essays, kink

Submissive Fantasy vs Submissive Reality, Guest Post by rife

Hi this is rife, Sinclair’s boy. Maybe you’ve read dirty things about me, but that’s not the whole story. So what am I up to when not bent over? Well … I love erotica and porn as much as anyone (honest!), but often when people describe it, we get so hot and heavy talking about the erotic fantasy version of BDSM and the really turned-up power play, and sometimes forget to mention the everyday lived realities and negotiations of it for “24/7” or “live-in” slaves, like me. These real-life submissive moments can be mundane, but also deeply satisfying in ways we might never expect.

So what does that stuff look like? You know, all the boring, in-between times where we try to keep the dynamic hot and tight and present, despite jobs and obligations and sick days and the general upkeep involved with not living in a fantasy world? That’s what I’m here to share. (I’ll try to get your rocks off another time, promise.)

Disclaimer: The following is a true account of my personal experience with live-in submission versus my fantasy version of it. This is only my experience, and please don’t take me too seriously, or assume this is The Way It Is for all slaves or s-types. I’m just speaking for me, here. This is not the right way, just the right way for me.

Submissive Fantasy Morning

7:00 AM Slide out of my spot at the foot of the bed bed before dawn, silently padding out to not disturb the sleeping Dominant.
7:03 AM Shower and shave my cunt with the straight razor, then put on the jock strap that Master left out for me the night before. Wearing only that, I start prepping Master their favorite breakfast, and have it ready on the table when they awake, with ice water with lime, their pills, and morning tea prepared (but not too hot).
8:00 AM Spanking with the wooden spoon over Daddy’s knee because I’ve not cut the onions small enough. Everything else was delicious.
8:15 AM Set up the office for Master’s work day; the heat is up, the shades are drawn, music is on. Sit at Master’s feet and await further orders.
9:00 AM Time for my daily fitness routine. Make sure Master doesn’t need anything, and I go to the little gym equipment in the corner. Master looks up from their work from time to time to watch, singletail in hand in case I should slack off. I make soft, sexy grunting sounds while I pump iron.
10:00 AM Help Master with their website and work tasks, check in on the Submissive Playground forums and emails.

Submissive Reality Morning

7:04 AM First alarm goes off. Wake up warm and cozy in Daddy’s arms, curl around tighter and hit snooze.
7:48 AM Three snoozes later, we stir. We tell each other our dreams and dirty stories, and end up fooling around some.
8:15 AM I groggily ask permission to leave the bed.
8:16 AM Why is it always so cold in this house?! Throw on last night’s PJs from the floor and a big fluffy robe. I go pee, as directed, so I don’t get another UTI.
8:21 AM Daddy finds me staring at the coffee pot and takes over making breakfast. I’m delegated to chopping and fetching duty, out of the way.
8:27 AM I put away last night’s dishes and set the table for breakfast. “Can we eat outside, Daddy?” “No, boy. It’s still too cold out.” “Okay, Sir.” Breakfast is delicious. I thank them lots and apologize for being useless in the morning for about the billionth time. I make the bed like Daddy likes it.
9:00 AM The first round of dishes for today; why does Daddy need so many bowls to scramble eggs?
9:15 AM Planning the day, picking the Most Important Tasks from my boy chores list, and reminding myself, what was that new protocol this week…?
9:22 AM “Daddy, may I use the restroom please?”
9:24 AM Sweep the kitchen floor (didn’t I just do this yesterday? I’m pretty sure I did) and settle in to work.
9:45 AM Email and other admin tasks for my small business, on a cushion in the living room floor, not at their feet, but where Daddy can see me.

Submissive Fantasy Afternoon

1:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.
2:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.
3:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.
4:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.
5:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally … What do submissives do all day in their fantasies? I.. uh, take a nap maybe? Oh, do some personal grooming! Definitely. And… practice my guitar and other pleasing arts.
6:30 PM – Midnight SEXUAL RELATIONS BDSM FUNTIMES EVERY DAY. Whips and chains and shit in our own personal dungeon in the basement (which is totally not creepy and filled with old mattresses and feral cats, in this fantasy universe).

Submissive Reality Afternoon

1:00 PM Second set of dishes for the day, from lunch and the coffeepot, which is regrettably empty.
1:00 PM – 3:45 PM Work at my job, building websites and mobile apps and stuff. This month I have a variety of fun projects (and the normal cadre of boring ones, too).
3:45 PM “May I use the restroom, Sir?” “Yes, go ahead, boy. Give me a kiss first.” (I also refill their water while I’m up.)
3:48 PM Back to work. Probably time for a tea and fruit break. I offer Master some but they decline.
3:50 PM- 6:00 PM Work, work, work. Small breaks to pay bills and walk the dog.
6:01 PM Freedom!! “Daddy, can we go for a walk? Please, please?”
6:22 PM Night hike around our favorite little lake, followed by dinner at that Thai place I’m not crazy about by Master is really into. Daddy orders for both of us and I ask before sitting.
8:00 PM Catching up on some Downton Abbey. We are way behind. I’m invited onto the couch!
10:00 PM We play cribbage because we are basically old people. Daddy kicks my ass this time.
11:00 PM Where did the time go? I brush my teeth and pick out a bedtime story, strip down to sleep naked and ask permission to get in bed, as I should, grateful for my real-life Daddy and deep spiritual submission. Even when it means doing the dishes 3 times a day.

Okay, so there you have it. My day-in-the-life of your average, everyday sex slave (results not typical. Your mileage may vary). I notice some big differences between the fantasy realm and the real-life versions, namely: hurray! In the fantasy, I don’t have to work because Master supports us both. You know, because writing smut and giving it away for free on the internet is so lucrative (eyeroll).

It hasn’t always been this way, though. The first year and a half of our relationship, we could basically keep the fantasy up, fuck and play the vast majority of our time together. The secret? We only saw each other on weekends, at conventions or hotels (where someone else did the laundry and everything else could wait). I highly recommend long-distance D/s if you want to live your fantasies (and who doesn’t?), it is super fun.

But eventually, we wanted more. The thing about the boring in-between times, the sick days and hours of bad TV and cuddling and cleaning house, is that that’s most of what our lives are made of. And there came a point, at least in my life, where that reality of intimacy with another human became preferable to even my best fantasy. That, my friends, is called winning.

Now, I’m not saying we don’t still have marathon fuck sessions or break out the implements o’ destruction from time to time (because oh, we do). But when I imagine that kind of intensity every day, I kind of lose my boner for it. I remember before we moved in together I was genuinely scared: What if I could just never sit down again because of all the bruises on top of bruises?

We did it anyway, though it was scary as hell. Finally, that “monstrous want” of Master’s calmed down. Don’t worry, it’s still here, but channeled. We found ways to feed it, even on random Wednesdays when we both had to work, that didn’t involve making me purple all over or quitting my job and forsaking all other obligations. We found some kind of… balance.

I’m not going to blather on about my history and congratulate myself on getting here, to “living the dream” of live-in submission. Because honestly, I’m still new at this, and finding my way. But I will tell you this: It doesn’t happen by accident. You have to look for it, hard, for years sometimes (ten in my case!). You have to work your ass off to be worthy of it when it does show up. I wish the same for you, sincerely, that you can make the steps to actualize your fantasies and fantasize the reality, until it’s hard for you to untangle them, too.

Still, I’ll take the reality any day.


PS: Are you another submissive looking for community? I’ll be active in the forums and chat and video calls during the Submissive Playground. I love it there! No other place on the internet have I found such an active, supportive community of true peers. I’m honored to know all the players. I’d like to invite you to join me there, but you’d have to act super fast—registration closes tomorrow!

Published by rife

rife is the property of Sinclair Sexsmith. He likes motorcycles, leather, and hiking with dogs. When not serving Master, he serves many other folks in the community through his graphic and web design small business

17 thoughts on “Submissive Fantasy vs Submissive Reality, Guest Post by rife”

  1. Claire says:

    This post made me laugh and think, which is fantastic. I think there are often times a fair bit of land between our fantasy life visions, and our realities, but it sounds like you both have found a way to incorporate one into the other. What would we day dream about if our lives were nothing but fantasy?

    Here’s to occasional five hour oral fuck fest, and to all the days when it is more of a mental exercise. :) Great post rife!

    1. rife says:

      I’m so glad! :)

      I don’t know what we would dream about… probably chocolate.
      love the “days when it is more of a mental exercise” idea. Totally spot-on.

  2. Tracy says:

    I love that you play cribbage!


    1. rife says:

      Me too!

  3. Nella says:

    You are adorable. It’s so nice to hear your point of view. Honest,hilarious…good job

    1. rife says:


  4. Aura says:


    I love this. And it resonates with me so strongly, especially because a) my Daddy and I were long-distance at first, too, and that fantasy version was fantastically sexy and fun when we were together, but it sucked when we were apart (which was most of the time), b) in real life, I have SHIT TO DO, and that means sometimes Daddy makes me dinner or bathes the kids so I can get work done or find us sexy friends to play with or whatever urgent task is at hand, and c) just like rife, it’s as important to me that Daddy is a safe, cuddly, nurturing figure in my life, and not just a demanding, suave Dom. I need both.

    I will say that I feel the need for sex-soaked get-aways at intervals now that we live together. With kids and dishes and dogs and all the rest at home, it’s hard to really clear the space for long kinky sessions (though, like you, we make it happen when we can), and it feels important to reinvigorate our dynamic with times when we can really do protocol and lounge around in bed for hours of play and aftercare.

    Love you guys!

    1. rife says:

      Thanks, Aura!

      I think you’re right, very right! Sounds like we’re in similar spots. I think it’s the best of both worlds, in many ways. We get to have our Daddies and blow our Doms, too.

      Looking very forward to all our kinky vacations this year, from Desire in Palm Springs to Summer Camp (where we met!)


  5. Cameron McLain says:

    I really enjoyed this piece, rife – thanks so much for articulating fantasy v. reality in such a sweet, engaging way. A pleasure to read!

  6. Kathleen says:

    Thank you very much for talking about the differences. For me, it’s been the hardest thing to reconcile when Master and I began living together. In some ways, it still is. I hunger for those intense-just-us times full of 8 hour fucking. And at the same time, this daily practice feeds other parts of me as well.
    Thanks rife.

    PS. Bouncy happy you both are coming to Desire!


  7. Lauren says:

    I rarely post comments on articles and such that I read on the Internet, but this is just so perfect. Your story is so similar to that of myself and my Dom. It is fantastic to hear other people’s experiences with a lifestyle situation that is so honest and real. Most people think my relationship is whips and chains and me being called a ‘cunt’ 24 hours a day and they dot realize that in a lot of ways our lives are very normal except that we have a different power dynamic. Anyways, thank you for sharing this, I very much enjoyed reading it.

  8. Danni says:

    Lovely! This made me giggle and gave me quite a bit of relief to know without a shred of doubt that no, really, other D/s couples are not living the fantasy all the time and I’m the odd, boring one out. There can be a certain sweetness to the reality, as opposed to (or rather, complemented by) the spiciness of the fantasy, and it’s wonderful to see that same sweetness in others’ lives too. Thanks for sharing, rife!

  9. Thianna says:

    Loved this. While the fantasy is fun, I’ve always kind of preferred the reality. Yeah. I’m odd. Kudos to you to finding your Master online. I’ve given up on my hunt. All I seem to find are fakes or people who live totally in the fantasy.

    I’ve now bookmarked this site and look forward to reading more :)

  10. Ms Syren says:

    Your reality is beautiful and warm.
    My girl is off working (she runs her own business, too) while I’m home darning socks and tending the garden and baking. Our mornings look a lot like yours – snuggling and dragging our asses out of bed, her making me breakfast, me getting the coffee on when she has to get out the door more quickly than usual.
    When we started our dynamic, she came to visit twice a week to clean my kitchen and do the vacuuming (and mess around, though that wasn’t originally part of it). Six+ years (and a lease, and a marriage) in, and our 24/7 dynamic doesn’t look like anything you’d read about in The Marketplace. It feels so good to see the connection, mutual care-giving, and gentle power-exchange that we share reflected in someone else’s experience.
    Thank you. :-)

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