What’s your advice on positions that work for strap-on sex between people of very different heights? especially taller person receiving
Well, if your torsos are different lengths, especially if the one receiving is much taller, it’s going to be pretty difficult to be in the missionary position—or just about any position where you are strapped on and fucking and also simultaneously kissing (on the mouth) and holding each other close.
If your thigh heights are different, then fucking from behind on hands and knees is going to be difficult too. If both your torso and your thighs are different heights, it’ll be almost impossible to get into a position where your entire bodies are pressed up against each other and fucking at the same time.
There are still many other positions you can fuck easily in, but that one is going to be hard, maybe impossible.
Try these:
1. Strap on wearer (giver) seated, receiver on top, straddling
2. Receiver bent over a bed which is at the giver’s hip height
3. Receiver with their knees tucked under them, but leaning forward, so they can hold themselves up at the right height by their thighs; giver behind them
4. Giver on their knees, with the receiver on the bed (or floor or etc) on their back, receiver’s thighs up over giver’s knees; giver stays upright. (I particularly like this one for rough and deep penetration because I can grab on to their thighs and move them against me.)
You may just have to try any or every position, until you find a few that seem to work most of the time, and go for those. Try glancing through one of those positions for sex books—you probably don’t need to buy it, just glance through it—and see if any of them strike you.
You also might want to think about getting some sex furniture. They’re much more solid than regular bedroom pillows, and the microsuade material means that you don’t slip or slide. Sometimes those are excellent for angles and positioning, it might be worth trying (though they are expensive). Take a look at the Liberator Wedge, Ramp (which is the best for multiple positions), or the Ramp & Wedge combo.
Anyone else have suggestions?
From the Ask Me Anything questions from Sugarbutch’s 4th anniversary:
My question is more on the philosophical/political side of things.
Do you feel that, as I am a male, it is exploitative for me to enjoy queer porn so much?
Porn is filled with many different dynamics, and it is within it’s nature to exploit the ‘exoticism’ of anyone who appears in it. We’ve seen this a thousand times, especially with Asian-American women ( forced to play up an exaggerated stereotype in order to get work ), and I wonder if I myself am guilty of such a thing. Queer porn is this amazing, foreign thing to me. I love it dearly. And I understand that, as far as the exploitation from the production side goes, it is nearly nonexistant, but I worry.
I’m always on the road to improving myself and trying to further myself from the patriarchy, and this question has kind of been tickling my brain as of late.
And, since we’re on the subject: Favorite porn star? Like, if you’re given the chance to have one night of just no holds barred fuck, who are you choosing?—Erudite Hayseed, Confessions of a Southern-Fried Kinkster
I think only you can answer whether you’re being exploitive by enjoying queer porn. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying porn where the people in it are an orientation or sexuality or gender identity that you are not—I have watched my fair share of gay male porn, and I don’t think that makes me exploitive of them or their sexualities at all.
I think the exploitation comes in perhaps about how you interact or react or treat queers outside of consuming our porn. If you look at queer people and see nothing but our sexualities, that might be a bit of a problem. If someone was consuming queer porn in secret and feeling guilty and gay-bashing, uh yeah, that’s a problem. But paired with some understanding of queer culture or history or struggle, and as an ally of this movement, I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about watching the kind of porn they like to watch.
Being the analytical & processing person that I am, I would probably ask myself what it is about this kind of porn that is so appealing. Other folks in the kink community might disagree with me about this—some people say we just like what we like and do not need to come up with an explanation for it, and in fact should not examine it too hard, nor ask others to explain the ‘source’ of where their desires come from. Plenty of desires don’t have a ‘source,’ so perhaps that’s a worthless pursuit, regardless. But when it comes to really loaded play, or the consumption of certain types of porn, like for example, as mentioned above, exclusively watching Asian-American women in porn, I think it’s probably worth asking the question of why. Why is this something that I am consuming? What do I get out of this? What am I projecting? Someone may uncover the racial assumptions or associations they are making, which may be good to untangle.
This could also be true of consuming queer porn, or porn of other orientations. Perhaps a queer person always consumes straight porn because they have some hang-ups about their own sexuality. Perhaps a lesbian always consumes gay male porn because gay male porn tends to depict no-strings-attached fucking, and this lesbian has experienced lesbian sex as too emotional and not hot and lusty enough. These are untrue assumptions, however; they are based in stereotypes, and though they may be
I don’t know if I want to speculate on what a straight cis male consuming queer porn could mean. I do know plenty of “lesbian” porn is geared toward straight men, and often those porns are pretty gross, in my opinion, and I could take a few guesses at what the straight men who consume that type of porn are looking for. But I’m not sure what a straight, kinky, cis guy consuming the recent smart queer porn means … aside from that that is some of the very best porn available, in my opinion. Don’t discount the possibility of the answer being “nothing,” too—it might just be what you enjoy, and that’s fine.
Also, take a look, if you don’t already, at Jack Stratton’s Writing Dirty, since he’s a mostly-straight kinky cis guy who does occupy some space in the queer worlds, and does it quite well, and respectfully, in my opinion. (Besides, his writing is just good, and hot.)
And to answer your second question …
That’s a tough one. Madison Young, Dylan Ryan, Carson, and Joline Parton all come to mind. How could I choose between them? Carson is pretty damn toppy, so probably I’d rather chose someone who is a bottom. Dylan is quickly becoming a friend of mine, and after a certain point, fucking a friend is kind of weird for me. So that leaves two beautiful, curvy redheads, Madison & Joline. Madison would probably be incredibly intimidating, since she’s so experienced and so into pain, so I might go with Joline, she seems a little more shy, and I like that. It seems like she’d be great to throw around, she’s got great curves, great legs, and that cute mouth. Okay, final answer.
From the Ask Me Anything questions from Sugarbutch’s 4th anniversary:
How do you reconcile your feminism with your sadism and desire to (gulp) hurt women? (In a completely consensual manner, of course.)—Cold Comfort
The closest thing I’ve come so far to explaining this was in that essay from December 2009 called Reconciling the Identities of Feminist and Butch Top, but this question, about sadism, is slightly different, and I have the impression I haven’t quite answered it all the way.
“Butch top” is very much related to “sadist” for me, but that’s just because that’s my particular version of butch topping, into which my sadism is built. In fact, it’s only been recently that I’ve been unpacking sadism from topping, being with someone who is much more submissive than she is a masochist. Point being, much of that essay is exactly about reconciling those identities.
Yet still, I don’t feel like that is an adequate explanation on this topic. Besides, the culmination of that essay is basically, “How did I reconcile these identities? I don’t know, I just thought about it a lot and then it was better.” There must be something more articulate to say about that.
I hit on it a little more in the essay Yes, No, and Consent too, about agency, in feminist terms. It has to do with the very simple distinctions between BDSM and abuse, even if they are equated by many anti-porn feminists. And it has to do with the Platinum Rule—not the Golden Rule, the “do to others what you would like to be done to you,” but the “do to others as they would like to be treated,” and the acknowledgement that how you want to be treated and how another wants to be treated may not be the same thing, especially when you add in the complexities of relationship through sex, BDSM, sadism, and masochism.
But, if someone wants me to treat them a certain way and something about it feels funny to me, I trust that, and I take a break and pause and ask questions (hopefully without over-processing or projecting), until I feel like we have resolved whatever was coming up or until I decide there’s too much there to open up without adequate containment or backup.
To go back to the Platinum Rule: for a pop-culture simplistic example, consider the Love Languages! Which, cheesy as they are superficially, I think are a very useful system to think about the ways that myself and my partner may be seeking the same things (like love, comfort, security, passion) but may be in different ways (through words of aspiration, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts). I think we all have some relationship to all five of those ways (and possibly more), but many of us are more focused on some of those ways than others.
All of us are seeking similar things, like love and sex and companionship, but we may be seeking to play with those things in different ways. And figuring out what my own preferences are in playing with those things, and in being in a relationship, figuring out how I best communicate, who I’m attracted to and what qualities I most prefer in someone else, and how to reconcile differences or misunderstandings between us, has been a huge journey, and has been a huge piece of being able to articulate that I want to play with deeper, heavier BDSM, like pain or humiliation, and to trust someone enough to believe that when they say they want to play with that on the receiving end, they mean it, they know themselves well enough to know what they want, they are experienced enough to understand what they’re asking for, they are in touch with themselves enough to tell when they have reached a limit, and they are strong enough to be able to communicate with me around whatever is going wrong (or right).
I’ve worked a hell of a lot on my own issues, particularly on being able to say what I’m thinking, to stand up for myself, and to not get swept up in someone else’s psychology and psyche. I’ve been in therapy for about four years now, and that has helped me greatly with my communication. I’ve also done all sorts of “alternative” methods of healing, such as massage therapy, physical therapy, acupuncture, tinctures, supplements, nutritional counseling, bodywork … I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my own issues, and I am continuing to work hard to improve the ways I communicate and relate.
So, this is how I would reconcile feminism & sadism:
- Acknowledge that people want different things. For example, your desire to hit someone is bad when the person you are hitting doesn’t want to be hit, but when the person you are with wants to be hit, in a playful, controlled, conscious way, that’s called consent and it’s (probably) great. Consider the distinctions between BDSM and abuse, and trust yourself when you know you are on one side or the other. Listen to your lovers when they give you feedback about how your behavior affects them.
- Play with people whose consent you trust, and don’t take responsibility for other people’s consent. And, if they consent, then later uncover that it was actually bad for them, they didn’t like it, or blame something on you, you can certainly apologize and take responsibility for whatever your part of it may have been, but it was not your fault that they consented to an act that you then did. Be willing to process a scene after playing, and listen carefully, but know that trying to retroactively revoke consent is a dangerous move.
- Seek out and understand the background and history and texts on BDSM. Find mentors (if you’re in a city big enough to have a BDSM scene) and take classes, or join online BDSM groups and learn. There is a rich history of writings and teachers who discuss what it’s like to go into these deep, dark realms of physical sensation and psychology, and many of them hold important explanations for how this play works. Studying these arts makes us more aware, which can make us more conscious, and more intentional, and better able to be present in our play.
I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, had a deep connection to feminism. And I believe in it the way I believe in psychology or democracy—that even though there are plenty of people out there fucking it up, there is a kernel, a spark, a rawness at its core that I believe is important, necessary, and is deeply aligned with me and my sense of purpose in this world. I don’t believe that because some people are taking these things and claiming them to mean some things that I disagree with that I need to then step out of the ring and let them take it over. I’m glad that there can be multiple perspectives coming from one singular idea, it strengthens the idea to have multiple angles, I think (even if sometimes I believe they are so very wrong).
I know there are plenty of people who say they are not a feminist, especially those who work in various aspects of sex, and that there are plenty of feminists who would probably say that I am “not a feminist” because of my BDSM play or my masculinity or whatever. But I have enough sovereignty around my feminist identity that I know that their version of feminism is simply different from mine, and that mine is no more wrong than theirs is.
So that’s my last prescription for reconciling feminism and sadism: Ask yourself what your definition of feminism is. If you start digging to discover that you think feminists never, ever hit someone, or humiliate someone, or call someone a bitch, or shove a cock down a girl’s throat, well then, you are going to have some trouble reconciling those two identities. This is where the #3 Research on BDSM will come in handy, because BDSM circles know the difference between play and real life. We know that rape is absolutely not the same thing as playing with consent, as someone yelling out “no no no” during a scene. We know that the things that we play with during scenes, like pain, like giving or receiving pain, are not fun to experience in real life. I would never want someone to spank me or beat me or slap me in the face for real! I would never want someone to do that to my girlfriend! But under the umbrella of play, it takes on other qualities. It might look the same, a slap across the face vs a slap across the face, but the motivation, intention, control, and outcome are completely different.
Growing involves seeing more than the black or white definitions that labels, identities, and systems of thought often prescribe. Lots of feminists have written about how oppressive the sexual culture surrounding the subordination of women is; and that’s important to learn. However, equating ALL acts of some kind of sex, happening between consenting adults, that you or “feminists” deem inappropriate with oppression or non-consent is denying a key part of sex play: agency. Hurting someone, especially sexually, is something (some) feminists shun, but when you add consent into that mix, you’ve entered into something that is not black or white. And perhaps not even gray, since consent puts any act in a whole new category.
Did that adequately answer your brief but loaded question? Are there other follow-up questions from what I’ve posted here?
Even though I started Anal Week way back in April, I’ve finally gone through all the posts and toys and reviews and things that I intended for it, so here’s the wrap-up.
Reviews:
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, the guidebook by Tristan Taormino
The Tristan Butt Plug
The Silk anal dildo
Quick Anal Interviews:
Charlie Glickman
Dylan Ryan
Bailey
Tawny
Madison Young
Sophia St. James
Erudite Hayseed
Your turn: answer the questions yourself
Queer Porn:
Dylan & Madison on Everything Butt
Best Anal Scenes in Queer Porn with JD Bauchery
Best Anal Scenes in Queer Porn with Essin’ Em
Best Anal Scenes in Queer Porn
Thanks so much to everyone who let me interview them about queer porn and anal tips! I had a good time doing a slightly more in-depth exploration of this, and I hope it was helpful to you too.
This is the last of the Quick Anal Interviews! Anal Week is coming to a close … just one more thing to go, and it’ll be all done. Thanks so much for reading. This quick anal interview is with Erudite Hayseed, author of Confessions of a Southern-Fried Kinkster.
1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?
Tongue work, all day tongue work. Look, the prospect actual anal penetration, be it finger or otherwise, is pretty intimidating. Of course you have to ease into it that’s basic info and all. But the tongue, the actual art of analingus, is like a soft slippery key to a whole new facet of lovemaking. I’ve yet to find a partner that doesnt like it. Sure, one’s who thought it was strange of me to do it ( at first anyway ), but everyone tends to like it. That can lead to more play later. When people say “go slow,” folks have a tendency to think that means the actual act of preparation leading up to the actual fuck. There needs to be more “go slow” in relation to easing your partner into the idea of play.
While I consider anal sex to be a “No surprises” zone for most things ( and any guy who says that he just popped his dick in and went to town is either fulla shit or nursing some bruises around the head and face ), the odd surprise tounge swipe is a great way to get into the swing of things. Heck, sometimes it feels even better than the actual penatrative act, if my Lady is to be believed. But it does relax things, and it definetly shatters some hangups your partner might have.
2. What lube do you recommend?
Boy Butter. It was developed by Eyal Feldman, this brilliant gay businessman who owns and operates his website and who personally worked to create what he figured would be the best anal lubricant on the market. It’s silicone and coconut oil based, washes off with water, and just seems to last so much longer than any other lube I’ve tried ( and I’ve tried extensively ). They even make a desensitizing blend ( good for those who are just starting out or those who are working with a larger size ), water based if you’ve got any sort of silicone allergy. The price is fair, especially for such a groundbreaking idea, and the packaging is just adorable. Seriously, give it a try.
[ Quick note from Sinclair: silicone based lube does NOT go with silicone toys, so DO NOT use it if you're using butt plugs or strap-on cocks that are silicone. Also, many sex educators are really against desensitizing anal creams, they can be dangerous. ]
3. What position do you find excellent?
Depends on what I’m doing. For rimming, I likefor Lady to basically lay down with her knees under her stomach, kind of sitting on her feet–it gives the best access to everything, the entire themepark of waist-southernly delights. Thats good especially for kinkier fare, and the application of bondage tape and an eager tongue tends to add up to a very, very fun time.
For the actual act of lovemaking, I tend to use a position that is popularly referred to as the “Prone Bone” wherin your partner lays flat on his/her stomach with legs closed. I will warn that this position should only really be used if you know what exactly your partners limits are. My girlfriend likes it rougher than most, with almost no way to get out of her predicament, so that position is just the best. Doggystyle is okay, but I feel like I sacrifice a bit of my actual thrusting power with it, and if we’re doing it, daggone it we’re doing it.
Any bonus perspective, tip, story, or thing that you’d really like to share?
Toys can be an intimidating thing, but if you’re comfortable enough with rocking the whole vibe/dildo set, I have to suggest a butt plug. For one, they come in just about any size, and for two, they are the ultimate in preperation. A good, small buttplug for the first time user is excellent. For one, it’s something you can slide in and not worry about holding, which is a big hurdle for a lot of people, myself included: I dont mind taking the time and all, but just sitting there with a couple of fingers up your partner while she adjusts can get a tad boring. If your partner is especially tight, like mine, it turns into this whole waiting game atmosphere. I’m a decent hand at dirty talk, but I can only keep it up for so long.
Another great benefit is that the butt plug is a good bridge between vaginal and anal sex. Trust me, it makes everything on the pussy end of things much, much more fun. The space that is normally afforded to your invading fingers or cock is filled up, creating a tighter feel and angling whatever you’re doing upwards, which can really up the chances of ( or the intensity of ) a pure penetrative orgasm. If you’re already past the first couple of stages of involving anal play ( discussion and light teasing/fingering ), this is honestly the next step to go.
Thanks so much!
According to me, anyway. Essin’ Em and JD Bauchery also gave their opinions for Anal Week (which has extended longer than a week, but is still tagged, so it works. You don’t mind, do you?), but at this point, I’ve done enough queer porn watching and research to have gone through the scenes I wanted to and picked a list.
Warning: these photos are NSFW. I don’t post a lot of explicitly nude photos here, I know, I try to keep it at least kind of safe for work, but I just can’t resist putting some really great screenshots in this post, so you know what you’re missing, if you haven’t seen ‘em.
All screenshots were snagged by me through Hot Movies for Her, and reprinted only to promote the films.
1. Dylan, Jiz Lee, & Jo in The Crash Pad (Scene 1)
Directed by Shine Louise Houston for Pink & White
I have a special place in my queer-porn-lovin’ heart for the original Crash Pad. It’s the project that launched The Crash Pad Series online, and has raised the bar for queer porn production everywhere. Shine Louise Houston set up a wonderful premise—that there is this mysterious apartment called the Crash Pad, which you can acquire the key for, and go there to fuck—that has led to scenes that are real, not campy, not bogged down in falsified plot, but still capable of some twists and turns.
Like this one: Dylan & Jo are having a good time fucking in The Crash Pad until Jiz and Jiz’s date show up too. Jiz joins in, while her date watches, and the resulting threesome is hot. The Crash Pad also sets up the porn careers for Jiz, Syd, and Dylan, and thank goodness it did. Isn’t the world a better place because we get to watch these beautiful, skilled queers fucking? Absolutely.
2. Syd Blakovich & Jiz Lee in The Crash Pad (Scene 3)
Directed by Shine Louise Houston for Pink & White
Syd Blakovich (credited as Shawn) and Jiz Lee are popping off the screen with chemistry in this one. I’ve heard some of the backstory (some of it they explain in the bonus features of Superfreak), that they hadn’t had sex in a few weeks and weren’t sure if they were going to continue fucking, so this might be their last hurrah. Thankfully for us, it wasn’t, and they’ve gone on to making a ton of queer porn, with each other and on their own.
In this scene, they both look very boyish (boiish?), lean, and super-short hair, and the intensity is riveting. Syd’s rimming is pretty amazing to watch, as is Jiz’s squirting all over Syd, later.
3. Rozen Debowe, Syd Blakovich, Jiz Lee, & Donny in No Fauxxx Roulette (Scene 5)
Directed by Courtney Trouble for Reel Queer Productions
Yeah, it’s Syd & Jiz again—I want diversity in this list, but they are just in so much good porn! So: here we’ve got director Courtney Trouble (who runs No Fauxxx) in a great video collection of scenes. This one is my favorite by far (I don’t even remember the others in this film), I’ve watched it quite a few times. Rozen Debowe—who I think is so incredibly hot and who, I’ve heard, has retired from porn, and who I think should make more—approaches a bartender, spreads her beautiful long legs, and proceeds to get fucked by three butches. Or, three masculine-ish-queers, if they don’t identify as butch.
In this screenshot, Rozen is on top of the bartender, Donny, Syd has a Pure Wand in her ass, and Rozen sucks Jiz’s cock. And, it gets better. Plus, they’re on a pool table.
4. Lorelei Lee, Princess Donna & Dana DeArmond in Superfreak (Scene 5)
Directed by Shine Louise Houston for Pink & White
Lorelei Lee and Princess Donna have done quite a bit of hot queer porn also, appearing in The Crash Pad Series and on various other sites. In this one, they’re joined by Dana DeArmond, and Lorelei is topped with some really hot anal, mostly with fingers and rimming. They’re sexy and clearly very skilled (though I have to kind of ignore all the whimpering of Lorelei and humming that the two top girls do. Maybe you like that kind of thing, I find it distracting). In some of the interview scenes, Donna and Lorelei say, “I wish we could’ve gone all the way,” in discussion of anal fisting. It’s illegal to show fisting on video, did you know? Not on the web, though, so you can find some great stuff in The Crash Pad Series.
5. Dylan Ryan & Trucker Cash in Roulette Dirty South (Scene 2)
Directed by Courtney Trouble for Reel Queer Productions
I couldn’t leave out my favorite porn couple! Dylan Ryan and her real-life partner Trucker Cash are so damn hot in this scene. I love the bright colors, the clothes they’re both wearing, that slightly rickety table that they fuck on, the way Trucker warms up her ass before taking out his cock and fucking her until she comes hard, shaking and swearing.
When Trucker unzipped and I saw he was packing the Goodfella, I thought, wtf? That cock is so small! But then, turns out it is a very good size for anal. Note to self.
6. Nicole Chatte & Peter Danger in Heartland: A Woman’s POV (Scene 1)
Directed by Madison Young for Reel Queer Productions
This last one comes from director and porn star Madison Young. She introduces the scene and explains that she found this couple because they’d contacted her online, and they agreed to be filmed.
I had a crush on Nicole the second she came onscreen. It’s filmed by Peter, I think—or, if not by Peter himself, than from Peter’s point of view of seeing Nicole, so we don’t get too many shots of him (too bad, cause he seems really hot and skilled, I’d like to watch him more), but I did like watching Nicole. It starts off with a beautiful blow job by Nicole, and leads into her getting fucked hard while she’s backwards in this beautiful worn-in leather chair. It’s a bit more amateur-ish than the others, but I especially love the way Nicole guides her lover, saying, “will you start out with the small one, then use the bigger one?” and then, later, “faster, go faster,” which Peter happily obliges. The scene is really sexy and goes on for a while, with various different positions. Nicole even asks Peter to fist her, at some point, but since that can’t be shown on the video, we don’t really get to see it.
Whew! Okay, that covers it, my current favorite anal scenes in queer porn.
While porn isn’t the best place to learn how to do a certain act, it can certainly be inspiring to watch and recognize how much pleasure everyone is having from the things they’re doing. It’s definitely been inspiring to me to try more.
Did I leave out YOUR very favorite scene? Which one looks like the one you’re going to rush out and watch right this minute (or, as soon as you can)? Got any must-see recommendations for me from Essin’ Em or JD Bauchery‘s lists that I haven’t included?
Jacks on 
Lenore on 
Shereen on 
Quick Anal Interview: YOU!
Okay folks, Anal Week is coming to a close, you’ve had a chance to read Quick Anal Interviews with Dylan Ryan, Bailey, Tawny, Madison Young, Sophia St James, and Erudite Hayseed. Perhaps you read through some of those thinking, jeez, they left out this really important thing!
Well, here’s your chance: I’d like to hear YOUR answers to the quick anal interview questions! Here are the questions, add your answers to the comments.
Anal Week has been a really fun project, I’ve learned a lot in collecting all this data, Kristen and I have had some great conversations, and I’ve had some great comments and emails from folks saying they have had similar reservations, but that these tips and perspectives are encouraging.
Please do chime in, if you’d like to add something.