But in the end, people's experiences are their own, and they should talk about them on their blogs, that's what they're for.

People can be really narcissistic sometimes. :

If I have ever offended anyone, please forgive me. I'm a newbie, even after seven years.

[No no - no interruption at all, glad you told that story. I think your background of coming from the hard sciences and encountering the pomp of social science lingo is very common, someone else already referred to your comment as having a similar experience. No need to apologize - I'm totally feelin' ya on the frustration, and I think you're handling it beautifully! That shit is hard. - ss]

As for the folks who've been diving headlong into discussions without knowing what's come before, maybe having an FAQ section or a "read this first" post would eliminate some of the miscommunication.

And of course, remember that any schmuck with internet access can fire off an angry or judgmental comment with very little thought. Don't let them get you down, because there are plenty of other folks who really enjoy what you write.

[I'm not really planning on changing things drastically - I think whatever change will happen is probably more about my own emotional space around the content, moreso than the actual content itself. I still want to write on queer/lesbian sex, gender, and relationships, with of course my own personal stories and smut mixed in. I don't plan on a total overhaul in any way, just trying to get to a space where I can better organize my thoughts and make things clearer, more consise.

Thanks for echoing Grace's comments - I know what you mean, and I'm really glad that this is a space where you don't feel like I'm talking to some elite social theorist perspective that excludes anyone who doesn't use all those two-dollar long words. A FAQ is a great idea, and you're totlaly right about the angry/judgemental comments without thought - it bugs me that I let that stuff bug me, even, so that's part of what I'm getting at when I'm saying I'm trying to re-think how I approach the writing here. I need more emotional/psychic walls so the frustrating things don't cut so deeply. Thanks for your note! - ss]

In my community, most people are either way into the butch/femme, or else totally about the andro expression. You have helped me to see how ANY identity can be either limiting or liberating. The expansiveness of an identity has as much to do with the wearer as the label.

I find communicating in this way really difficult and feel that my comments may be misunderstood as more critical or debatey than I mean them when really I'm just trying to process what you're saying. I would like to take you out for a beer the next time that I'm in New York, not to debate, but just to better understand.

[I have really appreciated your comments, actually - you were the one who first said "proselytized" (which I of course had a strong reaction to), but I felt like you were observing what was happening on the site, not so much that you were saying you thought that was what I was doing. And thank you - I agree, ANY identity can be limiting or liberating, I think. I will definitely take you up on that beer, that'd be fun. Let me know when you're in my neck o'the woods. - ss]

Anyway, what I can't stand is the Gender Theory Police (or any sort of postmodern theory police). If one likes studying those disciplines, and it makes him or her happy, by all means keep reading, keep learning. But ever since I was a freshman in college, I've run across quite a few people who take their studies so seriously that anyone who hasn't studied those disciplines is automatically deemed inferior, uneducated and unenlightened, and they treat others with the utmost condescension. It used to get to me, because as a science concentrator and computer geek, I couldn't comprehend a damn thing they were saying. And they would totally lord their knowledge over me in rude and condescending ways. I think they felt they were "challenging" me, but they were so smug that I really found it quite offensive. But I did assume that they were very intelligent… even though, looking back, those were the same people who were weeded out of freshman chem and physics and landed in the humanities – ok ok, that was low. I know. Forgive me. I'm still fuming a little. Allow me just one snarky dig, will ya? :)

Then I went to grad school (not in the sciences), had to basically learn a new kind of language, a new kind of thinking, with new rules. And then I realized that those people who used to lord their postmodern mumbojumbo over people like me weren't smarter than me. They were just taught a certain way to think, speak, and write. If you are not given the tools or taught how to use the tools, you aren't going to do so well, but if you are given the tools and taught to use them, you can hammer away.

So, to make a long story short, now I really have no patience for such pomposity and condescension, and that is why I snapped back on my blog.

What does that have to do with your blog, you wonder? Because this is a place where people like me can learn about these disciplines in a safe and positive environment. I've only taken a very miniscule amount of queer/gender theory, just enough to say the right things to get by (a quick survey before we got into how the law handles gender and sexual orientation), which was so little that it doesn't even count in my opinion. Of course, I'll admit, I'm skeptical sometimes, and I am pretty set in my ways and my worldview, but when I read your blog entries, I don't feel that I need to keep my guard up, if that makes any sense.

Basically, usually when I wade into a space replete with queer theory/gender theory/other postmodern theory, I usually feel that I am in hostile territory. I don't feel like that here.

[Oh yes, I'm familiar with those holier-than-thou theorists too - I also felt as thought I was deliberately made to feel stupid around them, and I absolutely do not want to be that kind of theorist. And thank you - I'm glad this place does not feel like hostile territory. I am just as interested in everyday-average-jane opinions than in those folks who have been studying gender & theory for many years. Both - all - experiences are valid in their own ways. And a big piece of what I'm trying to do with base-level activism here is simply to bring these gender dynamics to everyone's attention so we play them out consciously, intentionally, in celebratory ways rather than ways that are restrictive and damaging. I appreciate that gracethespot has some good discussions going - good luck with those occasional snarky digs - I definitely do it too sometimes :) - ss]

and, i hope you figure out your way forward soon. i'm really curious to see what comes next. in general because i always like your writing, but in specific i'm excited to see what happens when you delve deeper; what is it that comes after "gender 101"?

thanks for what you do, f'real =)

[Aw thank you - I so appreciate your contribution to these conversations, I learn a lot from you & your stories. I'm not sure what comes after Gender 101 - Gender 102, I guess! But meanwhile, I think one of my ways forward is actually by going back to the Gender 101 topics and refining them, articulating them, really building a strong base that I can refer to when questions and conflicts like these come up. We'll see though - not sure exactly how that looks yet. - ss]

I love your blog and hope that you won't let the "what about me"-ers keep you down.

XXX,

AT

[Good point. It's not just gender, it's anything. Blogging is a challenging medium that way ... so visible, so open to any random person who can hide behind a computer screen and say what they "really" think. And of course, I know I'm not the only misunderstood writer or gender-forward activist out there. I guess this hiatus has been necessary to figure out how to go forward with occasional (deep-cutting) opposition. It's certainly a challenge at times. But I definitely won't stop writing alltogether, just still figuring out a useful way to go forward. - ss]