journal entries

falling in love is still cheating

I wrote a post about Callie, and how we met, how we started dating, over at The Lesbian Lifestyle for their March discussion topic about cheating (see how I got it in under the wire? Seriously, it was practically 11pm on March 31st before I finished writing it. Ah, deadlines): falling in love is still cheating.

The beginnings of the relationship with her was quite a good story, it’s one I almost enjoy telling, except for, of course, the unfortunate way things turned out. Regardless though, it was interesting to revisit that part of our relationship and remember how excited I was to find her.

If you’re new to Sugarbutch, this short essay might be a good introduction to the 139 “A girl: Callie” tags and the six month relationship that required that I write every day in order to try to figure out what the heck was going on in that girl’s head. (Though this TLL post is definitely the short-n-sweet introductory version – the post ends with the time when we start dating, so none of the actual relationship is in there. Whew, not sure how to even start writing up a short-n-sweet version of that.)

At this point, nearly a year after we split, I just feel kinda sorry for the girls who walk around with this kind of filter on the world. Unfortunately, I can’t quite forgive her or wish her well, I’m still too bitter and feel so damn wronged, but I can firmly recognize it as a burdon she bares. I’ve seen and heard from many other women who have said “wow, I’m so like Callie” through the writings on Sugarbutch and my discussions with friends, and that makes my heart hurt a little. It’s such a long, difficult process to heal ourselves sometimes, and the particular coping mechanisms Callie has picked up along the way seem to really hurt her more than help.

(Not that I don’t have some of those myself – surely, I do. We all do. Hers just seem … more pronounced, perhaps, and more malicious.)

Here’s hoping we can all become aware of, and perhaps eventually get over, our own shit.

Donate to RAINN & let ‘em know I sent you – add  “GBBMC2008: Mr. Sinclair Sexsmith” in the information box. (Why?)

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

4 thoughts on “falling in love is still cheating”

  1. "At this point, nearly a year after we split, I just feel kinda sorry for the girls who walk around with this kind of filter on the world."

    Please elaborate, darling.

    [Ah, good question. It's hard to explain (which is probably why I glossed over it). What I mean is, Callie sees things in a very particular way, with a particular filter, a particular m.o. that guides and dictates her actions and emotions and understandings of things … especially in terms of needing (craving, surviving on) external validation of her worth. Many girls have said to me that they empathize with Callie's perspective when I've told these stories (some of them saying, 'wow, I can see the kind of affect it has on those around me now, thank you') and that saddens me – I want to wish them solid senses of self-worth and adequacy. – ss]

  2. muse says:

    I loved reading your excitement at the new love, outcome notwithstanding. relationships might go sour (as Dan Savage says, "every relationship fails, until one doesn't"), but there's nothing more inspiring and enlivening than that first part of love. it almost makes all the messy crap that comes later worth it. and really, your first kiss was set against the backdrop of literal fireworks? no wonder you were done for.

    I understand why you feel bad about the way things ended with The Ex, but it sounds like you were up against a wall there. sometimes things get so wrong that you can only run away. grade yourself on the curve for that one. LBD makes people crazy, yo.

  3. I just read the story and you did such a great job at capturing that time and managing to keep short something that was so complex.

    I feel that falling in love with someone else is worse than just having a physical affair. Fucking around is one thing but being in love with someone else is tormenting on a constant basis. Even if you stay in your current relationship, you are not really there, your heart and soul live in someone else.

    One more thing, this LBD thing used to scare me, but I’m hitting the two year mark with my girl and it just keeps getting hotter. I see no signs of slowing down. Perhaps it’s all about chemistry.

  4. Carly says:

    I think it's an incredible service for you to write about this in a way that makes people clue into their own madness. You may have gone through pain… but it's clearly for a greater good… which may not be any comfort when there's still a knife in your heart, I know.

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