Comments on: Consent Obsession http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/ The sex, gender, and relationship adventures of a kinky queer butch top Thu, 09 Feb 2012 16:09:45 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: grrlchef http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10850 grrlchef Mon, 01 Mar 2010 05:59:34 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10850 I found your initial comment about consent fascinating. As someone who was always terrified of breaking the rules or social consideration I recently did it more than once in public. Yes, if someone had stumbled upon us I would have been mortified (which is why I had never done it before). Hard to get off in that situation, but still thrilling for what it is. Second, consent in a sexual dynamic (which is where I thought you were headed) I had said girl tell me that a lot of women like to be topped, or dominated sexually so they dont have to constantly ask for what they want. I am always bashful about assuming what a girl likes, and so more often than not I am accused of being a "faux" top. (this happens a lot) Presenting as a tomboyish femme. Is it just courage, permission, consent? Is there a way around that when you are getting to know someone intimately? Im not afraid to take charge, Im afraid of being rude or presumptuous. I found your initial comment about consent fascinating. As someone who was always terrified of breaking the rules or social consideration I recently did it more than once in public. Yes, if someone had stumbled upon us I would have been mortified (which is why I had never done it before). Hard to get off in that situation, but still thrilling for what it is. Second, consent in a sexual dynamic (which is where I thought you were headed) I had said girl tell me that a lot of women like to be topped, or dominated sexually so they dont have to constantly ask for what they want. I am always bashful about assuming what a girl likes, and so more often than not I am accused of being a “faux” top. (this happens a lot) Presenting as a tomboyish femme. Is it just courage, permission, consent? Is there a way around that when you are getting to know someone intimately? Im not afraid to take charge, Im afraid of being rude or presumptuous.

]]> By: Inferno http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10811 Inferno Wed, 17 Feb 2010 02:49:55 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10811 I think your “consent obsession” is a good thing. To many people push their own want, desires, ways into other peoples lives. You are being considerate by keeping it down. My wife and I went out last week with some friends and at a very chill bar watched a couple grope eachother to the point of dry humping. Very rude and annoying. We didn't want to watch and they made many people in the bar uncomfortable. Public display at the wrong time and the wrong place. Our friends (3 women and 2 men) all did not dig the show. Our friends and ourselves are all pretty active swingers. (out swingers) My wife is very much a show off. At a club or a different bar even (different crowd) would have thought nothing of such behavior in others or herself. 7 people who in other circumstances love to party like the roman myths all were annoyed at a public display of affection. Consent - verbal or implied is very important when we as people act out around others. I wish more people had your “consent obsession” I think your “consent obsession” is a good thing. To many people push their own want, desires, ways into other peoples lives.

You are being considerate by keeping it down.

My wife and I went out last week with some friends and at a very chill bar watched a couple grope eachother to the point of dry humping.

Very rude and annoying.

We didn't want to watch and they made many people in the bar uncomfortable. Public display at the wrong time and the wrong place.

Our friends (3 women and 2 men) all did not dig the show.

Our friends and ourselves are all pretty active swingers. (out swingers)

My wife is very much a show off. At a club or a different bar even (different crowd) would have thought nothing of such behavior in others or herself.

7 people who in other circumstances love to party like the roman myths all were annoyed at a public display of affection.

Consent – verbal or implied is very important when we as people act out around others.

I wish more people had your “consent obsession”

]]> By: Bond http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10806 Bond Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:33:02 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10806 When it comes to stuff the about strangers seeing/hearing... I think your impulses really are simply polite and considerate. It <i>is</i> rude to have sex where unsuspecting strangers are likely to stumble, and while roommates of course expect to overhear some sex, it <i>is</i> rude to have unreasonably loud sex when they're nearby, and polite to consider them (especially if they might be trying to sleep — are you reading this, roommate of mine?). Anyway, very interesting post as always. When it comes to stuff the about strangers seeing/hearing… I think your impulses really are simply polite and considerate. It is rude to have sex where unsuspecting strangers are likely to stumble, and while roommates of course expect to overhear some sex, it is rude to have unreasonably loud sex when they’re nearby, and polite to consider them (especially if they might be trying to sleep — are you reading this, roommate of mine?).

Anyway, very interesting post as always.

]]> By: Randy http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10804 Randy Mon, 15 Feb 2010 23:17:18 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10804 I think your final paragraph might be the most telling? Control. Anyways, I'm reminded of an anecdote about a couple staying in a hotel. They heard a familiar rhythmic squeak, squeak, squeak of bed springs presumably from the room next door. They mentioned how it sounded like whomever there was having fun. Their talk got them around to having some of their own fun. Afterward they realized they could still hear the sound, was it round two? Were they still going? Regardless they fell asleep only to awake in the morning to...you guessed it, round what-number-was-this? They loaded up their car and the husband was curious enough to go back in down the hallway in the other direction beyond the neighboring room. He found the source of the erotic stimulation...an ice machine was producing the regular noise! I think your final paragraph might be the most telling? Control.

Anyways, I’m reminded of an anecdote about a couple staying in a hotel. They heard a familiar rhythmic squeak, squeak, squeak of bed springs presumably from the room next door.

They mentioned how it sounded like whomever there was having fun. Their talk got them around to having some of their own fun. Afterward they realized they could still hear the sound, was it round two? Were they still going?

Regardless they fell asleep only to awake in the morning to…you guessed it, round what-number-was-this?

They loaded up their car and the husband was curious enough to go back in down the hallway in the other direction beyond the neighboring room. He found the source of the erotic stimulation…an ice machine was producing the regular noise!

]]> By: Adisson http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10803 Adisson Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:53:33 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10803 Wow, Sinclair. Thanks for posting this. As someone else who has a bit of a consent obsession (I'm constantly shushing the beau because I'm in a first floor apartment right next to a study room-- not good for kinky sex at all!), your teasing out of the forces and interests at work in your own life is really illuminating to some of my own forces and interests. I think a lot of this does have to do with control, but I think, especially with the apartment bit, there's still a bit of sex shame stigma that we have to shake off (enough s's there?) regardless of how we frame it-- either as "they aren't consenting" or in my case "I really don't want my housemates to know how much amazing sex I'm having and with whom". I'll be interested to see how this shifts as you (and I in my own life) become more fully aware of it and find new ways to address the issues at hand. ^_^;; -A Wow, Sinclair. Thanks for posting this. As someone else who has a bit of a consent obsession (I'm constantly shushing the beau because I'm in a first floor apartment right next to a study room– not good for kinky sex at all!), your teasing out of the forces and interests at work in your own life is really illuminating to some of my own forces and interests. I think a lot of this does have to do with control, but I think, especially with the apartment bit, there's still a bit of sex shame stigma that we have to shake off (enough s's there?) regardless of how we frame it– either as "they aren't consenting" or in my case "I really don't want my housemates to know how much amazing sex I'm having and with whom". I'll be interested to see how this shifts as you (and I in my own life) become more fully aware of it and find new ways to address the issues at hand. ^_^;;

-A

]]> By: nadia http://www.sugarbutch.net/2010/02/consent-obsession/comment-page-1/#comment-10802 nadia Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:32:28 +0000 http://www.sugarbutch.net/?p=4383#comment-10802 you are fantastically (over)articulate and I'm looking forward to LSM this friday! you are fantastically (over)articulate and I'm looking forward to LSM this friday!

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