Archive for August, 2008
It took a long (loooong) time, but I finally finished writing an article on Gender 101 for Eden Fantasys.
From the beginning I knew I could do it. I knew I had the information in me. But I had such a hard time organizing it, writing it down, figuring out what to omit and what to include. I got carried away. I went off on tangents that lasted for thousands of words, and were ultimately irrelevant. It took a lot of revision, a lot of thinking, a lot of conversations with all sorts of people – my mom and the Muse and Jesse James and Essin’ Em and my writing group all come to mind – before I figured out how to really refine my focus.
Problem was, I’m not talking about gender roles or heterosexism. I’m talking about variations within the gender galaxy, about the many, many finer points of gender identity and presentation.
The benefit to the huge struggle it took to get through writing this article is that now I have a much better idea about where to start, what to cover, and how to write gender 101, and I hope to do more of that in the future.
This is how it starts:
What the heck is all this gender stuff about?
Men and women, right? Boys and girls, males and females? But is there more to it than that? How does it work? If we talk about gender, are we talking about “The Gays,” like men who are effeminate, women who are masculine?
Why yes, there is that … oh, but there’s so much more. I’m here to give you a brief tutorial on what gender is, and provide an introduction to the studies of gender.
- read it all over at Eden, Gender 101
I’d love your feedback, and if you love the article and think Eden should do more things like this, please do let them know. I may write for them again in the future.
One of the first things I did this month was ask for money. I’ve been realizing more and more how much time I put into this website – it has become my part-time job. Many people have said that it is significant to them, it’s more than just my personal adventures, it’s also a community filled with ideas and concepts about gender, butch/femme dynamics, lesbian sexualities, etc. I wrote a follow up to why I asked for money after I got a little challenged, but ultimately I was incredibly touched and honored at all the donations I received. Thank you.
I also launched some merch! I don’t make much money at all from this, pennies really, but it’s kind of fun.
On with the rest:
- Penny & I kept playing in July, and we had some great times. weekend part one, flogging and weekend part two, dancing were quite notable this month.
- I also wrote on telling a girl what to wear as a kink, particularly the ways that it exaggerates the power and gender dynamic between butchtop/femmebottom play.
- Long piece on intentional vs natural gender, then a follow up on creating conscious gender, which is also long, but worth reading.
- In praise of femmes: fishnets
- On butches: butch style: briefs
- packing cocks 101 was a big review guide I’ve been working on for a while
- Protected post on my issues + her issues, where I discuss a little about my relationship with Penny
- What happened with Penny, where I announced that we’d split up.
- Eye Candy: buxa, work safe, noir, and a bruise & heels, the first femme eye candy. I think we’ll do some more of those in the future.
- Reviews: Bonk by Mary Roach, undercover harness, Lipstick on her Collar edited by Alison Tyler. And a big one: packing cocks 101.
- Prompts: I’ve done a few of these lately, and had a lot of comments, so I’m going to keep that around for a while. if asked of the state of my heart (& my response: I would say) and if I could speak. The comments and responses are really emotional and intense, I feel honored that you all would reveal like you do here in this space, thank you.
Part of the deal of me posting eye candy is that you, as readers and appreciators of the butch/femme dynamic, which I assume you probably are if you are visiting this site, are required to comment about how hot the butch is.
Hey, it’s hard to be objectified as “eye candy.” It’s hard to be judged purely on sexiness and looks and hotness and female masculinity appeal. So we must give these butches lotsa love.
And Dani is particularly hot. See what I’m getting at? There should really be more than two comments on that post.
I’m not usually toppy or controlling about comments, but part of the entire point of posting photos of butches is to celebrate female masculinity, especially in the face of a community that often villifies butches with nothing short of blame for the entire oppression of women, feminists, lesbians, dykes, etc. Cause that’s all our faults, you know. If we were only a little more of a “real woman” (read: conforming to our prescribed societal gender role) we wouldn’t be so oppressed.
So please, spoil the eye candy, will ya?
I’ve been thinking lately about how to do an equivalent of femme eye candy series. It might be called something like “femme not straight,” but I’m not exactly sure how to do that without it becoming “photos of pretty girls” which, though that’s awesome, is I think a cheap blog trick. Any interest or ideas?
Speaking of eye candy, I’ve got some good ones coming up. A filmmaker, and a butch on a motorcycle, great photos both. Keep sending ‘em in, or tag ‘em sugarbutch on flickr.
August’s masthead is up. Late, I know. I’ve got some more elaborate ideas for photos that I really want to feature, which go with particular quotes, so I kept putting off updating the masthead thinking that I’ll actually take those photos, but now it’s been a week and I just dug through some old shots. This one was actually taken while I was in Mexico with Datedyke, and shows off the cufflinks Colleen gave me.
I’ve still go to finish “What happened in July,” too – that’s coming. This weekend, probably.
I was just this morning on my commute into the city thinking about my former relationship, the one I was in when I started Sugarbutch. We were together four years, and over the last two we had sex five times. Seriously, I started counting. And I, well, I have a little bit of a sex drive.
So one of the reasons I started writing erotica was to have a release for all the sexual energy and frustration I was feeling. And to continue my writing practice, in general. Go figure, there’s actually a lot of craft that goes in to writing erotica – character, dialogue, rise & fall of action.
I used to always get stuck at the part where the characters are having sex, going all hot & heavy, and then they’re just about ready to orgasm and have the whole scene end. I’d get so stuck there. Finally, Jesse James and I were talking one day, and she said, “well yeah, of course that’s the hard part, because you never really know how somebody comes until they do it, do ya?”
Reminds me of that scene in Amelie where she thinks “How many couples are having an orgasm right now?” And there’s a great montage of climaxes.
[Can anybody find that clip on Youtube?] Here’s the clip (thanks Sun! I couldn’t access youtube from work). Each one is different.
I’ve been working on finishing this Sugarbutch Star chapbook lately, I’m getting it ready to be handed out at the Femme Conference next weekend, and I’ve also been thinking about how this used to be a major goal of mine – writing smut to get people off. Specifically, to get lesbians off. Even more specifically, to get lesbians to go fuck their girlfriends and to talk to their girlfriends about sex and to get more of what they actually want out of their sex lives. Sometimes I think Lesbian Bed Death perpetuates the prudish idea that women can – or want to – transcend those silly sexual relations and have some sort of deep, meaningful emotional connection, that that’s all that “really” matters.
Well duh, deep connection is important, but sex is important too. I gues that’s one of the differences between male & female sexualities, though, is that for women it does actually seem to be a case of “use it or loose it,” where the more we have sex, the more we want to have sex – as opposed to men, who while many have fluxuations in their sex drive, still tend to have sex drives independently of however much sex they are or aren’t having. I’m sure this isn’t true for all men or all women, but it tends to be true in many cases. (Y’all know of any sources on this? I’ve looked for articles but haven’t located any yet.)
What I’m trying to say is:
1. Still, one of the highest compliments folks can pay me about my smut writing is that they had to go get off after reading it, but also, that it made them want to go play with their partner or girlfriend or random first date or stranger or whomever. I love getting those emails or comments, thank you for that. Let’s make lesbians in future generations ask, “what is this ‘lesbian bed death’? Lesbians didn’t like having sex? They weren’t the most highly sexual creatures on the planet? I don’t get it!”
and 2 … Got ideas for stories you’ve always wanted me to write? The Sugarbutch Star contest is launching again. More details to come.
If I was being really honest with myself, I would _________________.
[ Leave a comment here or put it on your own blog & leave a link. ]
The Femme Conference is next week! August really came on me fast, I can’t believe the summer’s almost over. Wait, let me rephrase – I can’t wait for summer to be over, I can’t stand the heat. I grew up in Alaska, remember? What am I doing in New York City anyway? Oh yeah, the sexy femmes. Alright, I can stand summer a little longer.
Ahem, I digress.
The Femme Conference! Muse & I are heading out to Chicago for the weekend. Here’s what’s up:
- Who’s going? Will you be there?
- I was hoping I might perform some poetry or read some smut somewhere, but I haven’t been able to make that happen. I will, however, have hot-off-the-presses copies of the Sugarbutch Star chapbook from last year’s finalists, and hopefully some Sugarbutch star buttons too.
- I have been thinking about doing some sort of Sugarbutch meet-up – anybody interested in that? Let me know, email me or leave a comment & I’ll get in touch when I have more details, I don’t know when or where it’ll be yet.
- So far, I’ve raised enough money for a plane ticket (hurrah!) and about half of the hotel costs, though just this weekend I realized I haven’t actually bought my ticket to the conference yet. So, if you woke up this morning, pulled on your pants or your flowy summery skirt, stuck your hands in the pockets, and pulled out a couple hundred dollar bills and thought, huh, I wonder where those came from, perhaps you can consider donating a couple bucks to me to send me to the Femme Conference. I’ll be reporting on what I learn, and try my best to bring back some new ideas about this big ol’ gender galaxy we’re trying to make sense of.
I am so very grateful to all of you who have donated already, it’s made a huge difference in my ability to afford this trip. If you’ve got it, and are able to support me, you can make a donation via paypal and keep me and this site alive & thriving.
See you in Chicago?
This Week’s Picks
- Anti-Porn Protest Gets Weird: “People get very excited about their causes and lack the sense to see if the information backs them up. ”
- The Come Shot: “You don’t see their bodies going blotchily red and hear them howling like a banshee.”
- Third Time’s a Charm: “If I lift my kilt on Bourbon Street I’m much more likely to get arrested than if Elizabeth takes off her top.”
- Mr. Sugasm Himself: Sugar Bank
- Editor’s Choice: In My Office
And my personal favorites …
- Perfect vs Good
- Why I hate threesomes
- You Say Po-tay-to, I Say Po-tah-to
- Musings on Masculinity: Gabe
- Prostitution: To Legalize Or Not?
- Study The Master: How to Flirt, The Dean Martin Way
- After tapas
- Contrast (a love song)
- The Tea Party
- Weekend, part two: dancing (that’s me!)
“Dani loves forensics, hip hop and rock, her animals, coffee, fishing, being choked and boobs. She gets called ‘sir’ at the coffeeshop when she holds the door, looks at me, and throws horns.”
Clockwise from top right:
“1. Reading “Butch Is a Noun” and learning that there are others. 2. Butch dyke with a cigar hanging out of her mouth? Yesplz. But it’s more the eyes. 3. Her son’s name on her hand, holding onto the knife, the boxers, the rainbow. The picture took itself. 4. One of my favourite photos of her.”
- photos by Alisha, she who photographs
I just got Vixskins packing cock Goodfella from Eden this week – it is made to pack with, so its very bendable, and it has balls that aren’t flat, but rounded, and made to sit in front of the O-ring on the harness. I guess there was some confusion about how to get the cock into the harness, ’cause Vixen made this video demonstrating.
So far, though, I’m not too impressed. It doesn’t fit in the standard O-ring, so I’ve had to get out a particular harness with a larger ring in it – and y’all already know I’m in search of a good new harness, so it frustrated me.
Also, Goodfella is really small! Look at the video again – her fist is nearly as long as the cock, and her fingers easily wrap around it. So, yeah, maybe it’ll work packing, but the Silky is longer and thicker – though it doesn’t have the balls, and it’s not silicone.
I should have included Goodfella in my packing cocks 101 review, but I didn’t realize it was so possible to pack with it. I don’t think it’s quite as comfortable to wear in the pants as the Silky is, but I’m still testing it out. We’ll see how it goes.