What I’m trying to say is this: I’m not getting the sex that I want. No, scratch that: I’m not getting the sex that I need. My basic human needs, basic woman needs, basic self needs, include sex. If asked, I would say at least three times a week, though I can be a little flexible about that. I understand, having had some experience as a couple, that that can’t always happen. But I also know that it can, and does, when both people make the effort.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years. We met in college, in a Men & Masculinity class. It took another couple of quarters for us to get together; we had a slow start, easing into each other and into a relationship, which was wonderful. One of the great things about our relationship is how well we have been able to keep our autonomy – we never became one of those couples that you never see without the other person, we aren’t joined at the hip, we don’t constantly speak in first-person-plural. Of course, the greatest strength is often the greatest weakness, and in our case, the intimacy has fallen out of our relationship almost entirely.

We haven’t had sex in … longer than I care to admit. And in the last two years we have probably had sex five times. I stopped counting the days between.

It really eats me up. For one, she is fucking hot and beautiful and sexy. And two, we have had some really amazing kickass beautiful deep boundary-pushing sex. The best of my life, easy. She was so experimental when we got together. She made me feel like a top, like the butch top that I’d been aspiring to but hadn’t quite ever found a partner to match me. She wanted to explore s/m and bondage and more kink that my previous lovers hadn’t expressed interest in until we had broken up. I was so, so into the physical part of our relationship, for a solid year.

But its dwindling. More and more. I barely even ask anymore, I barely even bring it up. It makes her so uncomfortable, she seems to feel so inadequate. And I’m getting really needy. The talks don’t go well.

I don’t want to go too in depth into my relationship with her. Because that’s not what I want this blog to be about. I only want to introduce her so as to explain away my internet infidelity.

I’ve had dozens of lovers online. My first long-term-relationship I met in a telnet chatroom in 1994, we were together five years. I’ve courted, fucked, and wooed women online when I was dating men and not really out as a lesbian. I’ve met for dates, one night stands, and courtships through the internet.

And so I’m turning to the internet yet again, in this anonymous blog, to detail my overspilling desire and try to curtail some of the want that is really painful for me, since my needs aren’t being met. And, ultimately, to decide how much more of my own pleasure and desire and needs I’m going to sacrifice in order to stay in this relationship.