I got cocky last week. I suppose getting laid does that to me, particularly when it was a girl whom I’d kind of written off as unobtainable.No, seriously. After we met at a party, she emailed me, but I thought it was more of a networking thing than an actual I’m-interested-in-you thing. She’s kind of fancy, very much femme, outgoing and polished, and I feel like I did that thing where she was winking at me from across the room and I’m looking around to see who she’s looking at, but there’s nobody next to me, so I point to myself and mouth, “me?”

And this is not really to say that I think she’s better than me, or that I have no self esteem. It’s just that I’m still not so used to getting attention from high femmes. Even though I’ve been buffing up my gender to this high-gloss butch polish, it’s still somewhat new - and I’m not used to being single, either.

I’m just not used to being a visible subject of desire for this type of girl.

And honestly, this is part of the reason I developed a butch identity to begin with. I looked at the fancy, high femmes in my community and after I was busy tripping over my tongue, I said to myself, okay, how do I get with a girl like that? and I began studying who it was that they partner with, and attempted to become that.

That is not the only reason, of course. Other reasons include: because it just feels good, because I feel the most comfortable and sexy this way, because butch style looks good on my body. But I think one of the bottom lines about gender for me is that it’s a form of phsycial communication, which means it’s a tool for sexual attraction.

Point being, I suppose, that I realized I need a bit of a reset button for my self-image. I actually can get girls like her at this point in my life. And lord, I want to.

So. We have a date tomorrow, in the seven o’clock hour, at a dark and comfortable bar with good drinks and couches perfect for making out (props to C for the recommendation). So, I suppose I’m considering it a make-out date, a foreplay date, and hoping that if all goes well we will be having a follow-up evening date this weekend.

I don’t want to say “I like this girl” yet, although that’s kind of true. I think she’s dynamic and interesting, and hella sexy. At the same time, though, I am definitely not invested in anything with her, and I can feel how walled off, how one-foot-out-the-door I already feel about any sort of relationship that has any sort of … needs. When the femme top and I hooked up it was definitely with the understanding that this was a temporary, short-term sex thing - she was moving away, back across the country, so it couldn’t quite be anything else.

And I have no idea where this (new) girl is at - looking for The Love Of Her Life? Or just playing around? Obviously, I don’t know her very well yet.

We’ll see how this progresses. In the meantime, I’m excited to have a fun, flirty night with a sexy girl.