Archive for October, 2012

Fisting Day, Featuring Cyd & Essex

October 31, 2012  |  reviews  |  No Comments

And now for something completely different …

Fisting Day was October 21st, and I’m not sure exactly what I was doing, but I didn’t get something up before it. I think Courtney Trouble did a great job with it, I love the resources collected on the Fisting Day blog. So if you’re curious about it, you should check it out.

Courtney sent along a fisting scene with Cyd and Essex from the new site FTM Fucker, from which I snapped that still above. I’ve been kinda out of the queer porn loop lately, but I am loving that there are more cis men and more depictions of masculinity.

To Do While Grieving List

October 28, 2012  |  poetry  |  9 Comments

1. Shower ever day. Even if you have to cry through it.

2. Put on clean clothes, even if they aren’t your favorites. Or do laundry, and wear only your favorites.

3. Behave well toward Kristen. She loves you, you love her, even if you are numb and can’t remember.

4. Write. Because it heals you. Because you can’t do anything else. Because it makes the most sense. Because it is your deepest practice, your deepest craft.

4a. Take a class, make some art, take up time.

5. Run. When you want to get away from yourself and these emotions, get them out of your body. Go back to boxing class. Take out the anger on something else.

6. Grow the fuck up. Behave like an adult. Stop the self-pity. Stop the over-indulgence of your feelings. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

7. Read. Read poetry if you can’t get into long things. Read indulgently. Read grief memoirs and buddhist philosophy and ttantra and open up to healing. Ask yourself, what do I need to do to heal today. Read more.

8. Work. Set reminders in your phone for appointment times because you can’t keep track of time. Calendar everything. Make work a priority. Finish projects. Make art. Focus on this, if nothing else.

8a. Don’t publish over-indulgent blog posts that attempt to tell the “whole story” and draw some conclusion. Write poetry. Write about feelings. Write about love and sex and grief and loss and abandonment, how scary it is to watch Kristen bloom, and how much it matters to let her. Learn what over-indulgent blog posts look like, so that when you do write them, you don’t hit “publish.”

9. Go outside. Feel the earth. Drink water.

10. Pray. You are not alone, even though you feel you are. Faith is when you see no hope, and you do it anyway. Times like this are why we practice. Lean on your practices. Everything is temporary.

11. Behave well toward yourself. Take care of your body. Eat well. Nourish. Buy a fancy new soap so showers suck less. Make a list of your favorite foods, then eat them. Start watching a new TV series when you can’t be in your brain anymore. Be alone when you need to be. Practice impeccable self-care. Forgive everyone, and maybe yourself most of all.

Review: Roving Pack by Sassafras Lowrey

October 25, 2012  |  reviews  |  No Comments

I feel so lucky to know a lot of artists, to consider myself part of the larger community of queers who live brazenly and create art out of our heartbreak, growth, struggles, and lessons. Roving Pack, Sassafras Lowrey’s first full-length novel, is a beautiful, fun, and poignant read, and it makes me excited to be part of these queer artist communities.

Roving Pack follows Click, a homeless teenage genderqueer creature struggling with hir relationships with family of origin in addition to hir crushes and relationships with butches and trans guys who are lovers and Daddies and friends. Set in the punk underbelly of Portland, Oregon, in the 1990s, the book is an honest look at the queer youth center, navigating housing as a homeless youth, squats, testosterone injections, straightedge politics, D/s, and a deep love of dogs.

I read it quickly, devoured it really. I came out as queer in the late 1990s in Seattle, and came to a queer identity in a very similar culture. Though I was a bit older and not homeless, the tone and characters and place really resonated with me.

Order it online at rovingpack.com, and read more excerpts and thoughts about the book over there.

Protected: Grief. Also, Trying to Find My Awesome Place

October 23, 2012  |  journal entries, miscellany  |  Enter your password to view comments.

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Protected: I don’t want to tell you these things.

October 15, 2012  |  poetry  |  Enter your password to view comments.

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Say Please Reading Tonight in New York City, And Sadly I Won’t Be There

October 5, 2012  |  miscellany  |  3 Comments

I’ve just arrived in Toronto after a loooong day of driving. Kristen and I are staying visiting for Unholy Harvest, and sticking around for a few more events and to visit with some friends, including Mr. Gray at Aslan Leather. I’d never seen Niagra Falls before, it was a thrill this afternoon! As per our usual style, Kristen and I had some good big-picture talks about life, love, and the Sugarbutch Empire on the long (10 hour!) drive up. She made some disco mixes (including lots of Jessie Ware, who Kristen is pretty into these days) and we generally amused ourselves.

As I’m getting ready to turn on the streaming NPR concert that I’m pissed is happening in New York City tonight, I’m reminded that there’s something else exciting going on in New York this evening: a Say Please reading!

The reading series Between the Covers at Happy Ending Lounge is featuring writers from Say Please and The Harder She Comes: Butch/Femme Erotica tonight. If you’re looking for something to do, go on out and say I sent you. (That & $10 will get you a stiff drink.)

Details:

We’re putting the spotlight on Cleis Press, long-time publisher of sex-positive erotica. How? By welcoming editor D.L. King and contributors to The Harder She Comes:Butch/Femme Erotica and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica to the mic. Joining host Lori Perkins this month with their seductive, steamy stories, with D.L. King, Xan West, Aimee Herman, Elizabeth Thorne.

REMEMBER: Doors open at 7:00 so come early and socialize. Reading begins at 8:00 pm.
Enter our Dirty Word Draw at the reading for prize baskets filled with books, ebooks, and sundry kinky items! For your chance to win, write down your favorite dirty word and initial it (because great perv minds think alike). We’ll toss it in our basket and then it’s the luck of the draw!

RSVP on Facebook

Between the Covers
First Friday of the month. 7-10 p.m.
Free. Casual dress.
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome Street
New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-9676
www.happyendinglounge.com

I’ll aim to post some things from this trip, but if not, will talk to you next week when I get back.

My Dirty Sexy Queer Writer Recommendations

October 4, 2012  |  miscellany  |  1 Comment

I was interviewed for Time Out NY recently (along with Rachel Kramer Bussel and Rachel Rabbit White and some other folks) about my favorite sex bloggers, and the article came out today.

I’ve meant for a while to compile a list of links to have somewhere here on Sugarbutch. Nominations for the top sex bloggers of 2012 were open recently (and closed now) and I meant to put forward a list of my personal favorites, but didn’t get around to it. (Check out the comments for hundreds of sex blogs to search and surf, if you’re into that.) You can also surf through the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011, but there are very few queer bloggers on there, if that’s what you’re looking for. (Where are they?) (I’ve been retired from that list because I was in the top three years in a row, which is kind of too bad, but Sugarbutch is also totally not competitive in that world anymore. Which is a slightly different post.)

I used to have a community page, but I haven’t updated that in (probably literally) years.

I also used to keep my Google reader shared items in the sidebar, which was awesome and I loved that it was a frequent solution to links, because I’d just share the articles or stories or blog posts that were awesome, and other people who used Google reader as their primary RSS feed reader could see what I recommended in their feeds too. Google reader has since been basically rendered useless as they tried to integrate their shared items into Google+, which nobody uses and can’t seem to be embedded into a sidebar. I’ve looked into Feedly and a few other online feed readers, but nothing has that particular feature that I’d love to see revived.

Any suggestions for a tool where I can a) read my RSS feeds, b) share items, and c) embed the shared items into the sidebar of this site??

There is also Tumblr, of course. I kind of wish I could just share my whole dashboard as recommendations of who to follow, but I guess that’s what the reblogging is for. My tumblr is mrsexsmith.tumblr.com and I try to keep up with that.

Meanwhile, here’s the Time Out NY article, and the links below that I sent them (many of which they didn’t include). These are sex blogs specifically—there are many other blogs I read often and eagerly, though I no longer have the daily habit of checking my reader first thing and reading The Entire Internet every day.

Erotic writings:
http://quickienewyork.com
http://www.writingdirty.com
http://bdswain.com/

Things I keep in my underwear drawer:
http://bedtimestories-daddy.blogspot.com/

Not frequently updated anymore, but influential on me:
http://www.247richardandamy.com/
http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/
http://afeministsub.wordpress.com/
http://littlegirlyone.wordpress.com/

Writings about sex (more on the theory side):
http://www.charlieglickman.com/
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/
http://www.mollena.com/
http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/

Podcasts:
http://www.masocast.com
http://thestranger.com/savage

Community sites:
http://www.fearlesspress.com
http://filthygorgeousthings.com
http://www.scarleteen.com

Sometimes I feel very removed from the next new thing—I spent so much time marketing and promoting and doing workshops these days, and less and less time on the net. It does seem like there is a big lack of queer erotica writers sharing their work online. Who are your favorite writers or blogs? Are there queer sex blogs that I should be reading, but maybe don’t know about? Who are your favorite butch/femme bloggers? Who do you read every day? I’d love to know.

Review: Lelo Tiani 2

October 3, 2012  |  reviews  |  No Comments

Lelo sent me the Tiani 2 vibrator to explore with over the summer (quite a long time ago, I admit) and I am finally getting around to writing a review of it.

Here’s my problem: I often forget about vibrators. I think it’s easier for me to embody toys that rely on the motion of my body to animate or be used, which, when I think about it, seems really obvious, but I hadn’t really articulated that until recently. Which is why I like cocks and floggers and canes and paddles, bondage if necessary, my hands, my belt.

But. I fuck with my cock a lot, and I really like to get off while I do that, and I seem to never quite have the magic combination of what it takes to get off while fucking with a strap-on, so I have been eager to try some of these newfangled fancy vibrators to see if that would support getting off more easily.

This one, the Tiani 2, is a little U-shape that is made to have the bottom part inserted into the cunt and the top part sitting over someone’s clit. It is marketed primarily to hetero couples as something the woman would wear while being penetrated, and hey maybe that is awesome, I’m not sure. I didn’t try it out that way (yet). (I mean I probably won’t try it out that way in a hetero way, but I could share it with whoever I’m fucking and see if they like that kind of vibration while being penetrated.)

It is covered in silicone, so a quick 10% bleach solution will sterilize it such that it is shareable. By the way.

I’m particularly interested in using it underneath a harness, on myself, to see if that helps me get off. The harness holds it easily in place, and the vibration is lovely. It fits well. I like the stimulation.

But I still didn’t get off very easily. I got really overstimulated really quickly, actually, and then couldn’t quite calm my body down to get off after that. That has been happening to me a lot lately, though, so I don’t think it’s the fault of the toy, though it is frustrating that this isn’t the perfect solution for me to getting off while strapped on.

Your milage may vary, however! I have heard from many folks who strap-on in classes and via email that this is an excellent tool for them, and they like it a lot. If you like vibration stimulation, this might be something worth exploring.

So one of the things marketed about Tiani 2 that is supposed to be amazing is the “SenseMotion™ technology” remote control. Having a remote I can get behind, since that also means someone can wear it under their clothes out in public and someone else can control the stimulation they receive (hot!). But the “SenseMotion” part means that if you tilt the remote, the vibration is supposed to go up or down, which is very inconvenient for, well, lots of things in lots of ways. You can’t really hold it in your hand while you’re fucking, for example, or you’ll mess up the settings that you may’ve just determined were awesome. I also don’t really love vibrators where I have to read the user manual before I know how to use it—I don’t want it to be that complicated! Just give me an on/off button, that’s all I really need. Maybe a few options for speed settings, but that’s enough.

Conclusion: Impressed with the design, great for use under a harness. Remote was awkward. Didn’t blow my mind, but I’ll keep trying it.

The Tiani 2 was sent to me by Lelo to review. Thanks Lelo!

Dirty Queer Sex Tour: Toronto on October 9th at Glad Day Bookshop

October 2, 2012  |  miscellany  |  No Comments

You are invited to … A night of DIRTY QUEER SEX!

Tuesday, October 9th, 8pm
Glad Day Bookshop
598 Yonge St, Toronto, Ontario M4Y1Z3
RSVP on F

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acebook!

Featuring readers from the SAY PLEASE: LESBIAN BDSM EROTICA, and many special guests! Performers include Titus Androgynous, S. Bear Bergman, Drew Deveaux, Dorianne, Carrie Gray, and Andrea Zanin. Hosted by Sinclair Sexsmith, writer of the Sugarbutch Chronicles and editor of Say Please & Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

In SAY PLEASE, Sinclair Sexsmith presents a cornucopia of queer kink—tantalizing tales rich in variety and saucy details of girls put in their place—and held there firmly. Whether readers dream of surrendering to a lover or of taking control, Say Please offers plenty of erotic inspiration and gives readers exactly what they want! Come hear authors from the book read their stories and celebrate the release of this kinky queer collection.

ABOUT THE EDITOR/HOST

Sinclair Sexsmith has been writing online since 1996 about identity, queer culture, feminism, and self-awareness, and teaches workshops on BDSM, gender, and getting the sex life you want. They produce the award-winning website Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. Contributing to more than fifteen anthologies, including five Best Lesbian Erotica editions, Persistence: Still Butch and Femme, and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, Mr. Sexsmith is also on the board of the upcoming 2013 BUTCH Voices conference, and serves the Body Electric School as a coordinator. They are the guest editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and editor of Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both from Cleis Press. More information about their events, workshops, and projects at mrsexsmith.com.

ABOUT THE READERS

Titus Androgynous is a performer, writer and, when time permits, boxer. A contributor to the queer fashion blog, DapperQ, she began writing as a way to explore her emerging dapper-butch aesthetic. She is fresh from an acclaimed gender-bent production of Henry V, and can’t wait to tease you all with some salacious prose.

S. Bear Bergman (www.sbearbergman.com) is an author, a theater artist, an instigator, a gender-jammer, and a good example of what happens when you overeducate a contrarian. He is also the author or editor of three books for grown-ups, two books for kids, four award-winning solo performances, assorted contributions to anthologies on all manner of topics from the sacred to the extremely profane. A longtime activist, Bear continues to work at the points of intersection between and among gender, sexuality, and culture, and spends a lot of time trying to discourage people from installing traffic signals there.

Drew Deveaux, the mischievous activist, has been pushing the boundaries of queer activism from her perch in Toronto since 2005. As an educator, Drew coined the term ‘anti-cissexism’ training to re-conceptualize the way we do trans education and see it through an anti-oppresion lens. Drew has often remarked that “bedroom is the last frontier of social justice”. Seeking to showcase the sweet reality that trans women can be just as sexy and sublime as their cis counterparts, Drew entered the world of porn in 2009 and has since been a part of over 12 features as well as appearing on many websites. The accolades for her work started to quickly gush in, and they include being a Fleshbot Top 10 Crush Object of 2011 as well as winning the Hearthrob of the Year award at the 2011 Feminist Porn Awards.

Dorianne is a queer kinky sex enthusiast who writes in many genres including erotic short fiction. Her dirty work has been featured in The Mammoth Book Of Threesomes and Moresomes (Running Press), Best Women’s Erotica 2012 (Cleis Pres), issue #2 of Up & Coming Magazine, and on www.metanotherfrog.com. She is a regular reader at the Erotica Readers & Writers Meetup in Toronto. Visit her online at www.dorianneemmerton.com

Carrie Gray is a Toronto based BDSM educator, photographer, manufacturer and designer of strap on harnesses, bondage equipment and owner of ASLAN Leather Inc. Carrie has presented at The Floating World 2010, Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, Dark Odyssey WinterFire 2011, and has been teaching his classes through Good For Her in Toronto for over 10 years. Carrie identifies as a Gender Queer, Transgendered Butch and is a passionate advocate of BDSM as a self-empowering form of sexual, psychological and physical play. A lifestyle Daddy and Master, Carrie enjoys the discoveries that come from pushing the psychological and physical boundaries of top and bottom space through role play, the intimate power of spanking, flogging and the beautiful submission and control of bondage. Carrie’s scene experience and sadistic pleasures cover a variety of activities including knives, canes, needle play, single tails and age play. He believes that playing is an ongoing growth process and is always ready to learn new skills to share with others. With over 10 years experience as a BDSM educator Carrie shares his expertise and lessons in an engaging, open and entertaining format that encourages participants to learn through communication, play and participation.

When she’s not working on her PhD in women’s studies, Andrea Zanin travels the world to teach about sex and sadomasochism. Back at home, she co-organizes the annual Canadian leatherdyke weekend An Unholy Harvest and runs a pervy book club called The Leather Bindings Society. Andrea blogs at sexgeek.wordpress.com, writes the “Ask the Sex Geek” column for In Toronto magazine, and pens pervy porn, most recently for Tristan Taormino’s Lambda Award-winning “Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica,” the Leather issue of Salacious magazine, and the forthcoming D. L. King collection “Under Her Thumb: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance.”

Back on the Road … 2012-2013 Workshops and Travels: Booking Now!

October 1, 2012  |  miscellany  |  1 Comment

It’s that time again! The kids are back to school, and I’m back on the road. Okay, so I never really stopped being on the road—this past year I have traveled more than I ever have before, and I love that this is now part of my job.

I’ve been working on my workshop offerings a lot in the last month or so. I had some photos taken to use as promotional materials, I redesigned both Sugarbutch and mrsexsmith.com and jazzed them up, and I’ve spent a lot of time on new workshop topics, structures, and outlines.

I’ve got some exciting new classes and talks I’m thrilled to start offering! Some of the new ones include:

  • Butch & Femme for the 21st Century (lecture)
  • Best Sex Ever!
  • From Sexual Shame to Sexual Mathlete
  • The Feminist Fist: Sensation, Power Dynamics, and Consent
  • How to Change the World Through Sex: Careers in Pleasure
  • The Sexual Politics of Topping
  • So You Want To Be A Daddy?
  • Protocol in D/s Relationships
  • Leaving Marks: Biting, Punching, Cutting, and More

Check out my updated workshop list with descriptions and details. I’ve also got two new snazzy PDFs—one aimed at colleges with more academic workshops about sex and gender, and one with my kink classes for sex toy stores and BDSM retreats and conferences.

I’m aiming to travel in October and November, and then again in February, March, April, and May. I already have many dates and aims for where I’ll be.

2012

October 17-19, Washington DC
October 20-21 Hartford, CT
October 26-28, Springfield, MA
November 2-4, Albany, NY
November 9-11, San Francisco, CA
November 14-15, Durham, SC
November 16-18, Austin, TX

November 22-24, Dallas, TX
November 25-30, Houston, TX
December 6-9 Seattle, WA

2013

January 25-27, Albany, NY
February 7-10, New Haven, CT
February 15-18, Washington, DC
March 1-3, Philadelphia, PA
April TBA, Toronto, ON
April 10-11, Knoxville, TN
April 18-21, San Francisco, CA
May 10-12, New York, NY
May 23-26, New Orleans, LA
June 14-16, Anchorage, AK
June 19-24, Baltimore, MD
July 17-21, Walton, WV
July 24-28, Albuquerque, NM
August 15-18, Oakland, CA
August 30-September 2, Baltimore, MD
September 11-15, Baltimore, MD
September 29, San Francisco, CA
October 25-27, Albany, NY
November 8-10, Albany, NY

I am looking to visit Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Jose, Sacremento, Reno, Carson City, Palo ALto, Chico, Chicago, New Orleans, Atlanta, Portland OR, Seattle, Vancouver BC, Portland ME, Boston, DC, Philadelphia, and wherever else y’all might want to bring me.

Are you in one of those cities? Do you want to do an event with me? I’m particularly looking for colleges and universities, but I am open to bookstores, sex toy stores, community centers, your living room for a house concert/performance, book groups … Email me, [email protected], and I’m glad to discuss options and compensation and possibilities.