There are so many labels I can attach to myself, and my life has been so dramatic that sometimes it feels unreal even to myself. I describe parts of it, and I am like drowning in the past.

I had some new friends over for dinner last night, and one asked about my history; as I told him about being raised in the Middle East by military parents turned academics and described the meaning/motivation behind my artwork, that feeling of being an outsider washed over me. It generally makes me feel ashamed and raw.

One of the ways in which I was an outsider within my family, was in my role as agitator and "pathological liar". I was the one cast out…the one that sucked up all the blame for my family's inability to nurture and love. The one who exaggerated our situation in order to garner attention. I can see myself recasting myself in this familiar role with friends and the rest of the world, and understand it intellectually, yet emotionally the role of outsider is deep in my bones.

I've been recognizing that even as someone who is often very reclusive, I do have a valuable role within my queer, kinky community…that I am perceived by many folks as being a vary important part of a community. I want to change my role within my community. I am no longer happy as the outsider, and need to find ways to value my colorful past, and my equally colorful present.

C'est la vie!

I'd also suggest the overall affect has more to do with puberty than anything else.

I was just conversing about this with a friend whose daughter appears to be an extrovert (as in the Jungian definition, not just "social") despite both parents preferring solo time.

As I pointed out, she's likely to flip, as so many children do, at puberty. Right NOW she prefers interacting with everyone she meets, engaging them in conversation, taking part in their activities, but once those hormones hit, suddenly she might become self conscious, moderate her actions in regards to her perceptions of various groups judgments regardless of how the individuals in the group feel.

Just as, well, pretty much 100% of people who have gone before her! ;-)

On a bit of an aside (although I'm rushed for time here so excuse me if this makes limited sense), a period of time I dated someone of mixed race, with significant African American background. It was interesting to see perspectives of things that were perceived as racist or prejudiced, because of identifying as a minority, rather than actually BEING such.

Not to trot out tripe pop-psych BS, but a Dr. Philism that proves true, people respond to how we behave and present. When you behave as an outsider, specifically enhancing those attributes of your relationship with another, they will react to you as an outsider, whether you are or aren't!

This is one of the first things TGs and TVs learn for public acceptance. Don't worry about passing because in so doing you won't pass because your worry will show. Instead, regardless how you look or feel you present, believe in your role and you'll be accepted as such.

So I'm afraid I still disagree that "some subcultures" enhance and encourage this in a "some subculture" definition, if that makes sense. I agree that some cultures (for example, some regions of the country are more stereotypically less accepting of homosexual relationships than others) and that may carry over into different individual groups.

But it doesn't seem to me to be an attribute of certain subcultures. Either way, it does seem to be something more impacted by personal growth to me…

Does that make sense? Am I just being naïve?

"[I would also add that it's a bit unfair to cite Christianity as a vehicle for self-hatred above any other organized religion or belief system. Christians can teach their kids to love themselves as well as Jews, Atheists and Pagans, and they can teach their children self-hate as well any other group of people.]"

…but much of the rest of what you said also really resonated with me. Thank you, again.

As an aside, Sinclair, I did grow up "indoctrinated" into Christianity, in a feminist, non-self-hating household. I think of my Christianity as central to my desire not to "other" others, in fact — core not only to my own civil rights struggles but to the need to stand with people whose civil rights struggles are not mine. I understand that others were not as lucky as I was, in the form or content of their "indoctrinations," but I was jarred to read that part of your post.

It's the nature of our minds, language, and society at large.

The beauty is when you realize that EVERYONE is an "outsider", IE, we all belong and are included in the same group.

That's what makes us beautiful, our uniqueness, our special perspectives, our differing contributions.

Thankfully, there are plenty of people open minded enough to appreciate even the most unusual, non-group-thing, variety of expressions.

From what I've experienced of course…