Open Relationship Mini Interview with Rory: Special Treat Lovers

December 26, 2012  |  essays

1. What insight about open relationships do you wish you had when you started?

I don’t know if I would have done things any differently if I had known the following things. Perhaps I would have been more realistic in my hopes and desires. And not so long ago, knowing all these things, I entered into a trio with my mate and another woman – wanting it to be different, ignoring all the warning signs that I was headed down a familiar path.

In my experience, a woman might start out feeling ok about having a part time relationship with my mate. And often, the more she is in love, the more time and emotional demands she makes. At some tipping point (different in every relationship) that is likely to become uncomfortable for me.

Many people want a full time partner. My current life mate likes me to hang out with him and his other lovers. I am better at making space, especially if another woman and I don’t connect well or have had a falling out. If I do hang out, I often feel most of my mate’s attention is going to the newer lover and I see no point in me being around.

On the other hand – while I appreciate my lovers being friendly and respectful of each other – I like to spend most of my time with a special treat lover apart from my mate, unless we’re all lovers.

I can’t seem to keep a sexual relationship with a woman going longer than 6 months, unless it’s long distance. Intimate / platonic friendships with women are way easier and longer lasting for me.

Many people are judgmental of the life style.

2. What has been the hardest thing about opening your relationship, and how have you overcome that?

N/A. I haven’t opened a relationship that started out closed. My first lover and I read the Harrad Experiment. It made sense to us. We were 16 and it was 1970. We did the best we could – which meant he was open to me being with woman, and couldn’t handle me connecting with men. We were together 15 years. I have been in completely open relationships since. (Except for some months when my mate agreed not to take a new lover at the request of another lover.)

3. What has been the best thing about your open relationship?

While in that first long relationship, I got to explore a little with women. Next came some years of busting out – lots of playmates and a steady guy. Now, I share my home / life with a man I connected with more than 20 years ago. I still have the freedom to explore with other people – from ongoing relationships with people I care for deeply, to experimenting with someone I am curious about. I’ve had plenty of encounters I could have skipped, so I am picky these days – and it’s still important to me to have the freedom to connect with someone new, or a lover who comes round again when the time is right.

4. Anything else you’d like to add?

A question – any response to my musings?

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