A bird shat (is that really a word?) on my head this morning. Supposedly, this sort of thing is lucky, but I’m not sure I buy it. I just thought, well … at least my day can’t really get much worse.At the time I was talking to The Girlfriend, standing outside of my subway entrance, feeling the minutes tick by as I became later and later to work. She wanted to talk and process. I wanted to tell her some specific things about me and needing her and our relationship, but it became an odd tense argument and I think we both got our feelings hurt.

i’m not really even sure what we were arguing about this morning, or what the conflict was. i thought about it the whole way to work and still can’t quite figure it out. maybe i was just tired and didn’tprocess that information well enough in my brain to retain it - always possible with me in the morning. i’m sorry about that.

all i wanted to say is i love you, i’m confused, i’m hurting, and it seems like things are changing - sometimes awkward, sometimes good. idon’t want it to be that way. the only move forward that I can thinkof to start working on those unresolved feelings is to sit down and have a conversation for more than five minutes - an honest, realconversation, for a few hours - and I want to figure out when to dothat. but in looking at my schedule I barely have any time …

I guess that’s where part of the conflict was - I was saying I need four hours to talk, you were saying you just want me to payattention/call me when I say I will/etc. I am really sorry about not calling you the night my friend came into town. that was very rude of me. but I can’t keep apologizing for it over &over again. I fucked up, I’m sorry. I can’t do anything else about it. I take responsibility for it, I am sorry I hurt you, that wasn’t niceof me. what is it that I’m not saying that would help this resolve?

I do understand that you have a lot going on right now, that you havethings that aren’t me. I wish I could help more, I want to hear about what’s going on with you. I keep asking you to explain it or tell meabout it and it feels like you just pull away and look at me as thoughI don’t really care, but am just asking because I think I have to.that’s not true. I really do want to know about it. I hate thiswithholding push-pull that we do.

I don’t want us to stop talking or stop seeing each other, but I justneed you to know that i’m so so confused and hurting and in love withyou sometimes and missing you and stressed and falling apart rightnow. and I suspect that you are too. and I’m looking forward at myweek - two weeks, three weeks - and every day is so full. I don’t wantmy lack of phone calls or presence or calling you back or ANYTHING tobe construed as my lack of interest or my sweeping you away or my notneeding you.

that’s what I really want to say, what I was trying to say:
- i love you
- i want to talk to you
- but when i look forward to my next couple weeks, i don’t know if/when i’ll be able to, cause i’m juggling too much, and
- that is not because i don’t care about you, love you, and want to talk to you

… and I need you to know that because I’m not sure what’s going tohappen with me in these busy days. I will do my very best to staypresent and available and around.

I just didn’t feel like you were hearing me. I wanted that to be clearand intentional and from a loving place and I didn’t understand why Iwas getting attacked. or why I felt attacked. I know I’m not doingthis breakup/get back together/fix our relationship stuff very well,but I’m trying to do the best I can, and trying to fix things when Isee that I’m being a jerk.

you’re right about me saying “i’ll fix it later” etc and how unfairthat is when I’m trying to use it on you now. it sucks that sometimesmy relationship is not the very most important thing that I’m doing.but sometimes it just can’t be. it’s so emotional, so painfulsometimes, and I am getting so overwhelmed that I just need to dealwith something else. and there is so much else going on right now that needs attention.

I have more to say, but no time. Busy week.I have a big reading/performance tonight, and one of my best friends is in town from Seattle and agreed to play guitar over my poetry. We’ve been practicing, it sound amazing. Come join us, if you’re in New York City.