I Want You to Thrive: How to Use the Submissive Playground “Tracks”

january-subplayAs a Dominant, my job is not to teach you how to submit—other submissives and your own inner wisdom holds techniques and tips for that. (That’s why the course has fourteen guest educators who are mostly switches and submissives.)

My job as a Dominant is:

  1. To create a space for your submission to walk into and feel held, safe, and able to deeply explore.
  2. To set you up with rules to follow, protocol to practice, and goals to meet that are reasonable, clear, and manageable. I want you to go away from encounters feeling awesome, strong, bad-ass, energized, well-used, respected, and maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll both feel a little bit transformed.
  3. To keep checking in to the Big Picture of our mutual goals, and keep tweaking our rules and protocol so that we are doing the best we can to move closer to them.

In Submissive Playground specifically, my goals for the submissive “players” who participate in the course are:

  1. To have fun! To identify and suspend some of the judgment we’ve accidentally absorbed about what “real” submission is and what it means to submit well, and to instead dive into myriad ways to do it, and figure out what works best for us right now.
  2. To do experiments with our bodies (and hearts and minds), to “collect the data” from the experiments, and to keep moving forward.
  3. To connect with community and witness the many ways a D/s path is possible, and to support each other in the different ways that we pursue these arts.
  4. To support you in identifying your “growth edges,” the places you’d like to transform and learn and grow, and to offer resources on your journey. (And to identify some of my own growth edges, too!)

These goals, and this premise, is what the whole Submissive Playground ecourse is built on.

The content in Submissive Playground keeps growing. This is the third time rife & I will be doing the course, and this time I’m adding Maisha Aza and Axe from the Masocast as guest speakers. The guest speakers who have said yes and provided videos so far are primarily white and cis women or genderqueer folks, so I have some particular perspectives I want to make sure to seek out and include. It’s great to have the full course and now be able to hand pick more contributors who have different identity backgrounds.

(I am still specifically looking for submissive-identified folks who are people of color, of any gender, though I do particularly need more perspectives from cis men and trans women. If you are this or know someone you recommend please let me know!)

So the material is vast. We have guest videos from FOURTEEN PEOPLE, we have porn to watch, erotica to read by Jeff Mann from the Daddies anthology and by BB Rydell from Say Please and Kathleen Delaney-Adams from Best Bondage Erotica, we have technique articles by slave david stein, we have an audio interview with Raven Kaldera.

But that’s just the beginning!

In the course, there are also many other ways to interact and get value.

1. The Materials

That would be the dirty stories, how-to articles, and porn that I’ve already mentioned. It’s all the things to read and watch and interact with, the graphics rife has made, a custom-made Lust Language quiz, plus some BONUS materials when rife and I had too many good materials not to include.

2. The Experiment

This is the “go do this activity” part. There’s one per module (and four modules total—Bondage, Discipline, Service, and Masochism) and it’s the thing that you go try out in your life—there are ways to do it with a partner or by yourself.

3. Submissive Journals Homework

The journals part of the homework is thoughtful written responses to #1, The Materials, and #2, The Experiment. It is kind of like discussion questions in a class, a series of questions to get you thinking about and interacting with the materials and your experiment in a deeper way. This has been a big hit for journallers, folks who are into self-reflection and self-examination, and who like writing.

Doing #3 kind of requires that you keep up with #1 and #2, at least in part.

4. All-Player Live Video Sessions

This is the “live” part of the course. All the participants, plus me and rife, meet up every other week throughout the course to talk about all the #1 Materials, #2 Experiment, and #3 Homework, and to share our stories of discovery with one another. This happens in Spreecast, so there’s a chat function and you can come on video (but only if you want to) and talk to me and everybody in the course. These have been so very fun! They have set dates & times:

  • BONDAGE: Saturday, January 31, 10-11:30am PST / 1-2:30pm EST / 5-6:30pm GMT
  • DISCIPLINE: Thursday, February 12, 6-7:30pm PST / 9-10:30pm EST / 1-2:30am GMT
  • SERVICE: Saturday, February 28, 10-11:30am PST / 1-2:30pm EST / 5-6:30pm GMT
  • MASOCHISM: Thursday, March 12, 6-7:30pm PST / 9-10:30pm EST / 1-2:30am GMT
  • WRAP-UP: Saturday, March 28, 10-11:30am PST / 1-2:30pm EST / 5-6:30pm GMT

And they are all recorded so you can go back to them and watch them later if you aren’t able to miss the live calls.

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Oh wait! Let me tell you about The Star Chart!

Throughout the course, Star & Mentor Players have access to the Star Chart, which is a place to keep track of the different pieces of the course and what you’re consuming. It’s like having your own sticker chart on the wall where everybody can see how you are doing your chores.

5. Submissive Community

This is the part, more than any of the others, that participants have said was really life-changing. Making connections to folks on a similar submissive path from around the world has been amazing! Friendships have been born and connections have been made. I firmly believe that identity explorations are easier when there’s a community context, because you have not only support but also many representations of how this particular identity manifests. In the course, we have a chat during the live video sessions, there is a message board available for your perusal and in-depth conversations, and you’re hooked up with a “subby buddy” with whom you can dive in and converse more deeply about the course.

6. One on One Sessions

Last but not least, the individual sessions track of the Submissive Playground course is where you and I get to dive deeper into your particular journey with submission and offer some support around whatever your growth edge is. One session is included with the Star Package, and FOUR sessions are included with the Mentor Package (which is why it’s called the Mentor Package, cuz you get some significant mentorship for your D/s path over eight weeks). Anybody in the course can add on additional sessions for a reduced rate, though, so just contact me if you want one. (Note: I’m not really doing 1-1 work with clients this year, instead I’m focusing on teaching and ecourses. So this is a great way to have some 1-1 time with me!)

Oh yeah, and rife is also limitedly available for sessions. After watching his videos in the course and hearing him speak about submission, you might really want some support directly from him and his brilliant submissive theory.

And that’s pretty much the course!

So if you’re not sure you have time to devote to a course, my suggestion is to check out the various contents, decide which one or two or three you are going to prioritize, and leave the rest behind. Sure, you can dig in to them if you find yourself inspired, but you will know you are totally on top of your commitment to the course when you finish up the work for your Track, and you don’t have to feel guilty about not doing more.

Because hey, I don’t want to add to your endless to do list! You’re busy! And you should be out making money and getting laid and changing the world for the better, I don’t want to get in the way of that kind of important stuff.

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Plus, many subs are the A+ student type.

You don’t need to put that kind of pressure on yourself on my behalf. You can still get TONS out of this course even if you don’t do half of it. And, you can always download the materials after the course if you want to keep them and do them later!

Maybe your work or home schedule is such that you just can’t make the All-Player Video Sessions, for example. That’s okay! You can watch them later, or you can skip them altogether and dive into the materials yourself. (Sometimes I give a context or some content in those video sessions that I am encouraging us to explore during that unit, but you can do it on your own.)

Does that all make sense? I want this experience to be exciting, fun, and energizing for you, not a drain or an extra obligation. And rather than dropping off mid-course because you aren’t caught up, what if you set lower expectations on yourself and then felt AWESOME when you completed them? This is recreational, for your growth and pleasure.

I want to set you up to succeed, and to thrive.

The Great Reader Mini-Interview, Part Eight: Creating an Active Fantasy Life, It’s Okay to Be Butch, and “You’re Fucking Gay”

And thus concludes the Great Reader Mini Interview series of 2013!

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and engagement and ideas. I have loved reading every one of your responses and recommendations. I have dreams of compiling a big list of blog URLs and recommended books and sources that changed your lives. We’ll see if I can get that done. I have such limited time and SO many project ideas, ya know? Everything I choose to do means choosing NOT to do something else.

And likewhoa, the Submissive Playground has taken up way more time than I expected. I mean, of course it did, doing a course for the first time always takes so much work to create the curriculum, and having something ongoing means I have even more room to tweak it and change it based on what the participants need, as it goes on. Which has been amazing, but also a lot of work. I am almost seeing the end of the course now, though, since there’s only one more full week of materials to prepare, and then the wrap-up call! (I’m still behind on grading homework, however. That’s on my MITs for today.)

If you sent in a mini interview for this series, and you haven’t seen your name here, I’m sorry! I very well may have overlooked it, somehow. Or maybe it didn’t get into the Google forms spreadsheet, somehow. I promise it was an accident—the only folks I didn’t include were those of you who wrote to me and specifically asked not to be printed. I would welcome you writing me with, “Hey, I submitted a mini-interview, but I didn’t see it; do you still have it?” kind of question if you want to (you probably know how to reach me, but my email isn’t really on the site anymore because I’m trying to get my inbox under control).

I love reading your advice and resources, so much. Thank you, everybody. I would really love to keep the conversations going … do you think if we had a monthly chat, in an online IRC kind of chatroom, y’all would come and talk to me? Rife & I were talking about it like a “fireside chat” kind of thing, so there should be tea or cocktails or something, but y’all would have to provide those for yourself.

Okay! On to the mini-interviews:

—–

What’s your relationship with sugarbutch.net and Sinclair?

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I started reading your blog over a year ago. I had just come out to a dear friend– a very conservative straight female friend. Being the woman she is, she decided to google many things LGBT and found your site. She asked me about it, and since I hadn’t seen it before, she insisted that I read it and get to “know” you. A true friend.

—Annie Anthony, http://annieanthony.com

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I won a copy of Say Please at a burlesque show and it opened the flood gates. And I’m not just talking about how wet it made me. I realized what I had been missing and the kinky, leather, submissive, masochist inside me would be ignored no longer! After reading The Harder She Comes, and Sometimes She Lets Me and seeing your name in all three I landed here. So obviously my favorite parts of Sugarbutch are the naughty bits. I love erotica because I always get to play the leading lady in my mind when I read.

—Summer, https://www.facebook.com/summer.r.banks

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I have, as you know, been a long-time reader. I began reading Sugarbutch when I was in a hetero-relationship, maybe about 5 years ago (have you been publishing that long? I know you had been around for a little while already because I devoured the archives when I found you.) I was somewhat questioning my sexuality at the time, knew I was attracted to women- and so did my partner- but I was not out to many other people. … It’s been an interesting trajectory, to say the least, and I have also gone through some of the same stuff as you over the same-ish time frame, in terms of leaving my long-term partner and staying with a new partner who I met & started dating while in the long-term relationship. It was through being a reader of Sugarbutch that I first started to create this active fantasy life, including the desire for a Daddy/girl relationship (I believe you introduced this concept to me) which I now am living out with my partner.

Not only was your writing a great outlet for yummy lesbian smut and D/s dynamic when I was not getting any of that kind of sex, but your honest writing about your own relationships and your thoughtful introspection about power/self/learning/loving has been essential to my own growth and moving through what I needed to move through during that time in my life, in order to come out and to be comfortable with who I am.

—cravatica, http://titlesareeasy.Blogspot.com

What advice would you give your younger self about sex, gender, or relationships?

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Don’t worry, it’ll all sort out, one thing at a time. Oh, and Lesbians do totally exist; so you are fu**ing normal.

(Just as a small explanation: as a teen I was kind of questioning my gender, since I am a woman attracted to woman but only knew (at the time) that it was not okay to feel this way (hello Homophobia). So I spend a lot of my time thinking about gender, power and such stuff. Which is okay, since it is a really fascinating topic, but I just wished that back than someone would have told me that it is okay to be butch. And that there are a quadrillion ways to express oneself, so you don’t have to become the girl next door stereotype.)

(I hope I made sense!)

—Max Vague, http://droemmelig.tumblr.com

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Don’t spend too much time in relationships with cismen because they aren’t really your thing. You know you’re not satisfied w just girls on the side and you’ll get to the good stuff if you stop cockblocking yourself with cisdudes. Don’t spend too much time with people who don’t want to help draw out & make real your dirtiest desires from your shy self.

YOU ARE (mostly) A BOTTOM; DON’T DATE OTHER BOTTOMS!!!

—keta, http://papismija.tumblr.com

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I would tell myself that there is less need to wait, that you are already whole and that the parts of yourself that feel freaky, incongruent, vulnerable and broken will be amongst your greatest beauties (especially when they awaken compassion). I would encourage my younger self to keep up the sexual self-exploration, that it will pay off in spades. I would encourage that younger self to honor that precocious gender-resistance and keep the girl-boy-girl-feral internal parts in conversation and alive; you’ll find others soon enough. I would also encourage my younger self to open up, share and to trust those few friends a bit more, that healthy, joyful, hot, loving relationships *are* possible, despite what you see all around. Oh, and PS, Austin is full of queers. Call OutYouth Austin, right now.

delightful wigglepuss, https://www.facebook.com/kim.lasdon

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Dear Baby Summer,

You are going to spend a lot of time looking for the right penis. You will be convinced if you just sleep with enough men you’ll find the one that does it for you. You want so badly to find the nice man to marry and make babies with in a gated community. Here’s the thing… you don’t ACTUALLY want that, it’s just the only thing you’ve ever known. The moment that you meet people who have a different model for love and life your eyes start to open. The reason you are obsessed with the movie But I’m a Cheerleader is you’re fucking gay. This was the first example of young, queer ladies you’d ever seen in film and you latched onto it like a fucking gay life saver in a sea of hetero. It still takes you a few years to realize you don’t just “think girls are pretty”. Even after fucking a few you aren’t convinced you want to be in a relationship with a lady. And that’s ok. All in good time my pretty. You will eventually realize the right penis is actually a strap-on cock and while you weren’t sure you wanted to be in a relationship with a lady, being a butch’s girl is right where you belong. You are going to be so happy when you open your mind and your heart. And you’re going to cum a lot more.

—Summer, https://www.facebook.com/summer.r.banks

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Fuck gender; do what you want. Pronouns aren’t the important things, or names, and breasts come off regardless of gender if you find the right surgeon. Love vintage hair cuts because they are comfortable and awesome, and your voice because it can do so much, and being a member of a community of women because there is similarity, strength, vulnerability and kinship there. Don’t worry what labels any of those things earn you; the labels matter to some people, but it’s okay that they don’t. Gender is a myth built around embodied truth, but still just a myth, and your truth can be something the myth-writers never imagined.

As for relationships, as wonderful as it feels to be someone’s whole world, that’s what puppies are for. There are things called “boundaries” and you really ought to develop some or you will lose yourself attempting the impossible. On the other hand, don’t be afraid of heart break. There are worse things than a broken heart.

Finally, there is no such thing as a “failed” relationship; there are just relationships that end (sometimes long after they stop being a positive force.)

—B., https://twitter.com/liminalgamer

What one resource has had the most impact on you, and why?

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Hoffman Process, hands down. And I’ve done a lot of work in many forms. It helped me extricate and fundamentally alter the roots of old patterns that were lodged deeply in my somatic and neurological pathways. It offered me tools to continue the work on my own beyond the retreat. It also worked because I was fiercely ready to do the work and surrendered myself to the transformation despite and beyond the aspects that my rational, critical intellect would have dismissed.

—delightful wigglepuss, https://www.facebook.com/kim.lasdon

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Insight-oriented therapy with a smart therapist. It took nine therapists to find one who clicked, but it was so very, very worth it. In addition to the obvious up sides, therapy taught me skills of self-reflection and intellectualization that have been way more adaptive than my previous coping mechanisms. It taught me to listen to my emotions and body, letting them tell me what I needed to care about or work on or empathize with. Even if one is completely emotionally and psychologically healthy, I still think insight-oriented therapy can be useful [since] we aren’t teaching that kind of emotional intelligence to everyone.

—B., https://twitter.com/liminalgamer

Anything else to add?

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Ever think about coming to Ireland Sinclair? Plenty of LGBTQ groups to visit!

—CTD

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I really love your site and the information and passion you share with the world. I’d really love to see you promote yourself more, to a wider audience. I think some of your stories and blog posts are so intelligent that you can appeal to a very academic audience. Yet your subjects are so interesting and fun that you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to enjoy the blog. I’d love to hear audio transcripts of some or all of your workshops and also see more interactive content, pictures, etc. Overall, highly entertaining and interesting work!

—Annie Anthony, http://annieanthony.com/

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I am awed and inspired by your bravery to share so much of yourself in a medium that can often feel completely one-sided, and I love that you opened up these questions to your readers in order to encourage a different kind of dynamic with your reader. Thanks for sharing yourself so openly for all these years.

I look forward to seeing you in person one day, if you ever come to do a talk in Phoenix, please let me know! I’m starting off my classes in gender and gay and lesbian studies this spring at ASU so if I ever come across an opportunity to bring you to campus for a speaking engagement, you can bet I will be trying to book you!

—cravatica, http://titlesareeasy.Blogspot.com

International Ms. Leather 2013 Begins Tonight! Say Please, Pack n Play Cocks, Happy Hour, More

IMsL, the International Ms. Leather contest and one of the biggest gatherings of leather dykes and queers I’ve ever been to, starts tonight! I’m really looking forward to this weekend, to being a part of the contest behind the scenes (I’ll be judging!), and to catching up with so, so many friends from all over the country who will be in attendance.

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And! I want to send out a serious congratulations to the 2012 IMsL family, IMsL 2012 Synn Evans, IMsBB 2012 Tarna Scyanne, and 1st runner up Angel Propps. I’ve been following some of the adventures and tours and travels of these folks this past year, and they’ve done fantastic things being representatives of the leather community, doing outreach, gathering support for causes, raising money, and generally raising hell. I’m proud of Synn and her efforts to reflect multi-dimensional, complicated identities and issues within these communities. Thanks, Synn, for your year of service and all you’ve done.

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So badass, right? I’m excited for Synn’s roast on Friday night especially. I’m gearing up to say … some stuff.

There’s a queer happy hour from 7-9 at the host hotel (the Holiday Inn on Van Ness), and then there’s a drag show that both Rife and Lillith Grey are performing in (and others, I’m sure, but I’m pretty thrilled to watch the two of them).

You don’t need to have a ticket to the whole IMsL weekend in order to come for the happy hour—so if you’re in San Francisco and want to have a drink with sexy folks tonight, come on by!

I’m teaching a class on Flirting, Foreplay, and Fucking on Saturday at 2:30pm, so if you’re attending IMsL, come by and see me at that class.

And …

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I made a special stop at Cleis Press to pick up some more copies of Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica (that I usually call “queer kinky smut”), the anthology that I edited that came out last year. I’m still incredibly proud of this collection and if you don’t have a copy of it yet, pick one up from me at IMsL and I’ll be glad to sign it for you! It’s got a pretty incredible lineup of stories and it’s dirty as hell.

I’ve also got the beautiful and “game changing” pack and play silicone cocks by New York Toy Collective, Shilo. I’ve got a couple different colors. They’re $135 each, which I know is a lot and can be preventative, but they are absolutely worth it. My Shilo has replaced two or three other cocks I used to carry around for different reasons (one for blow jobs; one for fucking someone who might not want to use my other favorite, the Maverick, because that one is sometimes too big; one for packing) and I love that it’s become my go-to cock. Maybe even my desert island cock, meaning the one I would bring to a desert island if I could only bring one. Depends on who I was on the island with, probably!

Here’s some other great things about Shilo:

  • The way the spine can curve means that it conforms to a person’s body better, and that means it doesn’t slip out as easily
  • It’s excellent for prostate or g-spot stimulation, since it can curve to any direction
  • The internal spine is a “proprietary core,” which the NYTC tells me means they “can’t tell you what’s in it,” but it does contain metal (which means it might show up as a blip on an airport security scan). The core is also wrapped in layers of silicone, and they haven’t had any instances of the inner bendable core poking through the silicone. It could hypothetically happen, but the layers are very thick and seems very sturdy
  • Of course, it is really good for packing and then fucking!

I’ll have my Square on me, so you can actually buy one with a credit card if you’d like to, or you can make sure to bring cash. Which color do you want? Let me know and I’ll save one for you!

See you at IMsL!

“Reading erotica is a GREAT way to explore your sexuality.” Tristan Taormino Interviewed Me On Sex Out Loud

Laura Antoniou & I were guests on Tristan Taormino’s Sex Out Loud podcast this past Friday, and the show is now up & available to listen to online.

This week’s episode of Sex Out Loud has two different guests talking about their work giving voice to sexual minorities, specifically the leather & BDSM communities. Laura Antoniou, one of the most published female writers of the queer/BDSM erotic genre, will discuss her popular Marketplace erotic novel series as well as the publication of her first mystery novel, The Killer Wore Leather. Sinclair Sexsmith is the kinky butch top behind the the popular Sugarbutch Chronicles. They’re also a writer, storyteller, and performer who studies critical feminist & gender theory, sexual freedom, social change activism, archetypes, and the tantric and buddhist spiritual systems.

Check it out!

Photos from the Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Dallas

I’ve gone all over the country in the past year to promote the anthology I edited, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica. In November, Kristen and I were in Dallas for Thanksgiving and Lillith Grey helped me to produce an incredible lineup at Ver Les.

Amy Price took photographs, and they are pretty amazing. It was quite a rockstar lineup and it was in fact so successful that Lillith has decided to create an ongoing erotica series! Check out Panty Raid on Facebook for more details.

The Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Dallas Edition featured live music by Ashely Boucher, and erotica readings by Lillith Grey, Kasson Marroquin, Cheyenne Cartwright, Artemis Rose, Morgan la Fae, and CD Kirven.

Thanks so much to everyone who was there last night, to Lillith and all the readers, for making it an excellent celebration. I still aim to do a couple more Say Please readings in 2013, and I hope to have a new book project with Cleis press soon, so certainly you can expect more of me in your city in the future.

This Week! Best Lesbian Erotica & the Lesbian Sex Mafia in New York City

I’ll be reading some erotica on Thursday night in the East Village with the Best! Lesbian! Erotica! reading at Drunken! Careening! Writers! that BLE series editor Kathleen Warnock runs.

And! Also! I’m still on the board of the Lesbian Sex Mafia, and Lee Harrington is teaching an amazing D/s class on Friday night at the GBLT Center. I’ll be running the workshop that night, doing the announcements and getting everyone settled to pay attention to Lee’s brilliance, and taking a lot of notes about D/s. I’ve been thinking a LOT about D/s lately, about protocols and rituals and rules and punishments … still thinking about ways to write about all the things I’ve been learning.

Meanwhile, here’s the details on the events in New York City Thursday and Friday.

Best Lesbian Erotica @ Drunken! Careening! Writers!

KGB Bar
85 E. 4th St.
NYC
7pm FREE

Rebecca Lynne Fullan
Sid March
…and special surprise guests!
with your hostess, Kathleen Warnock
copies of BLE ’13 will be available for sale

Our “special surprise guests” will be Sinclair Sexsmith and Lea DeLaria (eds of the last 2 editions), and they will be reading from their work!

Rebecca Lynne Fullan is a writer of various stripes, most of them human. She lives, writes, reads, and learns in New York City. This story is for her girlfriend, Charlotte, and written with special gratitude to the BMVCOE, who know about magic. Come visit her here: rebeccalynnefullan.wordpress.com.

Sid March is the disastrously queer daughter of Neptune, a gifted escape artist, and an excellent party planner. A nomadic being with half a dozen hometowns, Sid writes obsessively when no one is watching as a way to tame her insatiable Wanderlust.

Best Lesbian Erotica is published by Cleis Press, the largest independent queer publishing company in the United States. Kathleen Warnock is the series editor, and Jewelle Gomez selected and introduced this year’s collection.

Drunken! Careening! Writers! is a reading series based on the proposition that all readings should be by: 1) Good Writers; 2) Who read their work well; 3) Something in it makes people laugh (nervous laughter counts). And 15 minutes tops.

Lesbian Sex Mafia presents Beyond Bowed Heads: Rituals for Dominance and Submission with Lee Harrington

lesbiansexmafia.org

Rituals are a key part of any D/s relationship, whether we acknowledge them or not. From casual kisses as the door to formal slave poses, ritual objects such as collars to slave contracts, the BDSM world is rife with concepts of ritual- but what is a ritual? What are the levels of ritualistic interaction we have between one another? Let’s look at rituals for day to day life (including how to get out of work or parent space), sacred time, intense connection, erotic play, solidifying relationships, changes within our relationships, and the taboo subject of the devastating loss of a relationship or its natural end. From terminology to developing your own code of ethical interaction, this class covers a bevy of styles and types of interpersonal reactions.

Where: The LGBT Center, 208 West 13th St. (7th/8th Ave), New York, NY
Date/Time: Friday December 21, 2012, 8:00-10:00 PM. Our annual workshop at which all genders are welcome.
Cost: LSM Members: $5/Non Members: $10

About Lee Harrington

Lee Harrington is an internationally known spiritual and erotic educator, gender explorer, eclectic artist and award-winning author and editor on human sexuality and sacred experience. He is a nice guy with a disarmingly down to earth approach to the fact that we are each beautifully complex ecosystems, and we deserve to examine the human experience from that lens. He’s been traveling the globe (from Seattle to Sydney, Berlin to Boston), teaching and talking about sexuality, psychology, faith, desire and more, and has no intention to stop any time soon. He has been an academic and an adult film performer, a world class sexual adventurer, an outspoken philosopher, is a kink/bondage expert, and has been blogging about sex and spirituality since 1998.

His books include “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Negotiating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” (with Mollena Williams), “Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond,” “Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé,” the “Toybag Guide to Age Play,” and “Shed Skins: Journeying in Self-Portraits.” He has also worked as an anthology editor on such projects as “Rope, Bondage, and Power” and “Spirit of Desire: Personal Explorations of Sacred Kink,” while contributing actively to other anthologies, magazines, blogs and collaborations internationally. Check out the trouble Lee has been getting into, as well as his regular podcast, tour schedule, free essays, videos and more over at www.PassionAndSoul.com.

Thanksgiving in Texas

I’ve been in Dallas with Kristen’s family for the last few days for the Thanksgiving holiday. We did a Dirty Queer Sex Tour reading on Tuesday that Lillith Grey helped put together, which was fantastic—it is so fascinating to me how each of the Dirty Queer Sex Tour stops have been so different. I think (hope aim for) it reflects the local culture well, which is great, because as much as I’d love to introduce the Say Please book around to all the different folks who might be interested in it in all the different cities, the cultures of BDSM and queerness are actually slightly varied depending on where you are. Having interacted with those cultures primarily on the internet for the last oh, fifteen or eighteen years, I didn’t really know that until I started touring more. And when I go around and visit colleges in various different cities, I get a small taste of local culture, but usually it’s more like the local college culture, which isn’t quite the same.

I wish I could explain how each of the readings were different, but it’s hard to put my finger on it exactly. Sometimes it seems like one is more butch/femme, one is more genderqueer, one is younger, one is old school, one is more trans focused, one is darker in material and content, but I also don’t really want to generalize that specifically about identities, because I don’t really need to draw the conclusions that therefore the city that that reading was in is therefore more trans or genderqueer or butch/femme. But the differences have been big, and are really interesting.

This particular reading was at VerLes, and they have a really great selection of leather goods and whips and percussion toys that I kept fingering and coveting while I was there. We did a giveaway for a beautiful photograph from one of the readers, CR Kirven, and a dirty cross stitch that Lillith made, and a copy of the book, and a few other goodies, and it was a blast.

Thanks to photographer Amy Price for these beautiful photos from the Dallas Say Please reading! I don’t know if that Facebook link will work but I think it will—check it out. We had a beautiful sexy lineup and the store looks so pretty.

Lillith and her partner Synn (who is the 2012 International Ms Leather!) took us around to the Dallas Eagle and to the Round-Up, which was a gay boy bar (with very mixed company) that has two stepping and line dancing pretty much every night. Kristen and I don’t really know how to two step (though I did okay following while Synn led, and I led Kristen around the floor in a circle at least once), but we have taken some east coast swing and it was so incredibly fun. She and Lillith and some of their friends also had so much fun line dancing. I did a few songs—but when they get really complicated, it’s so hard to keep up. We vowed to go out to Big Apple Ranch more frequently.

Oh and speaking of IMsL—it’s official, and I can announce it now: I’m going to be a judge for the 2013 International Ms. Leather contest! So I’ll be in San Francisco in April 2013. 2012 was the first year I attended, and it was very memorable and fun, and I definitely felt like the folks there were my people. I’m really looking forward to meeting more of the folks who make the contest run and to seeing behind the scenes a little bit—always my favorite way to see an event.

Kristen and I did a lot of other things in Dallas, aside from hang out with her family and eat delicious food, like go around to Kristen’s old haunts, her favorite restaurants, her high school, her old house. It was great to see where she came from. I love having a sense of a city. We rented this little zippy car, some Volvo sports car that I didn’t even know existed, not that I’m really a car person, and it was so fun to drive. Driving around a city gives me a much better sense of it and I loved that I got to experience it.

I didn’t get any gigs in Dallas, aside from the Dirty Queer Sex reading, but maybe I will get some interest from some of the local colleges and come back another time.

Kristen and I are better. Things have improved since that big explosion and I think that couple’s therapist will be helpful. I’ve been containing my feelings much more, haven’t been lashing out, haven’t been quite so wildly all over the map with my feelings. Or rather, I have still been, but I haven’t been showing it as much. This is not quite the same as bottling them up—it’s more like, I know that bringing things up to Kristen doesn’t result in greater understandings right now. I’m making note of things that are difficult or upsetting, and trying to breathe through it and put it aside at the moment, and work through it later with the couple’s therapist or some other moderator because Kristen and I can’t seem to get out of our patterns well enough to actually discuss things to a healing conclusion lately. It’s not a long term solution, this lack of sharing, but it is a temporary solution, and the most important thing right now is to stop fighting. It does seem to help to just not share my feelings—and to not talk about the other people that she’s dating. There are still some issues here, things I don’t know how to resolve, but our couple’s therapist basically said that right now isn’t the time to resolve them, isn’t the time to go into the deep patterns and try to rewire them, because we’re both feeling so defensive and attacked, both feeling pretty wounded, so we need some time to just be with each other and be kind and take time to do things that feel good before we can get to a place where we have enough energy and patience and flexibility to do more excavating and fixing of the patterns and ruts that we’ve developed.

I still don’t know where that will bring us, ultimately. But I am trying to breathe and focus on the “healing power of pleasure,” which is one of the core Tantra principles. I keep asking myself, and Kristen, whenever we are stressed or overwhelmed with all these emotions: What would feel pleasurable for your body right now? I think that focus has been helping us relax and enjoy each other.

I’m in Houston now, and I’ll be visiting Rice University on Thursday, but aside from that I’m visiting with Rife. We’re outside of the city actually, on his family’s ranch, and at the moment, he and his dog are out doing something with the horses, a little practice training, it looks like. I’m sitting in the very pleasant breeze looking out onto a pasture with beautiful old trees and a wind chime nearby. I have a cup of coffee and my pen and notebook and my computer (and wifi!), and the only things on my agenda today are some hours of work, some reading, some walking around this beautiful land, some play with Rife, some good food, some stargazing later if it’s clear. The more time I spend away from cities, the less I seek to go back to a city. I love the grass under my bare feet, love the sounds of the wind in the trees and the birds and the chimes. I’m soaking up as much of it as I can.

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Dallas Edition

You are invited to … A night of DIRTY QUEER SEX!

Featuring readers from the SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA, and many special guests! Performers include Cheyenne Cartwright, Lillith Grey, Morgan la Fae, C.D. Kirven, Kasson Marroquin, and Artemis Rose. Hosted by Lillith Grey, burlesque dancer and event producer, Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

In SAY PLEASE, Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012
7pm at VerLes
5946 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX
http://www.verles.net/events/
RSVP on Facebook

ABOUT THE EDITOR/HOST

Sinclair Sexsmith has been writing online since 1996 about identity, queer culture, feminism, and self-awareness, and teaches workshops on BDSM, gender, and getting the sex life you want. They produce the award-winning website Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. Contributing to more than fifteen anthologies, including five Best Lesbian Erotica editions, Persistence: Still Butch and Femme, and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, Mr. Sexsmith is also on the board of the upcoming 2013 BUTCH Voices conference, and serves the Body Electric School as a coordinator. They are the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and editor of Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both from Cleis Press. More information about their events, workshops, and projects at mrsexsmith.com.

CHECK OUT THE READERS …

Cheyenne Cartwright is a novelist and adult entertainer. Former professor, current featured contributor for Queereka.com, comedienne and educator. Wears many hats, but only metaphorical ones, so as not to muss her hair.

As an educator, activist, musician, and artist, most of Lillith Grey’s time is divided between teaching, studying, and sewing sequins. She produces Dallas’s annual “Fuck Valentine’s Day” party as well as the queer variety show Panty Raid, and is the regular host of Dallas’s premiere drag king show, Mustache Envy. She performs frequently as an emcee, burlesque dancer, and fetish performer, and is one half of the cabaret-style music duo Sister Alice. In addition to her work as an entertainer, she holds two graduate degrees (and working on a third) and teaches at the university level, including courses in women’s studies, psychology, social work, and American Sign Language. You can find her at www.LillithGrey.com and on Facebook and Twitter.

Healthy individual, lying beyond the borderlands and bounds of society, Morgan la Fae is alien. Alienation, being requisite of those old in soul and living in truth. As priestess, stripped of social graces and delusion, my essence lay bare. In worship of the snake haired queen, I join symbols feared by the spiritually contained. In truth, I embody sacred feminine sexuality, magic, darkness, and power. Women of the women’s movement, male Queens of Stone Wall, Black oceans fighting for civil rights, seers of truth, and bearers of the snake, we are joined by the beauty of all that is feminine and dark. Eyes of truth, I am devoted to she. In fiery love and unquenchable passion, I am Kali and Dionysus, screaming in mad hysteria as I dance through the chaos left in wake of unending need, desire, and longing. Beauty and vanity, my virtues as center attraction; I am Isolt of undying love and Pele of divine passion. See me!

C.D. Kirven (Chastity Kirven) was born in Waco and raised in Dallas, Texas. At age of sixteen Kirven wrote an article about corporal punishment which went over the AP wire and generated enough interest ultimately led to the restriction of its use in Texas public schools. Kirven graduated from Texas Woman’s University with a B.A. in Communications. As Outreach Coordinator, she assisted with saving a local food pantry program that serviced 3,000 homeless HIV patients. Kirven was a founding board member of DFW Pride Movement (The official Black Gay Pride organization) and was one of the ENDA 4 arrested in Speaker Pelosi’s DC office with Get Equal. A nationally-known artist, her artwork appeared at the Butch Voices Conference & was featured in the December 2009 issue of Curve Magazine. Her artwork was also featured in the ART AS A WEAPON exhibit held by Smoke & Mirrors Gallery in Dallas, Texas. Kirven is also well known drag king performer a*k*a Jamie Fauxx and performs for LGBT youth charities across the country. Kirven created the first GLBT cell phone documentary, about same sex intimate partner abuse, called The Dark Side of the Rainbow, which was featured at several film festivals around the country. Kirven also created the first Black lesbian superhero comic book series called: “The TAO Diaries”. Kirven’s motto: “Love life & it will love you back!”

Normally you would see Kasson Marroquin performing drag as Jake St. James with Mustache Envy and Panty Raid, so he’s excited to be branching out to try something new with such a talented group of people. No stranger to the stage in any capacity, he works as a freelance stage manager, electrician, and general technician for theaters through out Dallas. Whether performing, producing, or working tech on a production, Kasson is happiest when he’s among like-minded creative people.

Artemis Rose is a 3rd year undergraduate student double-majoring in Anthropology and Women’s & Gender Studies at Southern Methodist University where Mx. Rose is interested in feminist and queer theories. With v’s debut in Dallas’ queer vaudeville show, the Panty Raid, v is just beginning her pursuit in drag and spoken word, and hopes to move towards a performance art that confronts matters of sexuality, gender, race, etc. When not under towering stacks of notes, books, and articles, Mx. Rose likes long walks on the beach, Dr. Who, and vegan burgers.

Say Please Reading Tonight in New York City, And Sadly I Won’t Be There

I’ve just arrived in Toronto after a loooong day of driving. Kristen and I are staying visiting for Unholy Harvest, and sticking around for a few more events and to visit with some friends, including Mr. Gray at Aslan Leather. I’d never seen Niagra Falls before, it was a thrill this afternoon! As per our usual style, Kristen and I had some good big-picture talks about life, love, and the Sugarbutch Empire on the long (10 hour!) drive up. She made some disco mixes (including lots of Jessie Ware, who Kristen is pretty into these days) and we generally amused ourselves.

As I’m getting ready to turn on the streaming NPR concert that I’m pissed is happening in New York City tonight, I’m reminded that there’s something else exciting going on in New York this evening: a Say Please reading!

The reading series Between the Covers at Happy Ending Lounge is featuring writers from Say Please and The Harder She Comes: Butch/Femme Erotica tonight. If you’re looking for something to do, go on out and say I sent you. (That & $10 will get you a stiff drink.)

Details:

We’re putting the spotlight on Cleis Press, long-time publisher of sex-positive erotica. How? By welcoming editor D.L. King and contributors to The Harder She Comes:Butch/Femme Erotica and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica to the mic. Joining host Lori Perkins this month with their seductive, steamy stories, with D.L. King, Xan West, Aimee Herman, Elizabeth Thorne.

REMEMBER: Doors open at 7:00 so come early and socialize. Reading begins at 8:00 pm.
Enter our Dirty Word Draw at the reading for prize baskets filled with books, ebooks, and sundry kinky items! For your chance to win, write down your favorite dirty word and initial it (because great perv minds think alike). We’ll toss it in our basket and then it’s the luck of the draw!

RSVP on Facebook

Between the Covers
First Friday of the month. 7-10 p.m.
Free. Casual dress.
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome Street
New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-9676
www.happyendinglounge.com

I’ll aim to post some things from this trip, but if not, will talk to you next week when I get back.

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Toronto on October 9th at Glad Day Bookshop

You are invited to … A night of DIRTY QUEER SEX!

Tuesday, October 9th, 8pm
Glad Day Bookshop
598 Yonge St, Toronto, Ontario M4Y1Z3
RSVP on F

acebook!

Featuring readers from the SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA, and many special guests! Performers include Titus Androgynous, S. Bear Bergman, Drew Deveaux, Dorianne, Carrie Gray, and Andrea Zanin. Hosted by Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

In SAY PLEASE, Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

ABOUT THE EDITOR/HOST

Sinclair Sexsmith has been writing online since 1996 about identity, queer culture, feminism, and self-awareness, and teaches workshops on BDSM, gender, and getting the sex life you want. They produce the award-winning website Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. Contributing to more than fifteen anthologies, including five Best Lesbian Erotica editions, Persistence: Still Butch and Femme, and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, Mr. Sexsmith is also on the board of the upcoming 2013 BUTCH Voices conference, and serves the Body Electric School as a coordinator. They are the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and editor of Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both from Cleis Press. More information about their events, workshops, and projects at mrsexsmith.com.

ABOUT THE READERS

Titus Androgynous is a performer, writer and, when time permits, boxer. A contributor to the queer fashion blog, DapperQ, she began writing as a way to explore her emerging dapper-butch aesthetic. She is fresh from an acclaimed gender-bent production of Henry V, and can’t wait to tease you all with some salacious prose.

S. Bear Bergman (www.sbearbergman.com) is an author, a theater artist, an instigator, a gender-jammer, and a good example of what happens when you overeducate a contrarian. He is also the author or editor of three books for grown-ups, two books for kids, four award-winning solo performances, assorted contributions to anthologies on all manner of topics from the sacred to the extremely profane. A longtime activist, Bear continues to work at the points of intersection between and among gender, sexuality, and culture, and spends a lot of time trying to discourage people from installing traffic signals there.

Drew Deveaux, the mischievous activist, has been pushing the boundaries of queer activism from her perch in Toronto since 2005. As an educator, Drew coined the term ‘anti-cissexism’ training to re-conceptualize the way we do trans education and see it through an anti-oppresion lens. Drew has often remarked that “bedroom is the last frontier of social justice”. Seeking to showcase the sweet reality that trans women can be just as sexy and sublime as their cis counterparts, Drew entered the world of porn in 2009 and has since been a part of over 12 features as well as appearing on many websites. The accolades for her work started to quickly gush in, and they include being a Fleshbot Top 10 Crush Object of 2011 as well as winning the Hearthrob of the Year award at the 2011 Feminist Porn Awards.

Dorianne is a queer kinky sex enthusiast who writes in many genres including erotic short fiction. Her dirty work has been featured in The Mammoth Book Of Threesomes and Moresomes (Running Press), Best Women’s Erotica 2012 (Cleis Pres), issue #2 of Up & Coming Magazine, and on www.metanotherfrog.com. She is a regular reader at the Erotica Readers & Writers Meetup in Toronto. Visit her online at www.dorianneemmerton.com

Carrie Gray is a Toronto based BDSM educator, photographer, manufacturer and designer of strap on harnesses, bondage equipment and owner of ASLAN Leather Inc. Carrie has presented at The Floating World 2010, Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, Dark Odyssey WinterFire 2011, and has been teaching his classes through Good For Her in Toronto for over 10 years. Carrie identifies as a Gender Queer, Transgendered Butch and is a passionate advocate of BDSM as a self-empowering form of sexual, psychological and physical play. A lifestyle Daddy and Master, Carrie enjoys the discoveries that come from pushing the psychological and physical boundaries of top and bottom space through role play, the intimate power of spanking, flogging and the beautiful submission and control of bondage. Carrie’s scene experience and sadistic pleasures cover a variety of activities including knives, canes, needle play, single tails and age play. He believes that playing is an ongoing growth process and is always ready to learn new skills to share with others. With over 10 years experience as a BDSM educator Carrie shares his expertise and lessons in an engaging, open and entertaining format that encourages participants to learn through communication, play and participation.

When she’s not working on her PhD in women’s studies, Andrea Zanin travels the world to teach about sex and sadomasochism. Back at home, she co-organizes the annual Canadian leatherdyke weekend An Unholy Harvest and runs a pervy book club called The Leather Bindings Society. Andrea blogs at sexgeek.wordpress.com, writes the “Ask the Sex Geek” column for In Toronto magazine, and pens pervy porn, most recently for Tristan Taormino’s Lambda Award-winning “Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica,” the Leather issue of Salacious magazine, and the forthcoming D. L. King collection “Under Her Thumb: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance.”

Back on the Road … 2012-2013 Workshops and Travels: Booking Now!

It’s that time again! The kids are back to school, and I’m back on the road. Okay, so I never really stopped being on the road—this past year I have traveled more than I ever have before, and I love that this is now part of my job.

I’ve been working on my workshop offerings a lot in the last month or so. I had some photos taken to use as promotional materials, I redesigned both Sugarbutch and mrsexsmith.com and jazzed them up, and I’ve spent a lot of time on new workshop topics, structures, and outlines.

I’ve got some exciting new classes and talks I’m thrilled to start offering! Some of the new ones include:

  • Butch & Femme for the 21st Century (lecture)
  • Best Sex Ever!
  • From Sexual Shame to Sexual Mathlete
  • The Feminist Fist: Sensation, Power Dynamics, and Consent
  • How to Change the World Through Sex: Careers in Pleasure
  • The Sexual Politics of Topping
  • So You Want To Be A Daddy?
  • Protocol in D/s Relationships
  • Leaving Marks: Biting, Punching, Cutting, and More

Check out my updated workshop list with descriptions and details. I’ve also got two new snazzy PDFs—one aimed at colleges with more academic workshops about sex and gender, and one with my kink classes for sex toy stores and BDSM retreats and conferences.

I’m aiming to travel in October and November, and then again in February, March, April, and May. I already have many dates and aims for where I’ll be.

2012

October 17-19, Washington DC
October 20-21 Hartford, CT
October 26-28, Springfield, MA
November 2-4, Albany, NY
November 9-11, San Francisco, CA
November 14-15, Durham, SC
November 16-18, Austin, TX

November 22-24, Dallas, TX
November 25-30, Houston, TX
December 6-9 Seattle, WA

2013

January 25-27, Albany, NY
February 7-10, New Haven, CT
February 15-18, Washington, DC
March 1-3, Philadelphia, PA
April TBA, Toronto, ON
April 10-11, Knoxville, TN
April 18-21, San Francisco, CA
May 10-12, New York, NY
May 23-26, New Orleans, LA
June 14-16, Anchorage, AK
June 19-24, Baltimore, MD
July 17-21, Walton, WV
July 24-28, Albuquerque, NM
August 15-18, Oakland, CA
August 30-September 2, Baltimore, MD
September 11-15, Baltimore, MD
September 29, San Francisco, CA
October 25-27, Albany, NY
November 8-10, Albany, NY

I am looking to visit Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Jose, Sacremento, Reno, Carson City, Palo ALto, Chico, Chicago, New Orleans, Atlanta, Portland OR, Seattle, Vancouver BC, Portland ME, Boston, DC, Philadelphia, and wherever else y’all might want to bring me.

Are you in one of those cities? Do you want to do an event with me? I’m particularly looking for colleges and universities, but I am open to bookstores, sex toy stores, community centers, your living room for a house concert/performance, book groups … Email me, [email protected], and I’m glad to discuss options and compensation and possibilities.

Chicago! Fucking Forever, Dirty Queer Sex Reading, and Cock Confidence This Week

I kind of suck at blogging lately. I have been doing all these offline things—events, trainings, readings, workshops, traveling. Tons of marketing and promotion, very little writing. But I want to—and plan to—get back to more of that, soon. Maybe this week, even.

I leave for Chicago tomorrow and I’ll be doing three events Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night before returning to New York on Thursday. Hope y’all will come out and see me while I’m there! I’m trying to get the word out about this book every possible way I can, and that has included doing all sorts of workshops and performances in every place where the book has contributors—I’ve been in Atlanta and Portland already this month, and now Chicago! I am still kinda in love with this book, so I hope it’s helping to get it into your hands.

I’m not sure if you know, but it’s kind of a misnomer that people make money from writing books. I mean sure, the bigwigs make money, when they’re at major presses and have print runs in seven digits, but Cleis Press, while very widely distributed and respected, is still pretty small. I actually owe them money right now because I bought some copies of the book (which I have to pay for—at a discount, but still, out of my pocket) to use as promotion in the Amazon reviews and blog tour. I have been paying that off slowly while still trying to buy plane tickets to places like Chicago and Portland and Atlanta—which also come out of my pocket, Cleis doesn’t pay for those things. Most of these trips I have broken even, but none of them have I made any significant money.

So it really does make a big difference if you come out to these events. Your presence helps. I love a packed room, at workshops or at a Dirty Queer Sex Tour performance. Buying copies of the book helps—from me directly, at a reading, or online, it all helps. It’s where all my energy has been going to, so much so that I haven’t been keeping up with my writings here.

Hope to see you in Chicago!

MONDAY: Sparking Forever: Sex in Long Term Relationships

New relationship energy can propel a couple into a phenomenal experiential phase of sexual energy—bursts of passion, exploration, and intensity. Long term relationships, however, face the day-to-day life navigation of bills, scheduling, job and career difficulties or changes, disappointments, changes, and grief. How do we build a long term relationship that keeps the passion alive? How do we ensure we have enough time for our partner(s), and for ourselves? How do we both separate from our partner to have our own rich inner life and come back together to build a loving bond? And what kind of kinky play can be used to keep the fire going? We’ll explore all of these concepts and more at this interactive workshop.

RSVP on the Fetlife event or Facebook event
$20 per person ($15 low income/students). All adults welcome.
This workshop is being held at Early to Bed, at 5232 N Sheridan Road
7:30pm
Preregister and save your spot by visiting http://bit.ly/spark4ever or calling us at 773-271-1219

TUESDAY: Steamy: How to Write About Sex + Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Chicago

8-9pm: How to Write About Sex

To write about sex well, you need both the boldness to describe the dirty and delicious acts we humans explore, and the basic technical skills of plot, setting, and character. In this pen-to-paper writing workshop, we’ll look at some examples of successful and unsuccessful erotica, discuss how to write steamy love letters for your sweetheart, and discover how to take your blogging to the next level. We’ll also explore where to submit your erotica for publication, and some quick basics for editing your work.

9-10pm: Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Chicago

For the release of SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA, come join us in Chicago for dirty queer readings from contributors to the book and special guests!

ABOUT THE READERS

Christina is a Queer, Capital-S Submissive LeatherFemme with masochistic tendencies. She holds a Master’s Degree in English and Comparative Literature, and her writings often focus upon the complexity of the feminist Leatherwoman’s journey. Her free time is spent serving as the new International Ms Leather (IMsL) historian and archivist.

Vie La Guerre is a femme wordsmith who lives in Chicago with her kittens, Foxy Brown and Zora.

Lyzanne Trevino promotes sex-positive community health education and exploration of kinks and fetishes in her project SexPositiveBlog.com. She is also an LGBT youth advice columnist at AskGayWrites. She works with the Hot Queer Porn Fest committee in Chicago to ensure a place for trans* and queer porn, and although this queer femme is a newcomer to the world of writing queer erotica, she is a long-time reader and enthusiast.

RSVP on Fetlife or on Facebook for How to Write About Sex and the Dirty Queer Sex Tour
Preregister at The Pleasure Chest
at The Pleasure Chest
3436 North Lincoln Avenue

WEDNESDAY: Cock Confidence

Come learn the nuts and bolts of strapping it on and fucking. Writer and sex educator Sinclair Sexsmith will reveal the best cocks for packing, which options exist for pack-and-play and the ins and out of selecting a harness. You’ll learn about positions, how different products work, what “cock confidence” means, and the psychology behind strapping on and playing with a cock with a partner, or with oneself.

RSVP on Fetlife or Facebook
8-10pm
at The Pleasure Chest
3436 North Lincoln Avenue

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Portland! Sunday July 8th 7:30pm

Come hear Sinclair Sexsmith and local authors BB RYDELL, JOE LEBLANC, WENDI KALI, SOSSITY CHIRICUZIO and ALEKS STEFANOVA read kinky, dirty, queer smut including their stories from Say Please and celebrate this kinky queer collection. In Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, editor Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink: tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place — and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want.

Sunday, July 8th, 2012, 7:30pm
at She Bop the Shop
909 North Beech Street
Portland, OR
RSVP on Facebook

Sinclair Sexsmith has been writing since 1996 about identity, queer culture, feminism, and self-awareness, and teaches workshops on BDSM, gender, and getting the sex life you want. They produce the award-winning website Sugarbutch Chronicles. Contributing to more than fifteen anthologies, including five Best Lesbian Erotica editions and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, Mr. Sexsmith is also on the board of the upcoming 2013 BUTCH Voices conference, and serves the Body Electric School as a coordinator. They are the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

Sossity Chiricuzio is a working-class/fat/poly femme who hosts and produces Dirty Queer, a monthly X-rated open mic, fund-raiser, and community gathering. She has a CD, Hand to Mouth, and has released Stir the Juice, a book of erotic poetry about queer passion and adventure, in 2011. She lives in Portland.

Wendi Kali is a part-time writer and photographer and full-time motorcycle-riding butch. She is currently working on a manuscript about her life as a gender-bending butch. “First Ride” is her first publication. She currently resides in Portland.

Joe LeBlanc is a genderqueer poly butch who is the Founder and Board Chair for BUTCH Voices, a social justice organization for by and about butches, studs and masculine of center individuals. He is a lover of language and writes poetry while also advocating for gender and racial justice both as a community organizer and as a local Portland activist.

BB Rydell promotes queer visibility, expression and grass roots community building through writing, filmmaking and performance. This native New Yorker co-produces “Seattle Spit,” Seattle’s longest running monthly queer spoken word event, and is a member of the Producers Collective, an intentional artist and producer community that values social justice, camp, and diversity. BB is published in Tales of Travelrotica: Volume 2 and Penetalia, and has two self-published zines.

Aleks Stefanova Is a poet, activist, and a full time dreamer. The creator of Q Poetry, a network for queer poets, artists, activist, and other folk, she is on a journey to unite all queers through the art of poetry and spoken word in one safe but free for all zone. In July 2010, she recorded her first poetry CD titled 9 tales of love and loss. Recent Portland transplant she runs the monthly queer poetry slam (A Q Poetry Night) that features some of the best queer poets around the nation. She’s currently working on several different projects some of which are a collection of erotic poetry, a poetry chapbook, and a new CD all to be finished by the end of 2010. For more information, and some of her poetry go to q-poetry.ning.com/profile/aleks.

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Next Stop, Atlanta!

Holy cats, Hotlanta! It’s like 100* today. But at least Kristen and I have had some grits and really good biscuits already (Flying Biscuit cafe, folks, dang that was good). We flew out of New York at 6am this morning and have been slowly melting in the heat ever since we got here … but we’ll be in Atlanta until Monday morning, when we fly to Seattle for a little memorial for my dad with my family.

Meanwhile, though, I’m very excited to be visiting friends and seeing the queer version of Atlanta, I’ve never been here before and I’m looking forward to getting a sense of the city. I hope I will get a sense of the city, given the heat! Any recommendations for local things that we just must do?

Hope to see y’all out at Charis books tonight or tomorrow night, Friday the 29th or Saturday the 30th. Saturday we’ll be doing a Dirty Queer Sex Tour appearance with an all-femme lineup (except for me, of course)! And Kristen is going to read one of the dirtiest stories in the book. Here’s the info about the events.

Join us for a two day Stonewall weekend extravaganza celebrating queer sexuality and embodiment with butch blogger and sex writer Sinclair “Sugarbutch” Sexsmith. On Friday night Sinclair will take us on a wild ride towards body confidence for folks on the self-identified queer masculine side of the gender spectrum (butches, bois, transmen, studs, FTMs, Masculine of Center, genderqueer, gender non-conforming, or anybody in between!) .

Sinclair will return on Saturday night for a raucous reading from Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica. Sinclair will share stories from the anthology, talk about the state of sex blogging today, and offer tips to ignite your inner erotica writer! Learn more about Sinclair at www.sugarbutch.net. This event is sponsored by Charis Books and Atlanta Pride. There is $5 suggested donation each evening but no one will be turned away.

Friday, June 29th, 7:30-9pm: Radical Masculinity workshop
Saturday, June 30th, 7:30-9pm: Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Atlanta Edition

Charis Books and More
1189 Euclid Ave NE , Atlanta, Georgia
Facebook event

Performing on Saturday night will be:

Adriana Chiknas is a multifarious femme who is drawn to intensity. She loves her partner, crazy conventions, costumes, heavy metal, food, fantasy, and fucking. Adriana writes the stories of her life…primarily so that she doesn’t forget them. She believes in the power and importance of stories…and wants to hear yours too.

Big Red is an equal opportunity gender queer, fierce femme, who is a performance and Spoken Word Artist celebrated for her ability to “wear many different shoes”. In one pair of those shoes she is dedicated to facilitating personal and communal connection and healing, and in another equally empowering and self-embracing pair of red stilettos she works on various ways to encourage, support, and evoke opportunities to accept and create verbiage, experiences, and culture that is raw, creative, authentic, sensual, deeply intense, just, and intent on empowering, healing, and transforming self, relationships, and communities. With a proven and long standing commitment to education and training, one of her current passions is creating new connections while presenting at various Community events.

Kathleen Delaney is a Queer High Femme spoken word writer whose provocative & smutty performances ignite, shock, challenge, and eroticize Butch/Femme, Queer, and BDSM dynamics. A National touring veteran, Kathleen is the founder & producer of BODY HEAT: Femme Porn Tour, a collective of Femme porn performance artists. A 1950’s Housewife at heart, Kathleen is celebrating day 49 as a newly-wedded bride.

Kristen is a kinky queer femme bottom who occasionally contributes to Sugarbutch.net. She enjoys bruises, disco, and wearing as little clothing as possible. Follow her on twitter @kitchentop. You should try her cookies.

Looking for Atlanta & Chicago Dirty Queer Sex Readers

The Dirty Queer Sex Tour for my book Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, published by Cleis Press this past spring, has taken me to San Francisco, Seattle, LA, New York City, and Boston so far, and there is still more to go. This summer, I’ll be in Atlanta (this weekend, actually) and Chicago in the next month, places that have generously requested I come and do a reading, but I don’t have a full set of contributors to the book to read with me in those two places.

Are you in Atlanta or Chicago and write kinky queer stories? Or are you a fantastic performer or reader who would like to read someone else’s story? Are you available June 30 in Atlanta or July 24th in Chicago?

I’m looking for others to share the stage with in those two cities. Send a brief sample of what you would read (1-2 paragraphs) or a video clip of your reading to mrsexsmith (at) gmail.com and I will get back to you. Each reading has a limited number of slots and will be filled first come, first serve.

PS: My Tour Calendar has been updated! I’ll be in Chicago for a week at the end of July doing many workshops, including Writing About Sex, Fucking Forever: Sex in Long Term Relationships, and Cock Confidence. I’ll be stopping in Milwaukee, too!

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Butch Edition in LA, Friday May 25

Sugarbutch & Raquefella Present:
DIRTY QUEER SEX TOUR: BUTCH EDITION IN LA

For the release of SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA, come join us in LA for dirty readings from dirty butches, including Jeanne Cordova, D’Lo, Ian Harvie, [rife], Claudia Rodriguez, Sinclair Sexsmith, AJ Stacy, and MC Angie Evans.

ABOUT SAY PLEASE

In Say Please, Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

ABOUT SINCLAIR SEXSMITH

Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies and websites, including Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, she is the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012, and her first full-length erotica anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, was published by Cleis Press in April 2012. Mr. Sexsmith writes, teaches, and performs focusing on the subjects of sex, gender, and relationships. More information on her at mrsexsmith.com.

The event will be Friday, May 25, 2012, 7-9pm
at The Pleasure Chest
7733 Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood
http://www.thepleasurechest.com/losangeleshours.htm
Light refreshments will be provided

ABOUT THE READERS

Check out the hot sex scenes in rebel activist JEANNE CORDOVA’s latest memoir, When We Were Outlaws, on sale now at amazon.com. Other sex writing include essays in award-winning anthologies like: “Conversation With A Gentleman Butch” in Dagger: On Butch Women, “Cheap Gold, a Seduction” in Hot & Bothered 2, “The Mantra of Orgasm” in Viva Arts Quarterly’, “The New Politics of Butch” in Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme, and “Butches, Lies & Feminism” in Persistent Desire: A Femme Butch Reader.

D’LO has performed and/or facilitated performance and writing workshops extensively (US, Canada, UK, Germany, Sri Lanka and India). D’Lo is also the creator of the “Coming Out, Coming Home” writing workshop series which have taken place with South Asian and/or Immigrant Queer Organizations nationally (LA, NY and SF). D’Lo’s work has been published in various anthologies and academic journals, most recently: Desi Rap: Hip Hop and South Asia America and Experiments in a Jazz Aesthetic (co-edited by Sharon Bridgforth). D’Lo holds a BA from UCLA in Ethnomusicology and is a graduate of New York’s School of Audio Engineering (SAE).

Equal parts candor and deadpan humor, IAN HARVIE’s distinctive matter-of-fact delivery and almost surreal anecdotes about the intricacies of his exceptional life are so full of humanity that they become universal. Ian’s observations about gender-specific societal codes, privilege, coming out twice, and learning new bathroom etiquette, will have you peeing your pants and wanting to check your neighbor’s pants to see what’s inside. He’s the world’s first FTM transgender comic, put in context; make his anecdotes about his own phobia of public restrooms all the more side-splitting. Ian’s performance makes you think and wonder, but most importantly, it makes you laugh. Ian just filmed his first one-hour standup comedy film for cable television and was Executive Produced by iconic queer Comic and friend, Margaret Cho. He’s also been seen on ABC’s Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen and LOGO’s One Night Standup. Follow his ramblings on Twitter @ianharvie or check out his tour schedule at www.ianharvie.com

[rife] is a genderqueer leatherboy from Texas. They work as the lead artist for the GENDER book project, which is a visual primer on all things gender. When he isn’t doing that, he can be found doodling, pulling prints, welding, walking in the woods, or getting flogged by some butch hottie. Mel has a BA in studio arts from Rice University and even though he’s a recent transplant to Oakland, he will always be a cowboi at heart. Follow his work at www.thegenderbook.com or see more of rife’s art at www.rowdyferret.com.

CLAUDIA RODRIGUEZ, writer, organizer, performance artists and AIDS activist is from Compton, CA. She received her MFA in creative writing from the California Institute of the Arts (CalArts). Claudia’s play “Cosa Rara” was a semi-finalist in both the Asuncion Playwrights Project national competition out of Teatro Pregones in Bronx New York and the Sherwood Award sponsored by the Center Theater Group in Los Angeles. Most recently Claudia’s work has appeared in Baby Remember My Name: An Anthology of New Queer Girl Writing edited by Michelle Tea. Claudia received the Emerging Lesbian Writer award from the Astraea Foundation in 2001. She is also a founding member of Butchlalis de Panochtitlan, a Los Angeles-based multimedia performance ensemble renders cartographies of desire, identity, and localized histories on the bodies they walk in as they perform themselves, each other, imagined characters and caricatures.

Dirty Queer Sex Tour in Seattle! Tomorrow

You are invited to … A night of DIRTY QUEER SEX!

Featuring readers from the SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA anthology released by Cleis Press in April 2012, and many special guests! Performers include Miss Indigo Blue, Amy Butcher, BB Rydell, Lydia Swartz, & Elaina Ellis. Hosted by Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

In Say Please, Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies and websites, including Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, she is the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012, and her first full-length erotica anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, will be published by Cleis Press in April 2012. Mr. Sexsmith writes, teaches, and performs focusing on the subjects of sex, gender, and relationships. More information on her at mrsexsmith.com.

8pm, Wednesday May 2nd
Babeland, 707 East Pike
Seattle, WA
RSVP on Facebook
RSVP on Fetlife

ABOUT THE READERS:

Miss Indigo Blue is reigning queen of burlesque, Miss Exotic World 2011, and a Comic Queen of the New Burlesque Dancer, Teacher and Strip-Tease Artiste. Miss Indigo has performed across the globe, is a three-time award-winner at the annual Miss Exotic World competition, and currently holds the First Runner Up title from the Jenny Lee Tassel Twirling. Miss Indigo founded BurlyQ Queer Cabaret in 2002, which now has outcroppings in New York and London. Miss Indigo currently performs as a soloist *and* with the Emerald City All-Stars and the Atomic Bombshells, to be one of the most sought-after performers in the Northwest. Miss Indigo Blue is also the President and Chief Twirling Officer of TwirlyGirl.net, creating exquisite pasties for discriminating nipples, and the founder and Headmistress of the Academy of Burlesque in Seattle. She has teaches Tassel Twirling and Teasing techniques in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London and Seattle. Miss Indigo Blue is based in Seattle, WA. http://www.missindigoblue.com/

Amy Butcher is exactly that and when she isn’t wrestling with the responsibilities of that twist of nomenclatural destiny she writes, facilitates workshops and does massage in San Francisco. Her murder mystery Paws for Consideration will be published in 2012. Find her at amybutcher.com

Elaina M. Ellis is a poet, based in Seattle. In January 2010, she quit her day job. She full-time writes to worship, to recover, to seduce, to fight back, to play, to confess, and to make messes. http://www.elainaellis.com/

BB Rydell promotes queer visibility, expression and grass roots community building through writing, filmmaking and performance. This native New Yorker co-produces “Seattle Spit,” Seattle’s longest running monthly queer spoken word event, and is a member of the Producers Collective, an intentional artist and producer community that values social justice, camp, and diversity. BB is published in Tales of Travelrotica: Volume 2 and Penetalia, and has two self-published zines.

Lydia Swartz is a flaneur, novelist, pornographer, poet, performer, & hardcore introvert. She crafts idiosyncratic interactive pieces & lurks near mics toting grocery bags bulging with props. She was on the 2011 Seattle Erotic Arts Festival Literary Arts Jury & only wanked 3 times. In vanilla life, she is a propaganda minister for safety net health care. She lives with her wife of 12 years & a fucking menagerie.

30 Days, 30 Blog Posts: The Virtual Say Please Tour is Over

April’s Say Please virtual (blog) tour has come to an end. Thirty posts in thirty days across many different blog platforms, group blogs and individuals, filled with praises and critiques. It’s been fascinating to read all of them and I highly recommend reading through them.

(I’ve been trying to keep up over at the Say Please blog, but I’m behind. I’m working on it!)

Viviane at The Sex Carnival
Rachel Kramer Bussel at Lusty Lady
Giselle Renard at Donuts & Desires
Evoe Throw at Whole Sex Life
Liz at Alpha Harlot
Roma Mafia at RomaMafia.com
Daniela at the CSPH
Sinclair (me!) at Sugarbutch Chronicles
Dede at Deviantdyke
Helena Swann at Cuntext
Kim Herbel at Butchlesque
Kelli Dunham at KelliDunham.com
Lily Lloyd at The Black Leather Belt
Lyzanne at the Sex Positive Blog
Lula Lisbon at LulaLisbon.com
Ali Oh at Made of Words
Jameson at FTM Butch Dude
Charlie Ninja at CharlieNina.tumblr.com
Meredith Guy at MeridithGuy.tumblr.com
Wendi Kali at A Stranger In This Place
Lolita Wolf at Leather Yenta
Audrey at Babeland
Seth at Smoke Belly’s Corner
Danika at the Lesbrary
DL King at DLKingErotica.blogspot.com
Kyle at Butchtastic
Kiki Delovely at KikiDelovely.wordpress.com
Dilo Keith at DiloKeith.wordpress.com
Xan West at TG Stone Butch

Thank you all, so very much, for being part of this! I am so glad you enjoyed the book and thank you for your comments.

Next up for Say Please: Mini-interviews with the contributors! I’m excited to showcase their thoughts about their stories, and will be posting them throughout May and beyond.

I hope you have had a chance to get a copy of the book and to start reading through the stories, and if you haven’t yet, I’m still on tour and will be visiting Seattle, Portland, Atlanta, Chicago, and Toronto this summer and fall.

Order a Signed Copy of Say Please

Now that Say Please is officially out in the world, and you know that you can get your copy from many different places, you might be asking, how do I get a signed copy?

You’ll have to get that directly from me, I think, considering I haven’t exactly signed a backstock of them for Barnes & Noble (yet).

So here’s the info. The books are $15 and flat rate US shipping is $4, so $19 will get you a signed book anywhere in the US. If you’d like two books to the same address, save the shipping and I’ll send ’em for $30. Outside the US, shipping is a bit more, so that total is $23.

When you pull down the option you want it’ll give you an option to “add a message to the seller”—that’s where you put the inscription you’d like, if you want me to make it out to someone in particular, or say something special (like “thanks for last night” … ).

If you’ve already purchased a copy of the book, I can send you a Say Please postcard that I’ve signed if you’d like to use it as a bookmark, or a bookplate that you can paste into your copy. Email me, mrsexsmith (at) gmail.com.

Of course, you can always attend one of the in person release party events and get your copy signed there!


Shipping




Say Please Release Party in NYC This Friday

There’s a release party for Say Please this Friday … this week is super busy, I know, but I’m really thrilled to be showing off this collection and I’m excited to read with all these fabulous folks. Vie La Guerre is coming all the way from Chicago and I haven’t ever met Elizabeth! I don’t think Miss Kitchentop will have any time to bake anything delicious, but I will probably pick up something awesome for us to nosh on while we are squirming in our seats.

Thank you Cleis, thank you Bluestockings, thank you contributors for helping to make this happen. Now all we need is the audience!

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: New York City
at Bluestockings, 172 Allen Street, Lower East Side
New York City
7pm on Friday, April 13th
RSVP on Fetlife
RSVP on Facebook

Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

Featuring Dusty Horn, DL King, Vie La Guerre, Sassafras Lowrey, Miriam Zoila Pérez, Elizabeth Thorne, and Xan West, hosted by Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies and websites, including Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, she is the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012, and her first full-length erotica anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, will be published by Cleis Press in April 2012. Mr. Sexsmith writes, teaches, and performs focusing on the subjects of sex, gender, and relationships. More information on her at mrsexsmith.com.

ABOUT THE READERS:

Dusty Horn’s erotica has been published by Cleis in Orgasmic and Best Bondage 2011, her sex culture reportage on CarnalNation.com, and her critical theory of sex work in AORTA magazine. A BDSM professional, queer pornographer, kink educator, social worker, and rocknroll exhibitionist slut, Dusty is (in)famous for her spanking booths.

Editor of Carnal Machines, Spank, The Sweetest Kiss, and Where the Girls Are, D.L. King has contributed short stories to Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Women’s Erotica, Girl Crazy, and Broadly Bound, among others. She’s published two novels and edits the erotica review site Erotica Revealed. Find her at www.dlkingerotica.com.

Vie La Guerre is a femme wordsmith who lives in Chicago with her kittens, Foxy Brown and Zora.

Sassafras Lowrey (www.PoMoFreakshow.com) is an international award–winning storyteller, author, artist, and educator. Sassafras is the editor of the Kicked Out anthology, which brought together the voices of current and former homeless LGBTQ youth. Her prose has been included in numerous anthologies and she regularly teaches LGBTQ storytelling workshops at colleges and conferences across the country. Sassafras lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her family.

Miriam Zoila Pérez (www.miriamzperez.com) is a Cuban-American writer, blogger, and reproductive justice activist. She is the founder of RadicalDoula.com and an editor at Feministing.com. Her essays have been included in various anthologies, including Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. Pérez lives in Brooklyn.

Elizabeth Thorne began writing erotic stories when she was working in a place known as The Sex Lab. It was an act of desperation since, ironically enough, studying sex kept her too busy to meet anyone larger than a mouse… and unlike Cinderella she doesn’t actually swing that way. These days, Elizabeth spends her time sitting around in her PJs writing popular science during the day and erotic romance at night. She has contributed to more than a dozen anthologies of erotica and erotic romance and is proud to be the author of “The Gingerbread Dungeon,” a collection of pansexual BDSM fairy tales. You can find her online at withbatedbeth.com.

Xan West is the pseudonym of an NYC BDSM/sex educator. Xan’s “First Time Since” won honorable mention for the 2008 NLA John Preston Short Fiction Award. Xan has appeared in many anthologies, including Best SM Erotica 2 & 3, Best Women’s Erotica 2008 & 2009, and Best Lesbian Erotica 2011.

Say Please is Officially Released!

Today is the official release date for Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica! Between a few Amazon reviews and various folks on the virtual tour, there are a lot of comments about the book coming my way, and it’s been so fun to hear what y’all think about it.

Say the magic word and fulfill your deepest desires for discipline and surrender, domination and submission, and the heightened sensations of BDSM play. One request opens up a fantasy world of classic dungeon scenes, bondage and restraint, floggers and spankings, sadism and masochism, very hot sex and so much more. True to form, Sexsmith queers classic gender dynamics, with a femme daddy in Alysia Angel’s “Feathers Have Weight,” and genderqueer bois who earn their right to flag black in Sassafras Lowrey’s “Black Hanky.” In “The Cruelest Kind,” Kiki DeLovely’s naughty narrator gets her just desserts from her butch in a back alley. D.L. King’s top makes her submissive strip before an unseen audience in “A Public Spectacle.” Face slapping can be a hard limit or the most delicious craving, as Rachel Kramer Bussel’s protagonist finds out in “A Slap in the Face.” Whether you dream of surrendering to a lover or of weilding your power, Say Please to the erotic inspiration within.

Some current praise from the book tour:

“Each story has a different kink and a different bit of style. Every time the page turned, I got more wet.” —AlphaHarlot

“”Unworthy as I am” [the last story in the book] is a gentle wrap up of the book. Well, not gentle in the play, as you follow caning, piercing, and various delicious forms of torture. But the end of the story, with the collaring scene, can almost bring tears to your eyes, as you feel that this collar is for each submissive in the book, a honor of completion.” —Nina

“The stories were detailed enough to get you into it (soo into it!) but also left somethings up to your own imagination. The stories are hot, and makes you want to try more and more kinky things.” —skysbirdsnplanes

“I was delighted by the wide swathe of kink that this literary erotica cut through my imagination. I’m always interested in the myriad ways that gender expresses itself and Say Please is full of variety. The BDSM quotient zoomed through all of my favorites (except CBT, for obvious reasons) and right into areas that pushed my comfort levels. In other words, it was so hot to read that I had to get myself off.” —Evoë

“Despite the impressive amount of silicone being used to tease, tantalize, and teach lessons in this collection, it remains exceptionally diverse. Though the authors had to conform to the theme of “lesbian BDSM”, both of those labels were interpreted in a variety of ways, loosely and enthusiastically. In “Say Please,” there are no baselines, no stereotypes, and certainly no “scissoring.” As the coquettish narrator of August InFlux’s “Counting Love” assures us when telling us to leave the candy hearts at home, the best acts of love are not universal. To me, “Say Please” is a beautifully structured vessel carrying creative, courageous, highly individualized demonstrations of respect and admiration.” —Roma Mafia

“Let me tell you, I said please more than once to this lovely little book…. These contributing writers had me on edge – on the edge of mental orgasms too which are just lovely!- so many times that I felt myself slowly submitting to the conditions and quality that came along with this well endowed book.” —DeDe Delynn

Have you picked up your copy yet? What do you think? I’m dying to know. What’s your favorite story? Which line just really got to you? Which author do you adore and are you going to look up all their other stuff?

Buy it on Amazon
Buy it on Kindle
Buy it at B&N
Buy it on Nook
Buy the ebook through iTunes
Buy it through IndieBound.org

Dirty Queer Sex Book Tour for Say Please Kicked Off April 1

Yesterday marked the first event in the DIRTY QUEER SEX BOOK TOUR for Say Please at Good Vibrations in San Francisco, and I had a great time. My buddy Butcher and I both took quite a few photos, and as soon as I get those off the camera I’ll post ’em.

I’ve returned from IMsL (whew! What a whirlwind! More about that soon) and the next Say Please event is in New York City on April 13th. But meanwhile, the Virtual Tour for the book kicked off yesterday too, and you can follow along as writers from all over are sharing their thoughts on my new book.

I am so excited to introduce to you the 27 writers and blogs that will be hosting the Say Please Dirty Queer Sex virtual book tour this April. I hope you have a chance to check out their posts about Say Please as well as their other work. The first post is up already (thanks Viviane!) and there are many more to come. Thanks to all who have agreed to host and participate in this tour with me!

April 1      Say Please release party in SF
April 1 Viviane http://www.thesexcarnival.com
April 3 Rachel Kramer Bussel http://lustylady.blogspot.com
April 4 Giselle Renard http://donutsdesires.blogspot.com
April 5 Evoe Throw http://www.wholesexlife.com
April 6 Liz http://AlphaHarlot.com
April 9 Roma Mafia http://www.romamafia.com
April 9 Daniela http://www.thecsph.org
April 10 Official release date! Sinclair http://www.sugarbutch.net
April 11 Dede / deviantdyke http://deviantdyke.blogspot.com/
April 12 Helena Swann http://www.cuntext.com
April 13 Kim Herbel http://www.butchlesque.com
April 13   Say Please release party in NYC
April 14 Lily Lloyd http://theblackleatherbelt.com
April 15 Kelli Dunham http://www.kellidunham.com
April 16 Lyzanne http://sexpositive.tumblr.com/
April 17 Lula Lisbon http://www.lulalisbon.com
April 18 Ali Oh http://www.madeofwords.com
April 19 Jameson http://www.ftmbutchdude.com
April 20 Rhys http://girlfriendjunction.org
April 21 Charlie Ninja http://charlieninja.tumblr.com/
April 22    Say Please release party in Boston
April 22 Meredith Guy http://meridithguy.tumblr.com
April 23 Wendi Kali http://astrangerinthisplace.blogspot.com
April 24 Lolita Wolf http://leatheryenta.com
April 25 Audrey at Babeland http://babeland.com/blog
April 26 Seth B http://smokebellyscorner.wordpress.com
April 27 Danika http://www.lesbrary.com
April 28 DL King http://dlkingerotica.blogspot.com
April 29 Kiki http://kikidelovely.wordpress.com
April 29 Kyle http://www.butchtastic.com
April 30 Dilo Keith http://dilokeith.wordpress.com/blog-2/
April 30 Xan West http://tgstonebutch.livejournal.com/
May 2 Say Please release party in Seattle

I’m at IMsL! (So Of Course I Got a Haircut)

Thanks, Tomcats, as usual, for the ability to not really think that hard about my hair and still have it look good.

So I’m in San Francisco this week! I was at Mills College doing a Radical & Responsible Gender workshop last night (hi Colleen! Hi Jack! That was fun!), and this weekend I’ll be at the International Ms Leather contest and conference, and I’m really stoked to be here. I’ve never been before but it’s been on my radar for many years. I’m really looking forward to many of the workshops (and who knows, maybe I’ll discover some new presenters who might want to come do some things for the Lesbian Sex Mafia in New York City?) and to the social time too, hanging out with the incredible folks who are going to be here.

I’ve got some copies of Say Please hot off the presses! And I’m doing a reading at Good Vibes (Polk Street) on Sunday at 5pm if you’d like to come to that—in addition to me, it’ll be readers from Say Please, Best Lesbian Erotica 2012, and Salacious Magazine’s Leather issue. It’ll be debaucherous and fun. I’m now calling the whole Say Please tour the DIRTY QUEER SEX TOUR, and still working on dates (Chicago! Portland! Hi I want to come visit!) and hope I can get out to many more places this summer and fall.

The virtual Say Please DIRTY QUEER SEX book tour kicks off on April 1—more info on that shortly.

If you’re at IMsL and see me, say hi!

Say Please! April Blog Tour & Reviewers Needed

A big ol’ box of Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica edited by ME and published by Cleis Press has arrived on my doorstep! I am so thrilled to hold this book in my hands and pet it and flip through it, after more than a year of working on it behind the scenes, on my computer, alone, jerking off in bed with the manuscript I mean uh, editing and copy editing and re-editing.

And now … comes the exciting part! The birthing it into the world part! The part where I figure out how to get it into your hands and on your nightstands and between your boxspring and mattress and on your kinky bookshelves. So I’ve got a few things up my sleeve, including six inches a virtual blog book tour and some extra copies for reviewers.

The official promo blurb:

Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica is a fiction anthology edited by Sinclair Sexsmith, to be published by Cleis Press in April 2012. It is available for pre-order at Amazon and will be available for the Kindle and Nook. Email lesbianbdsmerotica at gmail.com if you have any questions; to request a review copy, email Brenda Knight at bknight at cleispress.com. For more information about Say Pleaes series, visit saypleasebook.wordpress.com.

Item the first! Reviewers needed for Amazon

Apparently, book sales on Amazon set the standard for many other buyers these days, and reviews on Amazon (even clicking “like” on Amazon) make a big difference in possible sales. So I’ve got 20 copies of the book to give to folks who are willing to write a review on Amazon. To do this, you must: have an Amazon.com account you’ve made a purchase from, have a US mailing address, promise to review it by April 31st and actually follow through. Will send one to the first 20 people to request it. Email lesbianbdsmerotica at gmail.com with “Amazon” in the subject line, your mailing address. I’ve got more than enough Amazon volunteers! Thank you!

Item the Second! Blog Tour

In April, surrounding the book’s official April 10th release date, I’ll be conducting a virtual blog tour for the book! That means: If you are a blogger, and you’d like a copy of the book to review on your blog on a particular day of the tour, I’ll send you one in exchange for your participation. To participate, you agree to post on your corresponding day; posts can be your thoughts about the book, an excerpt, or an interview with me or another contributor. Email lesbianbdsmerotica at gmail.com with “Blog tour” in the subject line, and include a link to your blog and any pertinent information about the site you run. Deadline is March 31st, but I will fill it as I go, so please email me asap.

Item the Third! Preorder the Book!

If you do plan to buy it, as with all books, pre-ordering them has a dual impact on the book’s sales, meaning your sale counts not just for one book, but means that the bookseller your purchasing from will stock extra copies. All sales are great, but pre-orders are extra special, a heads up as a way to support your favorite authors.

Item the Fourth! In Person Tour in Boston, Seattle, San Francisco, NYC, and More to Come (So To Speak)

I am trying to get all over the place to read from this book … I still hope to visit Durham, Chicago, and Portland, and possibly Philadelphia and DC. If you’re a coordinator or event producer in any of those places, or in a different place!, and you’d like to help me with a reading, I’d love that. Get in touch.

Here are the current planned dates:

April 1 5pm, San Francisco at GV (with Salacious)
April 13 7pm, NYC at Bluestockings
April 22, Boston at a bar (with The Femme Show)
May 2, Seattle at Babeland
November 29, Toronto TBA (Facebook invite to come)

Item the Last! Get the Word Out, Buy a Copy, Let me Know What You Think!

I am beside myself with curiosity about how this book will be received. What do you think of it? What is your favorite story? Which lines stand out? Which authors were particularly impressive, whether you’ve read them before or will seek them out to read again? What themes did you love (or hate)? What did you wish there was more of? I would love feedback about this. After all, it’s the first anthology that is wholly mine, cover to cover, and I would love to do more of these in the future (hope hope).

I hope you’ll find a way to get in touch and tell me your thoughts, I am so very curious.

Say Please: Dirty Queer Sex Tour Kicks Off April 1 in San Francisco


IMsBB 2011 & Sugarbutch Present:
Dirty Queer Sex Reading
at Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk Street, San Francisco
5pm on April 1, 2012

Featuring August InFlux, Amy Butcher, Andrea Zanin, Ashley Young, T.R. Moss, and rife, from Salacious Magazine: Leather issue; Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica; and Best Lesbian Erotica. Join us for an evening of debaucherous, dirty smut written by and for queers. Take a sexy break from a whirlwind of delicious leather, kink, and sex to additionally stimulate your … brains.

Hosted by KD Diamond, editor of Salacious Magazine and International Ms Bootblack 2011, & Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012

RSVP on Facebook!

The fabulous readers:

Amy Butcher is exactly that and when she isn’t wrestling with the responsibilities of that twist of nomenclatural destiny she writes, facilitates workshops and does massage in San Francisco. Her murder mystery Paws for Consideration was published in 2011. Find her at amybutcher.com

Andrea Zanin, a.k.a. Sex Geek, wears glasses when she fucks. For over a decade, she has been teaching about queer sexuality, polyamory and BDSM/leather for universities, colleges, sex shops, community groups and conferences in Canada, the States and internationally, and she takes an anti-oppression approach to all her work. Andrea is pursuing a PhD in women’s studies at York University with a focus on Canadian leatherdyke history. She writes about alternative sexuality for numerous newspapers and magazines, blogs at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/, and pens erotic fiction (recently appearing in Tristan Taormino’s “Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica”). Andrea co-organizes the annual Canadian leatherdyke weekend An Unholy Harvest, runs a pervy book club called The Leather Bindings Society and judges the occasional leather contest (including IMsL 2009). She lives in Toronto and enjoys doing yoga, cultivating M/s relationships with exceptionally high-quality individuals, eating fine dark chocolate and wearing really nice shoes.

August InFlux (augustinflux.wordpress.com) is brand-new to the wonderful world of writing. By day, she wanders around San Jose State University (California) campus as Big Queer Activist. By night she hides in her Bat Cave and homeworks it up until the wee hours of the morning. On weekends, she dons the guise of a housewife and bakes up a storm in her apron and high heels. She loves being femme, as a boy or a girl, and thinks monogamy as it relates to her is silly.

Ashley Young aka Indigo is a sex blogger, educator and smut writer. She is the creator of Indigo’s Theory, a blog about her experiences as a poly queer black women navigating the BSDM/Kink Community in New York City and beyond. Indigo also writes a column called “Indigo’s Poly Beginnings” for Fearless Press, an online magazine about the intersection of life and sex. Her column focuses on the development of her polyamorous relationship with a partner Sara Vibes – International Ms Leather 2011, as well as her experience in the leather women’s community. Alongside her partner, she has taught workshops on sexuality and BDSM practices at Dark Odyssey: Fusion, International Mr. Leather 2011 and the LGBT Center in New York City and is a faculty member for Kink Academy, an online education resource for the BDSM community. Indigo’s erotic writing has been featured in Salacious Magazine Issue #2 and she is a contributor to “The Perverts of Color Anthology” to be published in 2012.

T.R. Moss’s erotica has appeared in various publications including Best Lesbian Erotica anthologies and most recently, Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch Femme Erotica.

[rife] is a genderqueer leatherboy from Texas. They work as the lead artist for the GENDER book project, which is a visual primer on all things gender. When he isn’t doing that, he can be found doodling, pulling prints, welding, walking in the woods, or getting flogged by some butch hottie. Mel has a BA in studio arts from Rice University and even though he’s a recent transplant to Oakland, he will always be a cowboi at heart. Follow his work at www.thegenderbook.com or see more of rife’s art at www.rowdyferret.com.

And your hosts:

kd, International Ms Bootblack 2011, is equal parts bootblack to artist. The very nature of leathercare, leather worship, and leather community are all similar and connected to the core of being an artist. kd uses her art as a platform for conversation and education, and similarly uses her bootblacking as a means to support her community, open up dialogues about leather, and get her hands good and dirty. kd is also the creator of SALACIOUS, a queer feminist anti-racist sex magazine, looks to meld high art, stunning visuals, and written erotica. www.salaciousmagazine.com.

Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies and websites, including Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, she is the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012, and her first full-length erotica anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, will be published by Cleis Press in April 2012. Mr. Sexsmith writes, teaches, and performs focusing on the subjects of sex, gender, and relationships. More information on her at mrsexsmith.com.

Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica is Coming To Your Town … Spring Tour 2012

It’s happening! Say Please readings and bookings have begun. So far, I have two dates:

April 12 – New York City at Bluestockings
April 22 – Boston, venue TBA

And a few more in progress, to be scheduled ASAP:
March 27 or April 1 – San Francisco
May 1/2 – Portland
May 3/7 – Seattle

I still don’t have dates for these, but I want to make it here in April/May:
Chicago
Durham, NC
Atlanta

If you’re interested in reading or helping me to create a reading in your city, please let me know ASAP! The easiest way for me to ensure that I can make it (especially to those three cities I have yet to book) is to get a gig at a college which can actually pay me. If you’ve got any contacts in these cities, please let me know.

“Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of lesbian kink …” Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica Book Cover, Due Date, & Table of Contents

I’m thrilled to announce the table of contents and cover for my upcoming (and very first!) anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, coming in April 2012 from Cleis Press.

The description, via Amazon:

Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of lesbian kink — tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place — and held there firmly. A girly-girl reaps a sweet punishment for refusing to mess up her oh-so-pink lipstick and a well-equipped top takes charge. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want!

In “The Cruelest Kind,” Kiki Delovely’s naughty narrator gets her just desserts from her butch girlfriend with some fierce back alley bondage while D.L. King’s domme makes her submissive strip before un unseen audience, binds her to a bench, and gives her a good strapping in “A Public Spectacle.” Anna Watson’ bored housewife gets more than she bargains for in “The Keys” when she follows a lesbian animal trainer out to a queer bar and anything goes in Xan West’s sexy “Strong” when a transgender butch and genderqueer sub engage in some very tough love.

And here are the contents. I am SO thrilled to have so many pieces by amazing writers. Seriously, these are some of the best of the best, I can’t wait to see the whole thing all together.

Introduction by Sinclair Sexsmith

Baseball Cap by Miriam Perez
First Ride by Wendi Kali
A Slap in the Face by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Housewife by Gigi Frost
Call Me Sir by BB Rydell
All of Me by Amelia Thornton
Taking Direction by Vie La Guerre
Black Hanky by Sassafras Lowrey
Spanking Booth by Dusty Horn
The Cruelest Kind by Kiki Delovely
Going the Distance by Elaine Miller
She Spoiled Me by Shawna Elizabeth
Gentleman Caller by Sossity Chiricuzio
Three Weeks and Two Days by Meridith Guy
Counting Love by August InFlux
Purge by Marie See
A Public Spectacle by DL King
The Keys by Anna Watson
Coming of Age by Dilo Keith
Not Without Permission by Sinclair Sexsmith
Feathers Have Weight by Alysia Angel
Strong by Xan West
Unworthy As I Am by Elizabeth Thorne

I’ve created a Twitter account for Say Please, a Facebook page, and a Twitter list to follow the authors, so you can keep up with all of us if you’d like. There is nothing at all at the book’s wordpress site yet, but there will be.

Keep an eye out for a blog tour, book release party in New York, review copies, and readings around the country, including (but hopefully not limited to) New York City, Seattle, Portland, Durham, and Boston.

I am so excited about this!