Protected: Day After

Posted on March 16, 2011 in Kristen, omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: Kristen, omphaloskepsis | Tags: character study, couple's therapy, difficult emotions, emotional landscape, how I work in relationships, needing time and space, radical acceptance, rambling, relationships

What does ‘Genderqueer’ mean?

Posted on March 15, 2011 in guest posts, on butches | No Comments

On Gina Mamone’s mini-interview, a commenter named MS wrote: “Can you post a definition of or primer on what gender queer means?” Kyle Jones was kind enough to comment in reply and explain a bit, and I proceeded to ask him to write up his own primer on genderqueer. Here it is.

This is a guest post from Kyle Jones, Butchtastic.net

Genderqueer people, by definition, are united by their rejection of the notion that there are only two genders.

Beyond their rejection of the gender binary as the sole way to describe gender, there is much diversity within the group of people who call themselves ‘genderqueer’—it’s a catch-all term that includes sometimes contradictory identifications. For example, some genderqueers identify as neither male nor female, some as both male and female. Some see ‘genderqueer’ as a gender in and of itself, some may identify this way because they feel they are beyond gender—genderless or a-gender.

I led a discussion on genderqueer identity at Butch Voices Portland 2010 and almost everyone who attended came to this identity from a different place. There were those who described a fluidity of gender, a sense that they were a mixture of male and female. Some people wanted to move beyond the terms ‘male’ and ‘female’ entirely. They didn’t see genderqueer as being a region along the gender binary axis, instead many described it as independent of that spectrum. Based on the diversity of personal definitions expressed in that session, we started to talk about a gender cloud rather than a gender spectrum. Because ‘genderqueer’ is an umbrella term, to really know how an individual relates to it, you’ll need to know their personal definition of genderqueer.

The term “genderqueer” can also be used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity. And some genderqueer individuals also identify as transgender, because their gender identity does not completely correspond to their physical sex. Genderqueers may have any sexuality/sexual identity, any physical sex. There is also diversity in the way genderqueers relate to pronouns. Some prefer gender neutral pronouns such as ‘they’ or ‘them’ or the alternate forms “ze,” “per,” “sie” and “hir,” “zhe,” “hir.” And some prefer to stay with traditional male and female pronouns, though they may use them in less traditional ways. Other terms similar to genderqueer are genderfluid, gender-variant, bi-gender, third gender, two-spirit and gender non-conforming.

If you find all of this a bit confusing, you’re not alone. When I come out to people as genderqueer, I’m more surprised to find people who are familiar with the term than those who aren’t. And when I’m asked to define genderqueer, as I was for this article, I find it challenging, especially with people who aren’t comfortable or experienced in considering gender beyond male and female. In my experience, most of the world is still not ready to go beyond the gender binary. It takes a lot of work and effort to learn the new vocabulary and open your mind to alternative ways of seeing gender. One challenge I still have is trying to get my head around the idea of being ‘genderless’. I know that much of the way my brain has organized information about the world is still ruled by the existence of distinct genders.

As I mentioned, I identify as genderqueer. Butch describes my appearance, genderqueer describes my gender and queer describes my sexuality. My personal genderqueer definition is that I am not male or female, I am male and female. I have two distinct gender identities, each with a name, a set of pronouns and sexual preferences. Sometimes the distinction is obvious and sometimes more fluid and combined. One visualization I use is that of a tree with two trunks, each coming from the same root structure and base. My male and female identities have some shared history as well as some that is separate. As I visualize my ‘tree trunks’, they start together, then grow apart, come close again, intertwine and grow together, then diverge again as you look up the tree. My male side has a distinct personality, accent, sexual drive and issues. It has also been suppressed more, being less accepted by the outside world and, as a result, is the less developed and mature of my two identities. My female side, having had more time at the forefront, takes the lead in most situations, although my goal is to become more balanced.

You may be thinking, this person has multiple personality disorder. Though I’m not a professional, I know that’s not the case. I have multiple genders, which means I also identify as transgender, because the male side of me does not match my female body. I’ve had some awesome and unexpected experiences lately where strangers have seen my male side. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being recognized and acknowledged as male—something like a rush of adrenaline combined with a strong sexual charge—a big ol’ ego boner.

This is a frustration I share with other genderqueer and transgender people—the feeling of being partially invisible, of spending most of my days being partially unseen. I think we all share a common need to be seen and celebrated for who we truly are, and not just the easily understood fragments, but all our wonderful complexity.

This article is meant to be a starting point for people new to the term ‘genderqueer’, but it’s by no means the last word. If you’d like to learn more about variant gender identities, here are some excellent starting places:

List of blogs by Butch, Genderqueer and Trans authors on Butchtastic.net
Beyond the Check-boxes: Exploring Genderqueer Identity, hand-out for my session at Butch Voices Portland 2010.
Wikipedia: informative and non-judgmental articles on a wide variety of gender and identity topics:http://en.wikipedia.org. Source of some of the definitions above.
Transifesto, Trans-lations page: Matt Kailey’s list of terms used often on his blog, relating to sex and gender. Source of some of the definitions above.
Polygender.co.uk: resource pages with information on genderqueer and transsexual related topics.
Gender Queer. Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary, Joan Nestle, Clare Howell, Riki Wilchins (2002) Alyson Books, New York.
Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us 1994, Kate Bornstein
My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely 1997, Kate Bornstein
Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation, 2010, Edited by Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman

Kyle Jones runs Butchtastic.net and was interviewed on Butch Lab earlier this year.

No Comments | Category: guest posts, on butches | Tags: butch lab, genderqueer, kyle jones

Protected: Building & Rebuilding

Posted on March 15, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: a life together, alcohol, bourbon, building, couple's therapy, fighting, foundations, go here for the password: http://bit.ly/fcL4EP, I keep saying I'm going to write in the morning but I have so much to do these days I get distracted by other work, morning pages, relationships are hard, wine and beer and whiskey

The Next Porn Party: Artcore (for Free!) on March 23rd

Posted on March 15, 2011 in events | 5 Comments

The next Porn Party on Twitter will be March 23rd, 6pm PST / 9pm EST, and we’ll be watching Artcore through Hot Movies For Her.

This time, though, the Porn Party is extra special: Viewing Artcore during the Porn Party will be totally free. You don’t have to buy it or download it or purchase VOD minutes to watch it with us. You will need a HotMoviesForHer.com account, but we’ll have a special code that will enable you to watch this film during the party. More on that will be announced as soon as I have the details!

So all you have to do is:
1. Make a HotMoviesForHer.com account
2. Tune in on March 23rd at 6pm PST, 9pm EST with the code
3. Enjoy the film!
4. Bonus if you follow & contribute to the Twitter discussion with the hashtag #pornparty

I’m excited about this film, there are quite a few people in it that I’ve never seen in porn before, and a few I do recognize, like Courtney Trouble. She posted some notes on the filming including what it was like to be there and what they did. Check out some photos from the film on fattyd.com, where I also read that there’s an official release party 3/26/11 in LA.

And, to top it all off, Artcore is one of the 2011 Feminist Porn Award nominees! I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch all of them, but I’m going to try. Right now I count 18 that I’ve either seen or want to see, so perhaps I’ll concentrate on that list. There are quite a few I still need to review, too. I’ll get on that one of these days.

Meanwhile, hope you’ll join me for the next porn party. Here’s the official trailer and description to whet your palette further:

ARTCORE from cbattsfly on Vimeo.

ARTCORE

Director: Carlos Batts
Starring: April Flores, Kelly Shibari, Courtney Trouble, Drew Deveaux & Damali Dares
Approximate Running Time: 01:18

Get ready for the revolution of hardcore. Get ready for Artcore.

The latest erotic adventure from the mind of Carlos Batts, “Artcore” features his beautiful muse, April Flores, and documents a diverse range of sexual interests, from body image and gender identity to fetishes, rubber and role playing.

Playing with the ever evolving interest in sexuality in the media – movie stars playing adult stars, celebrity sex tapes, runway fetish shows and reality television – “Artcore” becomes a sinful digital mix tape blending music, mood and tempo to create a new approach to recording sex.

It’s April as you’ve never seen her before, showing off a mind-blowing display of versatility to match the explosive curves and deadly sex appeal we already know and love.

First she gets kinky with “The Hoodman”, indulging her dominant side with fabulous fetish wear and a high heel-clad foot job. An all-girl threesome with Courtney Trouble, Kelly Shibari, two Hitachis and an N-JOY dildo results in a multi-orgasmic, voluptuous extravaganza. They laugh, they cum and they make you want to cum with them.

Want more? In a bowler hat and drawn-on mustache, April is joined by queer porn heartthrob Drew Deveaux for a steamy gender bending romp. And then the nightcap. Hooking up for an after-hours interracial rendezvous, Damali and April have a lesbian BBW fling for the ages.

Featuring hot and heavy lesbians, dominance and submission and toys (but no boys), “Artcore” is Batts’ most erotic film to date, an aesthetically rewarding and unapologetically explicit homage to his Latin siren and the perfect playground for her fantasies – and yours.

Photo by Courtney Trouble

Follow @mrsexsmith, @fatty_d, @courtneytrouble, @drewdeveaux, @kellyshibari, and @hotmovies4her on Twitter. Thanks to JD over at Hot Movies For Her for helping to make this happen!

5 Comments | Category: events | Tags: artcore, feminist porn awards, free porn, I'd love to get to toronto for the fpa's but probably not this year, porn party, queer porn, the internet is for porn, twitter, who doesn't like free porn?

Protected: Dry March

Posted on March 11, 2011 in omphaloskepsis | Enter your password to view comments.

Enter your password to view comments. | Category: omphaloskepsis | Tags: abstaining vs moderating, aspiring gym bunny, character study, drinking, experimenting, fighting better, I mistyped "pot" as "poet" and that might even make more sense, relationships, weight

Friday Reads: Sub Rosa by Amber Dawn

Posted on March 4, 2011 in swag | 2 Comments

Written by Amber Dawn, a queer femme (among other signifiers—she says, “when I say “myself” I mean a queer, kinky, femme, survivor, Canadian small-town born, poor, sex-worker, feminist with a strong passion for experimental artwork and transgressive identity-based art making” in this interview with Shameless Magazine), Sub Rosa published by Arsenal Pulp Press in 2010 is a masterpiece I couldn’t put down.

It’s creepy and odd and confusing and strange, but touching and smart and beautifully crafted. Oh there were so many sentences that made me stop reading just to sigh at the beauty of their simple and elegant construction.

I read it in two days. It’s kind of hard to describe, since it has a bit of world-building and you just kinda have to dive into it in order to understand it. But that is the style of some of my very favorite books (The Sparrow, The Time Traveler’s Wife)—a book where the reality pretty much follows all the same rules as this one I live in, but there are a few key twists which make it able to better comment on the state of things. I love that.

Arsenal Pulp Press’s description is as follows:

Sub Rosa’s reluctant heroine is known as “Little,” a teenaged runaway unable to remember her real name; in her struggle to get by in the world, she stumbles upon an underground society of ghosts and magicians, missing girls and would-be johns: a place called Sub Rosa. Not long after she is initiated into this family of magical prostitutes, Little is called upon to lead Sub Rosa through a maze of feral darkness, both real and imagined―a calling burdened with grotesque enemies, strange allies, and memories from a foggy past.

So perhaps that will give you an idea. It’s creepy, don’t say I didn’t warn you, but it’s worth it. And Amber Dawn’s style is amazing, I will gladly pick up anything else she writes.

2 Comments | Category: swag | Tags: amber dawn, arsenal pulp press, books, my favorite kind of books, sub rosa, world-building

Miriam Zoila Perez: Mini-Interview

Posted on March 4, 2011 in on butches | No Comments

Editor at Feministing.com; Founder of Radicaldoula.com. www.miriamzperez.com

1. What is your relationship with the word or identity “butch?”

While I think there is a whole crew of people now who are reinventing what it means to be butch, I came up feeling afraid to claim it in case people decided I wasn’t butch “enough.” My butchness isn’t particularly tough, or hard. My masculinity is more akin to queer male masculinity–faggy butch, you might call it.

2. What kind of words and labels, if any, do you use to identify yourself?

I would identify with the label genderqueer before the label butch, although I like both.

3. What do you wish you could tell your younger self about sex, sexuality, or gender?

I wish I could tell my younger self not to be so self-conscious, not to care so much about other people’s judgments. There is room for all of us inside these labels, and the way we reinvent them is what keeps things interesting.

No Comments | Category: on butches | Tags: butch identity, butch lab, mini-interview, miriam zoila perez

What’s Happening in March

Posted on March 4, 2011 in events | 2 Comments

It’s March! And it’s almost spring! I’m hoping with that will come increasingly easy months of light and play, and less struggle and coldness, which the winter has been full of.

Here’s what’s happening this month.

Events with Mr. Sexsmith

Tuesday, March 8th, 8pm	Sideshow: The Queer Literary Carnival: Spring Fever with Arianne Benford, Beth Greenfield, Genne Murphy, and LOVE the Poet	at The Phoenix, 447 East 13th Street at Avenue A in New York City

Wednesday, March 23rd, 6pm PST / 9pm EST	Porn Party on Twitter featuring Artcore—for free! Click for more details	on Twitter

Saturday, March 22nd, 11am-5pm (1:15pm)	Rainbow Book Fair. I will be reading at 1:15 as part of the reading series. Description: “This is the largest LGBT book event in America, and it is free and open to the public. Be a part of the most exciting lgbt book event in the U.S. Join authors, poets, publishers, university presses, and the entire reading and writing community in this diverse spectacular of words, images, and talent. With the Center’s dramatic large 3rd floor exhibition space, additional rooms for panels, poetry readings, and author events, free books and hourly book giveaways, mingling, and meeting authors and readers like yourself.”	at The LGBT Center, 208 W 13th St, New York City

I’ll update this if any other events get added. I’m not doing a lot in March, but I have more things in progress and quite a few coming up in April and May. I’m hoping to get to Santa Cruz, California in May, and to Minneapolis, Minnesota in early April, and possibly Seattle in late April. If you are nearby one of these places, it might be possible for me to pop over and do a workshop for you, too. Or if you don’t live nearby, there’s still time to book one of my workshops about sex and gender in the coming year.

I’ve updated my 2011 workshop offerings in a PDF so it is easy to download. I incorporated many of the ideas you all suggested when I asked what workshops you’d like to see me teach, thank you for the feedback! (You can also download my one sheet PDF or high res photos in my press kit). Get in touch if you’re interested in booking me, you can contact me directly—mrsexsmith(at)gmail—or my booking company, PhinLi, at bookings(at)phinli.com.

Other Exciting Community Events


Monday, March 14th, 6:30pm	Juxtaposition: A Humorous Happy Hour	at Stonewall, New York City

Friday, March 18th, 8pm	Lesbian Sex Mafia presents: Hands-On Rope Body Harness Workshop with Midori. Body harnesses are fantastic for creating beautiful, effective, and sexy bondage for all types of bodies and many different sorts of scenes. You can use a harness for very secure rigging. Or you can make a pretty rope outfit. Create intense harnesses for pain sluts. How about sensual breast bondage? Well go through at least three different harnesses with plenty of time to practice. LSM member: $5; Non-members $10	at The LGBT Center, 208 W 13th St, New York City

That’s it for now; new events will be added as dates are announced. Hope to see you out & about in the queer, trans, and literary world in New York.

2 Comments | Category: events | Tags: book me, new york city, phinli

What A Lovely Way to Burn: Spring Fever at Sideshow

Posted on March 2, 2011 in events | No Comments

It isn’t quite spring here yet, but it’s getting close. The light is changing. The snow has been mostly washed away by the recent rains. I’m hoping by next week the light will be even higher in the sky and full-on spring fever will have sprung, just in time for this month’s Sideshow theme.

The sad news is that Fran Varian can’t make it up from Durham this time, but rest assured! She will be here to perform her kickass work another time. Meanwhile, you can learn more about Lyme disease and help heal Fran over at her website, and you can buy some of her books if you were dying to hear her work (and I know you were).

While Fran is a fan of the Peggy Lee version, I am really into Elvis lately, so here’s a little something to get you in the mood …

Join us at Sideshow on March 8th with readers Arianne Benford, Beth Greenfield, Genne Murphy, and LOVE the Poet.

Sideshow: The Queer Literary Carnival – Spring Fever
Hosted by Cheryl B. & Sinclair Sexsmith
Tuesday, March 8th @ The Phoenix
447 East 13th Street @ Avenue A
Doors, 7:30pm. Reading, 8pm
Free! (We’ll pass the hat for the readers)
RSVP on Facebook
See the bios for the readers.

No Comments | Category: events | Tags: events, I miss fran already, literary culture, new york city, places to meet hot queers in nyc, sideshow, spring fever, things to do to kill time

Still Time to Contribute to Symposium #2

Posted on March 2, 2011 in on butches | No Comments

Butch Lab’s Symposium #2 is in progress, and I have some great submissions so far! I’m compiling them this week, so if you can get them to me by Friday you will still be included. I hope you’ll consider contributing!

The topic for the second Butch Lab Symposium is Butch Stereotypes, Cliches, and Misconceptions.

Here’s the writing prompt:

What do people think “butch” means? What are the stereotypes around being butch? What do people assume is true about you [or the masculine of center folks in your life], but actually isn’t? What image or concept do you constantly have to correct or fight against? How do you feel about these misconceptions? How do you deal with them? Do you respond to these stereotypes or cliches? How?

The easiest way to get your post URL to me is by filling out this form on ButchLab.com. You can always email butchlabproject (at) gmail.com if you have problems, but the form is preferable.