I agree with Kissiah Aiken on this. These aren't classic problems with masculinity; these are classic stereotypes of masculinity. I identify as a billion times more masculine than my partner, but I'm the one always trying to get "feelings talks" out of her.

I think it is a mistake to say that it is inherently masculine to keep your feelings inside. It is true that there are some expectations: men are supposed to be strong and stoic, but so are women. The term "hysterectomy" comes from the idea that female reproductive organs cause hysteria.

I think we need to look at the type of emotions we're talking about. In pop culture, "Masculine emotion" could describe Howard Dean's enthusiastic yell, Kanye West's anger, Alec Baldwin's outburst to his child, Glenn Beck's crocodile tears, Danny Tanner's heart-to-hearts and everything in between. On The Biggest Loser, men cry all the freaking time. Men cry more than women. The female contestants are the ones always trying to hold in their emotions while the men blow up or pity themselves all day long. Anyone who's been to a church in the South knows that the most macho men still wear their hearts on their sleeves.

There is a double standard: if women show emotion, they're weak. If men show emotion, they're evolved. When Hillary Clinton's voice cracked days before the New Hampshire primary, the media covered it as if she had rained tears all over New England in a crazy-lady meltdown. But Glenn Beck crying every other night on his show is just a testimony to how much he loves America.

I don't mean to be critical, but your use of these stereotypes as if they are culturally accurate make me wonder how much of your study of masculinity is based on real-life experience, and how much is purely academic with flawed pretenses. I totally respect your journey and your sharing about this subject, but if I read a piece about femininity that employed the kinds of generalizations you've employed about masculinity, I would be exceptionally offended.

My advice about the emotions is the same for those who identify as masculine, feminine, both, or neither: find balance. Feel your emotions, but don't drown in them. Process, but don't overthink. Get advice when you need it, but don't forget that your friends have lives and needs, too. Every so often, step back and ask yourself, "Do I really care about this? That fuckin much?" and keep things in perspective. Good luck!

I am currently dating a young butch, one who came to her butchness after meeting me. The thing is…I'm usually never attracted to non-butch people but with her I had such a clear vision of her eventual butchness that I felt a strong pull to help her find that inner sense of being. I've never dated anyone with the idea of changing them, and in her case it's more a matter of wanting to watch the process of her growing into herself. At times it's been hard, for me and especially for her, as any process of evolution is.

Qualities I would like to see more masculine people embody as they mature are a more actualized masculinity, a comfort in the self that only comes with reflection and time. The most attractive thing I can see is knowing yourself and your masculine identity well enough to understand your flaws and play to your strengths. There is a gentleness and a caring and an ability to tend to your own needs well, and to the needs of your loved ones.

As a femme, I don't know if I'm phrasing this well, or in the right terms, but I've tried to be respectful of all parties and views, so I hope I've succeeded.

yes, yes, yes. i suppose by now you know i am a vocal advocate of shades of grey, and of moderation. so, with this as with most things, i think it is preposterous to assume it is *inherently* bad (or good). of course, containing your emotions (usually in the case of "too much," though perhaps also simply doing it badly) can have negative effects – we've all heard a lot about that. of course, it can also have positive effects – which we could use to hear more about, perhaps. as well as about the *how* of it – it is the details that take something into the realm of positive or negative.

"What changed for you when you grew up?"

my gender! that is, i typically refer to my childhood self as a boy. and i think i was a boy right up until i was a woman. that is directly related to my feeling that butch is an adult gender, and i never did (nor, i think, could) embody my masculinity in an adult way. what i mean by that is the hard part, though – here's hoping i have some time to delve into it later.

All of this is to say, my masculinity is a part, an ingredient, to who I am, and the more I learn and allow myself to be who I am the more I am allowed to grow, which, by default allows my masculinity to grow.

This is all jumbled up. I have more to say on this and will attempt to do so more coherently (not easy for me) , and I will either discuss this more with just you or potentially post something.

Awesome post, and really important food for thought. I sure hope folks are really taking a look at these posts. Also the posts on masculinity over at carnal nation. Good stuff, buddy.

I do love the Q&A portion of this post! I only have answers to two of your questions but here goes!

What has your experience been with “grown up” masculinity vs a younger masculinity?

I have had a love/hate relationship with female masculinity. As a femme who gravitates toward more masculine women, younger butches are reckless and unstable to say the least. I find that the more mature a woman is, the better I can relate to them. But…young ones are a BIG no-no for me.

What is different? What evolves, if anything?

I'm not 100% sure on this, but I can see a person's attitude evolve. Not quite spectrum banging (new vocab word!), but they begin to think before acting and…considering how their actions affect others.

What kinds of qualities would you like to see masculine folks embody as we get older?

Mmmm…I'm not quite sure what I would like to see but I know what I don't want to see. Everyone is different. But a 40 year old woman being immature is always scary!

I truly wish more masculine women were as aware of their identities.