Ask Me Anything: How to Give Blow Jobs Without Feeling Stupid

Posted on August 4, 2011 in Kristen, guest posts, sex | 3 Comments

Newbie asked:

My partner and I are new to strap-on sex. We both love the idea of blowjobs, but I have no idea how to go about it without feeling supremely stupid. Help please! Could Kristen maybe give her perspective on learning to do it well?

Here’s Kristen’s answer:

How to suck butch cock: some advice.

Here’s the thing about sucking silicone cock: you have to pretend it’s real and remember that it’s not, both at the same time.

1. Pretending it’s real. This is most important: you have someone’s cock in your mouth, and you need to take care of it. Treat it like the beautiful and powerful instrument that it is, regardless of whether it came from a factory. Start slow. Put your lips on the tip. Lick around the head. Lick all the way down one side. Put it in your mouth for a minute, then take it out and lick it again. Eventually, once your mouth produces more saliva, you can suck it in deeper. Look up at your partner so they can see that you like it, so they can see the pleasure you’re giving them, even if they can’t exactly feel it. Act like you know what you’re doing, whether you actually do (hello, grateful college boys you might have practiced on) or you’re making it up as you go along. Vary your speed: don’t just repeat the same movement over and over, unless your partner gets into it and wants that. (Face-fucking is great, once you’ve gotten the hang of a basic blowjob.) Watch porn: even the free crappy stuff on Youporn is helpful here, because you can see facial expressions and technique and just mimic that.

2. Remembering it’s not. You’re not going to get physical indicators that tell you you’re doing a good job. You won’t be able to feel it getting harder (or limper) in your mouth, you’re not going to be able to feel when your partner is close to coming, you’re not going to know if you’re using your teeth too much. You have to do that work yourself: listen to your partner’s breathing, pay attention to their muscle contractions/their hands on your head/gasps of pleasure. You have to do the work of making it the most amazing blowjob they’ve ever gotten, even if they can’t feel every movement of your tongue. But that’s the fun part: you can do pretty much whatever you want to make that happen.

–

What do you think? Got any other advice for how to give blow jobs that don’t make you feel supremely stupid?

3 Comments | Category: Kristen, guest posts, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

What does ‘Genderqueer’ mean?

Posted on March 15, 2011 in guest posts, on butches | No Comments

On Gina Mamone’s mini-interview, a commenter named MS wrote: “Can you post a definition of or primer on what gender queer means?” Kyle Jones was kind enough to comment in reply and explain a bit, and I proceeded to ask him to write up his own primer on genderqueer. Here it is.

This is a guest post from Kyle Jones, Butchtastic.net

Genderqueer people, by definition, are united by their rejection of the notion that there are only two genders.

Beyond their rejection of the gender binary as the sole way to describe gender, there is much diversity within the group of people who call themselves ‘genderqueer’—it’s a catch-all term that includes sometimes contradictory identifications.  For example, some genderqueers identify as neither male nor female, some as both male and female.  Some see ‘genderqueer’ as a gender in and of itself, some may identify this way because they feel they are beyond gender—genderless or a-gender.

I led a discussion on genderqueer identity at Butch Voices Portland 2010 and almost everyone who attended came to this identity from a different place.  There were those who described a fluidity of gender, a sense that they were a mixture of male and female.  Some people wanted to move beyond the terms ‘male’ and ‘female’ entirely.  They didn’t see genderqueer as being a region along the gender binary axis, instead many described it as independent of that spectrum.   Based on the diversity of personal definitions expressed in that session, we started to talk about a gender cloud rather than a gender spectrum.  Because ‘genderqueer’ is an umbrella term, to really know how an individual relates to it, you’ll need to know their personal definition of genderqueer.

The term “genderqueer” can also be used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity.  And some genderqueer individuals also identify as transgender, because their gender identity does not completely correspond to their physical sex.  Genderqueers may have any sexuality/sexual identity, any physical sex.  There is also diversity in the way genderqueers relate to pronouns.  Some prefer gender neutral pronouns such as ‘they’ or ‘them’ or the alternate forms “ze,” “per,” “sie” and “hir,” “zhe,” “hir.”  And some prefer to stay with traditional male and female pronouns, though they may use them in less traditional ways.  Other terms similar to genderqueer are genderfluid, gender-variant, bi-gender, third gender, two-spirit and gender non-conforming.

If you find all of this a bit confusing, you’re not alone.  When I come out to people as genderqueer, I’m more surprised to find people who are familiar with the term than those who aren’t.  And when I’m asked to define genderqueer, as I was for this article, I find it challenging, especially with people who aren’t comfortable or experienced in considering gender beyond male and female.  In my experience, most of the world is still not ready to go beyond the gender binary.  It takes a lot of work and effort to learn the new vocabulary and open your mind to alternative ways of seeing gender.  One challenge I still have is trying to get my head around the idea of being ‘genderless’.  I know that much of the way my brain has organized information about the world is still ruled by the existence of distinct genders.

As I mentioned, I identify as genderqueer.  Butch describes my appearance, genderqueer describes my gender and queer describes my sexuality.  My personal genderqueer definition is that I am not male or female, I am male and female.  I have two distinct gender identities, each with a name, a set of pronouns and sexual preferences.  Sometimes the distinction is obvious and sometimes more fluid and combined. One visualization I use is that of a tree with two trunks, each coming from the same root structure and base.  My male and female identities have some shared history as well as some that is separate.  As I visualize my ‘tree trunks’, they start together, then grow apart, come close again, intertwine and grow together, then diverge again as you look up the tree.  My male side has a distinct personality, accent, sexual drive and issues.  It has also been suppressed more, being less accepted by the outside world and, as a result, is the less developed and mature of my two identities.  My female side, having had more time at the forefront, takes the lead in most situations, although my goal is to become more balanced.

You may be thinking, this person has multiple personality disorder.  Though I’m not a professional, I know that’s not the case.  I have multiple genders, which means I also identify as transgender, because the male side of me does not match my female body.  I’ve had some awesome and unexpected experiences lately where strangers have seen my male side.  It’s hard to describe the feeling of being recognized and acknowledged as male—something like a rush of adrenaline combined with a strong sexual charge—a big ol’ ego boner.

This is a frustration I share with other genderqueer and transgender people—the feeling of being partially invisible, of spending most of my days being partially unseen.  I think we all share a common need to be seen and celebrated for who we truly are, and not just the easily understood fragments, but all our wonderful complexity.

This article is meant to be a starting point for people new to the term ‘genderqueer’, but it’s by no means the last word.  If you’d like to learn more about variant gender identities, here are some excellent starting places:

Kyle Jones runs Butchtastic.net and was interviewed on Butch Lab earlier this year.

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Quick Anal Interview: Erudite Hayseed

Posted on May 11, 2010 in guest posts, sex | No Comments

This is the last of the Quick Anal Interviews! Anal Week is coming to a close … just one more thing to go, and it’ll be all done. Thanks so much for reading. This quick anal interview is with Erudite Hayseed, author of Confessions of a Southern-Fried Kinkster.

1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?

Tongue work, all day tongue work. Look, the prospect actual anal penetration, be it finger or otherwise, is pretty intimidating. Of course you have to ease into it that’s basic info and all. But the tongue, the actual art of analingus, is like a soft slippery key to a whole new facet of lovemaking. I’ve yet to find a partner that doesnt like it. Sure, one’s who thought it was strange of me to do it ( at first anyway ), but everyone tends to like it. That can lead to more play later. When people say “go slow,” folks have a tendency to think that means the actual act of preparation leading up to the actual fuck. There needs to be more “go slow” in relation to easing your partner into the idea of play.

While I consider anal sex to be a “No surprises” zone for most things ( and any guy who says that he just popped his dick in and went to town is either fulla shit or nursing some bruises around the head and face ), the odd surprise tounge swipe is a great way to get into the swing of things. Heck, sometimes it feels even better than the actual penatrative act, if my Lady is to be believed. But it does relax things, and it definetly shatters some hangups your partner might have.

2. What lube do you recommend?

Boy Butter. It was developed by Eyal Feldman, this brilliant gay businessman who owns and operates his website and who personally worked to create what he figured would be the best anal lubricant on the market. It’s silicone and coconut oil based, washes off with water, and just seems to last so much longer than any other lube I’ve tried ( and I’ve tried extensively ). They even make a desensitizing blend ( good for those who are just starting out or those who are working with a larger size ), water based if you’ve got any sort of silicone allergy. The price is fair, especially for such a groundbreaking idea, and the packaging is just adorable. Seriously, give it a try.

[ Quick note from Sinclair: silicone based lube does NOT go with silicone toys, so DO NOT use it if you're using butt plugs or strap-on cocks that are silicone. Also, many sex educators are really against desensitizing anal creams, they can be dangerous. ]

3. What position do you find excellent?

Depends on what I’m doing. For rimming, I likefor Lady to basically lay down with her knees under her stomach, kind of sitting on her feet–it gives the best access to everything, the entire themepark of waist-southernly delights. Thats good especially for kinkier fare, and the application of bondage tape and an eager tongue tends to add up to a very, very fun time.

For the actual act of lovemaking, I tend to use a position that is popularly referred to as the “Prone Bone” wherin your partner lays flat on his/her stomach with legs closed. I will warn that this position should only really be used if you know what exactly your partners limits are. My girlfriend likes it rougher than most, with almost no way to get out of her predicament, so that position is just the best. Doggystyle is okay, but I feel like I sacrifice a bit of my actual thrusting power with it, and if we’re doing it, daggone it we’re doing it.

Any bonus perspective, tip, story, or thing that you’d really like to share?

Toys can be an intimidating thing, but if you’re comfortable enough with rocking the whole vibe/dildo set, I have to suggest a butt plug. For one, they come in just about any size, and for two, they are the ultimate in preperation. A good, small buttplug for the first time user is excellent. For one, it’s something you can slide in and not worry about holding, which is a big hurdle for a lot of people, myself included: I dont mind taking the time and all, but just sitting there with a couple of fingers up your partner while she adjusts can get a tad boring. If your partner is especially tight, like mine, it turns into this whole waiting game atmosphere. I’m a decent hand at dirty talk, but I can only keep it up for so long.

Another great benefit is that the butt plug is a good bridge between vaginal and anal sex. Trust me, it makes everything on the pussy end of things much, much more fun. The space that is normally afforded to your invading fingers or cock is filled up, creating a tighter feel and angling whatever you’re doing upwards, which can really up the chances of ( or the intensity of ) a pure penetrative orgasm. If you’re already past the first couple of stages of involving anal play ( discussion and light teasing/fingering ), this is honestly the next step to go.

Thanks so much!

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Anal Scenes in Queer Porn with Essin’ Em

Posted on April 27, 2010 in guest posts, sex | 5 Comments

Who comes to mind when I say “queer porn expert”? For me, it’s Essin’ Em, aka Shanna Katz, queer femme and porn lover extraordinaire. Since I’ve known her, she’s worked at Hot Movies For Her, Eden Fantasys, and now Fascinations, and she’s traveled the country doing workshops—even recently one on feminist porn. She was glad to offer some suggestions for anal scenes in queer porn; here they are.

Photo of Essin' Em by Half Moon Studios

There is the Vai/Jiz Lee scene in CPS that I LOVE because it’s Vai’s first time giving anal play (especially strapping it on and fucking someone) to someone, and it’s just fabulously fun to watch her love it and experience it.

Then of course, there is that super hot queer gang bang in Roulette with Rozen DeBowe, who just takes it in all three holes (including using the Njoy Pure Wand) from three hot andro/butch/genderqueer studs, on a pool table, in the middle of the Mission. Hot hot hot (especially because I’ve now met half the cast AND been to there it was shot).

I LOVED the sceen in Couch Surfers: Trans Men in Action where Dex Hardlove DOUBLE anal fists two of his greedy pigs…with lube boy coming it, bandana on the face and all to add lube as needed. It inspired me so much that I re-enacted it, with vaginal fisting with two bottoms and my lube girl (bananda and all) during a fisting class in Denver last year.

I love Dylan Ryan and Madison Young’s “Spa Day Gone Horribly Wrong” type of scene on Everything Butt. Is it technically a queer porn producer? No, but Madison and Dylan made it hot and sexy queer porn regardless, and really queerifyed kink that day.

Of course, how can we forget the hot anal in the original Bend Over Boyfriend with Carol Queen? This often gets left out of queer line-ups, but to me, it’s some of the first, hot queer porn, and in this case, specifically anal. Pegging your lover’s ass really fucks with so many expectations and binaries, and Carol was doing it years before people were even talking about it.

Thanks, Essin’ Em! Whew—I’m almost done compiling my own list, I will have that to share with you all soon. I’ve got a few more things to watch first.

5 Comments | Category: guest posts, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Quick Anal Interview with Lissa

Posted on April 25, 2010 in guest posts, sex | No Comments

1 – Tip – I’d say the most important component of anal sex is trust. Trust your partner, trust yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, for either partner, stop, pause, back off a little bit, try again. Change positions, move around. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake. Don’t be afraid to make a mess! Trust is key.

2 – Lube – I’m not sure I have a favorite. Whatever we happen to have on hand, really. I like Probe for an all purpose lube.

3 – Position – On my side, with one leg up. For me, anal sex is very intimate. Being on my stomach takes away some of that intimacy for me. I love being able to see my partner’s face, reach out to her, talk to her. For more power/control exchange situations, bent over any piece of furniture is glorious, especially if there is a vibrator nearby and my hands are behind my back. Two favorite positions for completely different reasons.

Thanks Lissa! Follow her on Twitter at @swtlissab.

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Quick Anal Interview with Sophia St. James

Posted on April 25, 2010 in guest posts, sex | No Comments

Sophia St. James

1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?

I think a person needs to be mentally ready for anal sex. Many go into it thinking it’s not gonna be the much different than vaginal sex and the feeling IS much different. And though anal sex can be quite enjoyable, the feeling can be uncomfortable for many. Personally, when I first started having anal sex it wasn’t my favorite. It was a little hard to get pleasure from it. But over time, I have become a huge fan of anal play/sex. Another thing that can help is anal play. Rubbing, touching, and licking can all be very erotic and stimulating. It can also help relax the muscles and allow for easier insertion.

2. What lube do you recommend?

I personally love Liquid Silk and Pink. They are the least irritating to my tissues and they last much longer than any lube I have used.

3. What position do you find excellent?

My favorite sexual position for anal sex is doggie style. I am more on the rough side of play, so I find that in the position, more BDSM/fetish play can take play that I enjoy. Plus it seems to open things up a little bit better.

Any bonus perspective, tip, story, or thing that you’d really like to share?

I like the ‘work-up’ approach. Start with playful touching and rubbing, then licking, then fingers, eventually working up to something larger. It’s sensual and erotic, not mention it helps me to get into it more and relax.

Hope that helps some!

Thanks Sophia! You may remember her from such films as Bordello, which is where I first saw her. Visit her site at sophiastjames.com.

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Quick Anal Interview with Madison Young

Posted on April 22, 2010 in guest posts, sex | 1 Comment

This Quick Anal Interview comes from Madison Young, feminist, art gallery owner, and porn star. If you haven’t seen her come on camera, you are missing out, it is a glorious thing to watch.

1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?

When doing anal play its important to remember Jane Fonda’s advice “Don’t forget to warm-up.” Stretching isn’t just for yoga or before a morning jog. If I’m planning on doing anal play with my partner or for work I like to warm up before hand. First I like to warm up with lube and a finger or two. Slowly insert into your anus and relax your sphincter muscles and let you anus suck in and relax around your fingers. Then start to slowly move your fingers further into your rectum. This also helps to lubricate the inside of your anus and rectum. I also really love butt plugs and feel like it is a great way to turn on your partner in public as a form of foreplay to wear a buttplug on your date. This also gives your anus plenty of time to warm up and get stretched and ready for different types of anal play when you get home. I highly recommend the silicone b-bomb from GoodVibes.com from Tantus.

2. What lube do you recommend?

I’m a big fan of lots of silicone lube. Swiss Navy is my preferred brand right now. It provides the the perfect slick lubrication for anal play that doesn’t dissipate too quickly. They also have a neat pump so you don’t have to fumble with the cap to the lube when you are in the moment.

3. What position do you find excellent?

It depends on what type of anal play you are engaging in. If I’m fisting my anus, which I love to do, I like to be standing and raise one leg onto a table or chair so it opens my bottom up more and makes it easier for me to reach around. I also like a standing doggy for anal sex with a partner or doggy style. Usually I like to back up onto the hand or cock to adjust myself and have my anus relax around the hand or cock before lots of fucking ensues. Anal play can be incredibly pleasurable and is much easier for me to orgasm this way than through vaginal penetration.

You can see Madison’s work on many sites, including NoFauxxx, Hot Movies 4 Her, and her own domain, madisonbound.com. Thanks Madison!

1 Comment | Category: guest posts, sex | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Quick Anal Interview with Tawny

Posted on April 22, 2010 in guest posts, sex | No Comments

Tawny calls herself an enthusiast, and says, “It’s my favorite form of intercourse.” Here’s her quick anal interview.

1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?

-Masturbate a little, or have a vibe in place on your clit if you’re being penetrated and are nervous. You’ll relax easier, and be less focused on whether or not you’re freaking out (as the penetrated, obvs.)

-Breathe slowly and steadily. Anal can almost be meditative in the right mindset, and if you’re focused on your breathing and relaxing your rectal muscles, you probably will feel pleasure rather than pain. That’s been my experience, anyway.

2. What lube do you recommend?

Maximus is great.

3. What position do you find excellent?

The best position for me has always been doggy style. If whatever cock/toy I’m taking is rather large, I prefer to be bent over something so I can relax as much of my body as possible and have a hand free for the masturbation I mentioned above. (My ex-boyfriend preferred to lay on his back, but that never worked as well for me.)

Any bonus perspective, tip, story, or thing that you’d really like to share?

Honestly, one of the coolest and most zen-like experiences for me has been getting better at anal stretching. It’s erotic, trust-building, and requires great concentration. I’ve never been much of a meditator before, but I can tell you that I definitely prefer my blank slate states with something in my ass.

And story-wise: One of the most ridiculous sets of orgasms I’ve ever had (and I’m easy to get off, so we’re talking a LOT of orgasms) was being fucked in the ass with a Crybaby vibe in my vagina and my boyfriend (doing the fucking, obviously) holding the remote. We were yelled at by the neighbors, who were inside their house next door. So, I definitely recommend combining anal with vaginal penetration and a vibrator, if you’re comfortable with that.

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Quick Anal Interview with Bailey

Posted on April 22, 2010 in guest posts, sex | 1 Comment

These tips are from Bailey (@bailey21975), who wrote to me after seeing my call for interviewing anal enthusiasts on Twitter. More quick anal interviews coming up!

1. What one tip would you suggest (aside from the obvious: lube, communicate, go slow)?

I’d suggest gloves (or condoms, if you are using a toy instead of fingers/hand), for several reasons. Safety, if you aren’t fluid-bonded with your partner. Gloves make certain that any scratchy nails are not going to cause even incidental damage. In my experience, wearing gloves makes the lube last a bit longer without being absorbed. Also, wearing gloves means that if you decide to go from anal sex to vaginal sex on a whim, you strip them off, toss them aside and have at it! No risk of putting bacteria where you certainly don’t want it, and you don’t have to head to the bathroom to scrub your hands, potentially killing the mood. I’m a big fan of gloves for anal play, myself.

2. What lube do you recommend?

If you’re planning on buying just one lube for all purposes, my recommendation is Liquid Silk, all the way. It doesn’t get tacky, it lasts a long time, doesn’t have an unpleasant smell, taste or texture — which is important to me, because I never know where I might want to put my mouth later. Liquid Silk is best if you’re looking for an all purpose lube, but if you’re going to have a separate lube for anal, Maxxximus is the way to go.

3. What position do you find excellent?

Whatever position is the most relaxing for the bottom, ideally. For me, whether top or bottom in this activity, my preference is on hands and knees, head down, ass up. It makes for great visual presentation, and you can see exactly what you’re doing.

Thanks Bailey—follow on Twitter @bailey21975.

1 Comment | Category: guest posts, sex | Tags: , , , ,

Quick Anal Interview with Dylan Ryan

Posted on April 20, 2010 in guest posts, sex | 7 Comments

The second quick anal interview features porn star Dylan Ryan, one of my favorite people to watch fuck on camera, and anal enthusiast herself. When I started brainstorming queer porn scenes to feature here (upcoming!), two of hers came immediately to mind. Here’s what she had to say about anal sex.

Photo of Dylan by Aslan Leather, as featured on Dylan's website


Lube:

Maximus. Hands down the best one I’ve found. Stays cushy without getting gummy. I feel like most people don’t know it… which is funny because it’s sooo good.

Position:

This is hard to describe, but I’ll try. Technically it’s doggy, BUT my upper body and chest is completely on the bed. And then the boy is on top, but he actually puts his legs on TOP of my legs, and moves his cock up higher, in a more downward and less directly into the ass angle. His hands are on the bed on either said with most his lower body on top of me. We call it the SUPER DOG!

Basically, it puts more of his body weight on me. And the angle … it feels less OOMPHy. That’s the one thing about anal, I love it really hard, but the direct right-into-the-ass feels too much like poop, like “I’m filling you up with air.” But with more of an angle that feeling goes away, and there’s more sensation, less blowing up like a balloon.

In this position I feel very mounted, too, which I personally dig. It feels nasty and taboo.

Tips:

I like to do anal after I’ve already cum. So, stick to what you know, get off, and then give it a shot. Usually I’m raring at that point: the body is relaxed, the adrenaline and serotonin are flowing.

I’m really into rimming these days, and I don’t see that suggested very often. Rimming is an AWESOME way to start anal. It feels AMAZING and relaxes everything, and there can be some tongue penetration to get things started.

People tend to get really cerebral about anal, and I understand that, but internalizing all the stuff about it hurting sets people up. If anal was more a regular part of sex in people’s lives, it would be easier to do. Approaching with caution helps with injury, but the anus is pretty damn elastic. If it was something that was less associated with pain, I think people would practice and explore it more. Especially for women, the concepts around it are “oh no, thats going to hurt” as opposed to, “lets find out what I do and don’t like about it.” Just like vaginal or oral sex, everyone has different likes/needs, and exploring those can be icky and painful and weird and not hot, but it can also be amazing and sexy and hot and illuminating. Anal should be part of that package in a positive way!

Dylan Ryan is making the world a better place, one porn at a time. Follow her on Twitter @thedylanryan and check out her new website, dylanryanx.com.

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