Protected: With Expansion Comes Contraction

Posted on December 26, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: character study, I love this "online writing project", maybe a little woo but you can handle it, open, rachel kramer bussel, rituals, some personal shit that isn't about gender, tantra, tantra has reminded me that I am in love with the planet, tattoos, thank you btw have I said thank you lately?, the dark, winter solstice, wishes for 2012

Protected: Body Hair, Pronouns, and Other Personal Gender Things I’m Figuring Out

Posted on December 14, 2011 in omphaloskepsis, on butches | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis, on butches | Tags: bearded ladies, body hair, character study, chin hair, fuck. help, gender, hair, hirsurtism, masculine of center, occupy the in between, part of what is changing, personal musings, pronouns, shaving, the ex-boyfriend mike, there's another boxes workshop coming up in may in nyc. I am so excited, yes by 'body hair' I mean my underarms and between my legs

Protected: Um So Hi.

Posted on November 17, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: body electric, but now that I'm back I miss san francisco, everything is different now, I missed nyc, identities, life changing events, personal musings, san francisco, Seattle, tantra, trans, what happens when I travel

Dear West Coast, See You Soon

Posted on November 2, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | 3 Comments

In prep for my trip, I had to of course go get cleaned up. Doesn’t Joey at Tomcats do an amazing job? I have never had a bad haircut there. I only wish I could recreate the height after I wash it … though I suspect in part it is because of the handfulls of product he adds to my hair.

I’ve been trying to grow it out a bit, let it get a little longer on top so I can go back to the pomp I’ve had in the past. Winter seems like a good time to do that. The length has been driving me nuts the past few weeks, but I put it off long enough so that it’ll be fresh and clean for my trip out West.

What trip out west, you ask? Well, the one where I’ll be starting a tantra training, the first of five weekends in Seattle over the next year, and then I head to San Francisco for the Outside the Boxes queer Body Electric workshop that has been in the works for the last six or so months. It is definitely happening and probably going to be full, in fact! We might even have a waiting list! And—good news—we are planning to do it twice in 2012, once in New York City and once in Toronto. I’ll let you know the exact dates as soon as I have them.

I’m doing a couple more things out west while I’m visiting—no wait, scratch that, it’ll just be one other event, a Talking Dirty workshop at Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture, known in my day as the Wet Spot. I was going to have a workshop in Oakland but that looks like it’s fallen through, though I’m hoping to do it in the spring.

So I’ve turned on my vacation auto-responder, and my flight to Seattle leaves tomorrow afternoon. I may have some time to write while I’m gone, but things may be a bit quiet over here while I’m traveling. You can always follow me on Twitter or on Facebook if you want to know what I’m up to on a slightly more daily basis.

3 Comments | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: a (good) haircut makes everything better, don't fuck with butch hair, eye candy, haircut, photos of me, speaking of product ... no nevermind I'll cut that part out, thus begins the school year of travel, tomcats barbershop, traveling, workshops workshops workshops

Protected: Getting My Feet Under Me

Posted on October 17, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: get the password at http://bit.ly/4swLsN, good friends are so important, how I make my life, how I make my living, I don't really mean that about ebooks it was supposed to be an extreme example, I don't want to go back to the corporate world, I love my job, metaphors, or you can always donate me some cash via paypal, password, still booking college gigs! that would help, the artist/activist/performer's life

Protected: My Business With God

Posted on October 11, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

So Then There Was That Time I Left My Dick In the Laundry …

Posted on September 22, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | 16 Comments

Folks who live outside of New York City, you might not quite understand this one, but here in this ridiculous metropolis, people rarely do their own laundry. That’s not actually true for me and Kristen, since we actually do have laundry facilities in our building (three of which have been broken for months, but that’s a different post), but at other apartments I’ve had, especially when I was working a full time job, it was about the same amount of money to do my own laundry at the laundromat three blocks away as it was to drop it off and pick it up, and the latter did not include three hours of my time or putting up with laundromat culture. So I dropped it off to have done.

That’s rare now. Probably less than half a dozen times in the four years I’ve lived at this apartment. But after the weekend at camp, and our week being completely packed, Kristen and I decided to drop our laundry off nearby and just get it done with.

When we went to pick it up yesterday, this happened:

Launderer: There was something plastic in there, I didn’t want to put it in the dryer.

Me: (Noticing my Pete packing undies tucked next to the plastic bag in the laundry basket) Uh, no problem.

Launderer: I just didn’t want to … Hurt it.

Me: (Kinda speechless, realizing it was more than just the undies) I’m sure it’s okay.

Kristen said, in the car on the way home, that I have frequently left cocks in my laundry basket, and she kind of likes that. Finding them in there. Clearly I’ve gotten too comfortable doing my own laundry, and need to go through it just a bit more carefully if I send it out.

It’s not that big a deal, and really I’m sure the person at the laundromat has had worse things show up in people’s laundry baskets, things I don’t even want to know about. And in some ways I bet this is almost explanable for her, that two lesbians come in and the “mannish” one leaves a soft packing dick in her clothes, because of course I want to “be the man.” I cringe at reinforcing that stereotype, and want to explain the more complexities of gender, but it’s almost, kind of, true.

Ah, the adventures of being butch in New York City never end.

16 Comments | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: cocks, embarrassing moments, it could have been worse, laundry, new york city living, note to self: separate your dicks, packing, spareparts, the Pete packing undies are really awesome

On Cheryl’s Birthday, Femme Earrings, and Social Media

Posted on September 19, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | 2 Comments

I’ve returned from Dark Odyssey’s Summer Camp, which was phenomenal and I have so much to say about it, like all the retreat/weekends I’ve been on lately—and since there’s so much to say it’s so much harder to say it, because I get overwhelmed, so I don’t write anything at all. The weather at Summer Camp—cloudy, sometimes rainy, not very warm—was excellent for my butch outfits (v-neck sweater or sweater vest over button down and a tie, suit jacket, leather jacket, jeans, boots) but not so excellent for Kristen’s outfits, who wanted to bring sundresses and the tiny little bow shirt but instead brought jeans and boots and sweater dresses, no less sexy but less exhibitionist fun perhaps. I mention that mostly because someone asked. But thankfully the sun was out when we had a quick portrait session with Stacie Joy, so there might be some shots of Kristen’s (gorgeous) tits in the future, we’ll see how they turn out.

My processing of the fourth amazing erotic retreat/weekend in three months is derailed a little bit by today’s date: it’s Cheryl’s birthday. Nicole Fix, who spoke at Cheryl’s memorial, wrote a lovely piece for GO magazine about it.

This weekend, at a lovely moment in bed, I don’t remember which one, Kristen was wearing these hoop earrings in square shapes, and I suddenly had a strong remembrance of exactly their source. I didn’t want to interrupt the moment, but I felt a strong surge of emotion, grief and sadness and the tragedy of it all.

Later, when we were just chatting, I said, “I love those earrings. Do you remember where they came from?”

She had shadows in her eyes right away. “Cheryl.”

“Yes,” I had taken them from Cheryl’s jewelry collection, when I was helping Kelli clean out Cheryl’s apartment, to give to Kristen. Cheryl was known for her hoops, one of her signature looks, along with her red lipstick, and I snagged a lot of the ones that Cheryl wore regularly. “But also, I gave them to her. On her birthday last year, you and I bought them together, but I picked them out. We brought them to Sideshow along with some little cupcakes.” I’m kind of good at picking out jewelry. I love that skill, love being able to provide just the right thing for the femmes in my life. I’m glad Kristen has some of her jewelry, but sometimes it’s shocking and catches me off guard.

We held each other in silence for a few minutes, remembering. That was such a great night. Sideshow was just starting to take off. We had a fabulous line up, Back to School. I miss Sideshow. Cheryl hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer yet. No one knew that would be her last birthday.

“Wasn’t that about a year ago?” Kristen asked. We couldn’t remember Cheryl’s exact birth date, but it was in the fall, right? Was it September or October Sideshow?

When I got back to my computer this morning, the first thing in my Facebook feed was all sorts of folks posting on Cheryl’s wall, “happy birthday!” as if they don’t know. As if they were wishing her to have a happy, celebratory day. I know that’s what Facebook does—”so and so has a birthday today, wish them a happy birthday”—and that’s how folks respond, by doing what a social network program automatically tells them what to do, so the response becomes “happy birthday,” regardless of the relationship or the knowledge we may have missed in the last few months.

I cringed, and teared up, but more than that feel protective of Kelli, and of Cheryl becoming some sort of public persona/domain figure which people don’t really know, but on to which they project. Apparently that is an ongoing problem for close friends who have died, especially in the queer/performance worlds. This is new for me.

Thinking a lot of Cheryl lately, and especially today. I miss her so much.

My favorite shot of us by Syd London

2 Comments | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: birthday, cheryl, dark odyssey, everyone at dark odyssey thought the ruler tattoo was for fisting (which it is but also for measuring things), facebook, grief and other big emotions, projection, social media politics

Protected: “With My Brothers Standing By”

Posted on September 1, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: alexi murdoch is a genius, character study, healing, more than heartbreak it was selfbreak, my salvation lies in your love, relationships, safety, stupid guilt and shame, surviving, things that are holding me back, trauma, video, what I'm learning

Expansion & Contraction

Posted on August 31, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | 2 Comments

I wrote 9 posts in August 2011, and today’s the last day of August, so unless I get a dozen up in one day (which I’m not about to do), this will be the least amount I’ve written on Sugarbutch since Spring 2007, according to the archives. (And the main reason those months have so few entries is because most of them were taken down.)

I have been writing. And I’ve been so busy. I’ve been traveling, and in the short weeks that I’ve been at home I have barely felt as though I’ve fully returned. I’ve been writing with Dacia frequently and watching as her book develops, feeling jealous and envious and elated and supportive and so thrilled to read it as it’s being birthed out of her, and wishing that I was working on a book of my own.

I do have these erotica anthologies coming out, but that’s not quite the same as a single-author full-length manuscript. Which I just ache to write, but can’t quite seem to get a grip on. Yet.

All the traveling has been exploding my brain with insight. The Pulse retreat was amazing. The Butch Voices conference was enlightening and enlivening and made me love my butch and moc bros even more. The Gender Outlaw retreat I just returned from felt like a gift on a silver platter … and I don’t even know how to start writing about it.

I crave blogging. I crave sitting down and telling you about my day, or my emotional insight, or the mind-blowing sex, or what I’ve been writing today. All of which have been happening. It’s a challenge to be that open and honest here, for lots of reasons. What used to feel like a sanctuary now feels like a podium and microphone in front of hundreds of people, so I psych myself out.

What do I even want to tell you? How do I begin to explain the last six weeks? What do you want to know? I’ll try to write a bit more. Perhaps a daily writing practice that goes here into this little wordpress box instead of into my journal for a while.

There are a lot more retreats and workshops coming up. I’m pitching to colleges now, trying to revisit some of the places I’ve been before, and lots more writing planned in the near future. I’m doing some new trainings, I’m looking toward the future. I keep noticing all these new opportunities to get credentials, like the SARs at the CSPH and I seem to remember there being a training starting in the fall at the Center for Sex & Culture in SF that caught my eye, but I can’t find any information about that now. (That’s the trouble with reading half of the internet every day.) So suddenly there are quite a few opportunities I’m curious to follow, but I’m having trouble coming up with enough cash. My unemployment runs out soon, actually.

I’m looking for work, possibly part-time, definitely things I can do from home. I’ve done some copy consulting lately and that has gone well; I’m still available to build websites and graphics in general. I am putting together some packages and things to offer more formally, but I would love to have a steady 20 hour a week type of gig so I can still travel. The freelance thing I’ve done for the past almost-two years has been working, kind of, I’ve been scraping by, but it’s time to have a bit more security. I’ll gladly take suggestions.

I miss writing here, but I do love being out in the world. It’s been a good couple months for events and growth and change. And hey, I’ll even have some photos to share (as soon as I get the proofs).

2 Comments | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: contraction, I don't even know what I'm writing, personal crap, there's been so much in the last six weeks I can barely start to process it, whatever

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