if I was being really honest

August 6, 2008  |  essays

If I was being really honest with myself, I would _________________.


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  1. admit that I'm still really scared. I don't want her to know that but she pays such close attention that I know she sees it.

  2. stop trying to be so stoic and admit to myself that it really does bother me to see hir with her…

  3. …recognize that I'm too much of a snob to keep her in my life. I love the money and success that I've worked so hard for, but we don't speak the same language anymore. As sweet as she is, she can't hider her resentment and I can't tell her about my life.

  4. Leave.

    And see whether or not it really makes a difference if I stay or go.

  5. admit it really was my fault and maybe I could have done something differently.

  6. fuck all my friends.

  7. i say it's ok, take your time, let's be friends, but if i'm honest, i think about the idea of us every day.


  8. take responsibility for my apathy.

  9. have to tell my yoga teacher how much I want to sleep with her.

  10. deal with the guilt and file for divorce.

  11. Quit my job and move to Connecticut. Close enough to NYC and close enough to R to get what I need from both right now.

  12. Keep doing exactly what I’m doing.
    And flirt harder with the girl who let me grope her cock last week.
    And jump the boy in the kilt.
    And set aside three days for quiet retreat and meditation.

  13. Let someone love me.

  14. ..relax and recognise that no matter what I do, no matter how well-behaved and blameless I was and am, it's not fucking coming back. I can't sustain it because it's a two-person deal – a relationship – and I can't provide joy for two. Stop seeing optimism in the insignificant details and start sincerely trying to get over it.

    (Stop calling it optimism.)


    But it hasn't been very long and everything is still so fucking raw.

    In other words; if I was being really honest with myself, I would. But I won't.

  15. move away and stop struggling to hold onto scrumbles

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