journal entries

how much my heart can take

heart lady

A 23-year-old British woman recently had a chance to look at her own heart on display, part of The Heart exhibition at the Wellcome Collection in London.

She had the heart transplant at Papworth Hospital, Cambridge, three months ago after a diagnosis of cardiomyopathy, a potentially fatal condition in which the heart walls stiffen. Her first reaction on seeing the old heart was disgust, but later she described the experience as slightly surreal. She said: “Because it was mine, I was like, wow, that’s my heart. I just couldn’t stop grinning. It’s odd to think that I stood here alive, and that was part of me once upon a time.”

– From the London Times Online, 9/1/07

This is the mix for DateDyke, which she (thank the heavens!) received yesterday. I made an elaborate cover (including that photograph and quote, above) and insert, with a few sentences on why I chose each song, but which are kind of special for her, so I won’t include that here.

Here, however, is the tracklist to the new year 2008 mix called how much my heart can take:

    1. Electric Light – PJ Harvey
    2. Wicked Game – Giant Drag
    3. Preparedness – The Bird & The Bee
    4. Sexual Animals – Sarah Fimm
    5. Love Me Like a Man – Bonnie Raitt
    6. Closer to You – JJ Cale
    7. Warm – Kinnie Starr
    8. One Big Love – Patty Griffin
    9. Please – Tristan Prettyman
    10. Headlock – Imogen Heap
    11. If I Was Your Man – Joan Osborne
    12. Tear You Apart – She Wants Revenge
    13. Yr Love – The Butchies
    14. The Fear You Won’t Fall – Joshua Radin
    15. Did I Imagine You? – Dot Allison
    16. Sweet The Sting – Tori Amos

And if you’d like to download these songs, I stuck ’em up at YouSendIt, tracks 1-7 and tracks 8-16. YouSendIt allows 100 downloads of each file, so if you get to the file and you can’t download it, let me know in the comments and I will reupload with a new URL. … Though maybe not until after Miss DD is on her way back to Seattle on Tuesday. I might have better things to do this weekend than upload mp3s. Maybe. Just sayin’. I’m sure you understand.

9 hours, 45 minutes.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

8 thoughts on “how much my heart can take”

  1. Jan says:

    Hi Sinclair,

    I'm holding you and Miss DD in the light of lovesex…… Have a wonderful long weekend!

    I downloaded tracks 1-7. Will have to download the rest when I return home. Thanks for making the MP3s available. Wicked Games has long been a favorite of mine. I LOVE Closer by JJ Cale.

    Breathe and have fun!


  2. 00 days, 04 Hours, 25 Minutes
    ::: grin :::

  3. sending peaceful, calm thoughts your way.
    i think you're going to be just fine!
    pleased to see miss kinnie made the cut

  4. dylan says:

    Three hours. God.

    I listened to the CD you made her, straight through. It's beautiful. You must feel something beyond intense to have been able to put that together so perfectly. Enjoy this weekend, really really enjoy this weekend and don't think about the end.

    Love her when she's there, don't miss her until she's gone.

  5. Essin' Em says:

    I wish you beautiful time together

  6. Robin says:

    Much love and laughter! What a wonderful list – one I am sure she appreciated.

  7. jen says:

    Sweet mix – I'm loving it.

    You got a mix for a broken heart? Just got my heart trounced by my very first girlfriend…feeling zen about it, but a good mix of music goes a long way :)

  8. chezjenne says:

    Damn! I'll bet those two are heating up the city this weekend with their mad love!!

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