Her dirty talk got me off. Twice.

“So,” Kristen said, arms around my neck, looking up from under me, my legs between hers but bent and wrapped around each other, both of us naked, skin to skin, sheened with sweat and still a little bit out of breath. “I guess we figured out what gets you off.”

Not that I – and she – and, let’s be honest, the entire fucking internet – didn’t already know what I like: blow jobs, strapping on, fingering a girl until I make her squirt. But this was different: I came twice in the few recent hours we’d been fucking. Probably mostly thanks to what Kristen was saying.

We’d talked about it the day before. “I want to be used,” she’d said. “Just … fucked with no regard for my pleasure.”

And so I did. And we liked it, a lot, both of us.

“Fuck my hole,” she whispered, “take me, fuck me hard, pound your big cock in me deep. I’m your slutty little girl.”

Just typing that makes my knees go a little weak. Why does that turn me on so goddamn much? Makes my head spin. I feel guilty for it, really, somewhere, just a little, a small piece of me that fears that treating a beautiful, smart, strong woman like that – objectifying, humiliating – is bad and wrong. I know fantasies and role play are so much more complicated than that, that the problematic power play and gender play that we oversexualize for pleasure is just that – oversexualized – in a very specific context, and it doesn’t mean I would ever do those things outside of that context. In fact, the context is what makes them hot at all – the consent – the way she asked for it, explicitly and specifically.

I’ve known this is what deeply gets me off. This isn’t new. I discovered that I could come while strapped on and fucking with Callie, and this is precisely what we used to play with, precisely the language we used, precisely the kind of thing she wanted. I had trouble with it, sometimes, partially because I wasn’t sure I could trust her (go figure) and because of how she demanded it, and that if I didn’t deliver correctly there were consequences.

So this kind of play does open me up in sensitive places, triggers me a little bit, pulls on old wounds of trauma.

I’ve known how much these concepts, this play, turns me on, but I haven’t really brought it up with Kristen before. Well – no, that’s not entirely true. We’ve been building to this, been learning each other and building trust and playing with consent and dirty talk and power play. We’ve been building to this, and it’s of course I wouldn’t have come to her on the first date – or in the first month! The first three months! – and say, I want to take you down like this. I want to fuck you until I get off and disregard what you feel, whether you like it or not. I wouldn’t say that! Even now, I have trouble writing it out – it’s more complicated than that being what I want, what I crave, because while it is, I just can’t get there to do that until I know for certain that my respect and honor for her are in place – and that I know she knows that, too. That I know some of her history and why she craves to be degraded in these ways. I need the trust to be there, and a deeply feminist understanding of sex and power play such that the issues of consent and degradation are clear, understood between us, and ultimately irrelevant to the way we play.

So I didn’t say it first. Honestly, it never occurred to me to this extent – if it had, I might’ve brought it up. We have played with elements of this, but nothing quite so specific or elaborate as we did yesterday. But I so needed that extra little piece of consent, that explicit permission which came from her – so I know I didn’t coerce her into it – that says take me. Overpower me. Use me.

We talked about this a bit recently – I wrote about it – about how hard it was for me to get off and how much she wants – we both want – me to get off more, and one of my major conclusions in exploring that has been that I pay so much attention to her, how she feels, what I can read from her tones and moans and body language, that I forget to pay attention to myself. It’s a strength of mine, to be observant, thoughtful, to pay attention to the person I’m with, I think it makes me a good lover and friend, but it doesn’t always serve me well: I loose myself sometimes, in ways even that I don’t always recognize at the time.

(I wonder how this relates to my history with Callie too, the ways I lost myself so totally and terribly with her. Maybe my getting off (easily) with her wasn’t actually deep connection with myself – or perhaps that’s unfair, since honestly that’s precisely the benefit that I took from that relationship: knowing that I needed to learn to deeply trust myself. But maybe the ways I came with her were about something else. Regardless, whatever connection to myself I began culminating with her was so challenging to keep while dealing with her neuroses and insecurities.)

And that’s precisely what Kristen brought up when we talked about it later: it makes sense that it is a big relief, and release, for me, when I stop doing that. When I no longer put someone else’s needs above my own, and in fact allow myself to override theirs with mine. I never do that, sometimes to my own determent. So being able – and being asked explicitly – to do that sexually is a huge, huge turn-on.

What I’m trying to say is, Kristen & I opened up something deep and wounded and complicated and beautiful and fucking powerful yesterday evening. It brings up guilt, it triggers some old wounds, brings some of my issues of overattentiveness to the surface, and makes me feel so strong and powerful, like the king of the world.

I know you want to know more about what it was we actually were saying, those dirty, filthy things that got me to come inside her twice while strapped on, during a blow job, during a punishment spanking for her being such a dirty girl, during some intense fucking with her ass in my hands and her legs in the air. It’s taken me all day to get through this, unfortunately, so I’ll have to write up the dialogue tonight and get it to you tomorrow.

Did I mention how much I am just totally loving my life? I can’t believe what an amazingly dirty filthy sexy hot freak I’ve found. And? She likes me as much as I like her. Grateful, grateful, grateful.

On Butch Eyebrows: waxed or natural?

That’s the question I posed to the hive mind an hour ago. And like all terribly important dilemma questions, I got a slew of responses:

eyebrows2

I especially like what Janie said – that eyebrows “should be sculpted minimally to best feature one’s eyes.” Uh, so, how does one do that?

And you’re going to have to educate me I’m afraid: wtf is this “threading” business? I thought it was similar to waxing. Why recommend it in particular for butches? What’s the difference? I’m confused.

PS: I promise I won’t turn this blog into a mirror of what I’m doing on twitter. There are much smut and omphaloskepsis and media reviews and gender explorational writings in progress.

Review: the Outlaw

outlaw_lg
not actual size. oh no. it’s WAY bigger than this.

Following the Johnny review breakdown precedence, here’s how the Outlaw cock by Vixen Creations from one of my very favorite sex toy stores stacks up.

(Then I’ll tell you a little embarrassing story concerning the Outlaw and a hotel room with Kristen.)

Girth: Hot damn, it’s a big one. 2″ around. Some would say, and have said, that that is the perfect girth. Enough to feel it, not enough to hurt (at least, not much).

Length: Um. Holy shit. This guy is 8 1/2″. It is huge. It does have balls, which you would think might slightly impact the insertable length, but they sit behind the O-ring of a harness and are quite flat, so they don’t actually take away from the otherwise massive length. I expected I’d have trouble driving this thing – but to the contrary, it was easy to fuck with strapped on, maybe partly because I didn’t have to be concerned about it slipping out.

Shape: Balls. A little vein-y but not too much. Realistic. Because it’s Vixskin it is a little more pliable than average, so it doesn’t have any particular permanent curve.

Materials: This is why you’d by this cock over any other 8.5″x2″ monster: made of Vixskin, a special silicone that feels more like cyberskin (realistic, pliable, feels more like flesh) but it is sterilizable. This is great. I nearly only fuck with cocks made from this material, it is hands-down the best.

And now for your bedtime story.

Kristen & I stayed at a lovely hotel overlooking downtown Boston when I was up there to do a performance a few weekends ago. We spent the evening – what else? – fucking, lounging around in the king-sized bed. I’d brought the Outlaw and also Rodeo Rick (as Babeland calls it – aka Maverick), my desert island dick (the one I’d bring with me above all others). We hadn’t used the Outlaw yet, but got it out and were discussing it at various points in the evening, playing with it and marveling at its size, mostly, and in one hilarious moment Kristen picked it up and set it on its base next to the TV, right in the open.

Later, much later, we ordered room service.

(You can already tell where this story is going, huh.)

I remembered to put boxers on, and an a-shirt, after we ordered but before the room service showed up, and Kristen was in bed, though nude, covers pulled up, on her laptop. Harness and cock we were just using were on the bedside table, next to a huge bottle of lube we’d had to buy earlier that day because I’d forgotten mine. Clothes were strewn around the desk where we’d been playing that afternoon. Bondage belt on the bedspread.

The room was a sex den, is what I’m saying.

The room service delivery guy knocked and before I knew it, he was bringing the tray into the room. “Uh – you decent?” I tried to warn Kristen. (I should’ve just taken the tray. Why didn’t I just take the tray?! Butch fail.)

He set it down on the dresser, right next to the TV.

Right next to the most giant fucking Outlaw cock.

I saw a tiny flicker of a smile on his mouth, but all in all he remained very straight-faced and professional. I was impressed. And so embarrassed! (I know, it’s not that big of a deal, but I couldn’t shake the facepalm feeling.)

“We haven’t even used it yet!” I exclaimed, getting back into bed with Kristen and the coffee profiteroles.

“Well,” she looked at me with that twinkle in her eye. “I guess we should.”

Sorry, delivery guy. But at least you’ve got a good story to tell at dinner parties! “Once, I delivered dessert at midnight to these two … lesbians …”

Sugasm #161: better late than never!

This Week’s Picks

More Sugasm | Join the Sugasm | See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Some of my favorites from the week:

My story about what Kristen & I did on Valentine’s Day was included this week.

A butch bijou cocktail

Because I’m working so hard on the story Sugarbutch Star: Matt part two, I haven’t been writing much else (and it’s still not done – hopefully later or tomorrow!).

So, here: hopefully Mr. Maddow can entertain you for a little while. Interesting gender dynamics between these two, hmmm?

See also: bloopers from the same take. And I can’t not mention the Maddow Widowers Club, because if it was ever an option, Kristen would leave me in a heartbeat. I did see some chunky Maddow glasses on St. Mark’s the other day and thought, hmmmm. Maddow role-play? You be Susan, I’ll be your yardboy

New music from the lesbian staple

The Indigo Girls have a new album out on March 24th, Poseidon and the Bitter Bug. (What’s up with that title? I don’t get it.) It’s a two-disc set, one electric version and one accoustic version of all the songs. Still a fairly regularly-priced CD, and it’s an interesting idea. I’m a big fan of their accoustic stuff, but I know others who like the rockin songs more, so maybe it’ll be lovely to have the different sounds.

indigo2

I’m sorry but, helloooooo Amy Ray. That is a fabulous photo – of them both! – and really the only reason I’m writing this review is so I can point out how freakin butch Amy Ray is. In fact, I saw her live with her band – her ALL-BUTCH BAND – back in October, and was completely blown away. Amy was playing with Kaia Wilson, Julie Wolf, and Melissa York (see a whole bunch more photos from their west coast tour from indigospike on flickr), and they sounded so amazing together. Amy’s newest album Didn’t It Feel Kinder is one of the very few CDs I’ve actually spent money on in the last few years, so I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Except, just one thing about the photo: the tie tip should touch the middle of the belt buckle. Not sure why Amy’s tie is so short, maybe that’s some styly thing I don’t know about?, but it looks a bit awkward to me. (What’s the tie-length rule when one’s shirt is untucked? Or perhaps that rule presumes an always-tucked shirt.)

Kristen and I listened to it on the way back from a small trip to Boston last week, and she said something I thought was interesting – something like, what’s the point of a new Indigo Girls CD, the entire point is that you know all the words and sing along.

I forget that they’re seen as such a sing-along band. I’m not one to sing-along at concerts – I’m more of the guy glaring at the singers usually, though not at Indigo Girls concerts: it’s true, there are just too many songs that everyone knows, and that is a part of it. Going to Indigo Girls concerts every summer was a big part of my identity development – it’s like an Ani Difranco concert, which I’ve come to call “the family reunion” because of all the dykes, as in “are you going to the family reunion this summer?” “Oh yes, of course, I never miss ’em.” – seeing all those gay women in one place was like going to Pride or the Dyke March, made me feel more at home in my own skin.

I still remember the first time I watched the video for Closer to Fine, my mind blew a bit. I couldn’t stop watching Amy’s delicious swagger and it definitely took me a while to figure out that I wanted to be her, not do her.

Take a listen to many of the songs on Poseidon and the Bitter Bug over at Indigo Girls.com so you can start memorizing the lyrics. Read Tina’s review here and leave a comment (on her blog! not mine!) to win a copy of it, if you like.

Review: Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco

real-sex-sf-211x300I’m not sure how it happened actually, but somewhere in the last few months I started updating my Twitter account with thoughts when I was watching porn to review. That’s aka “live-tweeting porn.”

A month or so ago, I finally got the Video On Demand on Good Vibes to work, and sat down to check out Madison Young’s Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco, and tweeted throughout. Many other folks on twitter chimed in with their thoughts on the film, and on some lesbian sex tips in general (like, what’s with that twisty hand thing? How come there’s no fisting on DVDs?), and what kind of toys they’re using in this episode.

Lots of the San Francisco queer porn stars are on Twitter, too, so a few times Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye) and Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich) jumped in to add some thoughts about their scene (“@SydBlakovich ps. it is really hard to fuck on a massage table.”)

Here’s a transcript of the Twitter stream as I was watching the film.  If you aren’t familiar with Twitter: the first @____ is the person who is writing this, the second @___ (if there is one) is the person to whom they are directing that writing. Photos were borrowed from Alpine SubDreams’s Lesbian Life review, thanks!

Foreplay ….

SCENE ONE: Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye) & Lorelei Lee

real-sex-scene-1-300x166

  • @mrsexsmith jiz lee is impressive on the [playground] rings.
  • @EssinEm @mrsexsmith I totally went to that park/playground when I was there!!
  • @mrsexsmith @EssinEm it’s a loooooong park scene. still going on. I’m not that into it. oh wait … lorelei lee just bent over … getting better now ..
  • @hotmovies4her @mrsexsmith Are you watching Lesbian Life – Real Sex SF? haha, I JUST reviewed Scene 3 for tomorrow. it is so so so hot!
  • @mrsexsmith @hotmovies4her yes! I’m still in scene 1 … i’ll look forward to 3 then.

SCENE TWO: Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich) & Lorelei Lee

  • @mrsexsmith oh I dig this scene in the bike shop. way hot. STILL no cocks though!
  • @jezinyoureye[email protected] LesbianLife:Real Sex SF cocks in scene 3 (johnny used by @SydBlakovich on Carson) & scene 4 (buck used by me on Dylan Ryan)
  • @mrsexsmith reason #1 why the bike shop is more hot than the park scene: lorelei can make more noise. love the way she whimpers.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] YES! good cocks too. yummm.
  • @mrsexsmith holy hell! – four fingers in and HARD too. fuck fuck this is great!
  • @mrsexsmith lorelei has left her red high heels on. mmmm that is my kinda girl.
  • @SydBlakovich @hotmoviesforher & @mrsexsmith glad u like it! Took me a sec to get the grease and cum off of me.
  • @jezinyoureye[email protected] @mrsexsmith those were my coveralls; @SydBlakovich returned them to me with grease & cum all over them.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] :O how rude! hope you took it out on @sydblackovich ‘s ass
  • @EssinEm @jezinyoureye Oh, how awful
  • @SydBlakovich @jezinyoureye whatever u have her cum all over ur face anyways, I was just helping u match.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] ohh and here you are doing a bit of primping, getting the grease & cum off. fucking HOT.
  • @jezinyoureye[email protected] Too bad we’re cant show fisting in porn DVDs. We can online though — all the folks in LesbianLife are on CPS, and we fist. :D
  • @EssinEm @jezinyoureye New goal (in addition to everything else on my list): come back to CPS and get fisted.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] !! I didn’t know that! though I have suspected. I do know your CPS work well :)
  • @jezinyoureye[email protected] If I had a nickel for every time a queer person was surprised to hear that fisting is not allowed
  • @jezinyoureye[email protected] … I’d buy out the industry and allow fisting for all.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] oh I like that plan! i’ll gladly throw in a nickel. who makes these rules?
  • @pazenlavida @mrsexsmith this episode of frontline explains why you can’t fist on dvd’s. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/
  • @SydBlakovich Check out episode 89. Lorelei and I do an interview. http://www.blowfish.com/radio/

SCENE THREE: Syd Blakovich (@SydBlakovich)  & Carson

real-sex-scene-3-300x169

  • @SydBlakovich ps. it is really hard to fuck on a massage table.
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] I bet, but you pull it off like it’s nuthin. what harness is that??
  • @SydBlakovich @mrsexsmith I think it was the cloth version of the terra firma but u can take any jock style cloth harness and remove the backing piece.
  • @mrsexsmith great music in this tattoo parlor scene. great music in every scene so far, actually.
  • @mrsexsmith um. omg. blow job. with the johnny. fuck that’s impressive.
  • @mrsexsmith did I mention that I’m watching Lesbian Life in San Francisco via @GoodVibesSF VOD? they’ve got some great flicks available to download.
  • @mrsexsmith dykes often do that twisty thing with their fingers/hands when finger fucking in porn. for me & lovers that has been uncomfortable. thoughts?
  • @EssinEm @mrsexsmith What twisty thing?
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] twisting your hand over, basically. ouch.
  • @bailar_vivir @mrsexsmith The twisty maneuver is painful when performed on me. Yoikes!
  • @dolphyngyrl @mrsexsmith I’d have to see what you’re talking about, exactly, but the twist thing can help open things up.
  • @dolphyngyrl @mrsexsmith con’t: The point is getting more in as you twist.
  • @evilgrrlevilgrrl @mrsexsmith – Do the twisty thing SLOWLY and gently at first with LOTS of lube.
  • @EssinEm @mrsexsmith Oh. I like that usually, with enough lube.
  • @aisforalisha @mrsexsmith I was thinking about that the other day.. I’ve never done it, but was curious..
  • @mrsexsmith[email protected] well @essinem says it’s good with enough lube – which is a good point. enough lube and any friction is good friction.
  • @Weebeasty @mrsexsmith That always leaves me really sore but not in a good way.
  • @EssinEm @mrsexsmith But I think I’d prefer to just be fucked very very hard.
  • @bailar_vivir @EssinEm I wish being fucked very very hard didnt hurt in a bad way… sounds awesome! :(
  • @mrsexsmith re: the twisty thing: @dolphyngyrl “it can open things up” and @evilgrrl “slowly/gently with lots of lube.” Hmmmmmm

SCENE FOUR: Dylan Rion & Jiz Lee (@jezinyoureye)

  • @mrsexsmith oh, dylan rion and your signature blow job earrings.
    @mrsexsmith aww @jezinyoureye brought a rose! aren’t you sweet.
  • @mrsexsmith ooh @jezinyoureye is wearing my favorite cock (and the white jaguar harness?) and mmmmm dylan’s mouth is on it. that is delicious.
  • @mrsexsmith four fingers and dylan rion is making beautiful noises. ohmygodYES.
  • @mrsexsmith blow job on glass? (or maybe it’s acrylic?) makes me a bit too conscious of teeth.
  • @jezinyoureye Not so much a BJ — we were just licking off the cum.
  • @mrsexsmith and that was the last scene of Lesbian Life in San Francisco, brought to me by @GoodVibesSF … uh, anything else I should watch from there?

Pleasurists #20

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #19? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #21? Submit it here before Sunday March 15th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

On to the reviews…

Announcements: Three New Projects

I’ve got three new projects brewing, and they’re finally all just about ready for public launch.

toyswap-copyOne: The ToySwap Network

The idea started when I asked if anyone on Twitter had unused massage candles or massage oil just sitting around, and Dangerous Lilly offered up a nice little Babeland massage candle, and we started talking about how great it would be to have a place to swap the things we don’t use. Lots of sexbloggers are overrun with toys to review, and we end up with lots of things we don’t use or don’t want. So, we started doing some research about how to develop a little network for toy swapping, and after a bit of drama, we settled on Ning.com.

Unfortunately we might still have a bit of a problem here, since Ning.com updated their terms of service to not allow any “adult-themed” groups, but we’re trying to work that out with the administrators. Which is why I haven’t mentioned it yet.

But! Things are looking good! And the group is going strong! And today marks the beginning of our first Swap Week, where we hope folks will flock to do more trades than usual, to keep our lists updated and offer up the best of what we got.

If you want to join, you need an invitation to join our specific group but you can sign up at Ning.com and let me know you want to be a part of it with a comment here and I’ll send you a personal invitation.

Two: The Sugarbutch Recommended Amazon store


Hand-picked books, DVDs, & other products from Amazon.com and recommended just for you.

It’s a little peek into my bookshelves, really, because these are some of the best of the best books about gender, sex, sexuality, and theory that I’ve read, many of which I own. Hope you find some good recommendations and interesting things inside the store.

Three: Mr. Sexsmith Recommends … Hot queer porn movies on demand, through Hot Movies For Her

vodscreenshot

Sign up at Hot Movies for Her and receive 20 free minutes (usually you just get 10), then come back to VOD.sugarbutch.net to check out some of my hand-picked favorites. Quite possibly my favorite scene of all time – Episode 1 from the Crash Pad Series – is now included on HMFH. I also recommend Real Life in San Francisco and Good Dyke Porn and Post Apocalyptic Cowgirls and oh, right, I recommend everything in there, I picked it all out!

Last but not least:

Allyson is featured on Queer Eye Candy today. We’ve known each other for years – she’s one of the few folks still in my life who knew me before I came out. She’s started a new project at The Femme Domestic and it’s quite lovely so far.

The Community page has been slightly updated – I’m not great at keeping up with it, the RSS reader is a better way to see which blogs I’m reading. If you’d like to be added to the Community page, leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll get you updated soon.

Pumping: How to Grow a Dick

I wrote about clit pumping in February 2008, and since then, I’ve researched pumping a bit more.

Pumping is most well-known, probably, for endless spam emails: Make her feel your Wang! Make Your Meat-Stick Massive! Give Her Real Lovefest! Turns out, the more you engorge your cis-cock with blood, the bigger it becomes. Similar to working a muscle, I suppose – this is the way you work that particular muscle.

And about two years ago now I heard from a friend that clit pumping was all the rage at a particular trans conference they had attended. Reeeeeally, I asked. How does that work?

Apparently, quite well. Some guys grow inches on their clits from pumping. I did a bit of research (i.e.: googled it, and tried to avoid the nasty sites), which is how I stumbled across a clit pump that I reviewed a year ago, and then a great sex toy store asked me to review multiple pumping products and compare them together.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks and the Three Pumps, trying these out – which one will be just right?

The Clit Pump:

This is the same clit pump I reviewed before – I didn’t realize until it arrived that they were the same. It comes highly recommended, though, now, from multiple sources, so if you’re looking for a clit pump, this is probably a good one.

It was interesting enough that I sought out more information on pumping, but ultimately I wanted more suction and pressure than this little thing could offer.

I’m still not really sure what the appeal of a clit pump is for gals who aren’t looking to enlarge their clits – or, why you would want to enlarge it, I guess. Is it simply an extension of the penis pump? Someone just assumed a woman might want a bigger clit? Bigger = better, etc?

Generally, this pump is weak in pressure, and not deep enough in the cup. The plusi s that it is actually made for my anatomy and thus fits easily over a clit, unlike the penis pumps, whose openings are 2″ wide. On to those next.

penispumpThe Large Pump:

More pressure, more depth in the shaft of the device – depth indeed! Like 12″ of depth! Maybe a bit overkill, I certainly don’t need more than two inches max. The opening is big, too – 2″ around, with a plastic sheath inside – and kind of a challenge to find the seal on the suction. In fact, I often felt like I was pumping my labia as well as my clit, because it’s hard to get a seal just around my clit without getting the labia in there too.

It’s a bit unweildly, feels awkward to have this huuuuge long thing protruding from my clit, so it was kind of uncomfortable. After I got the hang of the suction, it got easier to actually pump: I squeeze the little bulby thing to the point of pressure (not pain) and hold for a few minutes (five, not twenty). The squeeze-pump style is alright, but sometimes felt like it was letting out air rather than making the seal tighter.

So, this one is better with suction … but uselessly too long for a clit, and awkward.

penisheadThe Penis Head Pump:

Aha! Maybe this will solve it – still has the pressure of a “real” penis pump, but it’s smaller, not quite as GIANT and awkward. Let’s see.

Suction: still difficult. This one has a bit of plastic built around the edge of the opening to make sure the seal happens, but that’s, again, only useful if you’ve actually got something to stick inside of the pump itself, which I don’t. Once I get the hang of it, once I get the placement right one time, I can usually get it again and it gets easier. But I’m still pumping my labia (not what I want – at times, that’s painful for my labia piercing) in order to get a seal, and I’m not crazy about that.

Pumping action: This has a squeeze-trigger type of pumping action instead of a squeeze-bulb, which I like better. Easier to add precisely the amount of pressure that I’m aiming for, the bulb feels like it lets some of it out sometimes.

Size: Fine … better than the huge one, easier to wield, but still feels like it wasn’t made for my anatomy. Because, uh, it wasn’t.

In conclusion … Oh yeah – there’s an important question I missed here: does this work? YES. My clit is definitely bigger than it used to be, not so much when unaroused, but it definitely gets larger than it used to when aroused. And this is, well, fun.

The Penis Head Pump is the one that I would keep using, were I to keep using a pump. But, I might not continue pumping very often. After a few months of trying out all three of these in various capacities, I’ve noticed that my clit, though noticably bigger, is also, I think, decreased in sensitivity. I’m having a harder time coming now than I ever remember coming in my life. I’m not sure why, but it could be related. So I’m going to back off for a while (of pumping and of my hitachi, sigh) and see if that helps me get off easier.

Have you tried pumping? What was it like for you? Are you interested in doing so? Leave your two cents in the comments.

Cock Confidence and the KinkForAll Conference

I had a wonderful time at the KinkForAll conference at the LGBT Community Center yesterday. Major thank-yous to Maymay and Eileen (remember her story? mhm I do too) and all the unorganizers and folks who brought food (oh my lord what were those sticky chocolate wafer things?!) and attended and presented – I left with a lot of things on my mind and a lot of ideas to take home.

Some of my favorites? Calico‘s presentation on “Dirty Sexy Money” – I thought we’d talk about sex work, but in fact we were talking about money play and the ways that money can enhance power differentials in role play scenarios. That definitely got my mind going. And also, in Jason’s “What Can’t You Do with Vet Tape?” presentation, I learned that you can’t really use vet tape to beat someone up, but oh boy can you ever use it to tie someone down. I liked the blindfold/gag demo and I am very inspired to pick up some of that. A #kfanyc investigation on twitter reveals that jeffersequine.com is the place to pick it up online. And Barbara Carrellas lead a quick sex magic/tantra presentation that had the whole room breathing, visualizing what we wanted. I will definitely be looking up her workshops and trying to catch one full-length, I’ve heard wonderful things about her and her work for years but have yet to attend.


I did my own presentation as well, and at the last minute called it COCK CONFIDENCE in a butch/femme context. I had some notes, but was also not feeling very well, and twenty minutes goes by so fast!, so I had a lot more to say about the subject that I didn’t get to. Here goes.

1. What is cock confidence?

Particularly, what is it in a genderqueer context, with a strap-on as opposed to a cis-cock?

Most of us who strap on have had those moments of awkwardness when we go from the hot-and-heavy making out to “oh my god, this is really gonna happen,” then the sudden realization: “oh shit, when (and how) do I whip it out?”

Cock confidence is knowing when and how, and doing it smoothly so it doesn’t ruin the mood. This does not necessarily mean taking yourself (or your cock) incredibly seriously, sometimes a little bit of camp and sillyness can be totally appropriate and keep you laughing and connected to the hot lil piece of ass that you’re about to fuck.

(I happen to be a particularly serious lover, so it didn’t even occur to me that taking it seriously was separate from having confidence, though I think those are two different things.)

2. How do I get (more) cock confidence?

Two particular things come to mind here: you can develop confidence solo, with yourself, and you can develop it with a lover.

Lots of us have lovers, but they don’t necessarily validate our cock confidence, or perhaps our cock confidence is so low that we want to gain some of our own before we bring it into play with a partner. Do this on your own! Get to know your cock, get it out, wear it, put it on, clean the house, watch your weekly tv show while you’re wearing it. Get off with it on and see how that feels. Incorporate it into your own self-luuuuv rituals.

The more comfortable you are putting it on and taking it off, the more practice you have at it, the easier it will be to do with a lover present too. You’ll struggle less with the buckles and snaps if you have done it a dozen or fifty or a hundred times already. You’ll get the feel of how long it takes when it goes smoothly, so it won’t feel as long and endless of a process when you’re doing it in front of someone else.

Secondly: practice cock confidence by getting with someone who respects the way you want to wear and wield your cock. This, in my experience, is best done by talking to the person you’re fucking, either the one who you are already sleeping with (an ongoing partner, perhaps) or the one you are trying to get in bed, preferably before you’re in bed together.

And this is where gender discussions as foreplay come in.

I’ve written about gender as foreplay before, but let’s see if I can’t go into a bit more depth here. I find it rather easy to bring up gender during a date, it’s often one of my early talking points when I meet someone new (“What do you do?” “I’m a writer, mostly of smut and gender theory.”), but I’m not sure exactly how it comes up or what I use in order to discuss it.

If I’m on a date, I start a conversation about chivalry and the ways that I use it as courtship and interest, as a way to enhance the gender differences between us, and as respect. Chivalry is so connected to gendered interactions, it leads automatically into a discussion of gender. I like to ask about someone’s gender, about how they came to the gender they’ve got, to tell their gender story.

The gender story is a big one – how I came to be the way I am – it tells so much about where a person is at, their past loves, past heartbreaks, what they’ve learned from relationships and what they know now to be true about themselves.

Someone asked me how to make this gendered conversation sexy, or sexual – foreplay rather than analytical conversation. The short answer is, I’m not sure I know, since the analytical conversations about gender really do turn me on.

The longer answer is … what about gender turns you on? Talk about that stuff. Does it turn you on to talk about cocks and cufflinks and gender as a form of power play and femme markers like stockings, earrings, makeup? Talk about that. Is it suits and dresses? High heels and combat boots? Or is it some other version of femme and butch, of not conforming to gender, of wearing boxer briefs under a mini-skirt, of genderqueer or head-shaving and how liberating it is to not have any hair, plus it feels good, run your hands over it. It’s more than just physical markers, too, of course. So talk about that – what does your “inner gender” mean, say, feel like? What makes you feel the most like you, the most sexy, the most wanted, the most desire?

All these discussions of sex and gender are absolutely to determine what kind of chemistry and compatibility you might have with this person once you get in bed, to determine whether or not it’d be a good match. You might be very physically attracted to them, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a good match in bed – I’m sure this is not news to most folks, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate.

I mean, I don’t really fuck without a cock. I joked about this at KinkForAll – “I mean, what would I DO?!” Of course, I don’t really mean that (and I hate to perpetuate the idea that lesbians don’t have anything to do together in bed, since there’s no cock involved). I have plenty of ideas about what to do with my hands, mouth, fists, without involving a cock.

But that’s not the kind of sex I prefer.

(Obviously, you already know that, if you read this site.) I prefer strapping on. I prefer a submissive femme girl on her knees gulping my cock down her throat, I prefer throwing her onto the bed before shoving my hand between her legs. And conversations about gender, and how I use gender as part of the sex play, are key to knowing whether or not a girl would be into that before we really start to get it on.

I watch what happens when I mention my cock. I watch her reaction, I watch her eyelids flutter as she checks to see if maybe, just maybe I’m wearing one right now (I am). I watch her skin flush on her neck as heat comes to her body.

And that’s how I get my cock confidence.

Any questions? Class adjourned.

PS: Lolita got a shot of me during the Cock Confidence workshop, thanks Lo!

A Resplendent Image

Some days just the memory of her is enough to drive me wild.

I’ve been holding on to the image of her in my bed last Sunday all week, rolling it over in my mind like I roll my ring on my finger.

We’d already been fucking, all day really. Woke and I couldn’t keep my hands off her, stayed in bed until hunger forced us up after one. Back home and I wanted more. Cradled her, fucked a while, until I wanted to watch.

I’m perhaps more of a voyeur than even I know. And she is such an expert at her own body, I love watching her as her skin flushes, fingers move, hands hover above her own pussy as she shakes, then opens her eyes to look at me: “want me to do it again?”

This time, she was on her back, on my bed. I wished aloud for a spreader bar and then made one, makeshift, from a white-tipped straight black cane and black rope, her ankles as far apart as they could go, she couldn’t close her knees.

Then: clamps on her nipples. Tighter than I expected, but I know she likes the pressure, likes it when I bite hard.

Then: I got a cock out, a big one, the widest I have, I can’t even get my thumb and forefinger all the way around the narrowest part. It is short, so, hard to strap-on. I keep it in my hand as I watch her writhe for one, two orgasms on her own, as she can’t take something that big until she’s warmed up.

I tug at the chain of the nipple clamps, twist them around for more of a pinch. She moans. She likes it.

I watch her come and lube up the cock, slide it in without much resistance, watch her face change, her hips open, as she starts working her clit again right away.

And these are the images that flash in my mind: that thick red cock shoved all the way in; her hands, both, between her legs, upper arms pushing her breasts together as the clamps and chain accent her nipples and swollen aureole; knees up and rocking back and forth, straining against the bar holding her ankles apart.

I’m kneeling at the foot of the bed, knees apart, stroking my cock, still strapped on, watching from slightly above as she writhes and moans.

Then: next to her, my hand working the cock in and out, my mouth at her neck, shoulder.

“Kiss me,” she whispers, as I refuse to close the distance and keep her straining to reach my mouth.

I grin, and slap her instead, three four five six times in rapid succession. She moans, I hit her again. “Or slap me, that’s good too,” she breathes, nearly under her breath, as I continue to make her cheek pinker, and I do, again, and she starts coming, harder, so I slap her a few more times before leaning in to kiss her, until she starts jerking as she comes and nearly knocks me in the nose with her forehead.

“Fuck me, please,” she is unhinged like this and asking for just what she wants, and I love that.

I shift between her legs, the bar holding her ankles apart now behind my knees and I keep some pressure on it so she can strain against it, and slide inside easily, wrap my arms around her, kiss her hard, and we lose ourselves in it, rocking against each other, going deep.

Butch/femme in various cities

I got an email recently from a femme looking to relocate, but not sure where yet she’s going to go. Here’s her note:

I’m a young femme looking to relocate to a new city, and I want to go somewhere with a large diverse lesbian community that is very friendly to the butch-femme dynamic.

I’ve spent much of my life in LA, a city with nary a handsome butch to be found! And when I lived briefly in San Francisco, there were many cute butches but few other femmes, and I was always “read” as straight. It would be ideal to live somewhere where I could find both femme friends and a butch partner.

Some cities I am looking into: Seattle, Portland, Brooklyn, and Boston.

I can speak to Seattle and Brooklyn, but none of the others really. So I figured I’d ask you all: where do you live? What’s the butch/femme culture like in those cities?

Chime in regardless of where you live – I’d love to hear about the cultures outside of the US, too.

Some questions to consider:
– Are there lesbian-specific bars, or nights at the gay bars? More than one? Are some of them more known for being butch/femme than others?
– Are there butch/femme social groups?
– Is it gender-forward and inclusive of many expressions?

Pleasurists #18

I don’t usually submit to Pleasurists – I don’t really consider myself a toy reviewer in the way that others do. I just like to try things out & talk about them. This week, though, I liked how many comments I got about the Jaguar Harness – it’s a widely-used harness, so it was great to hear everybody’s two cents on what they thought of it and whether or not they use it. I think that discussion is really useful! Thanks for weighing in.

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #17? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #19? Submit it here before Sunday March 8th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

  • Bill and Desiree: Love Is Timeless by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
  • Everything they do, they do with exhilaration and wild abandon. They explore their sexual love like children who are delighted and amazed by everything they see and touch. I had a perma-smile welded on my face as I watched them make love with such tenderness: their smiles, laughter and joy radiating out of the screen to affect me as well. It was so powerful and beautifully poignant to watch their sweet ecstatic moans and tearful orgasms as they convulsed with ecstasy.

Madame Editrix: Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Editor’s Pick of Sugasm #160

This Week’s Picks

More Sugasm | Join the Sugasm | See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

My favorites were showcased in the top three this week! But here’s a couple more shout-outs to some awesome women working in queer porn:

On Butches: Coming Inside

The truth is, it feels embarrassing, really, to come while strapped on and fucking. The amount I have to let go and risk is sometimes too much for my heart to open up.

It isn’t fair to say that she doesn’t have to do the same amount of risk and letting go when I throw her down onto the bed, shove my hand between her legs, push my fingers inside until she’s screaming and thrashing under my forearm holding her down.

But it’s different, isn’t it?

Let’s not say one is harder than the other, it isn’t about hierarchy: only that one is not the same as the other. But, why? Maybe because that’s the way her body is “supposed” to work, biologically it is built to take inside, to be invaded, to tilt the bowl of her pelvis up and open the hinge of her hips back.

I don’t like making generalized statements like that: “women are made to x because biologically, bodies are built like y,” there is so much unfinished in that statement, and there is some sort of deeper, inner sense of gender and self that is discounted because of our binary system of classification under biology.

But there is something, something about the ways that entering inside, being permitted to come inside, being permitted to invade, to be permitted to take and thrust and enter, is not what my body is made to do, so I am on shaky ground, out of synch with what my cells know. There is something so vulnerable about having sex organs (like a silicone cock) outside the body, something so exposing about the ways I get … hungry, desperate for a safe haven, so dependent upon another for fulfillment and satisfaction.

And there is the moment of orgasm: shuddering and losing control momentarily and I don’t even know if my eyes are rolling back and my mouth is lolling open, such a moment of unconsciousness when I usually have such precise purpose when I am on top, fucking her, sliding in and out, rocking against her. I know exactly how this feels and exactly where to put my hands and such confidence in the ways that I am moving. But in that moment I lose that and all I can think of are those guys, those stupid guys in every bad movie where they are completely lost in their own world and the girl is looking up at them with a face like, really? Really. You’re just going to keep going and you can’t even tell that I’m totally disconnected, and that might be my worst fear, that I am alone in those moments of pleasure, so wrapped up in how my dick feels in her pussy that I don’t even know the ways she is not enjoying this.

And then I am spent and small and soft and dribbling and drained.

I know there’s more to it than that. I know.

But there’s a tiny aspect of it that infiltrates my mind when I find myself close, when I feel my cock tighten and balls lift, muscles pinching. I can’t do that, I can’t let go.

Maybe that’s why it has been nearly impossible to come while strapped on with anyone since Callie. It happens, sure, but it is inconsistent and unpredictable, which makes it all the more embarrassing and exposing. Maybe I haven’t trusted enough. Maybe it’s all mental. Maybe I am still terrified to expose myself, now that I see how easily I have lost myself in the recent past. On the inside of every cell wall in me has YOU CAN’T HAVE ME written a hundred times in tiny print. But maybe I need to go in there with a delicate eraser and figure out what pen it was I used, and write something else. Or maybe I need to leave the walls blank and clear so I can see right through them.

Because when I come inside her, and then come back to myself, and to her, like I did on Sunday morning, nearly falling off of the bed, sheets and blankets completely askew, light coming in the slatted blinds behind us, and she looks at me with those blue blue eyes with so much clarity and witness, so much reverence and strength, though there is a part of me that panics, there is also a part of me that has come home.

Feminists & Porn

Are you bored at work? Do you love taking surveys? Do you think research about feminism & porn is important?

Cool, glad we cleared that up.

So: go take this survey about feminists’ use of porn:

Hi, My name is Hayley, and I’m a 44 year old MA Women’s Studies student [at Ruskin College Oxford]. I am currently involved in my dissertation year and am doing research into feminists who use pornography. I have an interest in women’s sexuality and sexual expression. I also have had an interest for some time around the notions of sexuality and women’s bodies as sites of oppression and/or liberation.

I am looking for feminist respondents to complete this questionnaire as part of my MA dissertation. This dissertation will be viewed by my MA markers at Ruskin, and may in part or in full at some time be published. In order to preserve people’s identities, I request that you use a pseudonym.

After the survey, there will be a Facebook group you can join to talk to other people who have completed the questionnaire and offer any feedback about it.

If there are questions you would prefer not to answer that’s fine. If you want to explain why you object to them, that’s fine too.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Take the survey here.

(Thanks to Jess at The F-Word for the survey call.)

Come to KinkForAll on Sunday!

KinkForAll, a new unconference, is coming up this Sunday, March 8th, at the LGBT Community Center in NYC. I’ve been really looking forward to this and I think it’s going to be incredible.

kinkforall-banner

Here’s the first description from the KinkForAll webpage:

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. It is inspired by and based upon the BarCamp community.

I don’t know if or what I’ll be presenting on exactly. When I signed up I wrote that I might give a presentation about “gender theory, identity development, butch/femme identity, presentation, and dynamics, strapping on & sucking butch cock, how to fall in love without losing yourself … and probably a bunch of other things …” but it’s also really possible that I’ll just be there as a participant. I mean, look at all the other amazing people who have great ideas about what they can present on?

Vitals
======

What: A no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference.
Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.
When: March 8, 2009, Sunday, 10AM to 5:30PM
Where: LGBT Community Center, Room 310 at 208 West 13th Street, New York City
Who: Everyone
How much: Free (as in beer as well as freedom)

Details
=======

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Learn more about what to expect at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/WhatToExpect

Learn more about the event guidelines at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/TheRulesOfKinkForAll

Get Involved
============

We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating. Here’s how:

1. Get excited by reading the ideas on http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/KinkForAllNewYorkCity
2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants
3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing [email protected]

Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/FrequentlyAskedQuestions

or email [email protected] for more details.

Perhaps I’ll see you there!

Save About Face Theatre

One of About Face Theatre’s many supporters emailed me recently with this call for help to keep the theatre’s doors open, staff paid, and the youth theatre program intact. If you can help, please do.

She writes:

As a young femme fresh out of college, I interned at About Face and learned a lot about making queer art that’s accountable to the community. AFT was a great place to work, and I got to see first-hand the high quality of the shows they produced and the impact they’ve had on LGBT youth through their youth program. This is the theatre group that made I Am My Own Wife into the incredible show that it was by the time it hit New York.

Here’s the call for donations and support:

SAVE ABOUT FACE THEATRE!

“This is a space where youth can come and have so much love and support. This is a place for us to be heard” – AFT youth artist

About Face Theatre, one of Chicago’s leading LGBTQ institutions and the original home of Pulitzer-prizewinning I AM MY OWN WIFE, is in danger of closing.

To confront this immediate crisis, About Face has launched a national “FACE THE FUTURE” campaign to save the organization and ensure its future. The About Face Board of Directors is asking for immediate financial contributions in order to keep its doors open, staff paid, and the youth theatre program intact.

About Face Theatre creates exceptional, innovative and adventurous plays to advance the national dialogue on gender and sexual identity If About Face does not survive, the country will lose one of the few high-profile theaters making new work by and about the LGBTQ experience. The award-winning About Face Youth Theater serves queer youth by providing artistic experiences and leadership training.

In response to the economic downturn and significant debt, About Face has reduced its budget by over 30% by implementing staff and production cuts while also postponing our third show. This is the responsible action to take, but it is not enough. If you help us raise $300,000, we will solve our immediate crisis and build a foundation for ongoing financial health. Here’s what you can do:

— DONATE NOW www.aboutfacetheatre.com

— PERSONALIZE THIS EMAIL AND FORWARD IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES

Donations can be made at www.aboutfacetheatre.com, by calling (773)784-8565, or by mailing a check to the theatre at 1222 W. Wilson, 2nd Floor West, Chicago, IL 60640.

POST A VIDEO Artistic contributions are encouraged as well, as About Face organizes a web-based video forum for testimony on the importance of About Face Theatre, of mentoring queer youth, and the vital need for innovative artmaking in today’s society. To participate, please email [email protected] or call the AFT office.

What happened in February

February 2009! It was a quick month, but there was still some great stuff going on. And I won this little award you might have heard of

Sex:

  • Sugarbutch Star: Matt (part one) – This was a story submission that challenged me to include specific images for all five senses, and I’ve been struggling with it for a while. I love the challenge, but woah it’s hard. Part two is still forthcoming.

Gender:

Miscellany:

  • The Lezzys are here! Nominations for the Lezzy Awards, the Lezzy Award Finalists, and then … ta da! Two Lezzys? Really?! Thanks, everybody who voted. Check out the other winners & nominees, too, there are some really excellent blogs in those lists.
  • The Best Sex Toy Reviewers of 2008 list via the Pleasurists came out in February, and I ranted a little bit about how sex toy reviews are permiating sex blogs these days. Just to be clear, this was not intended to be a cricism of the list itself – I think it’s quite useful! And I found some great new sites to read by going through it. It was only a reflection on the increased amount of toys that have been going around our sites, and what I’ve been thinking about that. I don’t think we should stop reviewing and I don’t dislike reviewing (I love it!), I just know for myself I want to be more discerning about the companies I work with and the toys (and other books, DVDs, etc) that I accept to review.
  • Semantics: The Do-Be-Do-Be-Do Complex, brought to you by my friend Mr. K. Great comments about this concept, worth reading.
  • Important Calls for Support: Home Alive & Scarleteen If you’ve got an activist bone in ya, these two organizations are looking for support. They’re very important and I highly recommend getting involved, if you feel inspired.

Reviews:

  • Bow Restraints
  • Jaguar Harness has some great comments from people whose opinions of this harness are different than mine, really useful I think if you’re in the market for a harness.
  • Johnny … mmm, a big cock.