I really, really disagree with the people that suggest that you either aren’t compatible (and therefore should break up) or that you need to heal yourself before you can have a good relationship (and therefore should break up).

For one thing, what IS compatibility anyway? My own musings have led me to this conclusion: for some people, love is simple. And if two people for whom love is simple find each other and have a peaceful, loving, conflict-free relationship (I know some of them! Really!), then that’s fantastic. I’ve wasted way too much time thinking that THAT’S what I need to find: a conflict-free relationship, a relationship that does nothing but make me feel happy and safe. And I’ve finally come to realize that that’s just not the kind of relationship I can have, or even want to have. Love, to me, isn’t simple, and compatibility has MUCH more to do with commitment to hear each other and support each other than it has to do with somehow “matching” in specifics. I’m a complicated person, I’m highly analytical, and I’m very self-aware, which means that any relationship will challenge me and make me think and push some buttons. It’s just the way my successful, healthy relationships are.

And second of all, it’s exactly that kind of conflict that BUILDS my relationships. I can’t do all of the healing by myself, as one commenter suggests, because many of my triggers don’t surface until I’m in a relationship. And if we were to break up, the triggers would go away and so always would the opportunity to heal from them. The notion that we can only be good partners if we’re somehow whole, pre-healed, a pretty package with a perfectly tied bow … that’s just nonsense. I’m sorry, but it’s nonsense. Yes, it is my responsibility to do the healing work myself, but I will *always* be doing healing work, for the rest of my life, and my partner will support me through it (NOT do it for me, but she will support me) and there WILL be tension, and panic, and fear, and withdrawing, and accusation, and all of that nasty stuff, but it’s the nasty stuff that helps us realize where our deepest injuries are, and that’s when we can begin to heal those wounds. And most of all have forgiveness towards each other and ourselves for the fact that we’re imperfect.

And based on everything you’ve written, you and Kristen HAVE that. You have it times 1000.

I think pocketfemme has it right … and I LOVE how she talks about owning the fear. You don’t have to shoo it away, but just recognize where it’s coming from, take a moment to step outside of yourself and recognize that it’s not coming from the other person and her intentions, but it’s coming from YOU, and then you can just sit with it and own it. And talk about it when you’re ready. Everything she said I was like “YES, THAT.” So, what she said :)

Great post!

But a lot of the best way I try to handle things are exactly as you laid out. First, recognizing that my reaction is not as much about her, and what is currently going on, but what has happened in the past. Then, working through what the issue was in the past, how that is both similar and different from what is happening now, and with talking to her about it. Then, actually addressing the situation as it stands now, and focusing on that though recognizing that I may still have lingering associations from the previous experiences. But most imporantly, and finally, I talk to her about it. I tell her if something bothers me, and why.

The best way I’ve found to be aware of my own triggers is to continually go through what they are, and which ones are no longer there. Knowing which ones I know longer have also really helps to know what I’ve healed, and what is left to heal.

But even though we could articulate what was going on, it took a minute (a very scary minute, for both of us) to figure out what to do about it. I don’t really know what mental process my girlfriend uses now to let go of her old wounds, because she shares stuff like that in bursts and in her own time. I really relate to your struggle, though, with constantly analyzing my own and others’ emotional landscapes. As soon as something happens, I’ve already looked at it in three different ways, gauged my reaction, tied it to my past, and want to talk about it. It became clear to me that this was not a way to proceed with a girlfriend who is incredibly insightful, but takes much longer to put her thoughts and feelings together. It also occurred to me that wanting to hash stuff out immediately is a defense mechanism in itself–it gave me intellectual control over the situation, it removed me.

So I just stopped. I started silently recognizing triggers and then immediately focusing on grounding myself instead of “fixing” the situation. I breathe; I feel the pain in my chest, the bristling of my spine, the twitch of my eyes that accompany feeling threatened. I breathe again. I ask myself her intention, and it’s never what I’m afraid of. That doesn’t make it stop hurting, really, but it puts me in a different mindset–I’m able to own my fear. It makes me feel open and vulnerable.

Something shifted in my girlfriend around the same time, which I am so grateful for, and we both started dealing with things differently. When something happens, we take a minute to not talk or we change the subject. One of us may acknowledge what’s happening, but briefly and broadly–like “Hey, look, we could totally get in a fight here. This area is tender.” We nod. We shut the hell up, lest we dive into super-emotional waters. We make a point to touch– like a hug, or a long and soft kiss, or a hand in hair. Yesterday we got through a tense moment that months ago would have gone south, and afterward we actually high-fived each other. File that under both cheesy and awesome.

And I’ll tell you what, this shit is working. For the last couple of months, instead of doing the stupid trigger dance, we’ve gotten closer. It’s like when I’m feeling threatened, for instance, I’m able to just feel the old hurt without reviving it, and she’s there touching me, witnessing my moment. The mindfulness and steps you laid out resonate strongly with me. They have made my relationship deeper and more peaceful, for sure. And really, you’re already doing with Kristen the number one thing that has made my relationship work so far–you look at your relationship as an art, and you keep striving to get better. That’s the mindset that allows for real growth and connection, at least in my experience. Thanks again for sharing this, and sorry for the super long ramble.

Here’s a NYT review of it:
http://www.nytimes.com/1993/02/14/books/loss-is-the-measure-of-love.html?pagewanted=1

Like, one time: my boyfriend teasingly threatened to walk out of our apartment, saying ‘well I’ll just go if you don’t like me’. He was very much joking, but it triggered echoes of my mother’s neglect/ abuse and I freaked the hell out.

When I explained that, he sounded put off – asking if now he couldn’t joke around? I felt weird about it, like my freakout was unjustified and I ought to be a Big Girl and get over it. Or something.

What helped was talking him through my triggered memories, ’til he saw how much I’d been hurt by emotional manipulation and abandonment. Then we deconstructed his joking words & intent, and I walked myself through the situation rationally. It was /hard/, really really hard, to forge new logic pathways with my triggers on high alert.

I think mindfulness is most important. That, and being very very gentle as I re-interpret triggering situations. Sometimes I talk to myself like to a scared 5yr old, with small words and simple connections- those are easiest to process when I’m freaked out of my skull..

Then a recurring theme of these posts is the height of emotion you are reaching… WAY before that point is when you need to become conscious–to get your head before your heart.

Meditation is a great mechanism to accomplish that. You can minimize the hormones (adrenaline) that cause your panic.

I was with someone who was emotionally unaware, but I could see her distress. I’d point out to her that she was feeling something. She had NO idea what it was. She’d have to think about it, explore it, and then she wouldn’t necessarily have the words to express it even hours later.

However, practicing that, years later now she is very expressive and more self aware.

So perhaps turn your innate ability to feel another’s emotional state upon yourself? Notice not when you’ve gotten to critical, but when the seed has barely been sown.

I know this has gotten preachy, but I’m even going to go a step further. It’s doing your current partner and yourself a severe disservice, some might even say it’s disrespectful, to carry unhealed past hurts forward to afflict them.

If you REALLY want to have a healthy relationship, split now, heal yourself and become emotionally healthy and a complete person, THEN enter the relationship responsibly.

The obvious problem with that is the bitter pill and temporary hurt now to reap the wonderful rewards later…

Or, on a more visual level, I try to personify my fears, try to turn them into horror movie characters and then recruit them to work for Me, Inc. (because, really, is there anything less terrifying than working in an office? Soul-deadening, yes but gut-churning, no) They get a keycard laminant, a breakroom with a microwave and new fears get the office tour from old fears that I’ve long since broken in. Sounds bizarre but it helps me to put everything where I can see it.

Example:
I’m a straight girl, and my first several boyfriends later came out as gay men. So whenever a later partner would turn down my sexual advances, I would immediately make that mean that he was gay/not attracted to me/thought I was too forward or too sexual (ie, all things those first few partners had told me). But in reality, all that had happened was a current partner turned down my offer for sex that night. So now I can make it mean that I just have a rockstar super-high sex drive and it’s time for solo fun, or that it’s a good night for both of us to get some sleep. Those are meanings and explanations I enjoy; they’re stories about a “no thank you” that empower me.