journal entries

busy practicalities

As I’m sure you can see by the countdown clock in the sidebar, Miss DD is landing in New York City in 1 day, 9 hours, 22 minutes.

I’m, uh, getting nervous. Spent last night readying the apartment, washed the sheets, boiled the cocks (again), organized my closet, did laundry, swept the floors. In fact, the apartment is just about ready. Tonight, I have a long list of errands to run, ranging from 1. get my nose stud properly coiled so it stops falling out of my nose to 14. pick up snacks and breakfasty options at the grocery store.

After work, I’m meeting a friend of mine who I will now call “my stylist” for some outfit help.

Because, see, my boy wardrobe is getting kind of boring. I pretty much wear the same outfit when I’m getting dressed up for a date or for a reading of my work: black slacks, black or red button-down, tie. I guess this varies a little. I have a few sweaters that I occasionally wear on top. I like the peep of a tie through a v-neck.

But I need to spice it up a bit. That’s where my stylist comes in.

So we started talking about my “wardrobe,” and I started wondering about a “basic men’s wardrobe guide” or some such book on men’s style, because that’s what I do, right, when I have a question or a dilemma or a problem I go find a book. Well, perhaps first I google it, then I find a book.

I’m in the gathering-data phase of this wardrobe project, but I will certainly let you know what I uncover.

… this is all to say that Miss DD and I are plannng to go dancing on Sunday night, and I don’t have a thing to wear. I will dust off (and polish) the solid black wingtips, but I’d like to wear something fun, peppy. Suspenders? I can’t seem to find my fedora.

… and this is also all to say that I am avoiding the topic of writing about my nerves, and DD’s visit, because though I am 90% excited and thrilled and in awe and beside myself, I am still 10% terrified. I’m already braced for that inevitable heartache that will happen when I have to take her back to the airport, send her back to Seattle. The reality of loss looming behind all our joyous interactions is such a weight to carry between us. Will we weather it? What are we going to do? How will I fall for someone, date someone, explore someone, from such a distance? It can’t possibly be adequate. It can’t possibly be enough. How do I make it enough? How do we approach this, how can we possibly frame this so that it will work, function, like two real hearts intertwining?

She sent me a photo yesterday of a new paddle with “BOY” cut into it, ready to mark. I got out my ropes and flogger and practiced my ties and aim. Felt good to twirl my wrists. I tightened my bedframe.

And now my head is swimming with the practical questions. What do I wear to pick her up from the airport? Do I pack? Must make a car reservation. Must get the apartment prepared. Do I have eggs? What kind of coffee does she like? (She is from Seattle, after all.) See and then I’m back to the distractions of the practicalities, and I feel a little better.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

7 thoughts on “busy practicalities”

  1. Jan says:

    Breathe deep and slow, Sinclair. Enjoy the energy you feel. What feels like fear/ anxiety is really excitation. You've been anticipating this. Enjoy!

  2. dylan says:

    Tightened the bed frame, boiled the cocks… mixed in there with eggs, coffee, and what to wear. Wow, you are really something else my friend. I am so excited for you.

    Let me know what you find out regarding this wardrobe thing. I feel like my style is limited too, they only make so much for the fellas.

  3. tightening the bed frame: smart move
    whether to pack to pick her up at the airport: are you kidding? hell, yes!
    1 day, 5 hours, 51 minutes ….. tick, tick, tick

  4. I never even thought of tightening the bed frame, it's on my list now.

    Um, yeah, please do pack, I'm sure it will be appreciated.

    When my sister was first dating her husband they lived in different states and every time he visited, the last couple of days before he left were misery for her. Then after he left she would be upset with herself for not enjoying that precious time they had together. Of course now they are married for over 10 years and a little time apart wouldn't be so bad. Anyway, my point is just try to be in the moment because it is your time together right now, deal with any saddness or worry after she leaves. I think she might need your strength.

  5. Mr. Sexsmith, I admire your preparedness, and also I so totally feel you right now. My LadyFriend will be in my arms in just a few hours and I can hardly keep it together. I've been bustling around for a week getting ready, making sure everything is perfect. Its really nice to hear that someone I care about is doing something similar. Good luck to you, my friend! I know you will have a fucking phenomenal time with Miss DD.

    Much Love!

  6. Robin says:

    Okay you crack me up – so I can so relate to the fixing the coil on the nose ring (lost weight and suddenly the damn thing won't stay in place and what is your excuse?), and tightening the bed frame (wrought iron frame now has clamps discretely hidden on it to enhance the strength), and yes you should pack. Coffee – hello, there has to be some decent beans in that town you relocated to – find them now! Breathe and enjoy.

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