversary, I’m still on that same path as I was then. Though my columns at CarnalNation.com and SexIs have ended, I’m still writing for AfterEllen.com, the Lambda Literary Foundation, and Good Vibes Magazine. I’m still keeping up with MrSexsmith.com for my speaking gigs, travels, and tracking my guest posts and interviews elsewhere, and still playing with Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and other social media. I’m trying to figure out what it is I’m trying to build, and where I’m going, but I have some ideas and things are coming together, I think. I’m still writing about my main relationship and the turmoils—and thrilling joys—of constant intimacy.

The biggest news, perhaps, is that I’m editing a book of lesbian BDSM erotica for Cleis Press, which I am thrilled about. Actually, that manuscript is due this weekend, so I have officially declared today “Smut Day,” because I’m editing and compiling and putting all the last minute details together.

I woke up wondering whether Cleis includes a dedication standard in their book, so I flipped through some books from my smut library to see what I could find.

my (abridged) smut library

(You’ll just have to buy the book to see whether I am able to include one or not.)

I’m really enjoying this erotica anthology editing process, and I think the collection is going to be fantastic. I can’t wait to share the final product with you all! I don’t have a publication date yet, but you will be the first to know as soon as I do. I hope to do more of these, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself—this one isn’t even done yet. (Getting closer!)

I’ve got some other things in the works, but I’m mostly just focused on writing columns elsewhere online doing some more editing, and traveling to do workshops and speak. I’ve got some exciting gigs coming up this summer!

And now, on to the Sugarbutch anniversary tradition: Ask Me Anything.

I get a lot of emails asking for advice or help or clarification or what my opinion is on something, and though I’ve never formally written an advice column (though I would be interested in doing so—anybody want to hire me for that?), I have kept up this “ask me anything” tradition for a few years now, so perhaps that’s where y’all get the idea to email me questions. I always put those emails in a special folder that I swear I will get to, when I have time, but y’all, I never have time. I’m sorry. I feel bad not replying to your personal crises, and sometimes I write back to say “I’m sorry I can’t answer this,” but there are only so many hours in the day and any of those extra ones I would like to spend kissing my beautiful girlfriend rather than answering even more emails.

This is why I do not have an “ask me anything” on tumblr. They are very time consuming.

But! This is your opportunity! Got a question you crave to hear my advice about? Did you email me and I never answered (sorry)? Here’s the deal. Leave a comment on this post and ask me whatever you like. You can ask anything, from personal details about my life that you’ve always wondered, to questions about advice for sex toys or your relationship, to philosophical musings on identity, gender, or sexuality theory. The shorter and more specific the question, the better.

I will answer every single question asked by the end of May. That is my vow to you, especially since last year they dragged on and I didn’t answer them until the end of October. Read back on some of the former “ask me anything” questions if you like.

Apparently the 5th anniversary tradition is wood, so, well, try not to make too many jokes about that.

So go ahead—what do you want to know? What are you curious to read my thoughts about? What have you always wondered? What kind of dirty things will you get me to reveal?

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

33 thoughts on “Happy 5th Anniversary, Sugarbutch! And: Ask Me Anything”

  1. Jen says:

    How are you going to celebrate official smut day?

  2. Kyle says:

    Ok, seriously, you’re going to mention ‘wood’ and not expect some of us to go there? In honor of your fifth year, I’m wishing you a Happy Woody today.

    My question, which may have been answered in some previous post that I don’t remember is this:

    Where did ‘Sugarbutch’ come from? Is it a nickname? A term of endearment? A random word paired with ‘butch’?

    And, because I’m feeling greedy/generous, another question, this one a little more serious. What is one piece of advice you’d give to a newly identifying butch. Would it be something about relationships? Or maybe fashion related? Something deeper about identity, gender and sexuality? And if you don’t want to be limited to one piece of advice, go for it.

  3. Meridith says:

    I’m excited for the anthology and your turn at editing. I’ve read some of your other published pieces and of course this blog so it begs the question: What is YOUR favorite smut to read? Got a favorite anthology? Author?

  4. babybutch says:

    My girlfriend totally knows how to get me off, but I’m nervous that I’m not doing enough for her sexually. We’re very honest with each other, but I worry that she’s not saying anything because she’s afraid of hurting my feelings. What kind of sexual activities would you recommend for the relative novice? What did you “start” with when you were just beginning your sex life with women? I think my biggest problem is (lack of) confidence.

  5. Siouxie_Suse says:

    Love that you have lube as a bookend in your abridged smut collection! Happy 5th anniversary and happy editing!

  6. Sinclair says:

    Siouxie—That blue bookshelf doubles as my nightstand (that’s the bed there on the right with my red sheets). It’s mostly because the cats knock it down, so I leave it in there instead. Very handy.

  7. Siouxie_Suse says:

    that makes sense. cats are trouble.
    actually, I do have one question – did you ever get to talk to Joan Nestle about the fem/femme question? I met her at the Lesbian Lives conference a couple of months ago in Brighton but was too starstruck to do much more than blush. would love to hear more about this strand of your work, but appreciate it might be on the backburner right now!

  8. Tuesday says:

    What’s your advice on positions that work for strap-on sex between people of very different heights? especially taller person receiving

  9. MSE says:

    Like Tuesday, I also have a question about strap-on sex. Whenever my girl and I use a strap-on, the cock always falls out because I move entirely too much. We’ve tried numerous positions and restraints (we rarely have sex without them). Got any additional solutions?

  10. Scorpiopixie says:

    Awhile ago, you answered my emailed question with thought and kindness and really great advice. Just wanted to reiterate my thanks.

  11. rhapsodyblue says:

    I’m a FAAB genderqueer pansexual in a long-term monogamous relationship with a straight cissexual guy. I adore him, he accepts who I am and we have a wonderfully fulfilling and communicative relationship overall, but I occasionally feel strange and almost guilty that I’m in a relationship that masks my queer identity, one where I can “pass” as a straight girl.

    That was setup. My question is, how can I best nurture and feel fulfilled and at peace with my queer identity within the context of my relationship with my straight, cissexual sweetie?

  12. Lea says:

    can you describe just what makes your girlfriend the most amazing partner you’ve ever had? i love a good love story! x

  13. A.A says:

    Can you tell us about your most favorite spanking you have ever given?

  14. ExperimentallyCurious says:

    What was your first time strapping like? What advice do you have for strap-on virgins? My butch just placed the online order for her first cock, and I have no idea of what to expect.

  15. j-femme says:

    Happy Anniversary! I think I’ve been reading almost that long!

    You posted something that looked like a pie chart once. It dealt with something like life goals, or values, or time management as it relates to life goals or values–that I remember being really interested in and haven’t been able to find since on your site.

    It was like a non-cheesy “self-help” book (sort of). So my question is– do you have any idea what I’m talking about and what the name of the book is? And barring that or with that what are some nonsmut, nonfiction books you use for personal betterment?

    thank you muchly!

  16. Monday says:

    First of all, just want to say that I love your blog.

    You get really emotionally and sexually candid (even graphic) in some of your writing. I’m wondering if any member of your or Kristen’s family reads this blog. Do they even know it exists? How much do your families know about this part of both of your lives?


  17. Pippa says:

    First: Love your blog, have loved it for a couple years now.

    Question: So I’m your typical woowoo sex-positive vagina-loving queer chick who’s well read and well-practiced when it comes to orgasms…by myself. I have the damndest time coming with a partner, and it happens rarely if at all. Though I always reassure them that it’s about the journey, not the destination, and I do genuinely enjoy sex without orgasms, deep down I feel really inadequate and kinda broken. What can I do?

  18. Amanda says:

    can you please post the words to the advice to the new butch poem?

    1. Sinclair says:

      Amanda—I will, someday. I’m trying to figure out how to do that without just giving it away … possibly will release it as a mini ebook (along with other poems? not sure) on a sliding scale.

  19. Newbie says:

    My partner and I are new to strap-on sex. We both love the idea of blowjobs, but I have no idea how to go about it without feeling supremely stupid. Help please! Could Kristen maybe give her perspective on learning to do it well?

  20. J says:

    Happy (belated) Anniversary!

    Today is still May, so I might be lucky and you will answer my question… :-)

    Well, you seem to know how it feels to take long to come, right? At least this I gathered from a couple of comments on the blog.

    I would love to know how you work(ed) through this: Do you see it as a problem? Do you have any advice on “speeding up”?
    I would just love to be able to, but don’t seem to make any progress (while not putting pressure on me), being alone or with my partner.

  21. Josephine says:

    Do you have any advice for women who take a long time to reach orgasm? Specifically, who find it difficult to connect with their clit because it isn’t a cock? my girlfriend says that she is happy to remain a woman but is frustrated with how long it takes and often doesn’t feel satisfied with sex unless she has an orgasm.

    I hope that made sense.

  22. S. Elle says:

    Oh, oh, I have one. *raises hand*

    Long story short, I started an erotica and sex blog almost a year ago on a whim. I’d really lost touch with my sexuality after my last relationship went sour, and as someone who is highly sexual, I missed that aspect of my life. I knew going in that I would have “slumps” — times where I didn’t feel like writing or talking about sex. How do you get past those moments? For example, if you’re not feeling very sexy in your personal life, how do you continue writing erotica, reviewing toys, and talking about sex and sexuality? I always end up coming back to this, but I’m curious if you have any tips. I know my writing and interest peaks when my personal sex life is great, so in a way, I’m also asking about that — how do you handle it when work and life tie together?

  23. Hello Mr. Sexsmith,

    As a happily married 20 something femme who is still excited about expressing my great love for butches of all sorts, I recently noticed an older (20+ years) butch I saw working at a flower nursery. I want to approach her, but I am unsure how. Maybe she’s not even a dyke. I have several problems: A) I am afraid she may think I am a clueless hetero woman (for example, by saying she’s handsome I could be mistaking her for a man) B) The words beautiful, gorgeous, attractive- standard come-ons- all seem fairly feminine and potentially offensive for a butch, and C) I don’t want her to think I’m being sarcastic instead of genuine.

    What way would you appreciate being approached by a stranger in a (presumably) straight environment? What could a femme say to let a butch know how truly appreciated they are?

  24. Cassie says:

    I know this is a bit late but I’ll ask anyways. My girlfriend (of 3 years) and I have decided, after many conversations and a lot of thought, to transition to an open relationship. I would love to hear any advice on the subject of open relationships/polyamory that you have.

    I love your blog and really appreciate the balance of smutty goodness and relationship/life contemplation.


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