i feel absolutely the same way =)

When the fucking is about me and my orgasm, I feel my own vulnerability. It's really easy to get caught up in my head: Am I taking too long? Am I too much work? Is his arm getting tired? What are those noises he's making? Is he turned on or is he getting a cramp? Am I making weird faces? Jesus, I'm really taking a long time…

I think the moment of orgasm is a wholly selfish one for most people (everyone?), no matter how one is getting off. Those last few thrusts, squeezes, breaths leading up to climax are not about anything but by-god getting there. Isn't it impossible to think about anything else just then?

I know that nothing I say is going to magically change how you feel, but I will tell you that when my partner comes inside me, it is such an incredible, intense turn-on for me that there is no way I'm ever going to be lying there annoyed and disconnected. I have just worked really hard to get him to this point, and his orgasm is my reward.

I've had some of that same fear before, the mid-sex "Am I really that asshole?" You know, the insensitive guy we all mock because he was GOOD, and he's sure he just gave his partner earth-shaking pleasure. Thankfully, I've had supportive partners who assure me otherwise.

I have a hard time letting go because I feel like biologically, I *was* made to do this. As much as I feel that my femme partners are made to take me in, I feel like I'm made to penetrate, to give (and take). My obstacle is the fact that I can't do that on my own anatomically, and I can't feel what I want to feel. I have the best imagination in the world and can still get off on knowing that I'm there at her very core, but god – what I wouldn't give to have it be me physically.

I am a femme who craves gender play, I dream about meeting a butch who can channel her desire through her cock the way you describe, but I am shy about asking for it. I fear wanting too much, that it will be too much to ask for the kind of vulnerability involved in going outside of the body, imbibing a new appendage with as much of one's life force as it takes to feel with it, to come through it.

And I know what that feels like, because my most recent relationship was with another femme who asked it of me, and to whom I gave it gladly. I had never worn a harness before I met her, but I learned quite by accident to come inside of her, and I was both so fiercely proud and delighted – and terrified, as you say in this brave and lovely post, of hurting her, breaking the connection between us, feeling too intensely with a borrowed body. Of being laughable in that abandon, especially since I'm not butch, except in those moments. It was a beautiful thing, though, and I hope to find it again someday.

Vulnerability is the key piece here. And while it's not specific to the sex act, it does become most visible/palpable during sex (plus there is undoubtably a strap-on factor that's additive for you). I'd say that your core self feels that control and seperateness is the only way to survive (and btw my core self agrees with that assessment). And so ultimately we're stuck with this instinct and desire for connection, that is simultaneously muted by fear. It's a bitch.

Personally I'm beginning to think that I may want more than to simply survive/exist, I may want to flourish, but that's gonna take opening myself up to to new territory and feeling exposed for a while.