this is how I want you:

slow. deliberate. measured. languorous. torpid
bordering on excruciating, with kisses that
keep you counting the millimeters between
our mouths (six, four, three), counting
the breaths it takes before my hands
move from waist to shoulders up your
back (five), counting the heartbeats elapsed
to wrap my fingers around your upper arms,
tighten my grip, and press you back against
the wall (124 with occasional tachycardia). you

remember what it feels like to be overtaken,
don’t you, to become supple in my arms, to
struggle until you can do nothing but give over,
become empty for me to fill you everywhere.
because I know that’s what you want, that’s
how you forget yourself, that’s how I forget
myself too, perfect moments of being wrapped
inside you, safe, enveloped, protected, a return
to some place quiet and sacred where the red
burgundy sooths all with muscle and strength.

I will make marks on my wrist so I can measure
how far inside you I can reach, today, tomorrow,
now I can feel the underside of your heart, the
cellar door of it, I will pen the walls with beauty
beauty beauty until it radiates out of your pores,
graffiti seeping from inside. I’ve felt your fingers
thrumming my own atria, those upper chambers
of my heart with their glass doors and misting
humidifiers and weeping plants, I think you know

what it is you cultivate in my chest when your
knees go weak, when you sink your eyes
away from mine and slide back to check if I am
still holding you. I am, I am, my arms never leave
that curve of your shoulders, your hip, the way
you crush against me when I open wide, making
room for every inch of your skin against mine. you
quicken my heartbeats, not something I am used to,
but this means I can be stronger, pump more blood,
stay up even later, fucking and loving till dawn.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

17 thoughts on “Tachycardia”

  1. Skully says:

    DAMN IT Sinclair…LOL

    I love this..an it is like wow you just wrote about how my girl makes me feel..

    this is soooo cool I hope someday me and my girl can meet you and Kristen.

    have a great weekend

  2. Sir, this is a truly beautiful peace. One of my favorites of yours in a while, and even moreso because it's an honest love letter.

    ::bows in gassho::

  3. violet says:

    worlds in worlds.

  4. "…loving till dawn" what could possibly be finer? fimg x

  5. This is so so beautiful. I'm very happy for you!

  6. Mugsie says:

    Disarming, beautiful, and sexy!

  7. Empress Jeneya says:

    You definitely know what to say to get her excited…

  8. Caitlin says:

    One of the most beautiful love poems I've ever read. Thank you.

  9. Gray says:

    Wow, that was a very sexy and beautiful poem.

  10. e says:

    This is one of the best things you've written ~ maybe ever. Really, really good. Actually beautiful. I will re-read this one many times. Thank you!

  11. MakingSpace says:

    Gorgeous. Thank you so much for this.

  12. girl2grl says:

    Wow, that sure made my heart race! Thank you for sharing.

  13. ani says:

    Lovely writing. Full of life and waves of love.

    Very moving.

    It seems like so many of the blogs I read have turned into endless toy commercials. ( I guess the free swag is intoxicating) It is so good to read something that reveals the heart.

    All the best,


  14. Di says:

    Wow. So personal and intimate, yet resonates with me and my lover/partner. Thank you for sharing this with the rest of us.

  15. This was so beautiful…..

    So beautiful.

    Thanks for sharing.

  16. A. says:

    I can’t remember when it was that I first read this, but I still find myself coming back to look for it again, scrounging around for the proper search terms to relocate it when all I’ve got is a vague memory. It’s just so perfect.

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