me: I want to smack your ass
her: that’s exciting to me. how do you feel when you’re doing that?
me: strong, powerful. hard and wanting.
me: but also? completely inadeuqate and in awe of such beauty.
her: that’s incredibly sweet …
me: more in awe than inadequate; in reverence.
That moment of inadequacy is so hard to describe (especially via text message, what was I thinking?) - it’s less about the hierarchy between us or my own self-worth (that ‘inadequate’ implies) as it is about awe and reverance, like looking at the Milky Way and witnessing its spinning, a deep wonder at the beauty before me - and then a deep desire to bite into a destroy something so precious.
What is that impulse? My mom, who works with elementary school kids, speaks of it often - spending a few hours on a beach building a sand castle or a rock pattern only to have some of the fourth grade boys come trampling through and destroy it all. Sure, maybe once in a while there is a girl who does this - and sure, there are boys who never would (do forgive my oversimplification of gender roles here) - but by and large, the kids who do this are boys, and boys alone.
It reminds me of what I’ve read in feminist scholarship about pre-Christian matriarchal and goddess-centered cultures of which we have so little record. Some theories discuss how men were (and still are) so much in awe of a woman’s strength and power in sexuality that their impulse was to put it under lock and key, to control, to regulate. What they could not have themselves, they longed to own, occupy, colonize.
And in moments like my date on Saturday night, with girls like her, I deeply understand this feeling.
What is that? Where does that come from? It is similar to the impulse of destruction I’ve hinted at, the witness of something so perfect, so flawless and lovely, so fresh and baby-green and precious, trembling with new life like the leaves on the trees right now, that after a moment of quiet awe and appreciation I want to caress it, touch my hand gently to it, then wrap my fingers closed around it and squeeze the life out until I hear the last gasp of breath. I want to rip it from it’s branch like meat from a bone.
I don’t like this impulse much, I’m suspicious of it. I’m a pacifist, a feminist - but I’m also a sadist. I get off on the intentional release of pain. That also makes me a healer.
I have control of this impulse, to a point. I don’t actually crush baby leaves, or destroy flowers or people. But there have been times, that I can count on one hand, where I’ve been so deeply in sync with a lover, where they’ve sensed this impulse in me and provoked it, where I’ve nearly tipped over the edge and given in. I don’t really know what would happen inside of it, I’ve never trusted someone else - or myself - enough to find out.
Maybe this is one of the ways that I seek balance on a fairly extreme scale.
This too is why I like classic femininity in my lovers, in femmes: I want to see that supposed innocence. It riles me up, incites in me this impulse to take, to conquer, to overthrow, to destroy.
Consensually, and with such reverance and care, of course, of course.
29 responses so far ↓
1 blckndblue // Apr 21, 2008 at 12:08 pm
maybe because some aspects of femininity are also a patriarchal construct? I have similar questions from the opposite side of the fence.. what is so gratifying about meticulously preparing myself, my stockings, my makeup, only to have those things torn from and smeared on my body? For me, it is the act of giving permission to another woman to do this to me, and validating her DESIRE to do it to me. It’s the building up of and destroying those constructs together in our performance.
Maybe it is also about resentment I feel about how I am “supposed” to express femininity in this culture. I want to play with it, enjoy it, and also see it destroyed.
2 muse // Apr 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
it’s so validating for my own submissive impulses to hear about this. at times I teeter on the edge of being ashamed for wanting to give myself over to sadism as fully as I do, for wanting to empty out and be a vessel for this type of energy.
I want to incite, to be revered and admired in my pristine state… and then broken down, ripped apart, reduced to the primal building blocks of raw desire where my masochism and her sadism fuse perfectly.
(p.s. beautifully said, blckndblue. )
3 muse // Apr 21, 2008 at 12:41 pm
p.p.s. for purposes of this discussion, sadism/dominance and masochism/submission are very closely linked. I don’t want to overemphasize the importance of pain, because it’s more about the transfer of energy for me.
4 Jan // Apr 21, 2008 at 4:09 pm
From time to time, I want the lovemaking/sex to push me over the edge (whatever that means)….. I don’t think it’s masochism or submission, just a desire to go way beyond.
5 cyn // Apr 21, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Although not a queer book, Geraldine Brooks wrote a terrific book titled “Nine Parts of Desire” about Muslim women. This part of Islam is an understanding of the the POWER of feminine/female sexuality exactly as you describe in your third paragraph, Sinclair.
Reverence, what a superb word.
6 Colleen // Apr 22, 2008 at 2:06 am
::points at Muse::
Yeah. What she said.
7 Dosia // Apr 22, 2008 at 3:34 am
interesting post. though i can definitely identify with the desire to be smacked, i can also identify with the desire to destroy, to reduce to nothing, to crush. for me it’s about a deep reluctance to allow the helpless creature in front of me to have so much power over me. (i am also a pacifist and do not do intentional harm. just to make that clear!) but i have definitely felt that wave of desire/anger/power rise up within me, and it scares me too. i don’t think i want to see what i might do if i let it loose.
on another note, i do think this is a universal, non-gendered feeling. i am quite feminine, have been told i ‘look like an angel’, but i feel when looking at a sexy butch i have that same feeling of wanting to tear down that presentation and see what’s underneath. see the raw soul in its bleeding natural state. i would use my ‘feminine’ power to do that, not to harm, but to give a release, or a healing catharsis, i guess.
8 green-eyed girl // Apr 22, 2008 at 9:18 am
I need to be taken down with force, that’s what turns me on. Throw me on the bed, bite me, spank me hard and hold my arms down.
The look in her eyes when she has me where she wants me and then smiles at my weak struggling, makes me crazy.
I have never been ashamed of wanting to be dominated by my girlfriend, I’ve only encouraged it. To be that desired by her is so fucking hot. Her strength and confidence is what I find sexy.
9 guest post: submissive impulses, and why I heart sadists // Apr 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[…] guest post comes from Muse, as part of a response to my post on the sadistic impulse. She adds this PS: “the quote in the story is direct from Big Bad Daddy […]
10 Carly // Apr 27, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I often wonder if it comes down to destroying something, in a way, makes it ours… not in the traditional sense of possessiveness, but almost like we want to conquer and own, say that we’ve been there and had that. And then I wonder if it’s about what happens to a cat when they become overwhelmed with joy and bite - our brains become so filled with pleasure that we can’t take it, and it brings out our violent side because we feel the need to defend on some level.
Maybe it’s all, and maybe it’s neither, but it’s interesting to discuss…
11 Sugasm #131 // May 12, 2008 at 11:27 pm
[…] Dionysian Tales Harmony Rose Is Dominated On The Training Of O Other World Kingdom visit - Part 4 The sadistic impulse Submissive Little Darling The Submissive Male Construct and Nice Guys Weighty […]
12 Sugasm #131 & Dancing Queen « Sweat Shop Sissy // May 12, 2008 at 11:40 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
13 Sugasm #131 - The Whole Chicken // May 13, 2008 at 1:04 am
[…] Hazell Regrets Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse More Sugasm Join the Sugasm See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each […]
14 Viviane’s Sex Carnival » Blog Archive » Sugasm #131 // May 13, 2008 at 2:46 am
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
15 Sugasm #131 « Sex Secrets // May 13, 2008 at 6:28 am
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
16 Babeland’s Blog» Blog Archive » Sugasm 131 // May 13, 2008 at 8:18 am
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
17 Sugasm // May 13, 2008 at 8:25 am
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
18 Sugasm #131 « Lair of the Dragon Mage // May 13, 2008 at 9:46 am
[…] The sadistic impulse […]
19 Sugasm #131 | The best of this week's sex blogs | Private sex blog | Cam2sex - Where sexy adult cam girls come for their live sex chat fix // May 13, 2008 at 10:05 am
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
20 editor’s choice in Sugasm #131 // May 13, 2008 at 10:25 am
[…] The sadistic impulse (that’s me!) […]
21 Heart Full of Black // May 13, 2008 at 12:05 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
22 Sugasm #131 // May 13, 2008 at 12:07 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
23 HotMoviesForHer.com - For Women, By Women » Blog Archive » Sugasm #131! // May 13, 2008 at 12:54 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
24 Catalina Loves » Blog Archive » Catalina loves Sugasm (#131) // May 13, 2008 at 1:04 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
25 Bliss Warrior » Blog Archive » Sugastic Bliss #131 // May 13, 2008 at 2:37 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
26 Sugasm #131 - So Much Sug, So Little Time « Liz Wired // May 13, 2008 at 5:55 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
27 Junkbuzzed: sex, lies, and .jpgs // May 13, 2008 at 6:09 pm
[…] The sadistic impulse […]
28 Lumpesse // May 13, 2008 at 6:19 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
29 Marky D. Sade » A Sweet Sugasm To You #131 // May 13, 2008 at 8:12 pm
[…] Editor’s Choice The sadistic impulse […]
Leave a Comment