Two weeks ago, I got an email from The Ex-Girlfriend - not Callie, but the one before that, who I was with for four years. We’ve been in contact lately because she took our former landlord to court, attempting to get our security deposit back, and I provided some paperwork to help prove we paid.Her email said thanks, got the security deposit, and I have another request: could you please send me the CDs of photographs that you’ve promised me … and it’s true, I did promise, when we split more than a year ago, that I would make her copies of the photographs I took of our life together.

I am happy to send these to her. Really the only reason I haven’t done it so far was because of my faulty technology - my CD burner on my desktop has been very unreliable - and because I just haven’t had the time to sort through the photographs, and I haven’t made the time because there’s been no particular deadline. I wouldn’t even mind sorting through them, it wouldn’t make me sad or angry, there’s just a whole lot of ‘em - four years’ worth! - and that’s going to be time consuming.

Even so, this email was really upsetting. It wasn’t quite the terse tone that she used (I know her well enough to know that actually, that’s just the way she writes), it was something else.

After I thought about it further, I realized that it was because the communication that we currently have is mimicking the ways we (disfunctionally) communicated in our relationship, and I don’t like it now anymore than I did then. Plus, it feels familiar, so it’s triggering of all the bad feelings I had about our relationship by the time it was over.

It’s been over a year since we split, and since I have even seen her, or talked to her on the phone. We’ve communicated - rarely, maybe monthly - via email and Gmail chat since about January, and since then I’ve been saying that I would really like to see her, I have a small bag of her things at my house, which I’d hoped would be a good enough excuse for us to get together. She has consistently said no, but has said that being in my life, being friendly (if not friends), was important to her, so I guess I have been putting a lot of weight and meaning on those promises, those potentials.

This is how I feel: like I am waiting for her to make a move. Like I have my arms and mind and communication open, open, open, and she’s calling all the shots, she’s controlling everything, because I would jump at the chance to see her.

I miss her from my life. She was my best friend for so long. Why do we have to throw away those wonderful people in our lives that we loved? The Ex-girlfriend was a huge loss in my life. Callie was a diaster, but The Ex was a deeply felt loss.

I feel like I used to, when I would make the apartment all nice and clean, I would buy fresh groceries that I know she liked and be ready at home to prepare her favorite meal. I would wait for hours for her to come home, and when she finally did, she’d have already eaten while she was at the library studying, she’d barely look at me, she’d barely acknowledge me, and she instead would go right to her desk and study, study, study.

I’m doing things for her when she asks for them. I’m available to her, open and honest and waiting, waiting for her to make a move, to take a step toward me. Maybe her asking for me to do things for her is a way that she reaches out to me. It seems that’s how she used to do it in our relationship, too.

But that’s not okay anymore. I can no longer wait for her to reach out to me.

I guess my conclusion here is that I need to let go of the expectation that we’ll be able to be in each other’s lives, that we can have some sort of friendship. maybe it’s just not time yet, maybe it’ll never be time, and I’ll work on accepting that. I’m sick of waiting. I hurt, I ache sometimes, not having her in my life. She was so very important to me, and I think I expected more of this than was possible to have.

I’m sorry about that. Sad and sorry.

—–

One of the things this instance has brought up for me is the observation that I don’t expect anyone else to change. I almost never operate from that assumption, that place, within a relationship. If something isn’t going well, I tend to observe the situation, attempt to understand how it is operating from all sides - and I will often talk about it, to understand deeper how it operates - but only to see how it is that I can change, not to ask the other person to do so. Occasionally, during those talks, the other person has come to their own conclusions about how they could do things differently that would cause less strain, but I don’t ask for it.

It is hard for me to ask for someone else to alter what they’re doing in order to make me more safe, more comfortable. I’m struggling with that this week, in other ways. I don’t really know what that’s about, underneath. Maybe I don’t trust others, maybe I don’t believe I’m worth someone else’s work, but neither of those are quite it. Maybe it’s more to do with the ways that I will sacrifice myself for others, over and over, that I will bend over backward and think - really believe - for some reason, that that’s how it should be.

This must stop. I can’t keep going like this, things need need need to settle down. I have to make that happen.

Bee and J. had the privilege of observing me and The Girlfriend, as we have still been seeing each other fairly frequently (um, about daily, until this week). One day, we would be good-natured and light, getting along fine, then the next it would be so tense and awkward as soon as she showed up. They both took me aside and said look, you can’t do this like you’re doing this and had some insights about me and who I am and relationships and how I’m progressing and what to do.

They kept saying, it isn’t fair to her, you actually might be making things worse, you’re prolonging this unnecessarily, etc etc, all those things you would guess they would say.

Which is not wrong. It isn’t that they are off base, just that I am so scared of hurting The Girlfriend again, like I did before, that I am feeling so powerless and silent and frightened of any confrontation or real communication with her.

Which, of course, is a big problem.

The other hesitation is that now that I have my own apartment, now that Bee is in town and J. (was) in town, I don’t “need” The Girlfriend anymore - I don’t need to stay at her place while I’m homeless, I don’t need to use her shower and her fridge, I don’t need her company. So now is when I leave? That, T.G. is accusing me, is incredibly selfish. She is going to call me on this, I know it. She said something similar when she was in Africa and I was still here: that I have been in a bit of a depression for the last year or so, and now that I’m snapping out of it, I want to leave her. Now that I’m moving on, now that she took care of me through that, and things are getting a little better for me, I want to be on my own.

But: partly the reason things ARE getting a little better is EXACTLY BECAUSE I started acknowledging how difficult it was for me to be in relationship with her. And when I started realizing, writing, and making plans about my own life, things started getting better.

What I’m trying to say is that after Bee and J. confronted me about The Girlfriend, I didn’t really know what to say except that they were right, and I didn’t really know what to do about it, aside from have a conversation asking to cut The Girlfriend out of my life. The problem with doing that is that I feel like I need 2 hours, or 5 hours, or a whole weekend, to hash things out and discuss and process and cry, but that I literally DO NOT HAVE 2 HOURS in the next three weeks. I’m booked, seemingly, from 8am to 10pm every day, and I’m exhausting myself. Any spare time MUST be spent on my own mental calmness rather than processing my fucked-up drawn-out relationship breakup.

We kept chatting, and basically came to the conclusion that I did need to talk to her, but don’t have time, and that I cannot let things keep going like they are, because that is stressful and hurtful for both of us. So, I talked to The Girlfriend and explained that my schedule is incredibly full, that I need to have more time and space in my world to simply BE QUIET, let alone write (have you seen me posting here lately? no) and process and call friends and have some peace in my brain. I told her it wasn’t because I don’t love her (because, honestly, I do) or because I don’t care or don’t want to see her (because I do), but rather because my life is overwhelming me.

I told her I knew we needed to talk, to sit down and have an honest, open, real conversation about what’s going on between us, and that I wanted to do that very much but was too restricted by my stupid obligations to do so. I didn’t say that I we shouldn’t talk or see each other, just that we need to set a date to talk about this seriously, and that I can’t guarantee very much presence or communication before then.

This, J. and Bee tell me, will get me “off the hook” when I go to a potluck this Saturday with a girl upon which I have a crush, and when I travel TO ANOTHER STATE to see a girl I have every intention of being intimate with, and when I go to a Body Electric workshop in mid-October.

Yesterday, I did not answer The Girlfriend’s text messages. I did chat with her briefly online, but I did not call her and I did not see her. I think this is the first time I haven’t seen her or talked to her in a very, very long time (of course, sometimes when she was visiting some refugee camp in rural Africa I didn’t speak to her, sometimes for up to a week, but … this is very different).

I gave myself a deadline of October 6th, so this separation must start happening more rapidly. I keep thinking, but I did this already! it’s so unfair to have to do it again! But I know, I know, i haven’t really done it yet, because it isn’t done.

But it’s started, and it’s picking up speed. And it feels … alright.

A bird shat (is that really a word?) on my head this morning. Supposedly, this sort of thing is lucky, but I’m not sure I buy it. I just thought, well … at least my day can’t really get much worse.At the time I was talking to The Girlfriend, standing outside of my subway entrance, feeling the minutes tick by as I became later and later to work. She wanted to talk and process. I wanted to tell her some specific things about me and needing her and our relationship, but it became an odd tense argument and I think we both got our feelings hurt.

i’m not really even sure what we were arguing about this morning, or what the conflict was. i thought about it the whole way to work and still can’t quite figure it out. maybe i was just tired and didn’tprocess that information well enough in my brain to retain it - always possible with me in the morning. i’m sorry about that.

all i wanted to say is i love you, i’m confused, i’m hurting, and it seems like things are changing - sometimes awkward, sometimes good. idon’t want it to be that way. the only move forward that I can thinkof to start working on those unresolved feelings is to sit down and have a conversation for more than five minutes - an honest, realconversation, for a few hours - and I want to figure out when to dothat. but in looking at my schedule I barely have any time …

I guess that’s where part of the conflict was - I was saying I need four hours to talk, you were saying you just want me to payattention/call me when I say I will/etc. I am really sorry about not calling you the night my friend came into town. that was very rude of me. but I can’t keep apologizing for it over &over again. I fucked up, I’m sorry. I can’t do anything else about it. I take responsibility for it, I am sorry I hurt you, that wasn’t niceof me. what is it that I’m not saying that would help this resolve?

I do understand that you have a lot going on right now, that you havethings that aren’t me. I wish I could help more, I want to hear about what’s going on with you. I keep asking you to explain it or tell meabout it and it feels like you just pull away and look at me as thoughI don’t really care, but am just asking because I think I have to.that’s not true. I really do want to know about it. I hate thiswithholding push-pull that we do.

I don’t want us to stop talking or stop seeing each other, but I justneed you to know that i’m so so confused and hurting and in love withyou sometimes and missing you and stressed and falling apart rightnow. and I suspect that you are too. and I’m looking forward at myweek - two weeks, three weeks - and every day is so full. I don’t wantmy lack of phone calls or presence or calling you back or ANYTHING tobe construed as my lack of interest or my sweeping you away or my notneeding you.

that’s what I really want to say, what I was trying to say:
- i love you
- i want to talk to you
- but when i look forward to my next couple weeks, i don’t know if/when i’ll be able to, cause i’m juggling too much, and
- that is not because i don’t care about you, love you, and want to talk to you

… and I need you to know that because I’m not sure what’s going tohappen with me in these busy days. I will do my very best to staypresent and available and around.

I just didn’t feel like you were hearing me. I wanted that to be clearand intentional and from a loving place and I didn’t understand why Iwas getting attacked. or why I felt attacked. I know I’m not doingthis breakup/get back together/fix our relationship stuff very well,but I’m trying to do the best I can, and trying to fix things when Isee that I’m being a jerk.

you’re right about me saying “i’ll fix it later” etc and how unfairthat is when I’m trying to use it on you now. it sucks that sometimesmy relationship is not the very most important thing that I’m doing.but sometimes it just can’t be. it’s so emotional, so painfulsometimes, and I am getting so overwhelmed that I just need to dealwith something else. and there is so much else going on right now that needs attention.

I have more to say, but no time. Busy week.I have a big reading/performance tonight, and one of my best friends is in town from Seattle and agreed to play guitar over my poetry. We’ve been practicing, it sound amazing. Come join us, if you’re in New York City.

I can’t do this much longer.

In fact, I can’t do this at all.

I have almost set up my life such that I can leave. Almost untangled myself from her. Now, we must practice the distance, practice the separation.

I cannot keep seeing her every day. Keep sleeping next to her. Last night I resolved I would go home and not stay with her, but we talked and talked until it was 11:30 and I was nearly asleep anyway and I didn’t have the energy to fight to get myself home. Half an hour away.

I like my apartment. I like being there, alone. But the impulse to call her, go to her, is strong and habitual. I’m not sure how to curb it.

Meanwhile, she acts as though nothing is wrong, going through the motions of daily life, wake up feed the cats take a shower get dressed. I want to scream. At her, at myself. What are we doing? Why do our lives hang in the balance like this? Why am I allowing it?

I need out, I need out, I need out. My body is screaming silent.

I am going on a trip to visit a friend in October and the girlfriend doesn’t know. I am assisting at a sensuality & spirituality retreat the weekend after and the girlfriend knows it isn’t about her. I want to be promiscuous for a while. I want to go out on the town and get drunk and make out with the prettiest girl in the room. I am making plans and looking at the next few weeks as if she wouldn’t be there, but that’s not what is happening.

And here I am, having to change things all over again. Didn’t I do this already? Isn’t this supposed to be over by now?

I have no idea how to tell her. At least before I had an excuse - I had complaints, I had unmet needs. Now, I just have her, crying on the couch, saying I’m trying so hard and I love you, I love you, that’s enough and whatever you need, I’ll do it and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know how to say no, how to say I need time and space to be on my own, how to put up boundaries and walls. I don’t know how to walk away from her.

She’s a habit I can’t break.

If I didn’t have to see her, if I didn’t have to talk to her, perhaps I would be okay. But I’ve always seen that kind of breakup as extraordinarily and unnecessarily cruel; I can be more grown-up than that. I can face my feelings and take responsibility for them.

I have to say something, and that’s what’s been eating me up inside, that’s why my brain has been in turmoil, that’s why I can’t eat or sleep or concentrate.

I have something to say. I’m a fucken writer, you’d think I could find the words. But I’m just so beat-down about this entire break-up and I can’t can’t can’t seem to find the North Star for direction.