Now, it would have been nice to come with one factory-installed, but more for the basic feeling of comfort in my own skin. I’d like to use it for its more…mundane…purpose, and am not especially interested in it as a phallic, penetrating tool, though I’m not averse to the idea either. I just don’t think I’d ever want to use a penetrating toy on someone else.

Nor am I interested in other people’s toys being used on me, because I’m just not psychologically aroused by the whole phallic/penetration thing from either side – I like interacting with my partner’s cock because it smells nice, does cool things and makes him feel good.

Cock-centricity as being not necessarily trans is a rather affirming statement for my identity. I’ve often struggled with whether or not my gender identity is more aligned with trans, butch, or something else, or if I will eventually transition. One central theme of that has been exactly what you describe as being cock-centricity. I think I feel somewhat as April does, in that I often fear it may be a signifier of an identity other than butch (i.e., trans). Further, I struggle with my own cock-centricity as being shameful in some way.

When I pack, get a blow job or fuck with a cock and get off, I feel much ambivalence. On one hand, it feels great, and I feel confident and affirmed in my identity; however, many times I am also ashamed for feeling that way. This post has been so meaningful in, from my perspective, legitimizing all of parts of my own sexual and gender identities, in a world that breaks it down daily. Reading the words – particularly the words of another butch – that are very aligned with feelings I’ve always had difficulty expressing verbally has given me a new and positive way to think about those feelings – including the shame. Thank you so much for your insight.

I actually do think that is totally different. Feeling like your body is already and always has been male (i.e. having a male brain-sex which gives you the experience of having male-assigned parts, which doesn’t conform to what you see when you look at your body) is really different than experience your body as female and wishing it were male. I think that varioius trans and non-trans people have both those sets of experiences, but acknowledging the difference seems important.

And you make a good point about cock-centricity. In my case, it’s definitely reciprocal; being with a woman who wants to get fucked by my cock equally as intensely as I want to fuck her with my cock is imperative. This give-and-take arrangement is powerful and absolutely essential to the health of my sex life. To bring it full circle to the issue of gender, I liken it to what it does for my butch identity to be with a femme; her feminine qualities just draw out my masculinity, and vice versa.

Hopefully that makes sense, because I’m now realizing that I really need to get some sleep.

You’ve defined butch/femme, and even male/female, to varying degrees. But I’m still a little fuzzy on this: what, to you, are “masculine” and “feminine”?

Thank you for having these conversations at the best level and with the most productivity I’ve seen anywhere…

april – I have definitely asked myself whether I was trans, both in the context of loving having my own cock and in other masculinity things. And I think it’s perfectly fine to ask the question, perfectly fine to question it, to really ask, to really give it some equal consideration, but it’s also fine to come to the conclusion that no, I’m not trans, or I don’t know, maybe someday I’ll want to do more to alter my body to be masculine, but not immediately, I’m good where I’m at for the time being. So asking the question is good and important – but if both options are not adequate answers, it’s not really a fair question to begin with.

radicalyffe – I need more femme faggy trans boys like you in my life. Thanks for that comment, and for that perspective on gender, and more cock-centricty … this stuff is complicated, but I’ll admit, I love it. I definitely agree that “trans” is not this singular, monolithic way of being, and the more I feel like there’s room for that, the more I feel like there’s room for *me* under the trans umbrella. I do identify as trans to some degree, but I don’t usually state it publicly unless I can back it up with my understanding of what that means – I guess it’s more complicated than just claiming the label. Ah, isn’t it always.

I love your blog, and I’m delurking cos I really love what you say in this post.

I hate it when people expect that trans is this one monolithic way of being, and that being a lesbian or butch is totally different, or its a ‘spectrum’ with feminine straight woman at one end, and masculine straight trans man at the other end.

I’m one of those femme, fagtastic tranny boys who is not quite ‘really trans’ enough for even other trans folk to always respect my pronouns.

Anyway, because I have little attraction to packing anything that looks realistic, and like my dildo’s to come in colours like ‘raspberry’ and ‘midnight swirl’, I’ve had to really reconsider what being ‘trans’ is to me. Also, I’m an activist, which means I have a constant stream of gender questioners asking me if I think they are ‘really trans’ and how can one tell if they are ‘really a man inside’? Epic questions that I honestly can’t answer.

In the end, I tell people that instead of focussing on how well they match a check list of things that they think describe trans men, why not think instead about *what they want their body to look like, and feel like*?
Then they can work on that, whether that means getting a gym membership, top surgery, hormones, or phalloplasty. It might even mean none of those things, and just buying some new clothes, a binder or a packer. They can figure out what words they need to use to explain, or accomplish those tasks later.

We only live once, and figuring out if one is ‘really trans’ or ‘really a man’ is hard work, and often takes a lot more time than figuring out whether or not one wants top surgery. I understand people’s need for self definition, but I also think that there’s a lot of detritus floating around about what you have to ‘feel’ to be a ‘real trans’.

Epic example: Drunken lesbian telling me that she’s not trans because she’s not a ‘man trapped in a woman’s body’, she’s a woman who really wishes she had a mans body. Like thats totally different!