dirty stories, real life

the morning after

I had a date last night, which went quite well really; we had fabulous conversation over dinner, then made our way over to the Brooklyn promenade that overlooks the shimmering buildings in downtown Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty, the Verrazano bridge, and the Manhattan bridge.It was quite a view. I hadn’t been over there before. She wore these really cute shoes with straps that tied.

I was going on about topping, and the ways that feminism – and a general respect for other people – makes me hesitant to get involved in some particular sex play, like humiliation and name calling, and that I would actually like to push myself as a top and play with those things, but that it’d have to be with the right person, someone who wanted to specifically explore those things, not just as passing take-it-or-leave-it but really want it. I’d like to push myself as a top, I think was my point.

And that was when she gave me those eyes. You know the ones.

We had a fantastic first kiss, full of restraint and passion and air and deliberate hesitation, a slow building, perfect timing for going deeper, a little more crushing tender against teeth.

So, yeah, the date went well. Trouble is, I’m not particularly interested in purusing more with her – partly because she’s not what I’m looking for (I could go into detail here, but it’s not terribly relevant), and partly this is because I suspect that she likes me already, and is interested in pursuing things, maybe even in a relationship.

And I just can’t do that.

That sounds so predictable, so playboy, so “aspiring stud” of me, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t expect any less of this persona of mine, this Sinclair characature of myself, she should be the player, the heartbreaker, the one who takes girls home on the first date and has sex all night only to cut things off the morning after, right?

But that’s not me, that’s never been me. I’m not even sure how I got to this place sometimes, and I don’t want to continue to do this. What do we really get out of it, either of us? Sex, I suppose, which hey, that can be very important. But this day-after agony is not worth it. I’m too overly conscienscious of hurting her feelings.

And this is why I really shouldn’t be dating right now, at all.

I’m still just barely to the place where I’m pursuing dating. There have been some opportunities, and I haven’t turned those down … but it’s just starting to occur to me that I probably should be.

I said recently to Bee, my sister and roommate, that if I came across somebody that I really felt connected to, who I could potentially have a relationship with, I’m not even sure what I would do – I’d sabotage it, maybe, or I’d run the other way, or I just wouldn’t even recognize that that was possible with her right now, because I don’t want it. Everything in me says you’re not ready.

Do I wish I was ready? Yes. Am I working on becoming ready? Yes. Am I ready now? No.

And this, coupled with the difficulties I’ve had lately communicating with even my closest friends, let alone a random date, has made it clear to me that I’m in no place to even date. Hell, I am barely in a place where I can interact successfully with anyone else, it feels. Forget the extra added complication of emotion.

She didn’t stay over last night, though it was a struggle for me to ask her to go. How do you do that and not sound like an asshole? Eventually, I guess I had to not care that I sounded like an asshole. And I’m going to have to not care about that again today when I contact her to say that I had fun, but that we won’t be doing that again.

Lord. There is just no easy way to say it. There is no easy way to reject someone. Okay, so it’s not easy, fine: what is the kind way? What is the ‘right’ way?

I have one more date on Tuesday, and I have a sex date (much less complicated) with Belle today. I am tempted to cancel Tuesday’s date because really, why am I going? What do I hope to get out of it? I don’t want a relationship, not dates or sex or another person in my life.

This girl on the date last night, she is a lovely woman. Gorgeous and fun and smart, good in bed, and she has perhaps the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, a green-gold shade that with her dark hair is just stunning. I had fun.

Why don’t I just stop doing this altogether, before somebody really gets hurt, instead.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queer women" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ‚ÄčTheir short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert.

6 thoughts on “the morning after”

  1. Ms. Avarice says:

    You can't rush perfect timing. I thought I had more words but they fail me at the moment.

  2. Dylan says:

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with dating even if you know you aren’t ready to build more than those singular dates with someone. You need to stay in the game, meeting new people is important, it’s fun, you deserve it. I guess weighing that with the “costs” though is only something you could do.

    You will know when it’s right, until then, play up NYC like a basketball court. :)

  3. Calico says:

    It’s all right to date when you don’t know what you want.

    Of course we’ve all heard otherwise. You should “wait until you’re ready to commit”. You should wait x number of dates before having sex. Blah, blah, blah.

    Why care about these rules? They are based on what I think is a false assumption: that relationships always start from zero and progress linearly to either permanent partnership, or a breakup. I think we, as intelligent adults, can put the lie to that. Relationships can have ebb and flow and drowsy lulls. They have breaks and peaks. They are not “failures” because they end. They do not have to be on or off.

    You could spend ages lonely (if you are — nothing wrong with alone time) and struggling to be ready for The One, or you could meet amazing people and enjoy closeness and contact and learning about yourself. All you need is honesty, respect and affection, and you seem to be well equipped.

  4. tongue-tied says:

    why in the world would “Sinclair” be a player? just because you enjoy sex? enjoying sex does not require mindless seeking of all possible sexual encounters. if you’re not ready for a relationship, it’s fine! really. there is only an audience of one that matters, and that’s you.

  5. sinclair says:

    calico: thanks girl. you’re hella smart. definitely it’s not about the rules, or shouldn’t be – but my struggle here is that if it’s so hard for me to make it clear where I’m coming from, or what I’m doing, what I want, then I’m going to end up in situations that are not good for me.

    tongue-tied, you’re totally right. and ‘mindless seeking of all sexual encounters’ definitely isn’t what I’m doing (although there is probably a place for doing that, too). I just don’t think I should’ve ended up in the situation that I ended up in, on this date, and need to shift my actions accordingly.

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