journal entries

in which there is a hurdle

So. Miss DD and I are talking and chatting and falling.

I sent her flowers on Friday. She called me at work and climaxed on the phone, let me listen. (I was immobile, unable to say anything or join her, torture, so fucking hot.) She’s talking about coming to see me, stay with me, here in New York.

And here we’ve run into a hurdle: I had a date on Saturday night.

I was tempted to cancel the date, scared to tell Miss DD that I’d set it up at all. It’s with someone I don’t know (yet), someone who answered a personal ad profile and who is intreaguing.

I am not sure how to navigate this dating-other-people-while-falling thing. Seems so dangerous, our hearts both on the line. I am (probably overly so) concerned with her feelings.

I guess I’ve decided that all I can do is be honest and open, kind, as best as I can. It sounds like a simple strategy, like staying present, but is so very difficult to practice.

We talked about it. Miss DD and I both agreed that it’s a good idea to see other people, but that we’d like to know before the elaborate sex story gets posted on the blog, and would like to know if or when it gets serious. Seem like fair guidelines so far.

So I went on the date.

The girl was bold and sometimes brash. She’s new to dating butches. Called me a chauvinist. (Which, of course, is a quote out of context – it wasn’t quite as bad as it sounds.) Maybe I should have said, masculine is different than chauvinistic, but instead talked about what it means that I’m a feminist, how I believe in gender theory, and what it’s like to be butch, to date femmes. That was when she started stroking my hand, and giving me those smoky eyes.

She’d like to see me again. But here’s the thing. I kissed her, and went back to her place, because she asked me to, because I could. And that’s how I’ve been operating on these dates the last six months or so: taking the opportunities presented to me. But honestly, I’ve learned that there are more opportunities than I have time to take, and that I shouldn’t necessarily take all of them, though it’s hard to know which ones will be the most valuable. They’re all valuable in their ways, of course; but I’m finding some patterns, and I’m learning that I can, and should, be more discerning.

And right now? I am kinda into Miss DD. (Kinda a lot.) My head’s all aswirl with her and this predicament: she’s far away. I want her to be with me.

DD’s friends advise her that perhaps seeking out more than one person means you haven’t met the right person yet. Yeah, maybe. Or perhaps it means circumstances just aren’t quite right. You gotta make due with what you got, right? You gotta boogie where you are, you can’t boogie anywhere else.

So, for now, especially given Miss DD is planning to come visit me soon (eleven days), I’m not going to make any dates. This is my own idea, not hers, she is not pushing me for this. I just don’t know how to reconcile falling for her and dating other people in my head. There’s too much happening in there, I need to eliminate some of it.

We’re working on the beginnings of some conversations about being poly, and what that means, and how this will work between us, and obviously this will be something tricky to negotiate, but it is not impossible.

This girl matters to me. I don’t know how she did it, how we did it together, how we got our hearts into this mess, but she & I are problem solvers if we are anything: we can do this, talk it through, check in with ourselves and each other, figure it out.

Tonight, I’m feeling hopeful. And I can’t wait to see her again.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

8 thoughts on “in which there is a hurdle”

  1. Jan says:

    Go for it!! I believe in love.

    SARK says Love with all your faucets on! Yay, Sinclair!


  2. dylan says:

    Love is so confusing and hard and overwhelming… and it sure it is a lot of work sometimes, but when it is right, it is so right. And thank god those feelings, those bigger than life feelings can carry us through the struggle.

    Navigating poly isn't easy, but you already know that. Sometimes I feel like I grow more in one day than I have in years and those growing pains are intense (almost too much at times), but you wake up each morning and you're still there, you're still loving, communicating, struggling, working, understanding, reflecting… there is a lot of reward in that. In taking on what others say you can't, what even you believe you can't sometimes, and making it work, moment by moment. I know we've talked a lot about this, but staying present really is the only way to go. Moment by moment, breath by breath.

    I'm wishing for those beers and that dock so much my friend.

  3. Molly says:

    You know you can talk poly with me anytime, babe. Not only am I an excellent femme spy, I am also quite experienced with poly troubleshooting. I'm like an IT department for polyamory. ;)

  4. Falling is wonderful. And falling with distance and dating and difficulties … well, there it's great that along with the falling is the talking and chatting.

    I think you and DD will do fine, no matter how your relationship works out, because you're talking. That's the way to successful poly. Hell, to successful relationships :)

    I'm rooting for you – I think you and she are a fantastic coupling.

    xx Dee

  5. You know how I feel about this whole falling and far away-ness (I think). Anyway, Im cheering for you, Sin. Cheering for this to work out in whichever way it needs to for both of you because I think you are both pretty damned great. Much love.

  6. I don't know the rules, so here's what I think. Having another date while the relatioinship has yet to be defined – and has so much distance involved – may not be a bad idea. If anything, it has shown you how you really feel.

  7. Rona says:

    My personal experience has been that while I can do poly pretty well once the relationship is figured out (or with a New Shiny relationship on top of stable ones) that trying to date other people while in the midst of falling for someone just doesn't work for me. I know very well that other people differ on this, but when I'm falling, and falling hard, I just don't have that much interest in exploring other people. I want to be focused on That One Person, even if they're not physically accessible, and other dating is just a distraction. Which is all in a manner of saying "this is lovely to watch from the other side of a computer screen and I wish you the best of luck in not only figuring out what makes you happy, but doing it."

  8. linaria says:

    I'm with Rona. It's too overwhelming for me to date several *new* people at once–my emotional wiring starts to smoke and fizzle. And I figure, there are always new people in the world, it's not like I won't be able to find someone to date in a few months or so, once I've settled my heart a bit.

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