journal entries

poll results: my ass is hers

The results of the poll, asking you, my favorite, loyal readers, how the sexy DateDyke and I are hooking up, are in.

But you already know what I’m going to report, because you were the ones who voted. (Traitors.)

You voted:

DateDyke tops me: 86
I top DateDyke: 50
We wrestle: 23

And we have two write-in votes, which were:

  • Wrestle for dominance, and loser gets to rule the day on your return flight
  • I just want you to win!

Someone also commented, “I vote for your vote,” and I wondered, does that mean they’re voting for me to top, or for me to get topped? ‘Cause clearly, I’m not even sure what my own vote is. I had hoped not to lose by a margin that fucking huge, but, well, readers, I get it. I hear you loud and clear.

My two consultants told me a few days ago that I should’ve threatened not to write about it unless I won. Now that, I bet that would’ve worked.

Ironically, after the Sugarbutch Star contest this year, one of the things I took away from that was just how many submissive femmes were out there who were inviting me to top them, often in ways that were (note the past tense) beyond my topping capabilities, I felt – lots of force, domination, coercion. I was surprised, and extremely validated, that there were so many of my type, at least upon initial inspection, out there, and so excited that they felt I was capable of taking them down.

But this time … seems the tables have turned a little, eh?

I know, slightly different scenario.

I am managing myself well, I think, inside the flirting, the submission, the bottoming, in my chats with DD; I’m a bit nervous about tomorrow, but trying to re-frame that into excitement. Tonight, she told me, “I’m not nervous, not now. I’ve worked that out. I have a solid idea of what I want and what I need from you.”

Mmmm, when you put it that way, I have a solid idea of what I want and what I need from her, too. I think. But that still doesn’t quite make me feel ready … this territory is just new, I suppose.

And … then there’s the reality of what’s going to happen tomorrow, of that first kiss when I walk into that hotel room, of the spreader bar she’s threatened, of my ass – my ass, lord, it has been a really long time since my ass has been fucked by anyone other than me, years – in the air, of who knows what else, being exposed, being taken. I’m thinking, do I have pimples on my ass? When was the last time I did some hair grooming, down there? Will I, as they say, break? Cry? Or will I be able to take it, to submit actively, intentionally, to push back against her topping, to hold my own, in my own way, in a butch and boyish way?

I’ve also been thinking about the responsibility of bottoms lately, not only because I am faced with this (gulp) new scenario – it seems there are many ways to bottom, and if you’ve read the Topping and Bottoming Books (which I highly recommend), then you know something about that.

One of the common misconceptions is that bottoms don’t do anything – that “pillow queen” notion. The Topping Book calls these folks “bottom-less pits,” those who want and need and take and don’t offer anything up, don’t match their top’s energy and hold their own.

I know this feeling as a top, but I am not as experienced of a bottom, these days – I want to avoid this, if at all I can.

It’s the difference between this active submission, intentional surrender, and some other form of just taking from a top … and I can feel it, energetically, but I’m not sure how else to pinpoint. This is reminding me of this post of Dacia’s over at Live Girl Review and that look in Legs’s eyes … clearly, though she is submitting, she is very powerful, present, active, working just as hard as her top. Gorgeous.

I’ve had a lot of comments, emails, and conversations, on & offline, from folks who follow Sugarbutch, about the notion of bottoming and butchness, especially for those of us whose butch identities are intertwined with a top identity.

I am not stone, have never been stone, and usually like and expect to get off during sex in some way. But that’s not to say that my sexual satisfaction is defined by my own orgasms – in fact, that’s not usually what makes me feel satiated after an interaction. Usually, it is the pleasure of the femme I’m with.

And, I’ve often said that just because I bottom, it does not have to conflict with my butchness. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, I’ve never felt that they are. I’ve been loud & proud about this, in fact, insisting that those two things can in fact go together and compliment each other quite well. I know butch bottoms, male subs, trans guy switches, all sorts of a range of masculine- and bottom-identified folks, and yeah, sure, have at it! You get on with your bad selves.

But … I guess the thing is that I’ve never quite occupied that space myself. And even in the past few years, when receiving or bottoming I guess I was doing so to women who did not go there, to celebrate the things that my boyishness brought to our scenario.

Certainly not in this way.

Interesting, how I thought I’d gone here, thought I’d played with this, and yet, these past few weeks has opened up whole new places to explore, new passageways, new ideas. I like that. I’m grateful for it, thankful to DD that she’s giving me the opportunity to explore these things, gender, submission, my own intersections.

Some folks have asked me about reading DateDyke’s dating chronicles, which are so steamy that she keeps them locked – she told me that she’d most likely grant permission, you’ll just have to ask nicely.

Also, to clarify – though both Red and DateDyke read Sugarbutch, I met them both offline, through friends. I have yet to sleep with someone who met me through Sugarbutch.

Want to be the first?

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queers" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the current editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert, and they live outside Seattle as an uninvited settler on traditional, ancestral, & unceded Snoqualmie land.

8 thoughts on “poll results: my ass is hers”

  1. All this talk of you getting topped is seriously hot. It’s got me wondering about another type of scene wherein you’re bottoming…

  2. i really dig the idea of bringing different gender energies to topping & bottoming, esp. the latter. i'd never thought about bottoming in a boyish way! ::: mulls the possibilities ::: i expect, like all power play, it's a private dance, never quite the same wants & needs from person to person, maybe even across one person's own gender spectrum. imagine a state of competence and self-awareness where limitless expressions of self, of power, of gender could be picked up and laid down like surgical tools in an intricate scene – with an equally tuned-in lover. wow! choreography on the fly! that really appeals to me, but then again, i get a little label claustrophobic.

    anyway, one thing is for sure, you are in for some revelations!

  3. maymay says:

    I second the notion that bringing a mixed bag to bottoming and submission in the sense of one's gender energies is a fantastic, and OH MY GOD SO HAWT way of approaching playing. It is, in fact, the blending of gender expressions that many of us find erotic in the first place.

    I couldn't bring myself to vote in the end, but I have to say I'm glad it ended up turning this way. :) But then, bottoms are notoriously mischievous to one another—I think it has something to do with greedily and vicariously enjoying yet-more-bottoming experiences. Or maybe that's just me.

  4. not a traitor! *wink*
    but i'm totally looking forward to reading about it =)

    really, though, i love what you've posted so far about the idea of bottoming while preserving your butchness/boyishness. i think that's important, and interesting. this whole thing is interesting to me, partly because i don't personally understand being able to switch. (which, to allow myself leeway, is not the same as saying i could never do it…but it seems way out in left field at the moment).

    oh – and i absolutely volunteer to be the first. i have a friend who wants me to visit up that way anyhow *g*

  5. Lina says:

    I ABSOLUTELY want to be the first…

    Call for a comp?


  6. Madeline says:

    Wait, wait.
    How do you define "met me through Sugarbutch?"
    How do you define "sleeping with someone?"

  7. blackandblue says:

    oh, I guess I would settle for second place ; ) since Madeline is technically "first"…

  8. Essin' Em says:

    I'm asking very nicely…at some point…not to be the first, or second, or third or whatever.

    Just keep me on a list somewhere :) Your butchness and topness are quite the incredible turn ons, and plus, there just isn't anyone else like you…not in CO, not in Philly. Not anywhere I happen to be.

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