dirty stories, real life

I just need to use you.

morningContent warning: Power dynamics, ownership/property play.

Sometimes, I just need to use you.

I don’t know how to describe it: Those times when I wake up and your skin is just right there, you’re not allowed to sleep with clothes on anyway and this is exactly why, so that my hunger stirs the moment I wake and realize that your skin is already under my hands. This particular morning I woke with you behind me and immediately wanted your dick in my ass. I rubbed against you, and you got hard. “You’re hard, aren’t you,” I teased. You woke up and moaned. Ready. Always ready, for whatever it is I need, whatever it is I want to take. It’s what you most want, isn’t it? To be told what to do, to be taken, to be used in the ways that I need. As much as that can be hidden in sex, or desire, or kink play, the same need in you would be filled if I decided you would now only be my footstool and never speak, or be my pet curled up on your little pillow bed in the corner, or my sex slave chained to the bed. I own you, and you know it.

It helps me that it’s what you want, because it is so what I want, but I never thought I’d have it. I never thought this craving for devotion in me was going to be allowed, I never thought I could degrade and humiliate and own and worship and demand in the ways that I can with you. I was always too much for other partners—needed too much, demanded too much, expected too much. I’ve said it so many times, but I am still surprised by how much I feel met with you. You step up, you show up, you don’t shy away from what I need, you don’t let my insatiable hunger scare you.

Or maybe it does scare you, a little. Because you know I’m bigger than you, not exactly stronger but certainly when I throw my weight around I can make you do what I want, what I say, what I need. Not that you would need to be physically overpowered. You’d go willingly, shakingly opening all your holes and skin and mind and will to me, even if it makes you shiver and cry. You are so good. And you like it, I know you do. You can resist all you want, but it doesn’t make the outcome any different. And when you gush and come so hard you drip down my thighs, I know you like it.

That’s what you did this morning, isn’t it. You did just what I told you, and you liked it. You took it just how I told you. You gave all that come to me, because it’s all mine, everything you have is mine now. And I can use what’s mine, I like to use it for exactly what it’s for. And this is what you’re for, isn’t it: To be taken and used, filled and opened. You’re all mine, and this is what I need.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queer women" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for the Lambda Literary Award. They identify as a white non-binary butch dominant, a survivor, and an introvert.

28 thoughts on “I just need to use you.”

  1. Claire says:

    There is something so incredibly beautiful about a need being met, and met with desire and want. It is like the moment you gasp after holding your breath for an instant too long :)

    Fingers crossed for the DIY package. One of these days my financial situation with match up with the online course, and it will be glorious! Alas, today is not that day.

  2. Mary wright says:

    When I was about 14 I started to date my current fiancé and dominant. He showed me a side of him he didn’t know existed : his dominance. At first I was afraid Nd when I tirned 17 I started realizing I was a learned submissive . I craved his dominance like my lungs craved to breath. But somehow I still have troubles learning to submit! It’s been years since I’ve found that I want to submit , but I can’t figure out how . Please help me !

  3. Jaxx Porter says:

    I’m not sure when I realized I was a submissive, but I can speak to the role it has had in my life for over a year now. A year and a half ago, I broke up with my abusive partner although not because of his abusive actions. Since then while reflecting on what actually happened to me, I have found healing through my partners. In being submissive with my partners, I have been able to re-build trust in others while discovering more about my own desires and self.

  4. Ali says:

    Something that I am hoping to explore further with the DIY package!

  5. Monicaaaah says:

    Love your writing! Hoping I get to be the lucky winner and participate in Submissive Playground :)

  6. Adrienne says:

    I always felt comfortable following explicit instruction, so when I discovered dirty fantastic fan fiction I gravitated to the kinkier ones. I got a chance to explore Dom/sub play in college with a boyfriend and was hooked. Nothing was as fulfilling as the little purr and mutter of “good girl.”

  7. Oralslave4You says:

    If someone asked me how i discovered that i am a submissive the answer might surprise you! Some 35+ years ago i discovered the world of BDSM and jumped in with both feet. That jump landed me in the Dominant/Master. i played in real-time for about 15 years, but not nearly as active as i wish i could have been! None the less i was a pretty good Dominant. i certainly had the mindset for it and i am definitely an “Alpha Male!” After playing with a number of submissive women, i met a switch and after a time of me Dominating her, we switched roles for a while and i discovered the eroticism of being the bottom! Well to make a long story short, the more i played in the role of the bottom, the more that i discovered that i truly craved the submissive role. There were a lot of other aspects of my life that dovetailed well with the submissive role. For example i have always been active in serving others in a multitude of ways. But the real kicker for me and what i was not expecting was that i discovered that i tend to be a pain slut and i also seem to really enjoy a couple of forms of humiliation. i guess that i don’t know that i am a true pain slut, only because the Mistresses that i have submitted to have never taken me to a limit, and have always left me wanting for more. With regard to humiliation, i was also somewhat surprised by that side of me because i am really so easy going, and nothing generally speaking shocks me or embarrasses me. So i never really considered how i might be humiliated. But one of the things that i have discovered is that i long to be used as a woman’s urinal and i love to be required to perform analingus for her as well, both acts that can be very humiliating, especially if not done in private! So despite the fact that i have been pursuing the role of the submissive/slave for about 10 years, i don’t have nearly as much experience as a submissive/slave as i would love to have. Just have not met that one special woman that will continue to develop my true submissive nature to its full potential.


  8. Virginia says:

    I’m not really sure what to say, but I want to comment for the contest. So here is my comment. :)

  9. ribenaDiva says:

    I always thought sex was boring, it was a chore an expected part if my relationships but I didn’t know any different, until one day in Amsterdam I went into a lgbt bookstore and saw a book title that caught my eye ‘The Topping Book’ by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

    I read the back cover…but it didn’t sound like ME so I looked for the promoted accompaniment ‘The Bottoming Book’ by the same authors but the store didn’t have it so I decided to grab the book that made my tummy do somersaults at the thought of a partner fitting that description. I read it and instantly ordered the other other one on my return to London.

    I learnt that I wasn’t just a Bottom, I learnt I was a submissive and swiftly bought ‘SM101’ by Jay Wiseman ( The book I highly recommend) I cried with relief… I had finally started to discover and understand what I craved, it had a name, a place, a community and finally all those desires I had as a teenager the fantasies in my head made sense. Now to find it in the Lesbian/FTM community..

    This was in 2005, I’m still craving having not found my Dominant/Daddie or Mentor. And in a Longterm loving Vanilla relationship with a young child is frustrating and at times I just cry because I crave so much and yet don’t know how to get it in my current relationship or outside of it with my partners consent ( not sure that will ever happen though) BUT… I haven’t given up hope of finding who and what I need at some point in the future.

    I crave to be owned, adored, appreciated, used and punished at the hands of a loving, sensual yet strong and somewhat sadistic power hungry experiernced Dominant. I need to be trained because I am bossy and stubborn in my day to day, so like a horse I need breaking too but im willing to do the work because i thrive on praise and pleasing that One person who sees the real submissive me hiding/sheltering inside this seemingly dominant exterior.

    Not sure if anything I wrote made sense but its time I put myself out there to learn about myself more and how to not be ashamed of my needs.

    I do hope this course continues to run because even if I don’t win it I want to do the full package one year (can’t this year due to finances and having a young child) but its a course I wish had been available 10 yrs ago. THANK YOU SINCLAIR ( and partners past and present- *Hi Raif :)* for allowing your interactions to be shared with all of us )for all that you offer and give to people like me by just being you. DatRibenaDiva x

    1. Oralslave4You says:

      Boy do i relate to YOU! it is so, so tough being trapped in a vanilla relationship when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what we are is NOT vanilla but that were created to be submissive or even a slave but have not found our true soul mates! Good luck in your search!

  10. ribenaDiva says:

    Sorry for any typos i was rushing to reply before doing the school run lol

  11. Dylen says:

    To need to owned, to be used, to be of service.

    -my chest-

    i miss my black and blue chest.

    the tender valleys sunken between my ribs;
    the aching spots that budded and then blossomed in life.

    the sounds and silences of each blow, slap, pinch, or grab;
    echoes of intimacies reverberating through my body.

    the comfort of an unfinished patchwork quilt;
    coloured in the shadings of an eternally fading dusk.

    the reminders that i was loved and cherished,
    the fingerprints that she left behind.


  12. yona says:

    That perfect feeling of being used, of being useful, is the pinnacle of submission for me. After 15 years in the collar is still find so much more to explore in those feelings of use and being used for the pleasure of another.

    Thank you for expressing the beautiful hunger of the dominant side of use.

  13. Lola says:

    So excited for Submissive Playground! I hope I win :)

  14. Bronwyn says:

    I have been reading kink erotica sonce I was a teenager (now 32) and I would love to explore my submissive desires more fully. The submissive playground seems ti be an excellent place to start!!

  15. Tequila Rose says:

    I realized I was a submissive when I was still in high school. I didn’t know what these feelings were until several years later when I met my first dominant online. I can’t explain the rush I felt being able to finally submit to someone and to figure out what I was feeling. We met once in person and after that one time, I realized that I wasn’t going to be satisfied just submitting online, that I needed this in my life all the time. It was also such a great feeling to learn that I wasn’t the only one out there who felt this way!

    Some super amazing books that I have read and recommend to others are:

    62Q: Sixty-two Questions for Your Dominant by Michael Makai
    Domination and Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook by Michael Makai
    Becoming a Slave by Jack Rinella
    Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera
    Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Philip Miller
    and those are just the ones I’ve read. There’s so many other books that have been highly recommended that I want to read.

    Thank you so much for this giveaway.

  16. TNG says:

    I don’t think I ever “realized” I was a submissive – I just always was – but it wasn’t until I was partnered with someone who had their own set of kinks that I started thinking more about what my interests and preferences were. While we didn’t work out, I’m ever grateful to that partner for opening the door to me better able to express myself and my desires. I am currently partnered to someone and I would like to learn more about submission, myself, and how to please them, and others.

  17. serenity says:

    I had my first taste of being a submissive last night. it made me realize this is something i need in my life and i would like to know how to be the best sub i can be. Lookimg forward to my journey

  18. Eirikah says:

    So delicious–from both sides of that story. To use or be used, insatiable and devoted…

    Please do include me in the drawing for the DIY slot :)

  19. MasquedInRed says:

    I have to say, I’ve followed your blog for awhile now, and every time you post a writing I find myself amazed at how you write them. And how I *feel* when I write them. (Is that creepy?)

    I want to just tell you that I appreciate your writing, and although at the moment I don’t have the funds to be a “Patreon” I am grateful that others do. Your writing inspires me to look deeper in myself and be more authentic to who I am.

    Thank you for sharing with us your time and words and memories. :)

  20. Boijude says:

    I remember being introduce to BDSM in my twenties. But thought nope better move on. Last few years someone I know helped me embrace my submissive. But at times do wonder if there is a switch side to me. Yet ready your writing was erotic and wow! So I hope I can win this a lot!

  21. Kate says:

    I wanted to take the class last time it was offered, but still could not afford it. Since then, I have finally found a Top with whom I can explore my submissive side and nourish my service, but I would be so very thankful to learn more about how to start this journey I’ve been dreaming about for years. I’m so excited about the service element of the class, and would be humbled and grateful to participate. Here’s to hoping!

  22. Vida says:

    It is so rewarding to be dominant, and feel the intensity that comes with a good submissive. The give and take, is beyond awesome.

  23. Tuesday says:

    I’d love to win a spot, so many things to explore

  24. Sabina says:

    Dear Mr. Sexsmith,

    I’ve been following your blog for years now. Your erotic stories and poetry are amazing. I think “Sweet and Rough” includes some of your best writing yet. I’d love to learn more from you first hand.

    I’m just beginning my submissive journey. Like many of the other comments posted here (ribenaDiva, especially), I’ve always had strong submissive urges, but it took me a long time to identify them as such. I suffered from genderized stereotypes that were limiting to my development as well. I thought that if I showed my submissive side, most men would “naturally” “become” dominant. But this obviously isn’t true. Most people are vanilla. I made the mistake of thinking that most people were like me. I’m now married with 2 young daughters to a wonderful, loving man, but he does not share my interests.

    Finding a strong online community has helped me maintain my sanity. I was able to find ways of communicating my needs to my husband, and although it will never be a D/s relationship, we’ve found ways to move forward. Participating in Submissive Playground would be a major step in this journey. Good luck to everyone!

  25. Bolea says:

    I think i discovered that i am a submissive in my fantasies about being tied up when i was a really small kid of 9 or 10.
    i played being tied up and masturbated with a blanket :)

    i really would love to win that spot!

  26. simiXC says:

    I have actually been submissive in many aspects of my life, all my life. Only recently did I realise exactly what I was, in a “lightbulb” moment, and even more recently have I started to accept it and am now trying to get better after some very serious hurt from those that were taking advantage of me. I now hope to better myself, starting with knowing more about this part of my life so that I can be stronger, and be able to be safe while being myself, a submissive. I’d love to win a spot, but even if I don’t, I thank you for giving someone this amazing opportunity.

  27. Sand says:

    I first discovered I liked being submissive when I was younger and dating someone much older than me who was into spanking. It was such a turn on to give up control.

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