I do like that you pointed out that these are loaded words. Two years ago, I would have been confused (although not upset) at being called a "Femme" (for me personally, it is capitalize, as compared to being femme), because I associated Femme with the social construction of feminine (I have a post on this somewhere, when I came out as a Femme). I didn't understand the complexity of gender and orientation identity, and would have been like "what? I rarely wear lipstick and just found out what Coach is – why the hell do you think I'm Femme."

I feel that the words Butch and Femme are similar to other reclaimed words; queer, dyke, fag, etc. Depending on who you are talking to, you'll get very different responses. I post a CL ad on the East Coast saying I'm queer, people are like "yeah, whatever." I post a CL ad in Denver saying I'm queer, and I get messages (true story) that say things like "you're really a homophobic man, aren't you? Don't ever use that term!" and "are you really a lesbian? If so, why call yourself queer?"

We become comfortable with terms we use ourselves, or that people we care about use. Goodness knows I'm fine with the term Genderqueer (mostly because of J), yet 95% of the people I talk to have no clue what it means, even after I attempt to explain it.

So yes, I agree. Butch/Femme/etc are not bad things to be called, but when someone tells your your identity is something other than it is (like when people call me straight or bi, or tell you you're not really butch enough…or when someone is called a Femme when they really aren't), it can be hard to take.

Besides, we know all Femmes are pillow princesses…and who the hell would like to be that ;)?

My point is, I think many people, my femmey self included, that don't like being categorized into one of these two labels, don't like the male female sexist stereotypes that go along with them. I get that these words mean much more than that, but a lot of people in the queer community don't understand that.

As much as we'd like to say there aren't different rules in the queer community for butches and femmes, there are many of the double standards that exist for straight men and women. These can feel very limiting and demeaning.

Overall, I think we should respect how people identify. I love your butch identity. I miss old school butches. But everyone has a right to be offended by what feels uncomfortable for them, even if it's what happens to be precious to you. Those anti-label folks have just as much validity as anyone.

[Of course the anti-label folks have just as much validity as anyone - and of course, it can be offensive when people call me something that is not me, regardless of what that is (butch, femme, not butch, not femme, a jerk, a sexist pig, not a feminist - anything). That should've been my point #1, right out of the gate, and I'm sorry to have skipped it. - ss]

Everything you say is true, but the reverse is true, too, which renders it sort of meaningless. When someone tells you you're not butch, it's about them and their worldview, not you or yours, yet it bothers your (well, I'm guessing it bothers you, based on your first paragraph). Since I'm not butch or femme, isn't it just as fair for me too feel upset and misunderstood when someone mislabels me? I, too, have spent some time flat-out stating my gender identity as neither butch nor femme, and people have ignored me, too. Similarly:

My gender-activisty self gets my boxers in a twist, because being called femme or butch is NOT AN INSULT.

Definitely not, but neither is being called not butch or not femme, right? So why feel upset when someone does that? Because they're wrong, because it's not you — they've misunderstood you, possibly willfully, and that hurts.

I have no doubt there are some folks out their who consider the words insulting (just like some people consider "gay" to be insulting), but for me (and others too, I'd wager), the frustration I feel at getting labeled that way is result of the simple truth that I don't feel butch or femme; I'm not butch or femme. My not-butch, not-femme identity is as emotional and intrinsic as anyone's butch or femme identity is, and I spend a similar amount of time carefully crafting my appearance to reflect that. It feels bad to me when someone calls me butch (or femme, though that very rarely happens) not because I think there's anything wrong with being butch or femme, but because it's not me — I feel like the person saying that doesn't understand me, and like I've failed at gender expression. I'd imagine this is similar to how a butch person would feel if someone told her she were femme, or not butch. It's the same thing.

We severely lack language to describe gender, and since we largely perceive gender to be a spectrum of masculine/feminine, butch/femme, male/female, calling someone femme or butch is simply an adjective – a way to describe which side of the binary gender scale they are perceived to fall on.

Yeah, but it can hurt my feelings when someone's perception of me doesn't match my inner sense of myself, just like it can hurt a butch or femme person, or a trans person.

When someone perceives and labels me as femme or butch, it feels like getting my heart stepped on the same way it does when someone perceives and labels me as straight. That sick, sinking feeling I get when out with a male friend and someone treats us as a couple, or out with my girlfriend and people assume we're just friends — not because there's anything wrong with being straight, but because it's not me.

There are many who for whatever reason think that because my wife is femme then I MUST be butch, because really, what is a femme without one. We've both had some interesting conversations around that school of thought – while I certainly realize that there are similarities between how I present and some butch identities and how we are "seen" by the world, inside I know there is a world of difference.

You do write the best blog.

Thoughtful, clear, and concise. Write a book.

which leads me to my second point – as the title says, if it does piss you off, it's probably a matter of misperception. so, please, tell me. give me the chance to fix it before you get offended. because, while i might incorrectly call you butch, femme, whatever, i won't do it a second time if you say so. also, mind, if i don't know how you identify, i am definitely using those terms as adjectives.

also, sinclair, i love you for saying "gets my boxers in a twist."